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tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

(1000 Posts)
chocoreturns Sat 26-Jan-13 22:44:42

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all sad

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll sad

Themobstersknife Sun 27-Jan-13 09:21:29

I think you did well. It was never going to go completely to plan. At least you have now spoken and it will not be as hard next time. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing here. My sister's marriage has broken down and a few years on, there are still lots of bitterness and lies, and my sister and OW have never met or spoken. It is so tough on my lovely niece and nephew. Good on you!

porridgeLover Sun 27-Jan-13 09:24:57

Choco I remember your thread while you were expecting. Your dignity and graciousness is as evident as ever. You have never let yourself down and I am sure you won't today.
I feel so strongly for you....I have no doubt you will have handled yourself well.
Best wishes.

MrsTomHardy Sun 27-Jan-13 09:25:51

Good job. smile

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 09:27:27

Well, its been said now. I think I also said it was incredibly crass of them to let my two year old be the one to tell me she was spending time with my children. She said she wasn't 'allowed to speak to me' and I set her straight that I was absolutely clear with twunt that I expected to meet her before she met my children. If she chooses to believe his lies, that's her perrogative but I am not about to go along with it any more.

I am weirdly calm. I know it can all be used as evidence that I am a psycho bitch but I don't really care. If she doesn't feel a tiny bit ashamed of herself now, she will do in the future. There had to be a point where I stood up for myself and today was it.

They are so unbelievably below my contempt.


fuckity fuckity FUCK FUCK FUCK.

glenthebattleostrich Sun 27-Jan-13 09:27:30

OP, I have nothing constructive or no advice to add as I have not been in your position. I just wanted to say I think you are amazing. The dignified manner in which you dealt with her, whilst making sure they know they are shits, is fantastic.

You sound like an amazing mother and in years to come (when he has destroyed his relationship with the children, shelfish twunts like this usually do) they will remember and appreciate you.

Blackduck Sun 27-Jan-13 09:27:30

I think you did brilliantly. Wow, it's all about them isn't it? She had the affair with a married man, she knowingly did this, but ahh, didums she doesn't know what to say?!
I think you we're actually pretty restrained in the circumstances!

saintlyjimjams Sun 27-Jan-13 09:30:09

Perfect OP - perfect.

Dignified but no pushover - well done.

saintlyjimjams Sun 27-Jan-13 09:30:39

And HOW DARE she try and bleat. Silly cow.

Globular Sun 27-Jan-13 09:31:05

You handled yourself with amazing dignity and strength - your DC are so lucky to have someone like you looking out for them!

<cheers and waves pom poms>

BerylStreep Sun 27-Jan-13 09:31:59

Good God she's arrogant! You have done nothing wrong at all, and handled yourself well in the circumstances. I suspect ex will try to punish you for this though.

Just try to remember that she did you a favour in the long run - at least you are (partially) rid of this shit from your life.

saffronwblue Sun 27-Jan-13 09:31:59

Choco you did so well. They deserve each other and I love that you planted into her mind what her future is likely to hold.
Now you can let yourself fall apart, let the adrenalin go and have a long bath, eat chocolate whatever you need to do. It won't be so hard again.

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 09:32:55

oh I forgot to say, she actually told me she 'doesn't need me to tell her what kind of a man he is'


You're absolutely right love. You have only yourself to blame in the future, because he couldn't have made it more clear.

I'm glad she thinks she's so special and different.

During all of this, of course, twunt stood there smirking and said precisely - nothing. Didn't apologise, or defend her, or anything. In fact he told her to get out of the car because I was there to talk to her, not him.


Midwife99 Sun 27-Jan-13 09:36:28

Oh Choco - bloody fantastic. And by the sounds of it twunt enjoyed seeing her squirm?!!! What a complete bastard he is. He actually enjoys seeing people suffer on his account!!! Grrrr!!! angry

Thisisaeuphemism Sun 27-Jan-13 09:45:04

You did well choco. That's done and each time it will get easier. X

maleview70 Sun 27-Jan-13 09:45:08

Never forget who the real culprit is in all this......

She has probably fell for the usual bullshit that cheating men spout....doesn't understand me, horrible, if we didn't have kids, evil....blah blah. For some reason many (silly) women fall for the shit and before you know it this is what you have.

He is probably now telling her " see I told you" and she is probably thinking "well actually it wasn't that bad and unexpected her to be an ogre"

The best revenge is to completely screw the bastard financially. Eventually get your life back on track and show him who the real loser is.

Datingagain Sun 27-Jan-13 09:45:16

Choco - well done. Really, you totally did the right thing.

You said exactly what needed saying, if you hadn't have
responded to her bullshit "woe is me" line, you'd have
been kicking yourself.

You have now said your piece, she knows how you feel,
and you can now move on.

And for the greater good of the kids, you now have each
others numbers.

You're a complete legend. Now go and treat yourself to
something lovely.

This is one of the hardest things (out of a long list) of crap that you have had to deal with over the last year(?).

You are an inspiration. He and she are pond life.

As they get older, your children will form their own opinions. They will always know that you did the best you could, by them.

Sending huge hugs,

watchoutforthatsnail Sun 27-Jan-13 09:45:32

choc, well done.
So it didnt go quite to plan, but still. It takes balls, and selflessness to do that.

Yesterday i let the ow ( now his wife) in my house, with him, to pick dd up after her party.

I dont even hate her, just pity her, he wont have changed, but for DD's sake, to not put her through shit, to not feel bad/ guilty/ sad etc, then its the best i can do out of a shite situation. Im taking a pat on the back for it. and you should too smile

porridgeLover Sun 27-Jan-13 09:46:30

What a s#1t.
What a prize she has 'won'.
Your DS's will be soo lucky to have you in the future.

On another note, I'm glad you're feeling the helps to float over the separation.

CuttedUpPear Sun 27-Jan-13 09:48:35

Well done Choco.
Be proud of yourself.

I hope you're doing something nice for yourself today.

Datingagain Sun 27-Jan-13 09:48:41

Sorry for crappy para spacing - not meant to look like a bloody poem...

Chesntoots Sun 27-Jan-13 09:49:28

I too think you are gracious - and far more of a bigger person than I am. I wouldn't be able to hold off on the sarcasm.
A while ago I went out with a man with a DD (I wasn't the OW) and his ex wanted to "interview" me to see whether I was "suitable" and have a CRB check done...
I would speak to her in front of your ex though. I don't think her character is as honest as yours, and as others have said, she may twist it round.

NorthernLurker Sun 27-Jan-13 09:53:44

I think you did well.

Chesntoots Sun 27-Jan-13 09:54:16

I came in a bit late there!
Incidentally I think you were mightily restrained - I don't think I would have been.
Be good to yourself today.

SnowBusiness Sun 27-Jan-13 09:54:21

You were PERFECT! Well done. said your piece, maintained dignity and made life easier for your children. I think you've been simply wonderful. Well done. Now go and do something to take your mind of it all and give yourself a break.

OnlyWantsOne Sun 27-Jan-13 10:05:16

I think what you said was perfect really.

And it's done now, so like you said - try and draw a line under it.

Fwiw when my shitty bastard X left me for OW, and 3 weeks later she calls me and tells me she needs my help and I found out he had put her head through a door he was violent to me too and then they got back together, I resolved to walk away and leave them to it

They break up every couple of months, their both miserable. Fuck them.

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