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tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

(1000 Posts)
chocoreturns Sat 26-Jan-13 22:44:42

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all sad

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll sad

LineRunner Sun 27-Jan-13 01:14:18

Are you ok?

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 01:20:14

not really sad feel a bit weepy and upset. I know I can't change anything about this shit situation. Everything I've done to try and make the best of it has been taken for granted up til now and I'm only meeting her because I'm so sick of being lied to, still.

When he moves here he wants to see them all weekend, overnight and in the week. It's not going to happen because he's a useless shit, but it still feels awful. I have never felt so helpless in my life. There's nothing I can do to change the fact I am treated with utter disrespect by my childrens father and that just wears me down.

LineRunner Sun 27-Jan-13 01:27:26

I've been through it and I know it wears you down to be the grown-up all the time.

I wish I had had MN when I was going through it. There are such marvellous people here to turn to.

You may need to just hand over to your ExH, for a while. That's not unreasonable, you know. The children's relationship is with him. He's the one who needs to tell you if there is a problem.

My ExH's OW was gone within 2 years.

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 01:36:38

But he just lies - about where they are, what they do, who they are with sad I would NEVER have imagined handing my baby over to someone I didn't trust one iota before this happened. Now, regular as clockwork, I have to do that very thing. Send them off god knows where doing god knows what. He doesn't contact us at all 12 days out of 14, so any notion he is an 'equal' parent is nonsense - he's a stranger who sees our baby 8 hours a fortnight, and for me, those hours are a black hole. I don't trust him and he does nothing to rebuild my trust at all.

I am sure that OW won't last forever, but it kills me in the meantime he prioritises her relationship with our baby over his own.

thank you for replying, I'm sorry I'm all over the place tonight

nametakenagain Sun 27-Jan-13 01:44:16

As a mum and a stepmum, I have some idea of what you're going through from a bit of a different view. I have not had to hand over my kids but I went out of my way to be accessible to my DPs XW cos I was looking after her children every other weekend and in her shoes I would want to know me. I would have appreciated her taking the position you propose. I wasnt involved in the split incidentally.

LineRunner Sun 27-Jan-13 01:45:41

I do absolutely get what you're saying.

And I can promise you that this phase will not last, and it will become better for you.

Ready for bed and some kip? smile It will get better. See you here tomorrow?

chocoreturns Sun 27-Jan-13 01:49:02

I'll be back tomorrow, for sure. Baby no doubt will need a feed in a bit anyway so I know I should try and get my head down.

(doesn't help that the rain is lashing the skylight as if the sky is falling in tonight, bloody noisy!)

LineRunner Sun 27-Jan-13 01:50:18

Me too with the rain! Take care and sleep tight. x

tumbletumble Sun 27-Jan-13 01:56:28

Hi Choco, I remember your thread. You have been amazing throughout. I'm up late tonight, so available for a bit of hand holding. Hope it goes OK tomorrow.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 27-Jan-13 01:59:11

I get what you are saying and while I know your situation is slightly different to mine, it is horrible handing them over . My XH has his best mates wife over every weekend that DD is there and they play happy families together.

Also, I can't even trust him to feed her properly and have to request every time she goes there that he baths her because if I don't ask, he doesn't do it! These things should be common sense surely!

And XH spends his time with DD texting OW so not taking any notice of DD. Also he can't even be bothered to ring DD once a week yet makes arrangements to see OW repeatedly...

If its upsetting you this much, then maybe you are not ready yet to do what you suggested?

The only way I would want to greet OW in your position would be with a sledgehammer... But you are a bigger person than me.

All these things prove where the priorities lie and sadly it's not with their children.

Will be thinking of you, but only do what you are comfortable with.

saffronwblue Sun 27-Jan-13 02:07:14

Thinking of you choco. You are so brave and strong and this is a horrible situation - I know you will manage it fine. She is a contemptible bitch ( and this is not a word I ever use about other women) but you will feel better the more dignity and class that you show them. The main thing is the safety and security of your DC and you show that front and centre.
Maybe don't say the bit about never being friends because things could escalate from there - just stay calm and cool.
Hope you are now in a deep sleep. xx

DoingItForMyself Sun 27-Jan-13 02:11:10


Not sure you need my advice as I know you'll do the mature and sensible thing, you always do. And you know twunt will twist it or ignore it, he always does!

It must be heart-breaking to have to accept this situation, but you have the wisdom to know you can't fight it, all you can do is try not to give him any more ammunition. I second the person who said don't say"we'll never be friends" as that acknowledges her seedy part in your marriage breakdown and gives her credibility.

I would say that you know your precious DSs are spending time with her and (especially given how young they are) you need to know that they are in responsible hands - especially swimming, OMG I barely trust myself swimming with 2 toddlers let alone a total stranger!

But my hand is here for you to hold and I want you to imagine us all stood behind you with our pompoms while you're speaking to her - you have the weight of the MN crew behind you. She has him.

Midwife99 Sun 27-Jan-13 04:14:55

Absolutely I second doing it - we are all here behind you in the morning (rain woke me up too!). What time are they coming? This must be so hard - as ever you are putting your children's needs first & giving them that reassurance & confidence that it's ok to go, with your smile & grace (with gritted teeth no doubt) You are the grown up, you are the mother, they are pond life. Your boys are so lucky to have a mother like you. thanks

mathanxiety Sun 27-Jan-13 04:36:51

I am thinking of you, you brave and decent soul. I would have been very inclined to greet the OW in your life with the business end of a fillet knife

My DCs are older than yours are but almost the whole life of my youngest DD has been dominated by the fallout from exH's attempts to make up the rules he wants us all to live by or pretend the rules everyone else abides by don't apply to him. It is indeed gut wrenching to see the DCs' lives affected by that but my hope is that karma will one day kick in where it hurts .

Do the best with your twelve days. Be yourself, and live the best life you possibly can. Your children will always know who is their mother. With any luck, your exH will run through this OW and will be on to the next and may even lose interest in the children. Though this may sound bad it is often actually a blessing in disguise.

CheerfulYank Sun 27-Jan-13 05:01:58

Oh honey. sad

I'm not familiar with your story but I think you are extraordinarily brave. I think it's a good idea. Then, like you said, at least you can hold on to the knowledge that you behaved graciously, no matter how others have done.

Best of luck!

Worley Sun 27-Jan-13 05:07:53

chocoreturns - I am laying here awake worrying as I'm in almost same position. this is the first night exdp has taken our children to his new apartment with his new gf. I feel sick. he hasn't even told the dc yet he has a gf (although he has announced his new relationship status for all to see in fb) although she wasnt an ow.. he has lied about her. he never told us he had a gf and as he worked with her he had introduced her as a work colleague.. only a few months ago we were talking about getting back together and him moving closer again (he lives 40 miles away) and then suddenly he's moving in with her and they have been an item for months...
she doesn't know he's been cheating (I feel used as I didn't know about her - or I wouldn't have been considering trying again)
anyway... I wouldn't be staying as calm as you and have already had some spiteful slanging matches tonight as it is...
she may feel my rath tomorrow if I havnt calmed down by then.. even though it's not her fault I think she should know what he's done again.

blackcurrants Sun 27-Jan-13 05:46:55

just,checking in from a nightfeed to hold your hand through this final stretch. I think you have to treat them like a hostile interrogating barrister who is ready and eager to misconstrue , therefore say as little as you. can to get your. point across.

it fucking sucks that you are the one being the bigger person here , but you are right that your sons(and you!) deserve it. They never will but sometimes people are collateral beneficiaries of good things. better that your love for your DS s overflows to the benefit of these turds than your contempt for these turds should ever touch and harm your DS s lives .
wishing you love and luck. x

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt Sun 27-Jan-13 06:52:01

My DC's are older so somewhat different but I kind of have similar feelings to you. Distance has meant that I have not met OW but in my case I have often felt that she is more sensible than XH who is useless and would like to see her/speak with her. OK she did conduct a long affair with XH at a time when one of the DC's was v ill but I have kind of got over that.

I think it's brilliant to be gracious if you can do that. As people have said it may well be misinterpreted. In my case I am clearly labeled as the bunkers XW so it certainly would be misinterpreted.

If you can do what you say that's great. An alternative might be to be polite and gracious and say little this time and see how it goes. Your graciousness will speak volumes in any case. I don't fully know the back story but if there is any history of drama and XH being volatile I might stay quiet on the first occasion.

Will be thinking of you today.

Lueji Sun 27-Jan-13 07:18:33

You don't have to meet her and you don't have to hand out your baby to her.

You hand your DC to your ex, who is responsible for what happens to them.
He has your number.
All you have to do is tell him that he can give her your number and she should call you should something happen to the children.

But, what if he left the children in care of a child care facility, a nanny, or whatever? They'd contact him first, and then he'd contact you.

You can acknowledge that she has been there and tell him to stop lying, but you don't have to expose yourself to her.
And he is responsible for the people he introduces in his children's lives.

struwelpeter Sun 27-Jan-13 07:36:34

Keep your powder dry. I like the idea of the diplomacy quote, don't say anything they can latch onto. You need to channel icy cool with a clear sense of disdain. Is there something you can half fix on behind them. Act disinterested, say hello and then do the sorting out of the DCs with the ex.
You may have to see her again, or perhaps it will go tits up when he brings another one into their home for a shag.

And have huge cushion to beat into a senseless pulp afterwards, scream shout, and have a treat lined up for afterwards or something to take your mind off them.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 27-Jan-13 07:44:28

Agree that it's ex you hand over to - not OW.

I get what you're trying to get across to her (that the DC are your priority) but bypassing unreliable ex is sadly not the way to do it.

'Taking her to one side' for a quiet word may alarm her and she is unlikely to listen to whatever you say and both will def misconstrue it. Just say to both that if there are any problems they can call you.

Good luck, these are for you thanks

tribpot Sun 27-Jan-13 07:46:17

I find the fact they're moving to near where you are rather disturbing, choco - given the lack of anything remotely resembling actual parental responsibility having been demonstrated to date. You must feel hunted.

MusicForTheMasses Sun 27-Jan-13 07:52:08

Choco you've had tonnes of really good advice and I know that, you being you, dignity will be the order of the day. You've done the right thing calling an end to this latest lie and letting them know that you know. Either give your number directly to her, or as suggested, tell twunt to give it to her. Remain strong and then have your scream, shout and a little weep (that's little!) when they have buggered off. We will all be here for you.

You know I think this, as do many other people on MN, but you are an absolutely amazing woman with a strength and dignity beyond many of us. Try and find just a little bit more of that today, then come back on here and call him all the names under the sun.

If it makes you feel the slightest bit better I bet you she won't have slept either, thinking about meeting you, as you will always be the entity she is comparing herself to (if only subconciously) and Mummy to two wonderful handsome boys. xxxx

PS You have to feel a bit sorry for her, she's got to deal with Twunt 7 days a week, you've got rid of the creep! That's punishment enough lol ;-) xxxx

CuttedUpPear Sun 27-Jan-13 07:57:54

I feel for you choco. I can't imagine having to hand over my 7 month old child, I'm not surprised it is killing you.

What time are you going to be there? I would like to give you extra strong good thoughts at that time.

BouncyPenguin Sun 27-Jan-13 08:00:14

Well done OP. You are doing the right thing. It will have a knock on effect. Once you X sees that you are 'OK' with OW he won't feel the need to lie as much. Be direct with OW about the fact that handing over baby to someone you don't know is difficult and that you just need to be in the know on how the kids are and where they are daily. Ask her to see it from your perspective. My DSis did this for the sake of her DS and her own sanity. But she kept on at her X until he text or called every evening that he has DS and said she had to know where he was (ie which part of the country).

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