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erectile dysfunction

(36 Posts)
frustratedashell Sat 26-Jan-13 23:52:01

I love my fiance very much. We are getting married in May. The thing is hes diabetic and suffers from ED. Hes tried viagra, cialis and another one I cant remember the name of. They have worked occasionally, but lately not at all.
He needs to loose about 2 stone. Ive tried to encourage him to eat healthily and do exercise. We started a new diabetes type diet just under 4 wks ago. In the first week his blood sugar levels dropped and he lost 3lbs. So we were both thrilled, but since then his levels have come back up a bit and hes put some weight back on. Meanwhile he does not try to please me in other ways (in the bedroom) and Im getting fed up with it. This has been going on for 9 months now. Ive been patient and understanding but now my patience has run out. I dont feel he is doing all he can to help himself. I dont want a sexless marriage/relationship. I have talked to him about this several times. Its now 15 weeks till we get married and Im wondering if I should call it off/postpone it. Ive told him this. The thing is I do want to be with him, hes a wonderful partner in every other way. Most things are booked and half paid for. If im going to call it off/postpone I think I need to do it asap. He knows how I feel, Ive asked him if he thinks im being unfair and he said no. I know hes fed up with the situation too but he doesnt seem to follow anything through, eg he got his testosterone levels checked and they were a bit low. The doctor wasnt sure if he could have testosterone supplements and said she would find out. She never did get back to him. Hes not chased it up. That was at least a month ago. HELP!!!

Darkesteyes Wed 29-May-13 22:54:49

I knew i recognised yr user name from somewhere when i saw you on that other thread.
So pleased for you OP thanks wine

frustratedashell Wed 29-May-13 21:42:58

Thanks everyone!

hobbknob Tue 28-May-13 20:40:00

How wonderful, a lovely update, I'm thrilled for you.

MagicHouse Tue 28-May-13 14:38:28

Fab update grin well done you!!!!

frustratedashell Tue 28-May-13 14:29:42

Hi people, well it's now the end of may and I'm here with an update. I moved out of my ex fiances on Feb 18th. Now living in a shared house with 2 really lovely people, and a gorgeous dog! Lol
The whole experience has made me reevaluate what I want in life. The plan was to be single for some time, sort myself out and get over it. I have to say I have hardly cried at all over him. The wedding day has passed, not an easy day, but I'm fine. I've started up as a self employed cleaner and it's going pretty well. And I've met someone! Yes I know! It wasn't meant to happen yet! But we are in love and the sex is out of this world! If you had told me this would happen 3 months ago I would have said you were mad. So I'm happy but still scared. He knows about the ex and has been so under standing. We're thinking about moving in together, but I'm still wary. Trying to be sensible. Anyway hope you like the update.

frustratedashell Wed 30-Jan-13 07:22:17

Hi TDada. Thanks for the suggestion but I couldnt as I dont like my step dad all that much. lol. They havent really got room anyway. Things are moving along nicely at the moment. Ive looked at my finances in detail, eg estate agents, solicitors, clearing debts and loans. I know how much I should have "left over". Have been looking at room mate websites and renting a 1 bed flat. Ive seen a couple of nice flats which Im going to view tomorrow, which arent too expensive. Ive spoken to the agent and found out all the costs involved and its doable. I would still have some money left. As im currently unemployed (working on it!) I would have to pay all the money up front for the 6 months rental, which I dont mind at all. It then gives me some security and time to get a job and find out what the monthly bills will be like. I can then decide whether or not to stay there. Im actually feeling happier and quite excited.
Im going to stay where I am till I can move into a new place. The initial awkwardness has gone and we are fine at the moment. I just miss the cuddles!
He is being very helpful and cooperative.
Darkesteyes, I can see why you think hes manipulative, but really hes not. Yes that sounds like Im in denial, but honestly hes not. He was just stating how he would feel, as was I.

He knows hes lost a good thing (modest!) and accepts that its his own fault. He wants me to stay but hes not pressurising me. I think he may learn from this.
Im now looking forward to building myself a new life. Thanks for your support.

TDada Tue 29-Jan-13 22:07:14

So so sorry to hear but understand. I think food is an additiction for some including diabetics. Consider saving your lump sum and living with parents for a bit?

frustratedashell Mon 28-Jan-13 17:24:40

Thanks. x

Darkesteyes Mon 28-Jan-13 16:02:37

Frustrated you have done the right thing for you.
What he said about understanding you sleeping with someone else but that he would be "hurt" if you did is manipulation.
He was trying to guilt trip you into staying faithful to him even though he had no intention of keeping his "with my body i thee worship" marriage vows to you (had you got married)
Like i said upthread that kind of reaction tells you all you need to know.
Im sorry that you are upset at the moment.
It sounds to me that he is losing a lovely woman. And he only has himself to blame.
I thought he was just a fool to start with but your post about his reaction to the open relationship suggestion tells me he is manipulative as well.
Good luck frustrated.
You deserve more.

frustratedashell Mon 28-Jan-13 01:26:31

thanks tired. Yes it is sad and Im sure there will be tears. But life goes on.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Mon 28-Jan-13 01:00:24

Well done. Hope all goes well for you.

FWIW I think you have done the right thing for you.

It's sad though - sad that he didn't care enough to make the changes you needed him to make, and sad that he is too lazy to sort out his life and health. It is his loss. I really don't understand people like this.

Good luck with it all.

frustratedashell Mon 28-Jan-13 00:27:41

We have kind of talked about an open relationship in as much as I said I dont want to end up having an affair but also I dont want a sexless relationship. He said he would understand if I did sleep with someone else but would be very hurt. Its not something I want really. Anyway its too late now, the decision is made. We are splitting up. He doesnt want that but I cant see anything changing. Hes been doing exercises tonight and chasing up a few things re the ED. I had to laugh, why now? Its too bloody late! We are being friendly with each other and making each other cups of tea etc. I feel strangely calm, I havent cried. Ive cancelled one of the wedding things tonight by email. I will be ringing most of the others tomorrow. Im unemployed at the moment so I have the time. He says I can stay here as long as I need to, as Im waiting for the sale of my flat to complete .I will then have the funds to rent somewhere. I moved away from my hometown to live with him, only about 20 miles though. I will go back there and look for a flat and job in that area. Im sure ive done the right thing. I actually feel empowered. Weird! Thanks for all your advice people.

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 16:43:46

He was with her for 16 years. I think i know why she had depression!

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 16:43:00

Frustrated it has driven me to the brink of insanity and back.
I have a suggestion you could put to him. Only if you feel you want to.
You could broach the subject of having an open relationship with him. His reaction to that should tell you all you need to know.

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 16:28:54

Yes its the attitude (apathy and Unwillingness) that hurts. He was with her for 16 years.

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 16:25:33

It sounds to me like he hasnt been fully truthful with you.
The fact that hes not bothered about pleasing you in ways other than penetration shows he is downright bloody selfish.
It makes me so angry that men think they can put women through this. Its not his fault he has a problem but his apathy and unwillingness to take your needs seriously IS his fault.
Do you know how long he was with his ex?

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 16:07:24

Dark thats a good point, I must admit I hadnt thought of that. She was 17 years older than him so maybe she wasnt bothered?

Darkesteyes Sun 27-Jan-13 16:01:10

Im sorry to hear this frustrated. His apathy towards the problem is not a good sign.
Re. your post at 1.30 last night rang serious alarm bells.
Are you sure his exs depression wasnt caused by the fact that his problems were already there back then and the same thing happened with him and his ex.
If he was like it back then and unwilling to do anything about it that could certainly have led to her becoming depressed.
Are you sure he hasnt embellished that slightly?

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 14:29:49

Hi everyone thanks for your comments. TDada that was my thought too, until about half an hour ago! We have been to Boots and weighed, hes lost 3lb this week. I was pleased. The plan then was to go for lunch somewhere and then go to the cinema. So we go to wetherspoons, not the easiest place to eat healthily I will admit. (He suggested going for a curry!) I chose the lowest calorie healthy meal (The menus have calories on). He goes to bar and orders the meals plus 2 coffees. I said what did you order he said same as you. I said oh good. A bit later our meals arrive, except his has chips on the plate. And no it wasnt a mistake, its what he ordered! I was fuming! I made my feelings known without causing a scene. I just could not believe he would do that after our discussion.
We finished our meal in silence and he then tried to make small talk. I asked him why he had ordered that meal. He said cos he gets bored with his restrictive diet. After a while I said I cant do this, this relationship is over. I said I would find somewhere else to live soon.(Im selling my flat and its very near completion then I will have a reasonable lump sum so I can rent somewhere) But I could go stay with my mum if he wanted me gone. He sat there calmly and said no you dont have to do that. He made no attempt to talk me out of it.I know I could pull out of the sale of my flat but it doesnt feel like home anymore and I want a fresh start plus the money. Im so bloody angry. I may go to my mums anyway, I dont know.

TDada Sun 27-Jan-13 13:21:34

really bad signs. Does it make sense not to get married butlive together for a bit longer to allow you to decide/work on things?

MooseyFate Sun 27-Jan-13 12:57:58

My DH also has ED. He is in late 40's, taking strong blood pressure and cholestrol meds for an inherited condition. He has now lost some weight and walks to work instead of driving so is starting to make an effort. The doctors have given him cialis and viagra, both help a little but not enough for penetration. This started about 3 years ago, with the occassional problem and just got progressively worse. It was a real blow to my self-esteem. He was also gutted and for a long time wouldn't even talk about it. He always made an effort to satisy me though, and reassured me that he found me sexy etc

Given that you feel strongly that having an active sex life is a vital part of a relationship, I'm not sure if I would carry on with the marriage plans if I was you. He makes no effort to please you sexually in other ways so maybe for him sex isn't such a big deal, but it's really selfish of him to not consider your needs.

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 12:03:45

We have had a talk, hes under no illusions as to how I feel. Hes read this thread. Ive given him the ring back but we havent broken up. I asked him if he wanted me to move out (its his flat) and he said no. Says he will ring doc tomorrow and get an appt asap. Im not convinced that Ive got through to him.
We will see what happens, the thing is in the next few weeks we need to pay the remainder of various wedding expenses so I feel pressured. We are going out a bit later, also today is our weighing day. We go to Boots most Sundays to do this. Will let you know how it goes!

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 01:30:05

his earlier relationship foundered cos his partner suffered from depression but she shut him out and wouldnt let him help. They then drifted apart and ended up in seperate rooms for the last 6 years of their relationship. There was no sex during that time. He was diagnosed with diabetes about 3 yrs into that period . He then lost his erections about a year later. Im not sure about my decision. My heart says marry him, my head says dont. I think I will talk to him tomorrow . We live together. I could move out if necessary.

fallenangle Sun 27-Jan-13 01:07:34

OP because of your ages i presume this is second time around for both of you. Do you know why his earlier relationship foundered? Presumably not because he was too assertive. Did you post here seeking affirmation of a decision you have already, reluctantly, made?

frustratedashell Sun 27-Jan-13 00:26:34

fallenangle sorry for confusion. He needs to go see doctor for a medication review. He has the week off work soon(11th Feb) and says he will go then, so i said it would be good to ask about the testosterone at the same time. Hes fine about me going with him by the way.
Tired, yes I appreciate what youre saying.
I think I knew what the general concensus was going to be before I even posted this on here.

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