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re marriage

(4 Posts)
fantosh Thu 24-Jan-13 17:43:27

I'm 58 and have been married for 33 years. We have 4 children as well as 4 grand-children. The trouble is that over the last 5 years my husband has almost completely lost all interest in sex - we now make love perhaps 2 - 3 times a year. Well, it tends to be more like a quick grope over in a few minutes, which leaves me completely unsatisfied. We used to have a very tactile, loving relationship which just suddenly stopped - it wasn't a gradual process. We currently have quite a 'polite' relationship, living together more like brother and sister than man and wife. He works hard, at times obsessively and travels quite a bit with his work. He suffered from a long illness which resulted in bouts of impotence; nevertheless we got through it and during this period I was very patient and forbearing.
So it hurts somewhat that he refuses to talk about our practically non-existent love-life, just saying that he's getting on with life and what am I bothered
about. I look after myself, am slim and other men still find me attractive. I feel neglected, unattractive and unloved and don't know what to do.

Any advice gratefully received.

Charbon Thu 24-Jan-13 17:46:44

The word I focused on was 'suddenly', in that his interest in sex stopped suddenly.

Often this points to someone having had sex with someone else. Is that possible, given that he travels away a lot?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 17:51:06

The only way you get past 'refuses to talk' IME is to up the stakes. There has to be a consequence to not talking. A risk attached to doing nothing. Currently, there isn't one because, whether he talks about it or not, his life carries on undisturbed.... Work out what a serious consequence might be and then put it to him.

fantosh Thu 24-Jan-13 21:54:09

I'm 99% confident that he's not had an affair. More like he just gave up and couldn't be bothered any more. Maybe the struggle with his health coupled with the demands of a sexual relationship just got too much and now everything is mostly subsumed in his work...Funny thing is, I'm not necessarily bothered about the sex; if he would just spend some intimate time with me I'd feel a lot better.

You're right about his life carrying on regardless. I've tried various tactics, such as going away on my own for extended periods but when I get back there's no change. Sometimes I get upset and confront him: then for a couple of days things might be a bit different, then we lapse back into the same scenario.

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