Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

(1000 Posts)
chocoreturns Sat 26-Jan-13 22:44:42

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all sad

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll sad

nkf Sun 27-Jan-13 08:00:36

I wish I had done the same. We are several years in and I have not met his wife. My children spend a lot of time there. I daresay I could try to arrange a meeting now but I haven't. It makes sense for people who are looking after children not to be total strangers. You're a braver woman than me. Good luck.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 27-Jan-13 08:04:22

Don't talk to her....I am with tribpot. The less you say the better.

BouncyPenguin Sun 27-Jan-13 08:06:32

I should add that OW will soon find herself in the same position as My DSis X ended up having child with OW and then she realised what a shit bloke he is and they split up. So she will at some point have to hand her child over to him and is new woman (whoever that 'lucky' lady is) and not know where he is or what this woman is like!

ProphetOfDoom Sun 27-Jan-13 08:13:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeverBeenToMe Sun 27-Jan-13 08:22:40

Another one wishing you well.

SpringyReframed Sun 27-Jan-13 08:24:56

Choco I have no advice but just wanted to say good luck with it today. I feel for you, and will be one of the many MN'rs standing behind you. It is shit but this day will pass. flowers

AngelinaCongleton Sun 27-Jan-13 08:31:05

Good luck today op. I hope you are rewarded for your maturity and strength in those long run. I'm sure you will be.

Thisisaeuphemism Sun 27-Jan-13 08:34:08

Hope it goes ok today - I wouldn't say anything, they are both stuck up their own arses so far that they won't hear you.

MusicForTheMasses Sun 27-Jan-13 08:39:51

Until they are at your door and you actually see them face to face I think it's difficult to say just what you will do and say. You'll review the situation in that split second and know what to do then, so try not to be too structured in what you are thinking at the moment.

Whatever you do, don't do, say or don't say we are all here. xx

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 08:41:09

30 mins and counting... I feel sick.

I have taken on board everyone's advice. I think I do need to say something, so this is what I've decided:

When they arrive, the children will be with my mum in the living room (door closed) and I'll say this to them both together.

"I am quite well aware of how often OW has been spending time with the children [there has been legal stuff going on which they have completely ignored and lied about, so I do want to address it]. I do not appreciate being lied to, and should think we've all had quite enough of pretending OW doesn't exist. As you (to OW) are going to be spending time with the children every time STBXH has them, I expect him to give you my number. (He needs to hear that bit!)

"My priority is, and always has been their safety and happiness. I want to make it perfectly clear now that if you (OW) are ever concerned about them, don't know what to do, think they need me, or they just want to speak to me, then you can call. I won't make it difficult or unpleasant for you if you do.

"I think it's important that you both hear this and there is no confusion about this issue. I also expect to know roughly where they are when they are with you, and am always willing to extend the same courtesy to STBXH."

Then I'll go get the children and do the handover bit super fast and cheerfully.

Nervous doesn't begin to cover it. I hope she's cacking her pants. sad

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 08:41:49

lol cross post musicforthemasses, I know you're right but I like to have a plan!!

ImagineJL Sun 27-Jan-13 08:45:26

Good luck

If you're needing to talk yourself out of telling OW what you really think, remember you're doing it for your children.

My parents divorced when I was two, and my father went on to have 3 more wives after that. One was lovely, the other two weren't, but by far the most upsetting aspect of it for me and my brother was the fact that my parents hated each other, and made no secret of the fact. When I was with one of them, I felt I couldn't mention the other one, so I was constantly on edge.

I remember once we were at my father's house with his second wife, and unbeknown to us they were in the process of splitting up. They had a blazing row, and that was a probably the most upsetting time of all.

I guess what I'm saying is that kids can adapt to all kinds of people and situations, but seeing the people they love fighting is very distressing for them. So I think maintaining calm dignity and cordiality is a good plan.

activatetherhythm Sun 27-Jan-13 08:46:18

Nearly crying reading your posts OP. Can't imagine how hard. I think what you have planned to say is absolutely right. Thinking of you. X

MusicForTheMasses Sun 27-Jan-13 08:46:30

Choco Best to have one, just be ready to change it if you need to. I know you are quick witted enough to do that! ;-) xxx

blackcurrants Sun 27-Jan-13 08:51:36

oh, you are brilliant Choco thanks

Jemma1111 Sun 27-Jan-13 08:51:52


I think that sounds good what you are going to say to them , however I would advise you to maybe change one bit .

Instead of saying to the OW " I expect ex to give you my number " , I would instead put her on the spot with a pen and paper or your phone handy and ask HER directly what her phone number is and make her give it to you there and then .

That way you can call/ text either of them when you want to check how your children are .

Good luck !

ChasedByBees Sun 27-Jan-13 08:52:30

That sounds really sensible and a lovely thing to do for your children's happiness. Hope it goes as well as possible.

BerylStreep Sun 27-Jan-13 08:56:26

I tend to agree with Trib - I wouldn't say anything to her directly other than 'hello'.

I'm a bit hmm about them house hunting near you. What happened when you said you weren't going to do all the drop offs & pick ups?

TBH it sounds like he still has you in his sights, and is trying to punish you, in which case you need to try your best to seem unaffected and disinterested.

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 09:00:10

I might end up only saying hello. But I tend to think that if I don't say this the first time, it will never get said. So its better to get on with it.

In all probability she's not as much of a shit as him - she's been sucked in by the mr wonderful and charming act that most abusive men have at first.

Shit doorbell...

Themobstersknife Sun 27-Jan-13 09:03:23

Hope it has gone well.

BearPear Sun 27-Jan-13 09:10:11

You sound so brave and dignified choco, I hope it wasn't too painful for you.

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 09:14:22

fuck. Not quite as I planned, but there you go. I did the dignified bit and then she butted in telling me how tricky it is for her and that she can't be expected to know what to say.

To which I added -

"you have absolutely NO IDEA what this is like for me, and to be honest, if you were going to say anything at all I would have thought that an apology right now would have been more appropriate.

"I'm sure that you WILL have the opportunity in the future to know what this feels like, and frankly I'm looking forward to when you do. Men like him, don't change."

Bollocks. Not so restrained.

I do have her number now and she has mine for emergencies. I just need to ignore it now completely and draw a line...

Fucks sake.

AntoinetteCosway Sun 27-Jan-13 09:16:34

Hope you're ok OP. For what it's worth, my mother and step mother have never had a conversation and it's been 19 years since my step mum married my dad. This has made family weddings, christenings etc a nightmare! So I think you're being incredible.

AntoinetteCosway Sun 27-Jan-13 09:18:13

Cross posted. I think you did the right thing-you were gracious, she was an idiot and you told her so. Well done! Now go and have a cup of tea and try and be calm-you've just done something incredibly difficult.

MusicForTheMasses Sun 27-Jan-13 09:18:37

I think you have STILL been dignified given the circumstances. You've told it her exactly how it is, and you know what? I bet it's nothing she hasn't thought in her own mind!

People told me I was dignified, but I had my moments, like sending one of the OW's slutty emails back to her with the words "Classy, I can see why he abandoned his family for you" - so don't think you are alone. I think you are allowed the odd slip of your halo hun.

grin....and that was bloody spot-on! xxx

This thread is not accepting new messages.