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Feeling unsure and unsettled

(9 Posts)
changeofnametohidemyshame Fri 25-Jan-13 03:48:09

Back Story: Together 17 years. Married 10. DH had a series of one night stands 7 years ago. Women he met over the internet and met up with purely for sex and not relationship. He chatted to them online during his free time when he was on a 7 month deployment with the army. He then carried it on and eventually met up with these women once he got back to the UK. I found him out - all hell let loose. We split briefly. Things were shit for ages. Got back together and the last 6 years have been a tough journey but the last 2 years bloody good.

Really beginning to feel recently that we were back on track and I was really genuinely beginning to let properly go of all that had gone on before. We have 2 teen DC btw.

BUT - DH has recently been away on deployment for 6 months. He has been before since the infidelity 7 years back. He has been home 6 weeks now and I had noticed a few times that if I walked into a room when he was on the laptop he would be frantically clicking away. Always with the screen tilted away from me. I let it go a few times and others I openly and bluntly commented that it was as if he was hiding something. He openly joked back or flatley denied anything. I have told him loads of times that I dont have a problem with porn and if its porn - just be open about it but stop the secrecy.

So tonight I cannot sleep (worrying about problems with one of our DC). I am downstairs in the lounge. about an hour ago he got up and asked me if I fancied a cuppa. He then said it was cold, grabbed his laptop with a coffee and went back upto bed. About 30 minutes later I decided I was chilly so made a cuppa and decided to go upto bed as well.

I entered the bedroom and there he is deliberately moving the laptop so I cannot see the screen and frantically clicking away (I reckon to close it down). I ask what you looking at and get told "Nothing" hmm. I get on the bed and ask to look. He firmly moves the laptop out of my reach. I joke about porn and jokingly demand to see what is on there but he actually gets a bit pissy and refuses, really swinging the laptop out of my reach. Eventually when he gets to his home screen/desktop he lets me see it but wont let me look at the history when I ask to. He then proceeds to shut it down - which I know and said so to him - he has it set to delete history on shutdown.

For the 1st time in 2 year I found myself referring to his previous - I made some sick comment about it either being "sick dodgy porn or some kebab flaps he hopes to meet" - Dont know why I came out with that comment or was so crude (maybe some resentment from before still theresad).

Anyway - I just picked up my cuppa and came back downstairs. He asked if I was coming to bed and I just said no, I wasnt tired.

Thats it.

Am I being paranoid? Should he - 7 years on still be being upfront and honest with me to help me eradicate my suspsicions?

I know no one here can tell me what he was doing, I am not sure why I have posted this tbh. Perhaps some opinions or thoughts may help me see the wood through the trees. After spending so many years in a paranoid fog - I thought I had come out the otherside. Tonight has thrown me. I am oddly calm but am definately miffed or rather pissed off more like.

I would like to add that I very very much doubt he was arranging a nice surprise for me -he is just not that type.

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 04:11:02

I very much doubt he'd be going out of his way to prevent you seeing the screen or any part of his laptop, including its history, unless he's got something to hide.

Given his form, you're not being paranoid and should assume the worst if he won't allow you free access to his laptop/phone and any other means he has of connecting with the 'net.

changeofnametohidemyshame Fri 25-Jan-13 04:25:09

Yep - you are probably right izzyizin sad

I have been a bit low since Xmas - having problems with one of our DC, she hates her new school and its killing me to see her so sad and stressed out.

I dont know if I have the energy to go through the drama of trying to uncover something/nothing all over again. This has just high lighted to me that I obvioulsy dont trust him anymore. sad

I actually just feel like getting in the car and just driving right out of my life. I just dont have the energy to process this.

Hyperballad Fri 25-Jan-13 04:41:41

Grrrrrrrrr! I feel really angry reading this, you've stuck with him despite what he did and now he is acting suspicious all over again. I think considering his 'previous' he should be showing you his history and trying desperately to reassure you that nothing is going on. But he isn't is he.

Your heart must be sinking and heavy, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you can focus on your daughter and take stock of the situation with DH without rushing into anything. If you decide you can't do this a second time with him then you will get through this and you will be fine and in the long run you will probably be happier without him.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 25-Jan-13 08:42:25

Jeez, I sometimes feel that the explosion in portable internet technology has brought as many problems as it has solutions - in the old days, he would needed to creep around making phone calls to OW from phone boxes, now he can have an online conversation with her right up to the point when you walk into the room - and then deny it all and you're expected to believe him. Why else wouldn't he let you see the screen, and get pissy about it? He's having an affair, but he'll deny untill he's caught red-handed, then minimise. Sigh. As ballad said - heavy heart, steel yourself & decide what you're going to do.

steel yourself and decide where you go from here.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 25-Jan-13 08:44:45

Whoops - smartphone edit fail above! Portable 'net technology, y'see....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 09:08:06

These things rarely end any differently. If someone thinks it's OK to get their kicks in a certain way the whole business of reconciliation and repentance often just puts things in a holding pattern until the dust dies down and they think it's safe to carry on as normal.

You are not paranoid, therefore. Paranoia is irrational fear and suspicion. You have every rational reason for not trusting this person an inch. This leopard has not changed his spots in the slightest.

changeofnametohidemyshame Fri 25-Jan-13 13:40:22

I think you are all right. I knew it deep down just needed someone else to say it.

Just feel sad but very calm. Wondering how the hell I make the move to leave.

Not sure I can face it but I know I cant live the rst of my life doubting and wondering. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Jan-13 13:48:39

I tend to think that, once you've crossed the mental bridge that this is the end, you should get as well-informed as possible about your rights and responsibilities in the event of a split. Some solicitors off a free half-hour consultation where you can go through some practical details, for example. You also need to get some real life emotional support which is where friends and family come in. I don't know how much you've ever told anyone about the problems seven years ago but sharing the information now will make it a lot more real. I realise that it's all a pretty daunting prospect but, no, to carry on life in a constant state of alert and suspicion is no life at all...

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