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Is there any hope really?

(7 Posts)
gp8 Sat 26-Jan-13 10:33:32

Thankyou for your thoughts.
Flats- We ve had a conversation along the lines you,ve mentioned. He's saying he wants to stay and change. I know I'll have to be strong and focussed. Thankyou again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 09:22:22

"It's just that I find it difficult to imagine that he wants to live like this."

The kind of person who says 'this is me and I can't change' is happy living the way they are.... or at least not sufficiently unhappy living the way they do. Until, like the PP, you provide some serious consequence to him continuing to do nothing, he has no incentive to change. But you have to be prepared... once you've presented that consequence... to carry through if he continues to shrug his shoulders.

FWIW I think you'd find that, once you let this man go, you'd realise he is actually a horrible person. You don't want to believe it at the moment because you've invested so much faith and love.

FlatsInDagenham Sat 26-Jan-13 01:12:13

Does he know you are thinking of ending the marriage?

Yes he has got away with it for too long and therefore thinks he can be a 'bastard' as he puts it and not lose you.

I was in a similar situation 6 months ago (scarily similar actually) and one day I said to DH "I choose not to live with these problems in my life any more. Either you sort them or I take the children and leave." That's pretty much word for word. To my great (though tentative) joy he has addressed all his issues and both he and I are much happier than we were.

To answer your question, yes there could be hope, but not if he absolutely refuses to change. If you do make the threat as I did, make sure he knows you mean it. And if he doesn't change (with immediate effect - don't put up with any procrastination) then you must dollow through and leave and never look back.

gp8 Sat 26-Jan-13 00:57:15

I know I should nt and can't sort out his problems.
You re right many a time I ve told him to get over his stupid self. He seems unable to face up to things and I know I ve allowed it to continue too long. I've babied him like one of the children and then complained when he acts like a child. Classic.
Ohh and thanks Kathy for your observations.

Kathy420 Sat 26-Jan-13 00:47:14

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dequoisagitil Sat 26-Jan-13 00:46:31

You have to look after yourself, sweetheart.

Tell him you can't go on as you are.

He doesn't need to be a horrible person, for him to be not the person you need in your life.


If he loves you and wants to be with you, HE needs to make that happen.

You cannot do it for him.

He's probably not a bastard.

But unless he gets over his stupid self, he's no man for you either. You deserve better than someone who thinks he earns you by fallinng off a cliff. A cliff is easy, try kids! He needs to want what you want.

gp8 Sat 26-Jan-13 00:38:02

Long story, so try to be brief.
Married a long time, one child with him. I,ve always loved him despite all the problems. He has low self esteem. He is bright but doesn't use his intelligence.
He always takes the path of least resistance. He has problems communicating in general esp about emotions. He has a drink problem,[which he does nt consider a problem.] He has always had a very low sex drive, but of course can't talk about it. He sticks his head in the sand instead of facing problems. He is emotionally immature........this all sounds totally crap I know.....but but he really isnt a horrible person at all. What the hell am I going to do?
I know it sounds pathetic but I have tried soooo hard for so long.
I know you can't change anyone. It's just that I find it difficult to imagine that he wants to live like this.
He knows the pain he s caused over the years and says ' I know I'm a bastard, and everythings my fault but this is how I am and I can,t change.'

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