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I am absolutely and utterly arse achingly lonely

(66 Posts)
queencat Fri 25-Jan-13 23:10:42

That's it in a nutshell.

I've been by myself with three children for three years now. I feel utterly incapable of happiness. I don't know how to feel normal and despite being by myself I still can't quite get my head around the whole situation.

My ex has a whole new life and girlfriend, social life etc and I am just here and so so lonely and sad.

I need a kick or something but I don't know whet up do first.

Please help.

chucksaway Sat 26-Jan-13 21:16:47

OP you are doing a brilliant job, listen nobody is perfect and everyone has their bad days keep thinking positive thoughts and keep coming to this site for support. We are all mothers here and all have hellish days with our kids but we love them and would do anything for them. Please dont be so down on yourself we can only do our best! Hugs and nice glass of wine to ensure you have good nights rest

mrslaughan Sat 26-Jan-13 21:09:16

Do you have ant SEN support groups in your area? I know there is a ASD support group near us and they do get together involving the kids and I think also without kids. Then you would have understanding companions.
My DS has a SEN, fairly well managed now, but I have been there and understand how awful it is to feel the judgement from parents who don't know or understand the full story.
I hope you can find a support group close by.

TheFogsGettingThicker Sat 26-Jan-13 21:00:54

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're nowhere near me or I'd take you for a coffee and chat/support.

You are doing so so much better than I ever could in very difficult circumstances. I don't blame you for any of it and truly think you're amazing.

Take care and I hope things work out for you soon x

jjgirl Sat 26-Jan-13 19:44:07

I think you should get a blood test to see if you are anemic or have a thyroid problem, could be lacking in vitamin b or d possibly. I am on my own with one small child with ASD and thought I was not coping until my GP did some tests. I am doing sooooo much better now it's mostly sorted

achillea Sat 26-Jan-13 19:23:34

Your Christmas sounds like a nightmare and your parents are doing the classic 'blame the mother' thing. Mine did the same, I was spoiling them, ignoring them, whatever. It took a long time before they realised that a child with SEN has different needs and that it takes a while, even for the mother, to learn how to meet those needs.

achillea Sat 26-Jan-13 19:20:34

It is quite possible that they are calmer with Dad because he is less exhausted than you. You mention that you snap at them, that's a symptom of being tired and not coping - that's not your fault, it just means you need a break. Let yourself snap but say sorry, keep communication open and DO use Dad to give you a break. He does seem to care because he is trying to tell you how to do things 'properly' and although it is arrogant and unhelpful it means he hasn't walked away quite yet.

Would it help you or hinder you if he did more of the childcare?

nightcat Sat 26-Jan-13 16:40:31

OP, I pm'd you.

Hissy Sat 26-Jan-13 10:00:48

Your DD behaves for him, because she is scared of him.

Plain and simple. She's more relaxed with you. It's kind of a good thing, although I bet it feels far from that mostly.

Ignore your ex. Do what's best for your child. You can do this.

queencat Sat 26-Jan-13 09:06:26

I don't mean to be stealth but don't want to give away too much personal info. I paid to go privately so he says I have basically paid to get a diagnosis. I was completely transparent with consultant and have said that she behaves for him but not me.

ThereGoesTheYear Sat 26-Jan-13 09:01:26

Does your ex think anyone can get a diagnosis for any old child just like that? So he knows better than you her primary cater and the medical professionals who diagnosed her? What a twat! I'd love to see him in court saying that and justifying why your DD has been denied treatment for a medical condition.

You sound exhausted. But you have to stand up to your ex about this issue for the good of your whole family. It makes me wonder how else he's still bringing you down.

Have you been on the SN board here?

Yika Sat 26-Jan-13 08:49:49

Hi again! Glad you had a good sleep.

You are not a whinger, and not a failure. You are not in an easy situation. Do you ever get a totally child free weekend? Could family take your oldest sometimes?

I second the suggestion of physical exercise. Could you also do some physical activities with your children? Put on some music and have a good dance round the living room? Go out for a walk and have a race with them? Play fight? Take them swimming or or cycling? Help them build a den? I say these things not as any kind of fix for your situation as it obviously doesn't address the loneliness or the deeper problems you face around your daughter and your ex, but it seems to me that you could do with an injection of fun in your family life, even if only for 10 minutes a day.

Also, give yourself permission to feel the way you do - ignore your family's bracing talk - if you need a good cry, let yourself - and then tell yourself something supportive or soothing as if talking to a friend. Be a friend to yourself. Don't use the fact that you're struggling as a stick to beat yourself with.

Hissy Sat 26-Jan-13 08:21:37

Sweety, you really have so much on your plate. You do need to tell your Ex to FUCK OFF and let you handle your DC appropriately.

If the Dr thinks medication might work, it's worth a try. If you were taken to court, the Judge would see that you ARE doing the best for them and that to leave a condition/issue untreated is more neglectful than supposedly 'drugging' your DD. I know nothing about additional needs, but I believe that if something can be tried to help, then for the sake of the child and the family it has to be worth a shot.

SHe does sound as if she could do with any help to balance things out, and that is YOUR call.

Your twunt of an Ex lost some ability to run your lives when he walked out.

You really ARE doing so well, and life WILL get better. Detach from the Ex and take charge of your life. You have every right to live better, and I do think that it's totally within your reach.

queencat Sat 26-Jan-13 08:20:33

Hi ladies so sorry I didn't check back in I fell asleep I'm exhausted! I'm overwhelmed by the amazing support thank you so much,

In respect of my friends I've really come to realise that actually I haven't got that many real friends maybe just one or two! One of them lives a long distance from me now but I do call get and we talk and she is very supportive.

I am very mindful of boring people as it has been such a long time, my family can be a bit dismissive of the situation now.

For example at Christmas I went to my sisters and my youngest was very whingy all day. I was very mindful of it. We left early and I was home by 6pm. After I put the kids to bed I sat by myself and cried for a solid hour then just went to bed. When I spoke to my family I said I thought she was just a bit overwhelmed by it all, they just kept going on and on by how much she could whinge and I needed to stop treating her like a baby, this Is my dd without sn by the way.

My ex has two of the children every other weekend including dd.The eldest is from a previous relationship so stays with me. His father is not involved at all. That's another reason that I feel like a let down because I have 3 by 2 and am by myself.

I really am thankful for your advice and help, flump pls pm me i don't like to give away to many personal details but SW is easy for me.

TDada Sat 26-Jan-13 07:54:28

If there is a way to get to exercise class it is a good alternative (endorphin fix) to anti depressants... and the social contact obviously good for you.

ToomuchWaternotWine Sat 26-Jan-13 02:45:03

Well done on reaching out, at least on here. You are awesome, never forget that.

Your ex is talking bollocks and cannot possibly do anything like he claims. He wouldnt even get to court, im sure. It's him feeling guilty, or just dishing out abusive crap, ignore ignore ignore. Get as much professional help for your dd, and you, as you can. Keep fighting until you get what you deserve. Never ever think your kids are better without you, they need you and love you.

And for you, you mention family, will they help? Do they know you are finding it hard? Reach out. Tell us where you are if you can, maybe someone is nearby. Or just keep talking here.

Astelia Sat 26-Jan-13 02:39:09

OP it sounds hellish and you sound at the end of your tether. Are all three DCs at school? Would you be able to look for a different job that gets you out of the house?

It sounds like you need a break and some time to make a social life. When does DH look after the DCs?

Can you get respite care for DD? It should be available in your area.

VestaCurry Sat 26-Jan-13 02:13:23

Well you certainly are not a whinger!! You are coping with a lot of stress, most of it coming from your ex h with his clueless blaming and threatening behaviour. Do not let him make you doubt yourself. Do not, please. You have a diagnosis for your dd, you need to build on it in terms of what support you can get in place to help your dd, and therefore your other children, then of course you.
I know we're online, and can't support in person, but I wish we could.
What friends do you have? Any close ones you can ask to go out for a drink and a natter, while a family member babysits? Some regular getting out and socialising, just baby steps even, would be good I'd think.

Flumpyflumps Sat 26-Jan-13 02:08:45

Know it's late but wondered how the OP was doing after DD meltdown?
Are you OK?
So sorry to sound stalker ish but your OP really spoke to me iykwim?
Just want to support!

jent18 Sat 26-Jan-13 01:58:44

my 8 year old DD has ASD & ADHD and dyspraxia and severe dyslexia. She has acted feral and bitten/kicked/punched other children and adults. She is now on ritalin and better able to control herself and her temper. It is the best thing we could have done for her and this family. Don't listen to your EXH- he's an arse and doesn't know what he's talking about. Speak to the professionals about your daughter and see what they feel is best for her (and you).

With a special needs child other people often stare and make rude remarks - you are going to have to grow a thick skin and learn to ignore them. What's most important is that your DD and your other DCs are happy. And that in turn will put you in a better place and be able to start thinking about your own well being a bit more.

Flumpyflumps Sat 26-Jan-13 00:38:17

OP please check in when you can, I actually want to get in my car and come hug you in a v non MN style, I can't stop thinking about the enormous pressure you are under and the massive unfairness of the situation. What do you think you need to help your situation?

dequoisagitil Sat 26-Jan-13 00:37:30

I am sure you have had better advice than I could give. Just stay strong and know you did your best, that's all you can ever do.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sat 26-Jan-13 00:36:05

Lots of good advice so far.

Can you start playing a sport. Sorry,I know this is a very simplistic bit of advice but it can be such a beneficial activity. Badminton is a good sociable sport and there are usually groups to suit everyone even complete beginners. Our leisure centre has drop in sessions a few times a week. They have a coach running it so there is always someone to play against. .????

lilacmamacat Sat 26-Jan-13 00:27:06

If I knew where you lived I'd come round and hug you RIGHT NOW.

Sounds to me like a change of job might help too - working at home can be so isolating. Also can you move further away from the ex? If necessary, just enough to give yourself a bit more (mental) space iyswim.

Flumpyflumps Sat 26-Jan-13 00:15:58

Also OP where in the world are you? If SW London be glad to meet you, your OP has got me all concerned for you, you are so strong and don't seem to realise that you are.

achillea Sat 26-Jan-13 00:15:42

So you gave her abandonment issues because he left the family home. That'd be right.

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