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I find my DH so rude, I just don't see how I am going to be able to live with this for the rest of our lives

(76 Posts)
timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 20:40:56

Maybe this sounds like a small thing but I just find my DH so rude at times, and it is impossible to ever get him to see or apologise when he's been rude as he just dismisses me with a 'whatever' or accuses me of the same behaviour when I haven't done anything remotely similar.

We have issues with our 4 year old and rude behaviour from her atm, yet DH doesn't seem to see that he models behaviour to her and that if he is rude to us she will pick up on it and see it as normal.

For example, after lunch today our 4 yr old asked if she could help tidy up and he told her to "get out of it" and "jog on". When I tried to point out to him that perhaps she's rude because he speaks to her in that way he did his usual passive-aggressive door-slamming "whatever" refusing to discuss it even when I try to discuss it with him rationally.

Our two year old now walks around saying "shut up, whatever" if someone says or does something she doesn't like.

Yesterday I went to the shops and bought a 6 pack of soft drink. Dh is sitting there this evening drinking one and then goes to the kitchen so I ask him to get one. He replies that it's the last one and he's just about to have it. I ask him very politely if I could have it as I haven't had any of them (he's drunk 5 in the last 2 days) and he's just had one and he chucks it down on the table, slams the door, sits in his chair and turns the telly up.

I try to speak to him about it, to try and explain my point of view "whatever" turns telly up.

I literally can't communicate with the man and I hate the affect the way he is is having on our dc.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 17:07:31

Yes. But a good father was still the thing reached for as a good point when it is patently untrue.

So by all means we can split hairs about whether good sometimes can be reasonably paraphrased into great in a very brief post.

But let us not pretend that it is doing anything to help the OP see that her DH is a dreadful influence within the home.
It is petty, pedantic and an unhelpful diversion.

Lueji Thu 31-Jan-13 16:59:16

Pag, the clue was in
"when he's not being like the way I describe in the OP"

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 11:11:06

Spero said what I was trying to.

When 'he can be a good father' is generally the only thing you can come up with when asked what on earth are his good point which justify a relationship with him, it is not a good sign. Especially when all the bad points already listed include appalling behaviour being modelled for dh who are already mimicking the bad stuff

The fact that the op immediately turned on the person who queried her use of good father suggests that she is not really seeing how badly her DHs behaviour is contaminating the home.

Spero Thu 31-Jan-13 11:02:40

I don't agree situations are complicated at all. You either love each other and show it (most of the time), or you don't.

If you don't, you have to both want to work together to change it. If ione or both of you aren't willing or able to change you have to decide whether you put up with it or get out.

I always read on these threads - he is good with the children. But if he is not good with you, that means almost bugger all. So yes, don't damn the man as 100% awful, but never kid yourself about the impact his behaviour is likely to be having.

Screaminabdabs Thu 31-Jan-13 10:36:47

I agree with fuckadoodle. Some situations are complex.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 31-Jan-13 10:17:11

I think the op is just trying to give a completely view of what he's like and the good bits and bad bits, she's not saying that the good bits outweigh the bad.

Spero Thu 31-Jan-13 09:40:38

The point is to say 'he is generally good with the children' is just not true at all. He is not providing them with a firm bedrock of a warm loving home, where the adults treat each other with respect and kindness.

This stuff really matters, please trust me on this. I pay my (considerable ) mortgage by being provided with a never ending stream of fucked up adults and children who grew up in damaging environments. Only the strongest survive. Otherwise the cycle repeats ad infinitum.

Pagwatch Thu 31-Jan-13 07:59:17

Blimey. Is this thread about nit picking and missing the point?


The OP actually said

"He is generally very good with our DC. They adore him, and when he's not being like the way I describe in the OP he is great with them. He spent the whole of last weekend playing in the snow with them."

Paraphrasing that into 'a great dad' is not so wide of the mark as to warrant a snippy 'who said that and I don't like your tone' from the OP.

But knock yourself out. Let's miss the main point that his occasional attempts at good humour hardly justify praising his parenting.

MakingAnotherList Thu 31-Jan-13 07:50:34

Marking place. This situation sounds very familiar but I don't have time to read right now and don't want to lose the thread.

Lueji Thu 31-Jan-13 07:29:44

You said he was good with the children. Paraphrasing that into 'a great dad' is not unreasonable.

Actually, it is. Good is not great.

AThingInYourLife Thu 31-Jan-13 07:19:14

Rudeness - a fun game the whole family can play grin

AnyFucker Wed 30-Jan-13 21:25:20

timeismoney getting arsey with posters taking the time to read your thread and comment on your situation (at your request) is not helpful to you at all

Screaminabdabs Wed 30-Jan-13 16:16:07

I've sent you a PM, timeismoney, with a link to another MN thread which you might find helpful. smile

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 15:49:15

You did. You said he was good with the children.
Paraphrasing that into 'a great dad' is not unreasonable.

Spero Wed 30-Jan-13 15:45:16

You did as he was good with the children, but I agree with others who have said that playing nicely with them doesn't make up for how they see him act, especially towards you.

timeismoney Wed 30-Jan-13 15:43:14

Who said he was a great Dad?

I don't appreciate the tone of your post, a thinginyourlife.

I assume you're trying to tell it like it is, or something. Doesn't negate the need to be polite though.

AThingInYourLife Wed 30-Jan-13 14:55:24

LOL @ a "great Dad" teaching his children to be obnoxious brats.

The things he said to your four year old are appalling.

He's a shitty parent and a complete prick.

BalloonSlayer Wed 30-Jan-13 14:33:40

You make a lot of excuses for him timeismoney.

Slamming doors is not "passive aggressive." It's "aggressive aggressive." As is slamming drinks on the table.

Not getting you a drink when he is getting himself one is breathtakingly selfish. Saying you can't have the last can of a six pack you bought, because he intends to drink it himself, when he has just had one is . . . well, I can hardly find the words.

Lastly, he is not a good dad if he - or his behaviour - is bringing up your 2 year old DD to go around saying "Shut up, whatever" to people. This will be affecting her social life already.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 14:14:06

Ladywordy. Quite a few of those examples you gave of why he can't have asd (not that the op has said she thinks he has) are things my brother does who is on the spectrum. You can have asd and also have an individual personality. Their personalities vary just like everyone else.

Actually the getting angry about small things is pretty common.

timeismoney Wed 30-Jan-13 13:11:52

Ladywordy, I'm not in the mood for an argument (even if you are) but I didn't say I thought DH was on the spectrum.

I said " re: the autistic spectrum - I have thought before that his parents (or at the very least, his Dad) are on there somewhere."


Fuckadoodle, I don't know what's 'new' and what's just more exaggerated. I need to have a think really, and sort out if I think this is who he has always been, or whatever.

I don't know..

ThenWeTakeBerlin Wed 30-Jan-13 08:18:59

timeismoney My dad behaved in a very similar way to your DH. He treated my mum like a doormat.

The chilling thing is this; I didn't realise until I was an adult. I thought his behaviour was normal!

I thought that was what family life was like, The dad was 'in charge' and mum and kids revolve around him and his moods.

In my adult life I've become involved with many emotional abusers and gaslighters.

I don't mean for this post to scare you, but even if your OP is 'good' with the children by spending time playing with them, the way he treats you will affect them more than you realise.

Springdiva Wed 30-Jan-13 07:51:42

If his behaviour is new then it might be his work, some insecurity about coping with it or something, and he is taken it out on you, perhaps resents your 'easier' life.

Heart to heart talking is what is needed but easier said than done. Best of luck OP.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 30-Jan-13 07:47:02

So if you look back, how much of his behaviour is new and how much has always been there but perhaps in a milder form?

ladyWordy Tue 29-Jan-13 21:48:33

yes you did, I'm sorry; and I withdraw my choice of words. They sound narrow minded, more than anything, but you know them well and are in a better position to judge.

timeismoney Tue 29-Jan-13 21:04:54

Ladywordy - sorry, i think you've misunderstood. I didn't say i thought dh was on the spectrum, i was talking about his parents.

And no, he doesn't 'make the right noises' he is vehemently anti racist. Sorry, i think you're reading something other into my words than is correct.

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