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Husband wants an abortion I don't please help

(171 Posts)
Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 09:01:26

I never thought I would be posting on here.
I am 24. My dh is 34. We have 5 dc dd1 is nearly 8 dtwinson and dtwindaughyer are 5 dd3 is nearly 3 and dd4 is 19 months. I also had a mmc at 12 weeks in 2009

I have/had the merina coil. Found out last friday I am pregnant roughly 5 weeks.

Dh is adament he doesn't want another dc. We talked about having a another dc in the future but not at the moment.

We run our own taxi service which I answer the phones do the admin and he drives he works long and unsocial hours and doesn't get enough sleep as it is to be fair.

He wants me to have an abortion I've been to the doctors and made an appointment for bpas for Tuesday.

I really really really don't want to have an abortion.

He says he wont cope with another dc. He finds it hard to cope with the ones we have at the moment.

He says the final decision is mine. It doesn't feel like mine. I know he would be upset angry annoyed if I keep the baby.

But how can I have another baby knowing I forced him to be a dad again.

He says its unfair of me to force him to be a dad again when he doesn't want it.

How can I bring a baby up knowing dh didn't wanted it. I have no one else to talk to

Sorry its long I just don't know which way to turn.

zzzzz Mon 28-Jan-13 11:09:46

I'm so glad you are in it together, your post sounds so must happier. Good luck to you all.

trustissues75 Mon 28-Jan-13 11:02:24

I'm so pleased to hear that, OP. Hugs to you and good luck!

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Mon 28-Jan-13 08:44:49

I really feel for the two of you and I am pleased you have come to a decision together. You both sound sensible and loving. It is great that you have done this quickly rather than drag it out. I am sure you may both feel a bit raw for a while but you have plenty of time to relax into the pregnancy and look forward to the new baby.

I hope everything goes well.

HermioneHatesHoovering Mon 28-Jan-13 05:46:41

I have had TWO fallen out without me knowing Mirenas, so it is entirely possible, bestsonever.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 28-Jan-13 01:13:51

I am so glad you came to a decision

Lueji Mon 28-Jan-13 00:06:15

That's great news. smile

Not necessarily about keeping the baby (although I am on the "keeping field"), but more that you managed to talk about it and for him to support your decision.

I'm sure it will be hard, but if you are that strong as a couple, you will certainly manage.

I'm sure the older children will take a protective, almost parental role.

I hope all goes well.
particularly when the 6th child becomes a millionaire and supports the entire family grin

5madthings Sun 27-Jan-13 23:06:31

Oh op so glad you and dh have talked, the counselling is a good idea, I hope all goes well for you xx

Lemonbuzz Sun 27-Jan-13 23:04:38

I also have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday to find out what's happen to the coil

Lemonbuzz Sun 27-Jan-13 22:58:34

Sorry I haven't been back before.
Thank you for all your replies. I have been reading them and have read some out to dh.
We have had a horrible time.
But the short story is after a lot of talking and some arguments lots of crying and heart to hearts. Dh understands why I cannot go through with an abortion.
He is going to support me 100%. We love each other too much to walk away and split our family up.
We have been more loving towards each other.
I have cancelled my bpas appointment.
We have made an appointment to see a doctor about dh having a vasectomy or me being sterilised after I have given birth. We are also going to talk about counselling.
We are going to give it our best to make our relationship work.
Thank you again for all your advice and opinions.

Lueji Sun 27-Jan-13 22:48:53

I only have one, but I wouldn't presume to tell anyone how difficult it is to go from 5 to 6.

How can you tell how people will cope with more children if you only have 2, BabyBorn?
I think your comments just reflect how difficult you find to parent, not what happens in most families, or large families.

And going back to your first post, why do you have to divide your time? Perhaps because yours are of different ages, but when children are close in age, it's easier to share activities. And they entertain each other quite a lot.

Samu2 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:39:31


I fell pregnant with number 5 on the coil, it was a shocker.

My dh didn't want any more kids and he was on the waiting list for the snip. After they removed the coil I was told I would likely miscarriage, she is 4 years old now.

Dh didn't think he could cope with another child as he struggles with the four we had then and I wasn't sure. I booked a termination but couldn't go through with it. I thought it would be the end of us but we worked through it and I am so very glad the coil failed now.

It was an awful time, very awful so I feel for you, I really do.

Just keep talking x

pumpkinsweetie Sun 27-Jan-13 22:37:34

I hope you are okay op?
Please make sure the final decision is YOURS & yours only as it is you that will have to live whichever decision you choose.
Very sorry you are going through this x

jellybeans Sun 27-Jan-13 22:30:27

'It's funny how all my "haters" all have 5 children or more. Phah. '

I'm not a 'hater' I merely disagree. Maybe we actually know what we are talking about though, having experienced it? I was terrified going from 2-4 (twins) but once you do it and get used to it it doesn't seem that bad. 5 doesn't seem many to me now although most people seem to think it is a lot when I tell them I have 5 (they did the same to 4).

expatinscotland Sun 27-Jan-13 22:28:50

I had 3, BabyBorn. One died and we won't be having anymore. I think your comments are patronising, condescending, spiteful and smack of jealousy and mean-spiritedness.

BabyBorn Sun 27-Jan-13 22:27:08

It's funny how all my "haters" all have 5 children or more. Phah.

The OP has gone really who cares anymore. The decision is hers.

aufaniae Sun 27-Jan-13 21:34:14

Lemonbuzz sheeesh there are some people with axes to grind here!

I hope they're not getting to you.

Please, don't do anything rash you will regret. Be easy on yourself, take some time to think it over and come to a considered decision. The suggestion of counselling is a good one I think.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 27-Jan-13 21:17:50

Lemonbuzz, you are pregnant. It has happened and there is no way of making it unhappen. Whatever happens next, this has changed your life.

Please speak to your DH about your fears for your future relationship and listen to his. And please get some counseling. It will help you explore the consequences of each choice and find the least painful option in the long run.

Unfortunately for you and your DH, the short run is looking difficult. Difficult, but not impossible. I wish you both strength in the time ahead.

jellybeans Sun 27-Jan-13 20:43:33

'I think you would be extremely selfish to have another. Sorry.'

I disagree. I have 5 DC. First 4 by 25. Would have been 5 by 25 but sadly lost a DD. It is perfectly possible to be a good parent to this many and more-lots of people do it. For me personally I am done at 5 because of the sheer expense (I have teenagers!) and chaos of life along with my health issues. But it is a good chaos and kids are happy and doing well and do not go without. But if OP was already considering another in the future then she obviously felt 6 was manageable to them/her? Just because you couldn't cope with more than 2 doesn't mean others cannot.

Lueji Sun 27-Jan-13 20:43:23

Alice, while that is true, there aren't enough children born in Western European countries to replace their own population.

The problem of overpopulation is more acute in developing, or newly developed countries, where survival rates are increasing but family size is still large.

5madthings Sun 27-Jan-13 20:38:35

greylady makes a very good point that in ten yes time with the children older, at high school etc you will have many years to pursue a career, do some training etc.

I think an outside party is counsellor is a good idea for both of you.

Good luck op in whatever choice you make, make sure its YOUR choice xxx

expatinscotland Sun 27-Jan-13 20:18:19

'Another thing Lemonbuzz... when do you ever get to be you? You've been a mother since you were a child. .... Why make life harder for yourself'

How patronising! This person is 24 and an adult who does not want a termination. 'Husband wants an abortion,' well, guess what? He can't have one! If he were that adamant he should have used a condom every time on top of her having the Mirena.

GwendolineMaryLacey Sun 27-Jan-13 20:09:56

That's a particularly shit reason to have an abortion alice

alicetrefusis Sun 27-Jan-13 18:40:25

There is also the world-overpopulation argument. Half the baby girls born this year in the developed West will live to be a hundred. Just imagine the strain of that on the planet.

trustissues75 Sun 27-Jan-13 18:20:12

Sorry OP, I replied with a knee-jerk reaction when I re-read my post (but I'm still mad that he wasn't willing to take any responsibility for things) Anyway...only you know yourself and your family. If you don't want an abortion you don't want one and he'll either stay or leave. Perhaps he's in shock right now? TBH my OH was a bit of an arse but he came around (he had a bit of a short sharp shock that brought him to his senses). I'm really sorry you are going through this - it is a very hard situation with no easy solution.

This will probably seem like just a crappy platitude, but so far in life I've found it ends up turning out to be true - no matter how dire a situation seems at the time you will get through it and you will be happy again.

thegreylady Sun 27-Jan-13 18:02:42

Lots of conflicting advice here.You are very young and at the height of your fertility. When your first child is 18 you will only be 34-the age at which many are sarting their families-even this new baby would be approaching secondary school so you and your dh could have many many years of baby free life together.
I dont think you really want an abortion therefore you shouldn't have one. You need to talk to him again and perhaps suggest that now is time for him to have a vasectomy so there wont be any more surprises.
This baby was an accident.You thought you had taken adequate precautions but they failed now you need to ensure there is no chance of another failure and he needs to use condoms from now on.

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