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would a straight man ever say he is bisexual?

(62 Posts)
tuffinmop Sun 27-Jan-13 22:08:15

My DH has had a big issue with online sex (online woman, chat rooms, camming, porn etc) He has been into counselling and I am now embarking on it myself.
We are still together for now. We may be able to rebuild trust, as yet I don't know. One thing that keeps coming back into my mind is when I found his account left open at cam4 (live porn).
It looks a bit like facebook, you have a profile and "friends" his profile said bisexual and about half of his friends were gay men. I obviously said you must be bisexual then??? He says no, he put that on his profile so he could watch more couples as its more acceptable.
so would a straight man say he was bi? or am I right to be suspicious?

Mumofjz Mon 28-Jan-13 13:26:07

Has he always had a problem with ED or is that something that is relativley new?

tuffinmop Mon 28-Jan-13 13:28:37

af I think they would have got their heads round it if he had never married but they would be devastated now he is married. They are such a lovely couple, very traditional, his dad is a complete gentleman. I have given up asking DH to fix things around the house I just ask his dad. That and learning to fix stuff myself smile
TBH I would be quite relieved if he was gay. It would explain everything and mean that he was a misguided idiot rather than some online perv with no integrity.

tuffinmop Mon 28-Jan-13 13:31:08

mumofjz He has always had ED, he can't seem to come inside (sorry TMI) and looses it as soon as it goes anywhere near my fanjo. Not that he has been anywhere near me for a very long time...

PureQuintessence Mon 28-Jan-13 13:36:00

Sounds like a gay man trying to be straight....

PureQuintessence Mon 28-Jan-13 13:37:12

Honestly, had I not been told my ex bf was gay, I would have thought he had ED or was really very repulsed.

hopingtobewrong Mon 28-Jan-13 13:38:50

Just wanted to say I sometimes wonder if my dh is gay. I know what you mean about relief if he did come out.
Rebuilding trust is going to be tricky when you have doubts about his sexuality. How is your h's attitude to homosexuality in general?

tuffinmop Mon 28-Jan-13 13:47:13

his attitude to homosexuality is pretty non descript except he does have a loathing for drama queens (men or women & probably camp men now that I think about it) and people who draw attention to themselves. hoping what makes you think your dh is gay? Have you ever called him on it?

DuchessFanny Mon 28-Jan-13 13:53:18

If you don't mind me asking how did you manage to conceive ? and i'm with pure i think he is very likely possibly gay trying to be straight.

Mumofjz Mon 28-Jan-13 13:57:03

i would say that all these issues on there own wouldn't amount to much but put them all together....i don't know.

The two main things i could brush away would be the "not being able to come inside" - i had a EXP of over 10yrs who found this really difficult but it was a "friction thing" and had no other trouble (ED) and the bi thing... i like watching porn with DH but when buying, if i wanted to watch girl/girl and had to say i was bi, i would, even though i'm not! (if that makes sense?)

I do believe there are other issues here but what they are, i don't know sad

tuffinmop Mon 28-Jan-13 13:58:46

duchess we conceived with a cup and a syringe blush except my youngest which was a complete fluke as he ahem finished in situ. She was a bloody miracle, but I wouldn't be without her now.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 14:00:31

What a miserable and grim way to live.

For both of you.

I would be setting him free to find himself with the "help" of sleazy sex sites.

And making my own life without this inadequate man in it.

PureQuintessence Mon 28-Jan-13 14:13:14

I agree with AnyFucker.

You are not doing anybody a favour by continuing this marriage. Set him free. Let him find himself.

I am sure you can manage a civil arrangement in terms of contact with the kids, but why press a square peg into a round whole?

So far the poor bloke has been going to councelling to address his porn habit, where really, I am sure his porn habit would disappear the moment he was free to actually have the sex he is looking at.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 14:19:08

erk, I wasn't being quite so charitable as that PQ smile

I would be more along the lines of getting the sleazy fuck away from me. But I guess the outcome would be the same. He gets what clearly this poor OP cannot give him (through no fault of her own) and she finds someone that appreciates her sexually and emotionally. This fuckwit does neither.

DuchessFanny Mon 28-Jan-13 14:19:35

I see ... well at least you have got something AMAZING out of this union, your wonderful kids !

I agree it may be easier and kinder all round to end it and find happiness of your own, you've really been through it and you deserve to live a life being loved ( in every way !) and he will be a happier man, EXH and father if he can live the way he wants to iyswim ?

good luck x

hopingtobewrong Mon 28-Jan-13 14:22:16

It's hard to explain exactly what makes me wonder, lots of small things really, behaviour around men, something lacking between us. He also prefers to come outside of me, but is turned on by me. Where we live and were brought up, absolutely no-one comes out. The only openly gay people here have moved into the area from elsewhere.

His family are quite homophobic and dh is a very proud man, so I can see how if he was gay or bi it would be so difficult for him to say. I have asked him outright (in a kind way) and he blushed and said not to be silly. I've only seen him blush a few times, all when he has been caught out. But he may have been humiliated that I had to ask.

PureQuintessence Mon 28-Jan-13 14:22:42

grin I know AF. I was just for a moment thinking about a lifetime of sexual un-fulfillment (for both) and tried to imagine my self as a sleexeball looking for live sex online and I just well, failed. confused

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 14:27:35


tuffinmop Mon 28-Jan-13 15:52:46

Thanks all for your input, its hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes and ending a marriage is such a long and hard decision, I have to be sure. I have been thinking about how ending it would be for real and am getting closer all the time. The counselling will help too im sure. My counsellor said that to delay is a legitimate coping strategy and to be ready (as you can) for a huge life change is better than being completely unprepared, especially when children are involved.
hoping How do you feel about your suspicions? I am finding it very hard and have ceased all sexual contact partly because of it.

BertieBotts Mon 28-Jan-13 15:59:59


BertieBotts Mon 28-Jan-13 16:03:32

Argh, sorry. Left page open and my (non-reading!) four year old got on.

hopingtobewrong Mon 28-Jan-13 19:41:12

I think bertie botts' son just summed up how I feel about it. Total madness. But I have no evidence, just my feelings to go on. I think your situation gives you something to start a conversation with... but if he just lies then where do you go from there? There was a program on tv a couple of weeks ago about a rugby player, married with kids, who came out. Not sure of his name, but he had an interesting story.

PaulInHolland Tue 29-Jan-13 05:50:01

With what you say about the rather anti-gay area you come from, it would not surprise me if he is gay/Bi but just not able to come-out to himself, let alone anyone else such as you. Are his parents/family quite homophobic as well?

An important question is if he suffers ED with everyone (men and women) or just women - this would be a big pointer as to he was gay or not.

And he may be looking at porn of couples, but again that could be a cover and when he looks at that he may be concentrating only on the men and not on the women. But by looking at porn of couples he could be lying to himself that he is not gay/bi.

There are plenty of Bi people in this world-but it is also something gay men call themselves who cannot fully come out of the closet.

Could he possibly be having sex with men or couples? It is much easier for men to hook-up for sex with other men via the Internet than for a man and a woman. Has he been working late quite ofter or have had other opportunities to have sex with men? I would certainly get your sexual health checked out ASAP.

Even if he is not gay, then he needs to take responsibility for pleasing you sexually. If the viagra gives his headaches, then he needs to go back to the doctor to find a solution that does not give him a headache.

Good luck

mathanxiety Tue 29-Jan-13 06:28:18

I ended a marriage that was never great with 5 children in tow just because I was sick and tired of knowing that I would never get an honest answer. ExH was also on Adultfriend finder and a few other even less coyly named sites, and some out and out gay sites. He never admitted the gay sites to me and it was only after I found the gay stuff that it hit me that he could have chosen any number of options wrt identity on the other sites he was on, and could have looked at men no matter what he presented himself as.

The sexuality thing worries me as I still don't feel I am being told the truth. I would accept his sexuality and am not homophobic in the slightest, but I do not want to be lied to anymore
It's the integrity thing that worries you, not the gay thing or the bi thing. Trust is the foundation of a relationship imo. Without it you will never know peace. If he can't or won't earn your trust back then you are just walking around with a Kick Me sign on your back. It will eat you alive.

I was never sure but for me living with a question like that hanging over me was no way to conduct a relationship. The uncertainty and the lack of integrity on the part of exH was sufficient.

tuffinmop Tue 29-Jan-13 13:17:29

And how did it work out maths may I ask? Are you and your dc settled and happy? Do you have any regrets? Is it a continous struggle or do you cope? Are you able to have a good relationship with him as a co-parent? How old were your dc when you split?
Thanks for all the advice x x x

belagh Tue 29-Jan-13 16:53:14

There is a group for ladies in your position
My h and I are still together (somehow) I hear all sorts of cr@p come out of him trying to justify himself. I know he has had sex with men, but he doesn't fancy men blaa blaa blaa all he wants is me blaa blaa why did he do it... Because he could blaa blaa borrrrrrring

Take as much time as you like, I'm not ready but I will be soon

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