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dh won't let me spend time with ds

(90 Posts)
Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 12:10:28

Have posted about dh before under different name but deleted as too much information on the net and could well be outed? I know this may be safer in chat but want the relationship wise advice.
Dh is a domineering personality with slight bullying tendencies but very strong on having his own way with no insight to what he does.
I work long hours and weekend shifts and cannot change this as it is part of my training and compulsory. I don't like it but have asked to alter and told not possible.
When I am home 3 sats out of 4 I like to spend time with ds say half the weekend. But now my dh is always there he just can't and won't back off at all, dominating all the weekend time and hardly even letting me chat to ds about his week at school etc without him talking me down, butting in and over riding me. Dh is alone with ds all the times I am not there, I never get time alone with him as he is part of dads plan, dad is there or he actively chooses to go with dad instead of with me.
Our [ dh and I]relationship is just about ok enough to live in the same house, in that we are cordial most of the time and organise things between us, although there are periods when I have not been happy due to his attitude and wanted him to leave which he refused.
I appreciate I may not like coming second best in ds life when previously I was the one in charge of everything prior to going back to full time plus 3 yrs ago and this is in part inevitable, but dh should back me up to join in rather than continuously taking over when \i am home, and when I sort of tag along they are the main participants and I am a sort of hanger on while they make the decisions about what to do for the day.
Today they are out again I have been told I " can go if I want in my own car" but last week did this and they moved on to other plans and I just came back home again alone after the activity while they went for lunch etc. I fought hard to get to take ds swimming which was fantastic for a while but now dh has substituted another activity on saturdays and they agreed together today ds will not do swimming anymore { I organised the swimming and enjoy taking him]. Dh has organised tennis which is great but he is the one taking him.

This is making me sad and I have no power and is wrong on every level yet I feel powerless. Ds goes along with what dad says and I am worried about him missing me as well as the utter dysfunctionality of it all.
I am very sad about this.
I have been on brink of divorce the only thing holding me back is ds may choose to spend more time with dh and I would see even less of him, ds was distraught when I said to him parents sometimes did things differently and drifted apart and wanted to live separately... he was absolutely against this and if dh portrayed me as the instigator of the family split and ruining everything I may lose ds altogether.Ds said he " doesn't want to live with me on his own "
I am a great parent and he is doing ds and me a great disservice but I can't sort this out. Also I had years of bringing up dc and am sensible, dh is ok but he has very fixed ideas about things and does not always set a good example, so I don't want him to have excessive influence. Ds is 10.
Have mammoth posted so no drip feed.
Oh yes have obv spoken to dh he says I am being ridiculous

Please help.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 13:52:12

Ultimately, the problem here is not the time you spend with your DS. It's the attitude his father is passing on to him that you are either irrelevant, inconvenient or some pathetic creature to be mocked or insulted. That's the big wrong in this picture... not the time.... and that's the thing you should be fighting with all your might to correct or making plans to get yourself and DS out. Even if DS does spend all weekend doing stuff with Dad, a good father would be making sure he appreciated you for your work ethic and everything else good you bring to the family. Not bad-mouthing and marginalising you.

50shadesofmeh Sat 26-Jan-13 13:54:02

Sounds like he is emotionally abusing you and knows that controlling your son is a way to get to you,he's definitely a bully.

What would happen if you told him straight, " stop undermining me" and told him you are taking son somewhere on his own?

Sounds like he knows the relationship is on it's last legs and is using your son as a pawn in the game, he sounds very manipulative.

3littlefrogs Sat 26-Jan-13 13:54:10

"I am retraining as I want my financial independence."

I am sure this is exactly what your bullying, controlling husband doesn't want you to do/have. This is why he is behaving like this. He is trying to undermine you and destroy your confidence.

What a nasty man. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 13:54:39

"I think he is intentionally excluding me to get ds on side"

That is abusive behaviour. Deliberately poisoning a child against a parent. Look up 'parental alienation'.... it's a very serious problem indeed and that's why you need to act sooner rather than later.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 13:55:13

Yes thats it Cogito. I know that he will still do this after a split but I will at least have my voice and influence.

Before retraining I looked after ds full time at home all of pre school we were very close and I have done these hours three years.

Thumbwitch Sat 26-Jan-13 13:55:37

It kind of is child abuse because he is intentionally depriving your son of time with his mother, and trying to get your son to believe that his mother (you) is no use. That is abusive, IMO - deliberately ruining the relationship with the other parent. sad

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 14:00:30

Interesting responses.

This week was snow week here and I had an interesting situation.. dh left for work while ds was home and school was closed so I could not go into work until emergency plans were made, my childminder was snowed in. I have a life and death job I cannot just not go in .
I wonder if there is truth in 3littlefrogs post from that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 14:03:35

A man that would try to turn your own child against you is capable of anything.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 14:04:46

I will put ds above work obviously, as I did on that day I stayed home until arrangements in place but my point is on that particular occaision dh should have stayed home as he knew it would be a huge problem for me not to be in work.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 14:07:18

I have noticed that ds misses me when I work the weekend and that is why I obviously want to spend time with him when I can.

They are still not back.

springyhope Sat 26-Jan-13 14:13:36

God, this is so serious. He is stealing your boy, with no thought of the appalling emotional and pscyhological consequences for your boy.

Get in touch with WA at your earliest. This has gone on for too long - he's had him for 3 years. Please, as cogito says, FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE (and your ds's). Your h is a monster, very frightening.

Whatever it takes. Do whatever it takes. This is an urgent situation imo. Everything on hold until you get control of this.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 14:20:40

Does he want me to give up work? I went back to regain some of my power .

The hours is the thing. The job I am doing is as it stands, it does not exist in another form. To resign I have to give three months notice and would be professional suicide.
The job finishes in August.
The only alternative would be special dispensation of some sort? Compassionate leave?

bestsonever Sat 26-Jan-13 14:20:59

Could you arrange to do something with DS when your H is not lurking in the background? Children have a deep sense of what they see as fair or not, so appeal to that and say that "it is fair that this Saturday Mum gets to spend some time with you because I love and miss you".
If you H is a man of routines (as many authoritarians seem to be) you may have an idea of when he takes him out on a Saturday. Say nothing, get in earlier and leave with DS for the day. It sounds possible that your H has been saying negative things about you to your DS to turn him against you. Find a way to prove him wrong, have a great time together without your H. If he is as strict as you say, your DS will feel that he can relax more with you, so you have the upper hand there.
Be careful not to get into calling your H, that's stooping to his level, but you could give DS some insight by being honest about yourself and H not liking each other but both still loving him. If you are going to leave, he will find that out anyway so best to lay some seeds of understanding.

ImperialBlether Sat 26-Jan-13 14:22:06

I think this thread has shocked me more than any other.

Your husband is clearly feeling extremely threatened by your impending independence. He is punishing you via your son.

I wonder whether you ever speak to your son on your own and say something about those Saturdays. I can understand your husband wanting to go with you, I can understand your son wanting both of you there, but for your husband to make you go in a separate car etc is beyond shocking.

As Cogito says, this man is capable of anything.

Your son had a very close relationship with you before all this. He loved you from the minute he was born. Yes, he is being brainwashed now. You do have to act quickly to keep your place in his life. Your husband is clearly absolutely determined you shouldn't have that place.

I'm so, so sorry you're in this situation with this bastard.

HoratiaWinwood Sat 26-Jan-13 14:24:59

I'm sure he wants you not to work; that he is punishing you for working. That is no reason to stop though!

If the situation were reversed, and a SAHM restricted the WOHF's access to the DS instead of waving them off gleefully and heading for a long hot bath we would all be talking about a child's need for a relationship with both its parents.

So that is equally true here.

theyareallouttogetme Sat 26-Jan-13 14:49:30

Do not separate now if you can hang on in there. The family courts do not use a 50/50 starting point. Maintaining the status quo is more usual. A 10 yr olds wishes would be taken into account. You need to change what is going on before you leave him and it doesn't sound like you can do that until after August.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 15:01:54

My current training pathway does not come with reduced hours. To reduce them I will have to change path and I am not sure what will be open to me.

Like cogito said its not the time its the exclusion and attitude to me.

So if I reduce hours then have that period of time before the divorce?
I have to say I was equally undermined when I was a SAHM .

theyareallouttogetme Sat 26-Jan-13 15:23:49

What I am saying is don't expect the court to order a care arrangement that is very different to what is happening now. If your dh can demonstrate he is generally in charge then he will be in the future. Time should not be the main factor but the reality is that the parent who the child has their main home with will call the shots. That is why so many fathers seek shared residence, it is not so much the time but to stop their role being undermined.
Do not let your dh gaslight you. You have to be firm and say you are going to spend some time with ds. That debate cannot take place in front of ds.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 15:32:45

I am here most weekends though just not 1 out of 8 daytime and same night time. So six out of eight am here. Dg also works fulltime but in reality that is only 4 and a half days.
I have childminder / nanny for after school in my own home.
the hours aren't the issue but he is using them to get ds away from me. I am here all the rest of the time.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 15:33:51

If I have to give it up I will but then I won't have an income to support ds and get a pension.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 15:46:24

Don't let this man bully you into giving your job up or feeling that you are not being a good mother.

Domesticsloven Sat 26-Jan-13 15:52:03

I have been here ALL DAY and they have been out ALL DAY.
I now only have one daytime period at home in next 12 days.

Not back yet.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 15:57:26

Like I say.... it's not the time per se it's the attitude that's the problem. It's how you are treated, not the hours on the clock.

perfectstorm Sat 26-Jan-13 15:59:20

Courts are very big on the status quo with kids. Right now, your DH could argue primary carer status, I think. Who deals with the CM, drops off at the CM, etc etc? Because if at all possible, it needs to be you. You need to be the contact if there's a problem. At school, too.

Given your DH sounds a real arse with a massive sense of entitlement, have you tried telling him you worry he's taking on too much, that you aren't supporting him enough, that he needs some time to himself - encouraged him to go for a night with the boys while you babysit? You could even argue that you want to build a better income and more of a future for you both in later years and that's the aim of the training. Flatter the arse; no point trying to shift the relationship onto a healthier footing when he's a child abusing spouse-controller. That way, if you can just see more of your boy - and you make damn sure that the CM sees more of you than anyone else, and your name is on the payments if at all poss. - until August, then you can have an escape plan ready for that time. You'd need to have your ducks lined up in terms of way forward then, so I think you need to talk to WA about the best way to proceed.

This is an abusive relationship and your son is being alienated. If you were to leave and under the worst case scenario you got one midweek overnight and every other weekend plus half the holidays, you'd still end up with way more worthwhile time with your son. It would be an improvement. And if you box clever and get very good legal advice, you's hopefully end up with a 50/50 split, which would be best for your son, as well as you.

PissesGlitter Sat 26-Jan-13 16:02:01

In this situation i would just tell him to fuck off

Oh and leave the bastard
Take your son with you before he ends up like his dad (a bully)

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