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"If you don't have an abortion then I'll do it for you myself"

(84 Posts)
Kyrptonite Mon 28-Jan-13 13:34:57

This is what "D"P said to me yesterday. I'm 7 weeks pregnant, it would be my third and his fourth. I knew he wasn't happy about it all but this has properly shocked me. I told him to leave, he said try and make him.
I agreed to do it. I don't want to do it, I really don't. I let him bully me into one last year and we had been using condoms. This feels like it should be happening (as wanky as that sounds).

What the fuck do i do? People at work know about the baby, MIL is my manager so she knows but DP doesn't know that anyone else knows (I needed to say it out loud to people so that it sunk in). My head is a fucking mess.

I know he's angry. He probably has a right to be as him bullying me into an abortion is probably no worse than me forcing a child he doesn't want upon him. There is no compromise here is there?

I'm rambling. I needed to get it all out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 28-Jan-13 13:37:29

I don't care how angry the man is, he has no right to say that. Abuse is in no way comparable to an accidental pregnancy. I'm so sorry he bullied you into an abortion previously as well. I'm quite shocked.

DontmindifIdo Mon 28-Jan-13 13:39:06

He's made a threat to harm you - call the police, tell them what's happened. Do you own or are your renting? Can you get out to your family? I'd tell MIL that you've had to leave because he's threatened to beat you up to make you miscarry because you dont' want an abortion. See if she wants to defend that.

Also call Woman's aid.

If he's prepared to threaten you with violence to get his own way, he doesn't love or care about you. This relationship is over regardless of if you keep or don't this baby.

AlistairSim Mon 28-Jan-13 13:39:14

No, there's no compromise.

He sounds dreadful and abusive.

OneMoreGo Mon 28-Jan-13 13:40:16

Of course he doesn't have a right to bully you! Good God, woman. He sounds totally abusive. he has made veiled threats of violence against you and refused to leave when asked... what more evidence do you need?

Whose name is the house in? If it's in yours, just call the police and have him removed. he sounds AWFUL. sad Tell your GP or anyone what he has said. Don't suffer in silence and definitely don't think he has he right to be have like this to you. Have you phoned WomansAid?

stinkyfluffycat Mon 28-Jan-13 13:40:22

You poor thing - my immediate reaction is to tell you to leave him, that's a really horrible thing to say. If he doesn't want another child then there isn't really any kind of compromise but there is now way he should be threatening to 'give you an abortion', that's unbelievably vile.
Someone else will be along with actual help soon, just didn't want to leave you unanswered. Don't rush into an abortion if you don't want one.

Kyrptonite Mon 28-Jan-13 13:43:42

I told MIL what he said. She was shocked. We rent from his friend but tenancy is in my name.

badgersma Mon 28-Jan-13 13:46:01

I wish I could say I am shocked, but sadly I'm not. Has he been abusive before? Are you renting/mortgaged? Do you have a good relationship with your MIL?

noddyholder Mon 28-Jan-13 13:47:09

Please leave this person. Life is too short to even waste on demanding therapy etc with someone like this angry

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 28-Jan-13 13:47:24

He is abusive.

No there is no compromise on pregnancy. And I should thing there is no going back to any semblance of a normal relationship once he has said what he just did. You telling him to leave immediately after he did was the right response - well done. His response of "try and make me" shows you that he is completely unrepentant and entitled. Such men do not change, and you deserve better.

Please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 for advice and a listening ear.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, by the way.

CremeEggThief Mon 28-Jan-13 13:47:38

You must realise there's no future together? No relationship can recover from what he said. I am so sorry this has happened to you, but you need to end things now.

imtheonlyone Mon 28-Jan-13 13:49:02

That's Is really shocking. There's a difference between not being happy about it all and saying he will do it for you!! You poor thing! Please look after yourself. If tenancy in your name then he has to leave. If that's what you want! But please be careful, look after yourself and do not be bullied into anything you don't want to do! Good luck take care x

Kyrptonite Mon 28-Jan-13 13:50:09

He's never physically hurt me. He can be emotionally abusive at times. Before him I was with someone who was physically and sexually abusive so I was just grateful in an odd sort of way that however much he shouted or what he said he has never hit me.

NeverQuiteSure Mon 28-Jan-13 13:50:55

What a horrible thing to say. Is he always like this? What is he like when he doesn't get his own way?

Doesn't sound like a very nice (or safe) person to be around.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 13:51:30

You need to leave him. Can you see that?

NeverQuiteSure Mon 28-Jan-13 13:51:38


He sounds like an arse. I hope you get the support you need to get rid of him.

DontmindifIdo Mon 28-Jan-13 13:53:31

It's often the case in my experience, that woman go from one terrible relationship to another that's still very bad, but slightly better. Just because he hasn't hit you doesn't make this a good relationship.

Call the police, they will help you remove him, particularly if the tenancy is in your name. If you don't feel ready to do that, call woman's aid and see what they say. Would your MIL take him in? It might make it easier for you if there's somewhere for him to go.

WhatALark Mon 28-Jan-13 13:53:36

him bullying me into an abortion is probably no worse than me forcing a child he doesn't want upon him

This is not true. The two aren't comparable.

You are accidentally pregnant. You BOTH played a role in this. You are not 'forcing' anything on him.

It's your body, your choice.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with the posters above: he's vile and abusive, and potentially dangerous to be around. You need help and protection. sad for you and very, very angry at him and his attitudes.

stinkyfluffycat Mon 28-Jan-13 13:54:44

He has just threatened to hit you though, maybe he will carry out the threat, maybe not, either way it's revolting to threaten both you and your unborn baby. If the flat is in your name surely you can get him removed? Call Women's Aid or the police and see what they say.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 13:56:30

Call the police and get him removed from your house. Do not let him back in, ever.

Absolutely fucking awful man. If you stay with him, you are an absolute fool.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 28-Jan-13 13:56:38

Oh dear. Your self-esteem must be on the bones of its arse if you're grateful he doesn't hit you. confused A partner should not hit you or behave in this apalling way either. Please get help to get him out of your life. Then please get help in the form of counselling so that you get some guidance in how decent men are supposed to behave.

ReallyTired Mon 28-Jan-13 13:56:52

"I know he's angry. He probably has a right to be as him bullying me into an abortion is probably no worse than me forcing a child he doesn't want upon him. There is no compromise here is there?"

It is your body and your baby. He has no right to bully you into an abortion with threats of violence.

Please leave him and get professional support. I feel you need help to stop you getting in relationships with such awful men. There are loving men who are not physically, emotionally or sexually abusive.

Trills Mon 28-Jan-13 13:57:32

What do you do? The same thing you should do to anyone who threatens you with violence. You tell him to leave. If he won't, you call the police and say that he threatened you and you are scared and ask them to make him leave.

Before him I was with someone who was physically and sexually abusive so I was just grateful in an odd sort of way that however much he shouted or what he said he has never hit me.

It sounds as if you need Reality's pep talk:

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won’t, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If your partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can’t change an abusive man by being ‘better’ or sticking by him where others haven’t, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people’s partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don’t have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them around, but then people don’t tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should ‘stay together for the children’, or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you’ve escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn’t mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn’t mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren’t. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it’s because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don’t treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn’t matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you, those apologies are worthless.

Don’t be fooled into thinking the abuse isn’t ‘bad enough to leave’. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won’t kill himself if you leave him, he won’t take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

delilahlilah Mon 28-Jan-13 14:04:56

He has threatened to assault you. Report his threat to the police, they can remove him from the house as he poses a risk to you. Please, please don't stay with him. That he can think / say womething like that tells you all you need to know. I think, when you have experienced DV it leaves you more open to EA, because you think it's better than DV - I also think some men 'target' women who have experienced DV as they think they can control them. This happened to my friend, and he told her she'd never be able to tell anyone as they would know it was all her fault - why would she be a victim twice etc. He made her feel that she would be hated / laughed at etc etc in order to control her.
You can make him leave, and you can be happier without him. It's good that you are telling people and not hiding it, but please don't give him the chance to harm you or your baby.

MariusEarlobe Mon 28-Jan-13 14:09:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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