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Joke of a marriage getting worse

(39 Posts)
Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 13:25:24

Im having a really shit time of it lately, I posted recently abt problems with dh (not sure how to link)
Things just seem to be getting worse we are constantly bickering and pissing each other off. The whole situations is depressing me and just don't want to get out of bed in a morning (although I do) and dread him coming home from work.
I went out last night friends bday first night out in 6 months. I got up this morning to get the kids ready and
he looked me up and down and said I was discusting and he really doesn't like me. He's such a twat my 2 eldest dc heard him. He left for work and dc2 started crying and said your not discusting mummy I love u , it broke my heart sad
My eldest said if someone was mean to me all the time I just wouldn't be there friend anymore and dc 2 said we should move house and not tell him wre we live shock
He really doesn't see how his horrible behaviour is affecting everyone and blames it all on me I'm sick to death of it all i feel I'm going round n round in circles, I'm so exhausted by it all and really don't know what to do. I tryed talking to my mum about how unhappy I am but she just said that we couldn't separate because of the Dcs

AbigailAdams Sun 27-Jan-13 23:15:14

It is a big decision, but not necessarily a difficult one. It will take energy and organisation that's for sure. But you and your children will be happier.

Ballyk Sun 27-Jan-13 23:08:50

He does love his kids he really does its me that's the problem he doesn't like me. It's been such a shit weekend

Ballyk Sun 27-Jan-13 23:07:04

I know I just feel like I want him to make the decision too leave, and I know he'll never do that. I said I don't want to stay living with him as we will end up hating each other his response was we'll end up hating each other anyway and he's not leaving his dc, god I'm so stuck sad its all so confusing and such a big decision too make

AbigailAdams Sun 27-Jan-13 23:06:52

No you don't have to put up with it. I think your dc2 had the right idea. If he won't leave, you leave. He doesn't get to dictate how and where you live your life.

He doesn't love his children btw. If he did he wouldn't speak to their mother like that, especially not in earshot.

And those who don't like the LTB line, well once your children are telling you to leave it is really beyond time to go.

FiercePanda Sun 27-Jan-13 22:46:36

No, you don't have to get on with it. He can't force you to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship. Doesn't your life, your needs, your feelings mean anything at all? How long will it be before he's suggesting he starts shagging around seeing someone else, but stay living at home? Do yourself and your DCs a favour and make plans to either get him out or get yourselves elsewhere.

LittleEdie Sun 27-Jan-13 22:42:20

You don't have to wait for him to agree with you or 'give you permission' to leave.

Ballyk Sun 27-Jan-13 22:33:13

So managed to sit down last night and explain to dh how I am feeling, told him I'm not happy, how I feel he drags me down, in lonely and he doesn't feel like my husband more like a house mate and also how the way he speaks to me is affecting the Dcs. He was gutted about what my eldest Dcs had said. But us sticking to the fact he doesn't like me and I am dragging him down but he will never leave. Loves the Dcs too much that he couldn't bare not living with them and seeing them everyday.
Wants to keep living together and try and get on. It looks like I'll have to just get on with it sad

nospace Fri 25-Jan-13 18:00:35

Accusing you of being up to something is just another opportunity for him to have another dig at you, he's like a dog with a bone, he's decided that's how he'll treat you with zero respect.

Jux Fri 25-Jan-13 17:58:08

Yes, Ballyk, it is serious enough to talk to WA, it is. This is nasty, psychological warfare and much worse in its way than being hit, as you have no bruises to show - and everyone knows a hit is wrong. Emotional abuse is very, very serious. It affects not just you but your children too, and they are far too precious to have to witness this.

Please do call WA. You need as much rl support as you can get, as he will twist everything until you don't know which way is up, your personality and self-determination is being chipped away bit by bit. If you think this is remotely acceptable you're already in trouble. And if it has you confused and upset, what do you think it is doing to your children?

Please. Just a chat. They never force anyone to do anything, but I really think you will benefit from a chat with them. If I'm wrong (fervently wishing I am, but sadly not believing it), you've lost nothing.

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 17:36:28

Of course you weren't out 'with friends' last night.

'Fess up. You were out with a man who put a smile on your face, who made you laugh, who made you want to dance with joy, who made you feel loved and cherished... because yesterday evening you checked into a hotel room, poured yourself a wine, stretched out on the bed, and dreamed of him and how you used to be, before waking up with a start and going home to the grim reality of how it is for you now.

But that's my imagination working overtime.

Where his accusation has come from may be found by examining his movements of late. Accusing you of being 'up to something' may be a deflection tactic designed to create sufficient smoke to hide what he's getting up to - or intends to get up to.

And that's not my imagination working overtime.

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 16:54:46

Sorry posted to soon
He's trying to turn it all round on me now which I knew he would, apparently I wasn't out with friends last night I was up to something though what that is and were it's come from I do not know??

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 16:53:03

Than you all for your advice and kind words
The lease is in joint names as ate bank accounts bills etc, I've set up a bank account in my name and am in the process of getting all my income paid into it.
I really don't think I'd be able to put my children through us separating but think that is the only option as I can't carry on being this miserable.
I don't think it's serious enough to contact womens aid but thank you for the advice he's not physically abusive just a miserable bastard
He's trying to turn it all round on me now which I knew he w

Jux Fri 25-Jan-13 15:00:04

Go for it, Ballyk! Ignore your mum. Would she say that if she knew what her gcs are saying? Anyway, her feelings are immaterial as she is not living with the abuser and you are, and you and your children are being hurt by him everyday.

Phone Women's Aid to talk it through, get a plan together, ask your friends to help, ask WA to help. Don't be scared, you'll be fine; but you do need to act now.

mrslaughan Fri 25-Jan-13 14:40:20

You are not a failure for your DC - but you need to set the example for them, no one should put up with this sort of abuse....take strength from that.

ladyWordy Fri 25-Jan-13 14:39:36

Yes, cogito is right... they mustn't feel responsible for any decisions you make. To phrase it more clearly: I hope you will listen to their discomfort.

We so often hear abused women say their partners are 'great dads', and through you, your children have told a very different story. It's striking, and sad, but hope it will give you the strength to seek help ballyk.

They are indeed bloody good kids, very aware and caring. You've done everything right from where I'm standing.

mrslaughan Fri 25-Jan-13 14:39:03

whose name is the lease in? Do you have a good relationship with your landlord? Surely you could (if you do have a good relationship with said LL) "renegotiate" lease into your name, change the locks, call the police and kick him out.
He is worse than an arsehole and as hard as doing this will be, you will be better of in the long run. He has no respect for you, you need to be cold and calculating and cut him out of your life.

Do you have any good friends in RL that you could inlist to help you through this - I know I would once a friend admitted this sort of abuse to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 14:36:03

How can you say you're a failure when your kids' first instinct is to stand up for their mum and want you to be safe and happy? Those are bloody good kids, they'll go a long way in life with that attitude, and I don't think they've learned that kind of care and compassion from their Dad quite honestly. If (when?) you break free I think your children will be your strength.

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 14:32:55

He won't leave he's made it quite clear before that if we are to separate he would not leave, house is rented

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 14:31:17

My dc are 10, 9, 4 and 2

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 14:21:40

How old are your DCs now? Any change is difficult for children and you'll have to be quite careful that, if you split, they don't take it that the reason you've done so is because they asked you to. But if you are up front with them and consistent then it really isn't messing them about. The atmosphere they and you are currently living in sounds far more damaging.

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 14:18:18

The thought of it is overwhelming and I feel like such a failure to my dcs

thegreylady Fri 25-Jan-13 14:16:33

It is time he left [not you].He is contributing nothing and hurting you and your dc.You do need him out I am afraid.

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 14:15:25

Thanks ladyworly I'll have to learn how to link !

Ballyk Fri 25-Jan-13 14:13:51

Thanks izzy may have to take you up on that offer smile
Cog - it is sad very sad
We split a few years ago for similar reasons (him treating) me like shit the eldest dc took it quite badly at the time we were deprecated for a couple of years , but stupidly thought we would be better off getting back together. I think this is why my mum thinks we should stay together she said its not fair to mess the children about, which is true but god I don't think I can put up with him much longer. I've discussed my issues with friends and they think I should leave.
We've talked and talked about how to make thing better but we can't seem to go a few days without things going back to shit. I'm still fairly young and hate the thought of being stuck in a miserable, sexless, joyless marriage for ever

PeppermintPasty Fri 25-Jan-13 14:13:24

*forearmed not forewarmed!!

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