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Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Sun 27-Jan-13 20:40:58

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

MatchsticksForMyEyes Thu 14-Feb-13 22:37:46

For my mental health and that of the dc, I had to get out. But if you have the house divided it maybe would work? Who says you'd lose the house if you leave now?

BreatheandFlyAway Thu 14-Feb-13 22:39:06

Yeah, Fi, they can't handle the thought that someone who knows them inside out has found them wanting and is so disgusted they want to leave! So they've got to paint us as loons or gargoyles just to protect their tiny egos!

BreatheandFlyAway Thu 14-Feb-13 22:42:01

I think the main advantage to me in leaving is that he is at arm's length then and all requests, demands can be handled through lawyer instead of immense pressure being placed on me in house. My sol advised me to stay if I can but if I have to leave, to log it as being forced out by unreasonable behaviour. So my planned trip to dm's next week will be his little testing ground.

TisILeclerc Thu 14-Feb-13 23:05:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyFi Thu 14-Feb-13 23:05:18

ha ha Fly ding dong! grin good good to sol record.... you bright lady, one step ahead! Can you get occupation order? or will this interfere adversely with divorce progress? You had non-mol order didn't you (Ihope I remember that right!) when you turned up at court with hastily scribbled paper? at what emotional cost 'sitting it out'

I wouldn't be able to find 'better than him'!!!! if so, will kill myself now!

FairyFi Thu 14-Feb-13 23:08:27

long day, eyes closing. oooo, hoping you safe Maggie love. xxx

TisILeclerc Thu 14-Feb-13 23:26:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

betterthanever Thu 14-Feb-13 23:26:25

I was going to say something like that Fairy I don't really know much about occupational order but I am sure your sol can help - she sounds good! better than mine sad
Fairy thanks 9so much) for that, I will ring them tomorrow, I can't bare this fear I will let my DS down if I can't control it -- without it I have so many structured, research and law based things I can say, I freeze with it x

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Thu 14-Feb-13 23:32:30

ponygirl what will happen tomorrow? Honestly I plan on telling him that I am not willing for him to come home yet. I cannot even think clearly at the moment with the onslaught of messages. I need time to collect my thoughts and feel like myself again. I will go from there, I guess.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Thu 14-Feb-13 23:33:18

And will be checking in the morning again for news of Maggie. Hope she is safe.

minkembra Fri 15-Feb-13 00:04:55

Hope you r ok Maggie.

fly can see why people are advising you to stick it out - it is not four to go through all that and potentially walk away with less than you are entitled to but at the same time very difficult process to go through if he can 'get to you'.

Not possible to get him out?

It would be galling to walk away but then again it would be freedom and really the final poke in the eye if his aim is to control you.

On lighter note- got break up haircut today....and by none other than Britneys tour hair dresser. coincidence after earlier references to Britneys shaved head. think he did her hair in the phase that did not involve a bic though. ( and he was dam fit and a bit lovely wink grin)

minkembra Fri 15-Feb-13 00:06:32

Ps am hoping reason fir no news from Maggie is that she is on the move! <Fingers crossed>

MaggieOnTheSofa Fri 15-Feb-13 00:51:15

Hi all, just checking in, am still at home but safe. FW gone awol as usual so a relief as he is mellow after drinking. He popped home about 11pm to "check I was ok" umm ok. First time for everything. Probably checking if I was still here. Then he buggered off out again, god knows where or what time he will roll in. Just glad he is out of my way tbh. He is away next week and following week for a few days at a time, hoping my mum will come to help with kids so I can get sorted and get closer to leaving day. Praying somewhere to rent comes up for us too, just know if I went to mums or a refuge I would end up coming back to him. I am so bloody weak. Love to you all and thank you so much for being my lifeline x

minkembra Fri 15-Feb-13 01:43:41

Maggie good tks see you smile

Some hand holding needed here if anyone has a free hand for recent escapee in difficult situation . i don't know enough about ins and outs of WA etc.[[]]

FairyFi Fri 15-Feb-13 08:29:16

oh yay maggie good to see checking in and all safe. Yep he's rumbled, or thinks he's onto you. Still not more important than his drinking tho hmm that rings bells with me!

The better the prep hun, the greater chance you'll never go back and thats what we pray for. How wonderful, will you have a week of sleeping in bed then? Don't knock yourself sweetie, he does a bloody good job of that; it takes a lot of strength to get through what you are doing staying safe. You know your job best. You're always heading in the right direction. ((big hugs)). xxx

FairyFi Fri 15-Feb-13 08:46:31

you have enough pressure, sorry if I might have added to that by urging you to go before you might be ready Maggie like you say, you could see yourself going back if you don't do it the way you need to. You are the master at managing this, and you do also know if the time came you would just up and run if needed. Its your worries that matter here. ((big hugs)). So hope are feeling somewhat better now. xxx

TisILeclerc Fri 15-Feb-13 09:39:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMorton Fri 15-Feb-13 09:58:51

DH was really nice last night, he held on to me and kissed my hair in bed when I woke with stomach cramps, it was so nice.
Now I just have to remember that he is stopping me seeing my two best friends tomorrow. It's so hard.

Maggie relieved to hear you're ok but still worried about you.

Leclerc How did that go down with DD?

FairyFi Fri 15-Feb-13 10:00:34

oh leclerc shivers, those boundaries, following own feelings and wishes, yy will do to mine too (who also couldn't face school this morning; being last day an all suggested the same, but gone in anyway as doesn't like to miss - had years of v poor attendence due to illness). yay to getting all that time away together with your extended family, go have a ball together (without FW this tiime!!!).

TisILeclerc Fri 15-Feb-13 10:04:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyFi Fri 15-Feb-13 13:29:18

yes, I thought so too this morning, as was teary, and thought its time for a break. They're all [school kids] tired at this end of term, but they're not all dealing with this. Pease please don't feel guilty, you did what you know in your gut (urgh, or heart, whichever you prefer) felt right, and its far better you listen to that, than that twuntish FW voice in your head! Its just like a hangover isn't it! just to remind us, but stand tall you're doing good. Sure you wouldn't just let them 'wag', just like I wouldn't.

Its means she'll get a head start on the holiday by having a nice long weekend at the beginning smile and get far more benefit from it as a result, a longer rest.

TieredConfusedMummy Fri 15-Feb-13 14:32:41

Hi all,

today is stifling with H off work. I went out to uni and was done nice and early, well I usually can't wait to get home and have some me time while he is out. Today though I felt so down driving home, I was nearly crying at one point. I was sitting through a lecture to do with mental growth and becoming the best version of you, and how there are always obstacles, and I just sat there thinking that I have to fight to try and better myself and that being with H hinders that. When driving home part of me just wanted to drive and drive and just not go back home sad

EternalRose Fri 15-Feb-13 15:02:18

I think I belong here, today is really not a good day. Have posted the thread 'My valentine's day kick in the teeth' in the main forums if anyone is interested. I am such a failure.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Feb-13 15:10:11

Welcome, rose and please know you aren't a failure.

A quick search failed to find your post, where exactly did you post?

EternalRose Fri 15-Feb-13 15:16:26

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