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Is this emotional abuse? Please advise.

(52 Posts)
lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 19:24:46

DH if often prone to sudden outbursts that come from nowhere and then he acts as if nothing has happened. Today driving home the conversation goes as follows.

Him: I am going to stop and get some mushrooms.
Me: Oh I bought some yesterday so no need
Him: fgs I just want to go into shop for vegetables
Me: erm ok

He comes out empty handed and I say 'what did you need to get'

Him: Fgs I just wanted to get a fizzy drink
Me_ Oh well why didnt you just be honest in the first place. ? Why mention mushrooms.
Him: fine I will be honest ..I don't always like you when you are being like this...

WTF. This was all said infront of ds who got upset. It happened just after dh beeped at another driver for getting too close...

I normally leave it but today told him he was being increduble hurtful.

His response was that I am a shit wife, treat him badly and never stick up for him.

I am pretty placid, he often kicks off over nothing. I am pretty sure am a good wife also. The blaime is also shifted on to me and I find these incidents pretty upsetting. Any one shed any light? I get regular I love you text etc so don't think the love has gone on his part.

Is this part of normal life, am I overreacting. help!!!

UnlikelyAmazonian Sat 26-Jan-13 21:34:24

All said in front of your young son? How old is your ds?

Your H is a shocking man - his sort make me livid.

If you are such a shit wife he should stand by his words and leave you alone

Fight for custody for his boy. Let all and sundry know that you are a shit wife and presumably a shit mother?

But ha ha ha they never do this. They just stay around being terrorising miserable gits four times a year.

In between you wash his skiddy pants and cook for him. And question yourself.

You are doing your little boy no favours sticking with this arsewipe.

Tell him you agree you are a shit wife and it's about time he found himself a decent one. Present him with the divorce petition and request that he leaves.

And also, he can feck off. He is a knob.

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 21:38:24

Sorry for the 20 questions.

I'm trying to figure out whether he's a nasty bully, who only needs to have a go at you every few months to keep you in line, or an all right person who's showing signs of a growing health problem.

It can be quite difficult to work this out by yourself - or even with your close friends - because you can get used to bad behaviour. When you're always walking uphill, so to speak, you only notice how hard it is on the steep inclines. But it still makes you tired.

As a matter of interest, what do your friends think of him? Do they give him nicknames, like 'grumpy' or anything, or joke with you that he's hard work?

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 21:40:08

Cross-posted, lupo. God he's an arse! Poor you!

What UA said.

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 21:41:28

He's ground you down, hasn't he sad

Fight. You deserve a much nicer life, and so does your son.

UnlikelyAmazonian Sat 26-Jan-13 21:41:39

Oh, and now that I have seen your last post I see he just as i expected - an entitled fucker who likes the outside image he portrays of being well off, great provider, his son in prep, all Mr Nice on the outside.

But the fact is, these entitled spoilt nonces hate spending 'their' money on their wives and children. They resent that they can't spend it all on themselves. Every last penny. They hate that they have to conceal their shitness by conforming to the lovely norm that being human is - ie being an adult and giving rather thank taking from your wife, son and the human race in general.

I expect his mother prefers his brother because he is preferable ?

I do wish your husband would fuck off go and find the great wife he thinks he deserves.

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:42:41

yes he stormed out my parents house last week because my dad dared to disagree with him about something and apparently I did not stick up for him...

Ok, well atleast mumsnet has shown me what I was questioning - that this is not down to me

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 21:45:04

NO, IT'S NOT YOU. It's him.

Divorce the fucker, seriously. You can't go on like this for another 15 years and it won't do DS any good either.

I bet your dad will back you.

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:46:18

You have all helped me feel better, a couple of hours ago I was actually wondering whether I am a bit of a shit wife, thanks for taking the time. I will continue to stand my ground and pull him up on his behaviour and will see what happens from there x

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 21:51:15

Good for you smile

A word of warning - whining, entitled bullies tend to get worse when their target stands up to them. He might notice something's up and start building defences. From the picture you've painted, these defences are likely to involve keeping money away from his expensive family subordinates. For your own peace of mind and future protection, please start keeping up-to-date copies of ALL his/your financial holdings, including pensions & insurances, etc, and keep an eye open for mystery bank accounts. Does he withhold access to the family money?

lupo Sat 26-Jan-13 21:55:28

garlic, you are very insightful - yes to the holding back money thing also. Quite scary that he seems to conform to a type so well. Do you work in this area or is it personal experience for you? (sorry, don't answer if I am being to nosey). Very interesting from an academic point of view I am thinking I am imagining it all

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 22:00:55

Combination of experience (repeated) and self-study. I finally worked out I had to understand this crap if I wanted to avoid another gig as Prime Target!

This board is a fantastic resource; one of the best. Do have a read of some of the books & websites recommended. There's a good list on the OP of the Emotional Abuse threads. Knowledge is power smile

porridgeLover Sat 26-Jan-13 22:05:23

I think garlic is pointing out the 'script' that this type of man conforms to.
As she says, things may get worse as you see through him and he may sense a shift in the balance of power.
It's all about power.
He wants all of it in your relationship, you exist to bolster his image.

Be very careful if you are thinking of ending this.... start now with copying financial information, ferreting out the finances that he probably may have hidden from you.

But dont question yourself...although once you have seen the light it is hard to go back to the dark.....

UnlikelyAmazonian Sat 26-Jan-13 22:49:29

So true porridge - once you have seen the light you can never go back to the dark.

Op, there is no harm in starting to understand, and have an equal hand in, your family finances.

This is fair and right. No matter what stage your marriage is at. This is so important.

We are not little women anymore who allow our menfolk to look after the finances and our futures.

We know how to do all the important things - like bleed once a month but still go out and smile; and how to breastfeed. (even if only for five minutes)

We also have to know other stuff to keep the oxygen-thiefs at bay:

How to change tyres, fill them with air (26 for front and back is ok) at the petrol station, switch the water off (stopcock), take the bins out with one hand, also the garden wheely bin, work a power drill, know what drill bits to use, use a palm sander and drink a Tom Collins at the same time, change endless batteries and have those batteries at hand, light fireworks safely, drink a yard of ale, cook really well healthily and quite cheaply, but also know how to cook mussels. Go on at least ONE holiday totally on your own and as many girls-holidays as you can manage, ..I digress:

Make sure you know what the finances are in your household. Set up a current account in your name only,

Make sure child benefit is paid into your sole account.

I only say this as I don't think you're H is going to be a goodun long-term OP. I hope I am wrong and I might well be. But forewarned is forearmed. A bank account in your name only is incredibly useful to have no matter what is happening in life. A form of freedom.

garlicblocks Sat 26-Jan-13 22:57:26

use a palm sander and drink a Tom Collins at the same time

Must try this next week wink

A bank account in your name only is incredibly useful to have no matter what is happening in life.

Definitely! Every woman should have her own power drill and bank account. The second is the more important.

foolonthehill Sat 26-Jan-13 22:57:40

not ideal at all, I think he kicks off seldom because you mostly avoid provoking reactions and modify your behaviour to cope with his.

The bad news is that as time goes on it usually gets harder to predict what sets these people off and the unreasonableness gets harder to deal with.

Get information for yourself then watch him....see where his behaviour fits with the profile. I like Lundy bancroft "Why does he do that, inside the minds of angry and controlling men, on special offer here

there are some good online resources at the top of this thread as recommended above smilehi arth...

snowshapes Sat 26-Jan-13 23:13:56

I think UnlikelyAmazon is spot on with the description 'oxygen thief', but in reality, they steal your sanity. I agree with doing some reading and making sure that you have some money in your own name - and trying to detach and see what happens.

lupo Sun 03-Feb-13 14:22:27

Hi all

Just to update on a few things - I am quite financially savvy and organise accounts so should be ok there. I also work (3 jobs!) to cover ds school fees and am happy to do so -so it is not as though h has to pay for this.

Things have been tense all week, and this weekend he is very miserable, i feel tense and shaky by the atmosphere, ds not picked up on anything. Everyting is a big deal to him, weather is crap, internet provider are crap, just waiting for him to tell me I am crap tbh!

Tbh I am only hanging on in there for ds, to give him a 'family unit' but we will see. The strange things is I don't now why he is acting like this. He has been fine for the best part of two years, the last time he did this was work redundancies so wondering if its something similar. I am sick to death of being emotional punchbag, there is no excuse for it. He seems to hate everyone and everything and think that the whole world is against so fed up with the outbursts. I can't have an adult conversation about what is wrong as he will just say something hurtful like -'It us you that makes me miserable'.
I am so close to saying -'well piss off then.' I will try and detach and ignore for ds sake . Any helpful hints appreciated.. thanks

lupo Sun 03-Feb-13 14:38:35


thenightsky Sun 03-Feb-13 14:57:27

I'd go with the last line of your post.... 'well piss off then'.

It sounds like his 'outbursts' are already starting to become more frequent than 4 times a year sad

soulresolution Sun 03-Feb-13 15:06:13

You certainly shouldn't have to detach and ignore and certainly not for your ds sake. A 'family unit' can comprise all shapes and sizes and types and that includes one parent and one child. The key thing is to be a unit built on love and respect not tension, resentment, instability.

If there is something underlying his behaviour then I suppose he might be able to address it but that's not going to happen while he can take it out on you. Since you can manage financially I think your best option is to tell him to leave and sort himself out.

Herrena Sun 03-Feb-13 15:08:25

I think detaching and ignoring won't do your DS any favours. My family life was unhappy and my parents really should have split up. They stayed together because apparently a miserable 'intact' family unit is better than a 'dispersed' one hmm

Your DH sounds like he is being a twat to you in order to make himself feel better. I wonder what would happen if, every time he says something hurtful to you, you calmly reply 'It's a shame you feel that way' and don't respond emotionally. I bet he'd be fucking LIVID.

Do you really want to keep living with a nasty emotional bully like this?

LondonNinja Sun 03-Feb-13 15:21:46

Sorry you're going through this, OP. He does sound EA. Have you ever called him on his "I'm living such a shit life because of you," and tell him you're sorry he feels that way and it's no way for either of you to live, so perhaps it's time to call it a day as he's evidently miserable...?

lupo Sun 03-Feb-13 15:29:38

herrana I think I will try the 'Its a shame you feel that way ..' line and not respond emotionally. The only thing stopping me to calling it quits is that it would be heartbreaking for my sensitive gorgeous little boy

LondonNinja Sun 03-Feb-13 15:34:29

Can't help wondering what effect it will have on your lovely boy if he has to grow up thinking his father is right to treat his mother like crap... He will think EA is normal. Think very carefully about the lessons this man is teaching your DS.

lupo Sun 03-Feb-13 15:37:20

true, but how easy is it to walk? Sell the house, less money, devasted ds ...I guess there will come a point that even someone as patient as me will have to say enough is enough

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