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Dh asked I love him and want to be with him this morning

(22 Posts)
PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 18:00:44

Oldqueen- I think he was seeking reassurance.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 13:00:11

" So why has this shaken me up- upset me?!? "

Two thoughts. First, are you worried that 'do you love me and do you want to stay together' means that he's thinking of getting out? Are you worried that he'll end it? Second, are you worried about your reaction to 'do you love me etc' because, despite your 'I love yous', you're not totally convinced yourself?

oldqueencrepey Fri 25-Jan-13 12:54:37

I am wondering op whether the way he asked this suggested to you that he was worried and seeking reassurance or whether it was more of a challenge / rebuke / criticism (... if you did love me you'd do x, y, z to please me / not upset me etc.) or wether you are anxious that actually he's about to tell you that he's not sure of his own feelings.... there's a lot in the context / tone that can't be guesssed at down the interweb. What was your sense of it?

DuchessOfAvon Fri 25-Jan-13 12:32:31

Because this has all gone quite forceful, quite quickly.

Based on a very few posts that can only give an extremely partial and skewed view of your relationship, we have dived into the full-on "your marriage sounds pants" thread before anyone is even sure that is what you are dealing with.

I have no idea how your relationship was or is - that's your business.

What you describe could be a permanently unequal, unhappy marriage - but it could also be a portrait of a marriage struggling to cope with the changes that come with very small children, pregnancy and all of the life adjustments that you are both having to make. It could be a temporary state. It could just be that you are down and are just focused on bad things at the moment. I know that on my bad days, I could have written posts that would have flushed out all the LTB brigade in an instance.

Now that the DC's are 4 and 6, we are in a very different place. Things have returned to a more even keel and we are back to a partnership that we are both more comfortable with.

So - to address your OP, your DH is clearly insecure and worried.

What you do about that and how you approach it is for you and him - in your counselling or not. As some helpful PP's have said, you need to know how YOU feel and what you want which isn't necessarily easy to work out in the fog of life with a very young family.

Don't feel that you need to justify anything more to anyone. Don't let words on the internet shake you. We know nothing about you.

Thumbwitch Fri 25-Jan-13 12:31:47

I would say, off the top of my head, that one reason you could be shaken up and upset is that you are worried that he is asking you because he might be thinking of alternatives himself.

It sounds like he's still not that supportive, tbh - I can't be doing with the "you sit around at home all day, I work" attitude - it's not like he's doing a 12h shift down t'pit, is it?!

So the other possibility is that you're actually quite unsure whether or not you do love him and his question has raised the possibility that you don't actually love him in your unconscious mind, which is now SHOUTING at your conscious mind to take notice.

PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 12:27:22

I'm hoping the counselling will help us.

OneMoreChap Fri 25-Jan-13 12:25:53

Possibly because you're beginning to realise the problems and consider a future as a lone parent with 2 young kids?

Scary, but not impossible.
I hope he realises that he's staring down the barrel of being alone...

PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 12:19:47

blush So why has this shaken me up- upset me?!?

OneMoreChap Fri 25-Jan-13 12:08:54

I'm sure you do love him.

I'm less sure why.

jasmineramsden Fri 25-Jan-13 11:43:51

Passive-aggressive 'huffy' can be just as bad as angry IME...designed to keep you on your toes and trying to 'please him'. The additional pressure he put on you during your baby's early months sounds awful and he doesn't sound like much of a nice man at all (sorry)

PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 11:37:00

By narky I mean - huffy, I think angry is a strong word for it.

PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 11:35:32

Dishwasher has always been 'his' job UNTIL I started mat leave. Then it got added to mine. On top of that I had a boob loving bf baby.

He's helped noticeably more since I was I'll in dec with hyperemsis an ended up on a drip for two nights!

SolidGoldBrass Fri 25-Jan-13 11:30:50

Oh what a surprise.... Sorry OP, it's not you who's at fault here. It's reasonable that you should have felt like walking out; this man's an arsehole. WHy should you love someone who considers you his servant?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 11:30:39

You have to a keep a man like this on his toes or he'll backslide thinking he's done his bit. He's clearly a little more insecure if he's asking if you love him etc. Don't quite understand 'narky' .... contempt? angry? sarcasm? How long as he been doing lunches and switching on the dishwasher for? Bullies can quite often make a big effort if they think they're about to lose but, if they think they're off the hook, they'll revert to type.

PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 11:25:53

Cogito- I did text and say I do love him but sometimes I don't like him!

PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 11:24:02

I do love him and he has become a lot more supportive. He does our lunches, does the dishwasher has started to help with the washing etc. he also helps with dd in the night more- although I still do most of it because I hear her sooner I think.

I don't know if we have stagnated. I try to get him to do stuff but he has other things he says he needs to do.

I guess we don't have fun anymore or a laugh but if I make jokes he doesn't find them funny and gets narky.


CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 11:22:01

So there's no 'of course' about the love, in reality? His selfish, misogynistic, bullying behaviour drove you to the brink, you kept quiet to keep the peace, isolated yourself, got sick, and it's only now that you stand up to him (which I presume is what you mean by 'stressy') that he's actually starting to take notice.

This man does not deserve blithe reassurances, this is the time to hit him with the truth. 'Do you love me?' in future should be met with some equivocation..... 'it depends whether you start behaving better'.

oldqueencrepey Fri 25-Jan-13 11:17:48

and does he have any good points? do you love him and want to be with him? has his behaviour changed after you made it clear how miserable you were? what you describe would make most people feel controlled, criticised, unsupported...

PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 11:12:59

His expectations of what was achievable during the day was unfair and he expected the house to be spotless and dinner on the table when he came in.

I met friends/ went to baby groups which he didn't consider important.

At the end of my mat leave I became a recluse as it was easier to get stuff done at home than deal with the 'huff' when DH got home from work. As a result I became very unhappy and thought I had Pnd.

DH is very stressy sometimes and before I used to let it o- now it winds me up and I am stressy in response. I can't stand it. I don't see why I should put up with it.

I nearly left as I had no support with dd at night, his expectations of what I should do in the day and the fact I was so unhappy and used to dread him coming in from work.

Dd is not a great sleeper- we co sleep for me to be able to function. DH blames me for this because I took the easy option at the time. I needed to do that as I was exhausted and had none of his help As "he was Woking full time and I was off".

SolidGoldBrass Fri 25-Jan-13 10:47:49

Is he worth loving and wanting to be with? Is he kind to you, a decent man, does he do his share of domestic work and childcare?

Why did you consider walking out? Obviously I don't know you or your H but sometimes 'depression' in women is actually a matter of 'having an unsatisfactory or abusive partner' and the woman needs a divorce lawyer rather than therapy to make her more compliant.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 25-Jan-13 10:43:00

Maybe he is a little worried that the same things may happen again after this pregnancy. It sounds as though he is feeling a little insecure.

PeppaPigStinks Fri 25-Jan-13 10:36:54

The more I think about it the more upset I feel. I'm pregnant with dc2shock

It's not been an easy road ad we have finally just got a referral for couples counselling after I thought I had PND in April last year.

I said of course I love him and want to be with him. I wonder if the initial counselling appt has made him think this as I nearly walked out a year ago.

Not sure of the point of this post- think I just needed to 'talk' to someoneblush

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