Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
AIBU.. dp going out(96 Posts)
hi there, background is: dp and i been together a yr. i have a 3 yr old dd from previous relationship (dd does see her dad regularly) dp doesnt live with us but we are planning on getting a place together later in the year.
anyway, dp went out last night. heavy one and got home at 8am. we had arranged on fri that dp would take me to the supermarket today (i dont yet drive) i hadn't heard from him this morning but i decided to go first thing anyway as i didnt want to wait around for him. did shopping, took dd to park afterwards. got a call at 2, had a chat, he had a great night, all fine. i assumed we would be seeing him this eve, so i invited him round for dinner. he said that he would need to sleep as too tired. i feel pissy but not sure why, and just wondering how others would feel? it is hard and lonely being a single parent, as dp and i are planning on moving in together im expecting him to, i dunno... prioritize us. i feel a bit hurt and rejected. i also feel deeply resentful (unreasonable i know) that he can go out on a bender and i cant. am i being over the top? thank you for reading.
Thank you thecat for ur balanced opinion.
And thank you to all the other posters for your opinions too, the world would be a dull place if we all thought the same eh.
I am talking to him, will continue talking to him about this, before any decisions are made. But I have a different experience of drug users than some of you, so please respect that. I am not ignorant or naive about danger and risk, in any form it presents.
He doesn't live with you at the moment, so he's not subject to the restrictions of full-time family life. You hadn't got a definite plan to meet the next day, you just thought you probably would. He was up for taking you shopping despite having had a late one. He sounds like a good one for that alone - he can be relied on when he's promised to do something.
You don't mind him taking drugs. That's your call, not anyone else's. FWIW, I don't mind DH doing it very occasionally - I wouldn't have married him if he drank/took drugs/did anything to problem levels.
I think a chat is needed before any definite moving in plans are made. Maybe he realises that being in a stepdad role will mean he needs to rein it in a bit. Maybe he has no intention of doing that, and you'll have to think carefully about what you're happy to live with. What you've said about last night wouldn't be a big worry for me, though - it's not knowing his long term feelings that would make me unsettled.
I've used rather a lot of drugs in my youth.
But then I had children and the desire to use, particularly mind altering ones, left me. I just cannot get past the fear of lethal side effect potential or, and this makes my heart skip a beat, the possibility that dcs could be being cared for elsewhere and something happen to them while I was high. Could I deal with hospital emergency, be by their side and there for them, if I were on MDMA, LSD or the like? No way!
I know that alcohol can cause health damage. But a couple of glasses of wine once in a while does not carry with it the same potential for death, psychosis or kids being taken away.
So while it may seem hypocritical, I would not enter into a committed relationship or move in with a person who is still dabbling, despite having done the same when I was in my early 20s, Pre kids.
... this being a case in point, from my neck of the woods, the media could have put a bit more of a positive spin on it fgs.
I suppose reporting the deaths directly as a result of drug use is a bit "negative"
perhaps they should stop doing it, if it offends the sensibilities of the users themselves
chocolatepuff: ^"The media portray a v negative picture of drug use^"
Thank you. That's given me my first laugh in two weeks. (recovery from surgery)
And the drugs cartels he is funding? The drug wars, the murders, the addicts. The drug mules who are duped or forced into crime? The people on death row for drug smuggling? Does he think this is nothing to do with him?
'there is no better way to take the attraction out of drugs'
And yet here you are, a 30 year old parent, still using them occasionally and seriously thinking about moving a 36 year old user into your home. So obviously they are still pretty attractive to you!
I don't think anyone has suggested that you might take drugs while your DD is actually present. What people are saying to you is that you could die from a bad batch and leave your DD without a mother. Whether she is with you when that happens or tucked up safe in bed doesn't matter, the outcome is the same.
Chocolate I think for me the worrying thing is more what the drugs represent eg hedonistic crazy nights out without a care in the world.
I wouldn't expect a 36 year old parent to go out binge drinking until 8am either, which represents the same thing IMO.
As a new parent and erstwhile drugs dabbler, I can't really imagine wanting to take drugs or get really hammered any more. Even if someone else is looking after my child I feel a base level of responsibility to stay sober enough to take care of them if I needed to.
Ok.... I have never had a comedown looking after dd. I have taken drugs 3 times since I had her, twice at a festival that she wasn't at, and once on ny when I had childcare provided till next evening. But I do too little to get comedowns anyway. Im not into doing drugs really and am put off by not knowing what is in them.
My parents were v open with me about their drug taking youth. As such, I was open with them when I started taking them at 16. And when I started to have a horrid trip one night, I came straight home and they talked me down from it. Compared to my friends with parents who were v stiff on the drugs issue, I was not bothered by them either way. There's no better way to take the attraction out of drugs than if you kno ur parents have taken them! How uncool.. Whereas friends whose parents were totally against drugs could not talk to them about taking them, and were lured by the taboo of it all. That's my experience anywY. Does not mean I'm going to b taking drugs with my dd around, before u flame me! Getting ready butvwill try n post more later
Oh, and you might like to think about the criminal supply chain he is supporting.
"I have used mdma, ketamine, lsd, mushroooms. I never drink alcohol and I stopped smoking years ago"
That is no justification for taking illegal drugs. Alcohol is very damaging. I have seen first hand what it is like to live with an alcoholic. I have also experienced first hand what it is like to live with someone dying from the effects of heavy smoking. But they are both legal and regulated and the risks are very well known.
You could say, for instance, that stealing from a shop is OK because it isn't as if anyone is getting hurt. It isn't it is just wrong.
No matter how you dress it up, taking non prescription drugs is illegal and unregulated. You have no idea what they contain. Like all other non drug users and ex drug users I wouldn't touch anyone who uses drugs with a barge pole.
And I find it interesting that you are identifying with the poster who is, not to mince words, a druggie. You can dress this up anyway you like but if you take drugs that is what you are.
This is not going to work out the way you hope it will.
A 36 year old man still taking Ketamine and 'partying' until 8am is not going to fit in with a young family, no matter how much you try and tell yourself he might.
I'm sure he's fine, I'm sure he is a nice guy. I am not a drug user and I try and fight the urge to be all po faced about it but I truly think that you are not a particularly decent parent if you take drugs. However, going back to this guy, you're on a hiding to nothing here.
You've had your warnings in plenty of time < before you move in with him > and I think you instinctively know he is not going to be a good fit for your lifestyle and family, hence why you've posted.
Time will probably prove this to be the case.
Can I ask how you manage with a 3 year old on a comedown OP?
Not surprising that you've chosen to identify with the poster who said drugs aren't bad.
Surely you shouldn't be so blasé about drugs when you have a child in your care? Do you really think two recreational drug users are good role models? Would you be happy to have your daughter use them?
Think about what you're doing before moving your boyfriend in. . You're funding a hell of a lot of shit across the world for the fun you have.
Rat poison and broken glass are two components that have been found cut into some drugs. Do you want to run the risk of death through a faulty batch. You and your partner need to grow the hell up.
If this man wont put you and your child first when he doesnt live with you he certainly wont when he does. Trust me i know lived with a man for 4 years who put the pub, friends and bookies before me and his daughter. Do not do this to yourself or your child. You deserve better
I have read two news reports from just a couple of weekends ago about two young people who have died from taking stuff from a bad batch doing the rounds in my area. I expect they thought they were invincible and knew what they were doing too.
You don't do this shit when you are a parent. If you do, you are a fool.
You run a huge risk taking drugs when you have a child.
A friend of a friend took coke regularly. It started to affect his ability to work and earn money as he was self employed. He began letting people down. He began to borrow money to find his habit. He got into debt and with people you don't want to get into debt with. The pressure built and one day his wife and 2 small children came home from shopping and doin him hanging from the loft.
The police interviewed his wife and the use of drugs was brought up. She admitted to having used them with him occassionally. The police got social services involved who questioned her some more. She was mourning her husband and was suddenly at risk of having her kids taken off her. In the end this didn't happen but the fact it got this far shows the damage it can lead to.
Maybe the drugs he and you use are not as addictive but all the same it's dangerous and for me it is a risk not worth taking.
to me like an above poster, it is just as bad / damaging getting rat arsed on booze as it is taking pills.
No, it really isn't. And I say that as someone who was a habitual user of many recreational drugs in the past. I used to think like that too, when I was 21. And then I grew up.
Please do report back on your conversation!
I think you know, on some level, that moving in with a late 30s druggie isn't a great idea, hence your post on here.
I'd deal with your own drug taking and take some time out/get counselling before entering into another relationship tbh, or at the very least keep this one ultra casual and definitely not move in together - but that's probably not what you want to hear and it's easier to say it's judgey or whatever, but you do need to ask yourself how you'll feel if it dd starts taking drugs imo
The only people who equate taking illegal, unregulated and potentially fatal drugs to getting pissed on alcohol are the ones who are habitual drug users (or those who apologise for them)
They think nothing bad will ever happen to them.
The way this thread has gone, is precisely the reason I didn't mention the drugs element to me like an above poster, it is just as bad / damaging getting rat arsed on booze as it is taking pills.
Devendra thank you, you sound like the people I am friends with yes some people get fucked up when they take drugs. As do some drinkers. Plenty don't and just have a great time.
Anyway, I'm just about to talk to him about this...
If these drugs were regulated and controlled, I would kind of agree with you devendra and branleuse.
But seeing as an MDMA tablet could contain anything or be cut with other drugs LSD etc, which may give the user a experience they haven't prepared for, I don't think they can be compared with alcohol.
Drugs like E's, coke etc can also set off mental illness and disorders , even after enjoyable periods of recreational use. I used every weekend for a number of years, bloody enjoyed myself too, with little negative effects apart from comedown and Tuesday blues. Took one E one night, which brought on a psychotic episode, which took around 2 years of medication to sort out. Thinking back I think it was cut with something like acid.
I don't think children should be brought up in a lifestyle which includes regularly taking drugs as having fun, their too unpredictable, and their effects- comedown can be too disruptive to family life. I'm still having hot sweats thinking of experiencing a comedown with 2 screaming kids .
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.