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AIBU.. dp going out

(96 Posts)
chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 18:29:07

hi there, background is: dp and i been together a yr. i have a 3 yr old dd from previous relationship (dd does see her dad regularly) dp doesnt live with us but we are planning on getting a place together later in the year.

anyway, dp went out last night. heavy one and got home at 8am. we had arranged on fri that dp would take me to the supermarket today (i dont yet drive) i hadn't heard from him this morning but i decided to go first thing anyway as i didnt want to wait around for him. did shopping, took dd to park afterwards. got a call at 2, had a chat, he had a great night, all fine. i assumed we would be seeing him this eve, so i invited him round for dinner. he said that he would need to sleep as too tired. i feel pissy but not sure why, and just wondering how others would feel? it is hard and lonely being a single parent, as dp and i are planning on moving in together im expecting him to, i dunno... prioritize us. i feel a bit hurt and rejected. i also feel deeply resentful (unreasonable i know) that he can go out on a bender and i cant. am i being over the top? thank you for reading.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 20:50:03

I don't think you're making a massive deal out of nothing, I completely understand your fears/concerns and how the lines can seem blurred when you have a relationship not with dc father. I suppose because ultimately you don't feel as though you can place the same expectation as you would the dc father, but yet somehow there is still an expectation.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 21:04:49

dd's dad left me, after 2 years of emotional abuse and with-holding sex, as i was not attractive enough (his reason. even with low self esteem i know this is bollocks!) and he wanted to play the field and sleep with other women, which is precisely what he has been doing since he left. i have been in therapy (still am) i am paranoid current dp will leave, as he will find me and family life boring (as dd's dad did) and i know this paranoia shadows my feelings about this particular going out issue...

i am not planning on having dc's with dp. i had horrendous pnd with dd which has scared me enough to put me off doing it again (plus, i have no desire to have any more, am a full time student atm) and dp does not want children of his own either.

dp is very sensible with money actually and i trust him not to booze it away. i agree sparklyjumper, living together means family, means you do it all, not just the bits that are 'easy'

we dont have any days that we definitely see each other, but he naturally would have come over today as it had been a couple of days since we last saw each other. we usually see each other twice in the week, and at the weekends.

Numberlock, he is a decent guy. i think its my fear / paranoia that is the problem

FriedSprout Sun 27-Jan-13 21:07:35

Would he actually have been safe to drive after being up all night drinking anyway?

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 21:08:28

yes sparklyjumper, thats exactly it. i place the same expectation, but that expectation had dd's father running, so was it too much to ask?

(expectation = to share everything equally, to want a relationship still)

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 21:14:24

Do you get chance to socialise without dp? So does your dd's dad have her overnight, or a relative, or even your dp? Even if you're not into going out drinking. It's important to do something so that you don't end up feeling too dependent on him which will also help with self esteem and feeling resentful.

I hope you manage to find the right balance for your relationship and that it works out.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 21:19:00

I don't think you can blame yourself in anyway for your exes behaviour, but you also can't hold it against your current boyfriend iyswim?

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 21:24:51

i do socialise without my dp, dd goes to her dads overnight once a week so i have a night off. i either see friends (and then go to dp's late at end of night) or see dp. dont have the money to go out alot but i do make sure i see friends at theirs/mine with wine etc.

yes im mindful of not putting past issues on dp. it can be hard to untangle feelings and find their true cause or root sometimes hey? thats why bashing it out on mn or with friends can be very insightful! thank you all smile

NotGoodNotBad Sun 27-Jan-13 21:45:39

Dunno really, maybe I'm a stick in the mud, but if I was going to move in with someone I wouldn't be happy if they were to go out and stay out till 8am (once we were living together, IYSWIM). Not sure why. Going on separately, fine, staying out occasionally till 2 or 3, fine. But 8am, not fine. That basically writes off the next day (actually, maybe that's why I wouldn't be OK with it). And I wouldn't really be happy with my child growing up in a house where her stepdad spends the day sleeping off his partying.

BTW I was very surprised when you said he's 36.

sarahseashell Sun 27-Jan-13 21:47:10

me too shock I thought more like 26 from your OP

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 22:15:41

oh really? all his partying mates range from late 20's to late 30's, and don't have any children. infact.. in other circles ive moved in, its the older lot who seem to be a bit wilder.. years of practice i guess!

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 27-Jan-13 22:30:13

When you say "partying" mates and night getting messy, are we talking drugs or just alcohol?

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 22:34:38

drugs too, yes.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 22:37:51

which for dp's part, involve mdma and ketamine. (has done these drugs for years) i have dabbled with mdma but i wouldnt take ketamine

AViewfromtheFridge Sun 27-Jan-13 22:41:11

I think if you know that it's that sort of night, you should expect it'll be fairly likely that the next day will be a write-off. He hasn't cancelled any plans, so I don't think he's really done anything wrong.

However, when you move in together, will you still be happy for him to have nights like this, even if it's only once in a while? Will it be ok for him to come back in the morning, wired, then take himself off to bed for the day? Reading between the lines, I'm assuming that you don't partake yourself.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 22:45:44

yes, which is why i knew to take myself to the supermarket this morn! smile

the once in a while element of this kind of night is acceptable if we live together. which to me means no more than twice a year. providing i get the same level of lie-in / break.

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 23:00:36

hmm, it would put me off a lot a 36 year old who hasn't given up their party drugs yet. I know it's personal choice for me those days were long gone once dc came along, and that would mean any partner too. no wonder he didn't want to come over

Numberlock Sun 27-Jan-13 23:10:06

This would be a deal breaker for me too.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 23:14:16

can i ask why it would be a deal breaker?

although i dont get on it like dp does, i dont think its any more of a problem than if he was out drinking every now and then

sparklyjumper Sun 27-Jan-13 23:25:20

all sorts of reasons that are personal opinions rather than necessarily facts. a comedown can be 10x worse than a hangover and can cause terrible mood swings. I believe prolonged use of drugs can affect mental health. I'm not keen on binge drinking either but alcohol is socially acceptable and legal, drugs aren't . I'm not condemning drug use but for me they have their time and place and in a different life to that I'd want around a dc. there's just something about his age and not having stopped doing drugs that doesn't sit well with being ready to settle down. but it really is only my personal opinion.

chocolatepuff Sun 27-Jan-13 23:34:58

thanks for your reply sparklyjumper. I have many friends who have taken and still take drugs. i occasionally do (v occasionally! and not to magnitiude of an 8am finish anymore!) because i know lots of people that do, that are in their 30's, i dont see it as a big deal. but i understand that this isnt the norm.

but the drugs and not wanting to settle down... yes i question this too. well its the first time really, so i'll see how it goes over the next couple of months

Bunbaker Sun 27-Jan-13 23:54:26

"which for dp's part, involve mdma and ketamine."

That would be a deal breaker for me and wave massive red flags. I just wouldn't want to be involved with someone who takes illegal drugs.

I agree with sparklyjumper. It doesn't sound like your partner wants to settle down.

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 10:23:53

I wouldn't be involved with anyone who did illegal drugs and definitely would not live with them with a young child in the equation.

Does he do other recreational drugs, eg smoke weed?

In your case as the drugs are not a dealbreaker, I would suggest you just carry on dating for the time being. There's no need to live together, just enjoy each other's company during your child-free time whilst continuing to enjoy time with your daughter and time with friends.

Does he own his own home or rent/share with friends?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 28-Jan-13 10:49:49

Huge red flag and deal breaker.

That lifestyle is cliquey, and addictive. There is no way on this earth that I would move a man like that into my child's home. What if some of these mates decide that a party back at yours after the club is a good idea - and your DP thinks that because he is paying half the bills (I hope) that he has the right to ask who he likes to come back to his home? How will you feel if your DD can't come down and play with her toys in her pjs in the morning because your living room is full of blokes on a comedown?

It sounds like he still likes to think of himself as a young party animal, and isn't ready to settle down and embrace responsibility.

How are his finances, does he work? What had you discussed about how you would share costs when he moves into your house?

By all means carry on dating him, but I really would urge you not to move him into your home.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 10:55:05

Are you crazy ?

Do not move in with this man

Branleuse Mon 28-Jan-13 11:00:27

you dont live toegther. I wouldnt give it a second thought.

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