DH and work colleague, am I overreacting ?

[Gulson]

Hi all,

Serial lurker but first time post so bear with me.

For a week or two I have had a sense that my DH has been up to something. His phone has been surgically attached to him and he has been taking phone calls from a female work colleague in private. It has been as though every time my back was turned he was Been on the phone, added to this i have heard him on two occasions talking to her late at night. this week i came down stairs and asked who had been on the phone to and he told me his male colleague and how he had texted DH saying stuff about work so he called him. On Friday after another secret call I asked him what was going on. To cut a long story short, it wasn't his male colleague but the female one he had been sPeaking to and had phoned her. I asked to look at his phone and there are at least 4 calls a day to this woman. There are texts which look innocent enough but he has put kisses on them, which strikes me as weird because he's not that kind of person to send kisses to someone. He says he put kisses all the time to people at work but when i asked for proof he couldn't. he says the calls are because she has some problems at the minute that he is helping her through. He practically wrestled me to the floor when I got hold of his phone a second time !! He has lied and I don't know what to think !! Am I overreacting ? Is speaking to another woman late at night when I'm asleep appropriate ? Is it weird he speaks to her so much ( sometimes in front of me about work stuff)? Opinions please x

[Peggotty]

No you are absolutely not overreacting! He is being secretive and dishonest! At the very least he is sniffing around her, at worst they are up to something together. Sorry.

[AllThatGlistens]

Oh dear that doesn't sound good If there was nothing to hide why would he have been so reluctant to show you his phone?

I know there'll be other posters along soon to give you advice but I would absolutely be questioning his motives, he's already lied to you re. the phone calls.

So sorry you're going through this.

[tribpot]

Well the kisses on texts thing is a weird one. I only do this with family and close friends, unless the person I am texting is a 'serial text-kisser' and then I might put one because they did - but never a work colleague, even the one guy I know who actually puts kisses in work emails. To all colleagues, male and female! Anyway, I digress. So that part on its own might not be too suspicious but coupled with the rest of the behaviour it is pretty obvious he has something to hide.

Again, it's not the speaking to her late at night that's particularly out of order, it's the fact that it's in secret. I chat to some of my friends (male) last thing at night if I'm on the laptop but it is never anything that my DH wouldn't be able to see (he'd be bored to death by work gossip and chat about a project we're doing, but he would be welcome to look at it).

If the chat is about some 'problems' she's been having, there would no reason for you not to see the texts. Again, similarly I am chatting on and off with a (male) friend who is having marriage problems - my DH knows about it. Could read the convo if he wanted to. My friend's wife knows I am talking to him as well.

As a friend of mine says, 'it's not the crime, it's the cover-up'. None of what he is doing is particularly suspicious in its own right, but his behaviour around it is definitely not right.

[Charbon]

I can assure you that if his colleague was a man or a woman he wasn't attracted to, he would not be helping this person with their 'problems'.

Not an over-reaction. He has lied and there's a reason for that - and it's not that you'd be irrationally jealous or that you'd 'get the wrong idea'.

It's because you'd realise that this is a budding or existing affair and that you'd reached entirely the right conclusions.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

We say on here always trust your instincts. These are telling you something is very dodgy.

I would confront him and say that his behaviour - wrestling you to the ground, lack of transparency and the lies are enough for you to believe something is going on.

This links you to one of the best books around on infidelity:

www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

[newbiefrugalgal]

yes - not appropriate.
Make a tough stand now and tell him it's not on - don't play second fiddle to anyone. Tell him to make a decision - if he wants this relationship with you the hiding ends and if not - pack his bags and go.

[Gulson]

So it's not me just then ! He insists they are just friends and nothing has happened and he says he doesn't find her attractive. Says he loves me. Re: The late night call this week. He was so convincing when he said it was his male colleague and it was only when I confronted him that he said it was the woman and that she had texted him. By this point I'd seen his phone and there was no such text. He then admitted he called her. He says he didn't tell me because he thought I would think it was weird. Am bloody furious, because i looked at his today and he had tried to call her when i was out but it said call fail (as if u ring the number and ring off). Of
Course he doesn't know how that happened, must have been a mistake he reckons ! I've got no concrete evidence though, it's only faced with this does he seem to come clean. I've told him not to call or speak to her outside of work, I feel controlling saying that but I can't think of what else to do. Sorry for the rant !!!

[wiseoldowl]

Agree with Newbie - not acceptable

why the secrecy....if its about her problems he could have the conversations in front of you if necessary.

Trust your instincts...and protect yourself now. We may be cynical but the script could be rearing its head again.

[Charbon]

You see, even before you'd posted his excuse for lying, we knew what it would be. That 'you'd think it was weird' is the same as 'you'd get the wrong idea'.

Time for a chat about how work friendships so often turn into affairs and that if the positions were reversed and you were lying about calls to another man, he'd reach the same conclusions as you. Please don't let him make you think you are being unreasonable, paranoid or jealous. You are not.

[Gulson]

Thank you !
I asked what he'd think if the boot was on the other foot and he said he'd trust me !!!!!! Even though I'd lied !!! Unlikely story.

[HecateWhoopass]

Yeah. He's lying to you.

[Charbon]

Well that's just nonsense and you know it.

Banning him from contacting her doesn't remove his desire to. Much better to have a proper discussion about blurred friendship boundaries and how this can happen in the best and strongest of marriages. The book that a kind poster has hyperlinked is excellent for explaining this. Do download it and read it if you have a Kindle. Better still, ask him to read it.

[DMCWelshCakes]

Sorry you're going through this.

[StripiestSocks]

Sorry, he's lying.

[VBisme]

Web if he does just think he's "helping her through some problems" that still doesn't mean that it's innocent.
In the long run these situations usually escalate, they both view him as a "knight in shining armour", which is very attractive.
He needs to understand and accept the threat this poses to your marriage and then stop it.

[newNN]

This exact thing happened to me - late, numerous texts, secrecy, lies. To this day he swears it wasn't an affair - that she had problems at work and he was helping her and that he hadn't told me because she didn't want anyone to know. To this day I don't entirely know for sure (he has subsequent form for lying). I wish with all my heart that I'd had MN back then, because I really didn't have anywhere to go.

I would be going through emails, computer history, skype etc. What he says may be true, but all this indicates, at best, a lack of appropriate boundaries and having his priorities in the wrong place.

If he's lying to you, then it means he knows that what he is doing is wrong!

[Gulson]

Thank you !
I asked what he'd think if the boot was on the other foot and he said he'd trust me !!!!!! Even though I'd lied !!! Unlikely story.

Some of the texts just have kisses. He says it was to tell her he was thinking of her and her situation. (He thinks I'm stupid obs)

He's lying. I can see that clearly now. Will download the book and have a read at least it will feel like I am doing something.

[StripiestSocks]

Erm, if a text only had a kiss, nothing else, I'd kick my DH out while we both had a think if we wanted to carry on. There is no possible explanation for that IMO.

Do you have kids? Can you afford to ask him to go to a hotel? I just wouldn't be able to carry on with a blatant liar.

I'm really sorry.

[izzyizin]

He's lied through his teeth - what more 'concrete evidence' do you want or need?

Either he's already had his leg over crossed the line with this ow, or it's in the offing.

As for saying he'd trust you if the positions were reversed, in the immortal words 'He would, wouldn't he?'.

You're right about him thinking you're stupid - don't prove it by taking anything he says on trust.

[myroomisatip]

Maybe you should try sitting at the opposite end of the sofa this evening, and start sending text messages, have the odd giggle to yourself and keep your phone close to your chest!!!! hhhmmmmm

[deleted203]

I think you have to insist that he stops this NOW if your relationship is going to continue. I would be saying to him, 'I don't give a shit what problems she is having. You are married and this is not your problem. She needs to find someone else to talk to about them. And she needs to not contact you when you are not at work. If the problems are not work related then it is fuck all to do with you and me and she is impinging on our time together'.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Hes a big fat liar, and its the normal script, "just friends" "Your being paranoid" its all standard, you need to confront this and decide whether you can trust him, i dont think you can.

[muddyboots]

Now that he knows you are onto him he will probably ALWAYS delete all calls and texts as soon as they are received or tell her not to call when you are in the house.

The innocent enough texts could be a secret way of getting in touch to see if it's 'safe' to ring or text further.

Do not trust him. Do not let him think you are the one who is over-reacting or being jealous. You are not. As wiseoldowl says look out for the script.

I am a cynical heartbroken old boot, but if I was you I would give him a stern warning to end it now and then pretend that I believed him and trusted him completely - whilst waiting for him to slip up.

Take care.

[AnyFucker]

Classic work affair script

[MidnightMasquerader]

To be fair to him, this is quite obviously the first time he's got involved in a dodgy situation, since he's extraordinarily crap at covering his arse - and at making something supposedly entirely innocent actually look entirely innocent...

As long as this continues, I'd be saying quite blankly that you do not believe him and that this is eroding all the trust in your relationship and that you're not happy. So if he continues, then he's quite obviously saying that those things don't matter to him. And then you have your answer.