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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

would a straight man ever say he is bisexual?

61 replies

tuffinmop · 27/01/2013 22:08

My DH has had a big issue with online sex (online woman, chat rooms, camming, porn etc) He has been into counselling and I am now embarking on it myself.
We are still together for now. We may be able to rebuild trust, as yet I don't know. One thing that keeps coming back into my mind is when I found his account left open at cam4 (live porn).
It looks a bit like facebook, you have a profile and "friends" his profile said bisexual and about half of his friends were gay men. I obviously said you must be bisexual then??? He says no, he put that on his profile so he could watch more couples as its more acceptable.
so would a straight man say he was bi? or am I right to be suspicious?

OP posts:

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belagh · 27/01/2013 22:21

I would say that a straight man wouldn't describe himself as bisexual.
I would also be very suspicious. Sorry I can't disagree with you

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 27/01/2013 22:23

No, you're right to be suspicious.

I had an ex like this, his main problem was that stupid Adult Friend Finder site, he kissed my ex bf at one point while we were together and then I found him and another guy kissing and feeling each other up at a nightclub...

I also wouldn't believe it was only sites, I got told it was and it turned out he had cheated on me umpteen times.

AKissIsNotAContract · 27/01/2013 22:29

The only reason to say you are bi on those sites is so you can watch men wanking/fucking each other.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2013 08:50

Aren't you more worried that he spends his leisure time watching live porn than how he defines his sexuality?

tuffinmop · 28/01/2013 12:39

Yes Cogito I am worried in general about the whole thing
The sexuality thing worries me as I still don't feel I am being told the truth. I would accept his sexuality and am not homophobic in the slightest, but I do not want to be lied to anymore. So the question is, in my op, would a straight man describe himself as bi? If (as I suspect) they would not, then my marriage is on a fast track to finishing. I feel this is why he denies and says its just something you do to watch more stuff. He loves his kids and wants us to stay as a unit, but I feel it will be at my expense...

By the way he says he as stopped and has had 7 months of counselling and says he is very very sorry. I just want to be sure my instinct is on the button and I am not leaping to conclusions. Ending a marriage with 3 small children in tow is not something to be done lightly.
Thanks for your opinions x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2013 12:44

You realise he's a liar either way? He's either lying about his sexuality in order to access particular types of porn... or he's lying to you about his sexuality. He's a man for whom lying is a matter of whatever is most convenient & the truth is just something other people do.

Mumofjz · 28/01/2013 12:47

how have things been in the last 7 months of counselling? How has your relationship been? I'm taking it that it's not been too great, hence this post!

AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 12:47

He loves his kids and wants us to stay as a unit, but I feel it will be at my expense...

Yup, that's about it, really.

tuffinmop · 28/01/2013 12:48

but he just keeps denying it. How can I end a marriage on something I saw for a moment and have no proof of? If he is bi, I feel he is being so unfair to me, marrying me and using me as a shield of respectability. Oh its all just so utterly crap. I don't think i'm ever going to be happy with him.
Time to make some plans

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 12:50

It's ok to decide you cannot forgive him for this. You tried, and his lies have made your respect for him disappear

There is only one person to blame for that...him

OneMoreChap · 28/01/2013 12:52

Hmm. Reading the Grauniad occasionally, I've learnt that men can be called gay, bisexual or MSM (men who have sex with men).

Apparently, if you're the active participant you can kid yourself you're straight...
[As far as it goes, ISTR that one reason why some men apparently like lesbian porn is that there are no willies to distract you/compare yourself with]

His story sounds a tad unlikely.

While I prefer my erotica written, I'm sure he may want to look at couples. Can I gently enquire why anyone would need to be a member of a site to find pornography? Surely it's avoiding it that's harder?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2013 12:52

You don't end a marriage for something you saw for a moment. You judge the relationship on the things you know for sure.... how you feel about him, whether you can trust him, his attitude, the history between you. Sometimes it helps to think back further. Were there any 'odd' incidents in the past that were explained away? Any time you were suspicious but gave him the benefit of the doubt?

Mumofjz · 28/01/2013 12:54

How would you feel if he was bi, would it make a difference? The thing is, he's made the commitment to YOU therefore (under marriage) bi or not he wouldn't be conducting an extra marital affair - regardless of sexual orientation.

Has the counselling helped any?

AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 12:56

I think the membership aspect is so he can swap footage of himself, contact others for realtime camming and possibly real life meetings. He is lying about how far he explored those opportunities. The WWW is full of free porn of all descriptions and all tastes.

PureQuintessence · 28/01/2013 12:57

You are not ending your marriage based om something you saw for a moment, but because of who he is and ^what he has been doing behind your back" (goodness knows with whom and how many). Have you been to the GU clinic for tests?

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 28/01/2013 12:58

You would be ending the marriage because he is a liar and addicted to porn, not because he is bi. I'm bi but I manage to refrain from watching other people shagging and wanking off around the clock.

tuffinmop · 28/01/2013 13:10

onemorechap yes he says its to watch couples. af got it right, its a site where you have a profile and you can watch live action, like an online orgy! He has erectile dysfunction and yes cogito Ihave been remembering the early days and feel:
a) he has never been really happy.
b) he has avoided sex with me for various reasons (too tired/ too stressed/ can't have any viagra it makes his blood pressure too high and gives him a headache)
mumofjz The counselling has helped him stop watching porn and has helped with his self esteem surrounding his ED. We are due to go couples counselling when I feel I have had enough time with the counsellor.

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 28/01/2013 13:12

Could he actually be gay rather than BI?

tuffinmop · 28/01/2013 13:14

pureQ That had crossed my mind too. But he eyes up women, he talks about liking jessica ennis and scarlet Johansen, could he really be gay??? When I have brought it up he says "if I were gay I would just tell you, i'm not that repressed..."

OP posts:

Mumofjz · 28/01/2013 13:18

I really feel for you. It's devastating to want something and get something else.

Stick with your counselling, either way i think it will make what ever your final decisions are sit easier with you.

Personally think he probably did put Bi just so he could see more, but only he would truly know. Probably all aspects of sexual activity (whether man on man/woman and vice versa) is a turn on for him.

As others have said, i think it's more to do with the deceit and lies and trust.

Take you time, no need to rush, just do what is right for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2013 13:18

In my relatively dull life so far I've known no less than three gay men who were married with children and only came out later on. Two of them were as a camp as a row of tents and only their DWs seemed surprised at the news... . The other one wasn't exactly 'butch' but he was a regular bloke, as appreciative of women as the next man.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 13:19

How would his friends/family react if he was gay ?

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AnyFucker · 28/01/2013 13:19

I mean, came out as gay

PureQuintessence · 28/01/2013 13:22

Many gay men love looking at women. Find them beautiful and attractive. Will even try to sleep with them, with more or less success....

I once had a "boyfriend" who used me to try work out if he was in fact bi rather than gay. It only lasted a couple of months, he did not marry me! And yes, he was most definitely gay, but trying hard not to be.

Mumofjz · 28/01/2013 13:26

Has he always had a problem with ED or is that something that is relativley new?

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