Ex refusing mediation and pressuring me into signing a consent order I'm not happy with

[GreenEyedGirlxxx]

My ex-p has booked a court date to sort out contact with DS who has just turned 2. This is despite me saying I want to go to mediation several times - a suggestion his solicitor continually ignores.

I wrote to his solicitor (who is his girlfriend's mum - his girlfriend is the woman he left me for and now he lives with her and her 3 teenage kids). I copied in the court and said as I've said before I would like to go to mediation and would like you to adjourn the court date until we have done this.

At present he sees our son once a week at a soft play. His solicitor has said as I am verbally abusive to her client I cannot talk to him etc etc. in fact that's completely untrue. He was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive for the last three years of our relationship but he has told a pack of lies and is sticking with them - I think he has convinced himself his lies are the truth.

However, when he has contact with our son, he always asks me to come and pick him up half an hour early so we can have a coffee together and talk about things. He also phones me about once a week but always wen he is at work. So basically he's telling his solicitor he can't speak to me and I'm horrible, but when he speaks to me he says he's sorry, he doesn't want to go to court, I'm a great mum blah blah blah. His solicitor and his girlfriend don't know we speak and are getting on ok and communicating about DS.

Today he told me his solicitor has replied to my letter but he doesn't want to go to mediation. He has put a suggestion of contact arrangements on the letter and wants me to just say yes to them and then we can get it stamped by the court. He says mediation is a waste of time and money.

However, we have discussed him having DS one day a week when I'm at work plus every other Saturday. But in the letter apparently his solicitor has said we have to meet in a public place so we don't argue. I pointed out this was impractical at 7am which is when he would be picking DS up. He said, I know, and in reality of course I will just come to the house and get him. But I can't tell my solicitor that (presumably because her and her daughter wouldn't be happy about it) so you need to sign to say you agree with this and then we'll do our own thing anyway.

I said I wouldn't do that - I'm not signing and agreeing to something we has both agreed is not practical. At that he suddenly got really angry (up until this point it was a really civil conversation) and said 'well then we'll go to fucking court. You're always the same, nothing's ever simple, this is why I left'. Then he got in his car and drove off. Then half an hour later he rang me to say sorry, I just got angry, I didnt mean it. We can sort this out.

The mood swings happen a lot - I've learnt to be careful what I say and how I say things. If he turns up half an hour late for contact I don't say anything as he would go mad and say I don't understand how busy his life is, fuck off, you're always moaning etc etc.

Anyway, now I don't know what to do. I really wanted to go to mediation so we could discuss things in a controlled environment so I wouldn't be nervous about broaching sensitive subjects or saying something that night make him angry.

Am I right to say I won't sign something if its not really what we are going to do?

[dequoisagitil]

Yes you're right not to sign up to something that is a lie.

I think you should stop having these cosy chats with this man - he is manipulating you and his solicitor & girlfriend - playing all sides. He is using lies against you and pretending to be the victim

[dequoisagitil]

There's no benefit to you in engaging with him like this. He is not a reasonable person, he is an abuser and he is using your desire to be fair or to do the right thing against you.

[susanann]

Surely its a not right that a solicitor who is his gfs mother is involved in the case? I would question that to be honest.
I wouldnt sign it cos then you havent got a leg to stand on. Carry on standing up for yourself.

[MumOfTheMoos]

Why he's doing is really weird and as the poster above said, I would stop having chats with him.

Don't sign up to anything you're not happy itch - he's trying to bully you into signing now because he's worried that if it goes to court it will go your way - hold your nerve.

[addictedtolatte]

Op I sympathise with you am going through exactly the same. My ex tried to portray me as confrontational and aggressive. I Proved to courts he was a liar by keeping his texts asking to come to my home ect. I really think you need legal help. Good luck and don't allow this man to manipulate you the courts will see through him

[GreenEyedGirlxxx]

Thank you for your replies. You're so right, I need to stop talking to him - I've been doing it to keep the peace because I hate arguing but I'm just carrying on the way I did when we were together, being grateful when he's nice to me.

I think he knows I will hate to go to court so he's trying to use that to his advantage.

I thought it was completely inappropriate to have his gf's mum as his solicitor but I checked it out and although it seems wrong, there are no rules against it. It makes the whole thing so much worse and more personal.

I will see what this letter actually says when it arrives.

[GreenEyedGirlxxx]

addicted thank you. I think that's what I'm scared of, that we will go to court, he will tell lies about me and they will believe him. He's so convincing and so likeable. No one would guess what he can be like.

He's already told me that if I bring up the fact he is aggressive, he will say that I'm actually abusive, get social services involved and get my little boy taken away from me. Obviously I know it's unlikely this would ever happen - I have many many people who will vouch for the sort of mum I am - but it's still an awful thing to have threatened.

[Skyebluesapphire]

I don't think is solicitor is doing her job as they are supposed to encourage mediation... A judge can insist on it before it goes to court as they prefer mediation! If you are willing to do it and he won't then you should get a letter from mediation to that effect.

Your H is being a bully. Do not sign anything. He cannot make you. Keep a note of all meetings, dates times places. Then if it goes to court his solicitor will look like a fool if they don't know about these meetings.

Whatever is in the Consent Order should be kept to, it is a legal document.. So do not sign anything that you are not happy with.

[deleted203]

You really need to get a solicitor of your own, by the sound of things. (I am assuming you don't have one as you say you wrote to his solicitor and the court yourself). Do not sign anything. And get yourself a solicitor ASAP, so that they can deal with things on your behalf.

[AlbertaCampion]

Yes, get a solicitor! Also, as a side note, I wouldn't get hung up on the idea of mediation if I was you. With your XP's power plays, how could mediation ever work?

[izzyizin]

So his gf's mum has become his solicitor and is acting on his behalf?

Do the letters you receive indicate that his solicitor is employed by a firm of solicitors or do they indicate that she is working independently.

Are you/were you married to your 'ex-p'?

[PervyMuskrat]

Agree that you must get a solicitor. Also, please remember that solicitors should only ever act on client's instructions so he must be telling her to do this. This assumes that she's a legit solicitor - if she's not, the Law Society would be quite pleased to hear about someone claiming to be a solicitor

Best of luck to you

[OneMoreChap]

Jeez.
Get your own solicitor; he's having you over with this nice chatty, chatty bit.

[cestlavielife]

not good idea to attend mediation with an abusive personality.

it isn really clear anyway - you sit for half an hour each week and have coffee and it's always fine/ but it isnt fine sometimes ?

you think the issue is his gf doesnt want him going to your house to pick up ds? rather than you having a problem with this?

[izzyizin]

It could be he's told the gf a pack of lies about you and it could also be that the gf doesn't want him attending any mediation sessions in case he gets cosy with you again.

In any event, I hope you'll come back and answer my specific questions (above).

[addictedtolatte]

Op am terrified of courts as well but its amazing how you draw strength when it comes to your children. I've had everything thrown at me from him but he has looked the fool. The magistrates don't listen to he said she said type of things they just like hard evidence of which he probably has none of as he's lying so it will be game over. The courts are not that bad please don't be scared. Good luck and don't let this worry stop you enjoying your children

[dequoisagitil]

I am certain that this bloke is telling:

• his future MIL-solicitor that his ex is mental and can't be reasoned with
  
• his gf that his ex is mental and can't be reasoned with
  

while his ex is trying for mediation and he is luring her into meeting him alone so he can get his hooks in.

I bet he's trying to sleep with you again, OP? Maybe you have already?

It won't help. He gets off on the lies & manipulation.

[dequoisagitil]

If you're meeting him in public places, OP, it might be a good idea to get hold of CCTV to prove you're not the monster he says you are. Keep texts & emails.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

I would get a record of all the times hes contacted you, keep contact to emails or texts only, if he wants to this game, then keep all evidence, and when you go to court, you can say that he contacts me all the time, turn the tables on him OP, you can show him up to be a liar.

[GreenEyedGirlxxx]

Thanks for all your replies. Sorry, I haven't been back on for a while.

We go to court on Monday - we have both signed a consent order but his solicitor hasn't sent it to court as yet so our hearing is going ahead.

On Thursday he was supposed to have contact with our son. We both turned up at the soft play as arranged - he looked angry, I passed our son to him and asked what was wrong. He said I hadn't replied to his solicitors email from the previous day and was obviously tricking him into going to court. I assured him I had replied and told him I'd resend it when I got home. He then got angry and said he wouldn't be paying maintenance anymore as solicitors are expensive etc. I said, just go in and have your contact, you are frightening DS and there's no need. He then said I had to come back in 2 hours instead of 3 as he was busy. I said that wasn't the arrangement and I had something planned. He started swearing and saying I would have to take DS with me. He then grabbed my arm to stop me leaving and put our son back in the car. As he walked back to his car he then told me he would be calling his solicitor to say I wouldn't let him have contact and had been verbally abusive to him.

He later phoned and apologised but said he was too busy to have the contact and would see our son next week.

I was just starting to feel better about him having more regular contact and now I just feel sick about it again. It's just such a horrible situation. It makes me want to run away as I can't see how he is ever going to be the sort of father he should be. It's all about him, never about our 2 year old DS.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Stop contact with this dick, phone WOmen's Aid and get a solicitor who specialises in helping women with abusive partners. Because this man is abusive, and entirely unreasonable, so don't waste time being reasonable with him.

Remember that what he says is bullshit and the court will see through it. He cannot get custody of your son just by claiming that you are a bad mother. He has no right to any contact with you against your wishes.

Send him an email saying 'From now on all contact between is to be via email and only in connection with contact and financial arrangements.'
Then block him from your phone, ignore any texts and don't answer the door if he turns up at the house. If he does turn up and won't go away, call the police.

A man like this is your enemy and needs to be treated as such, albeit calmly.

[izzyizin]

Are you saying you've signed the consent order which you've said in your OP you're not happy with?

Will you please answer the questions I asked in my response dated Fri 25-Jan-13 01:03:25?

[Pilgit]

His solicitor should not be acting as she has a clear conflict of interest. She should also not be discussig it with her daughter as this is a clear breach of client confidentiality.

If you haven't got yourself a solicitor - get one. stop engaging and keep records. Make sure everything is in writing. It's horrid as you want things to be amicable and reasonable - he is preventing that so instead you have to protect yourself.

[Skyebluesapphire]

You cannot allow your son to be messed around like this. It is not fair for him to witness your x having a go at you, then putting him back in the car.

I still fail to see how his girlfriends mum can be his solicitor. How on earth can that be legal?!

and he has to pay maintenance, doesnt matter if "solicitors are expensive".... thats just tough shit, he will have to pay them somehow, but maintenance has to be paid and can be enforced by the court if necessary

[bestsonever]

Unless you have a court order for the visits you need to work, it seems likely that he will chose to not turn up when it suits him so that your work will suffer. However, given that he is so abusive, a few hours a week in a public place does sound a lot safer for your son. Do you really trust him to have him all day and overnight? From how you describe him, I certainly would not.