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Husband wants an abortion I don't please help

(171 Posts)
Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 09:01:26

I never thought I would be posting on here.
I am 24. My dh is 34. We have 5 dc dd1 is nearly 8 dtwinson and dtwindaughyer are 5 dd3 is nearly 3 and dd4 is 19 months. I also had a mmc at 12 weeks in 2009

I have/had the merina coil. Found out last friday I am pregnant roughly 5 weeks.

Dh is adament he doesn't want another dc. We talked about having a another dc in the future but not at the moment.

We run our own taxi service which I answer the phones do the admin and he drives he works long and unsocial hours and doesn't get enough sleep as it is to be fair.

He wants me to have an abortion I've been to the doctors and made an appointment for bpas for Tuesday.

I really really really don't want to have an abortion.

He says he wont cope with another dc. He finds it hard to cope with the ones we have at the moment.

He says the final decision is mine. It doesn't feel like mine. I know he would be upset angry annoyed if I keep the baby.

But how can I have another baby knowing I forced him to be a dad again.

He says its unfair of me to force him to be a dad again when he doesn't want it.

How can I bring a baby up knowing dh didn't wanted it. I have no one else to talk to

Sorry its long I just don't know which way to turn.

Narked Thu 24-Jan-13 18:49:37

No contraception is 100%.

He carried on having sex with you.

He accepted the risk of pregnancy.

Narked Thu 24-Jan-13 18:54:16

And a 25/6 year old getting a 15/16 year old pregnant speaks volumes.

Chislemum Thu 24-Jan-13 19:03:15

I know it cannot be compared, but I had a MMC 3 years ago and I still have to think about the baby I lost. Do you think you would always think about the baby you aborted? You feeling guilty could also break your family up. You may never forgive yourself or your husband.... I am only saying that since you seem to feel very strongly about this.

You and your husband need to sort out your contraception situation and talk - properly talk. I think the "snip" for one of you is necessary

rhondajean Thu 24-Jan-13 19:06:30

He doesn't want to lose me or his children sounds a bit like passive agressive blackmail to me.

I read something wise on here, someone posted to another person in your situation, if you do think it is the beginning of the end as you said, if you have an abortion it's an end with regrets and anger and nothing else, if you have the baby it's the end but with another person for you to love and love back.

I put that really badly, they expressed it very well. Sorry, I hope you get the gist.

Booyhoo Thu 24-Jan-13 19:31:03

narked op is 24. her eldest is 7. this makes her 17 when eldest was born. where are you getting 15 from?

Narked Thu 24-Jan-13 19:33:39

'I was 16 when I had dd1'

Booyhoo Thu 24-Jan-13 19:46:26

yes, where are you getting 15 from?

ImNotDrunkIJustCantType Thu 24-Jan-13 19:51:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FryOneFatManic Thu 24-Jan-13 19:51:57

She was 16 when she had DD1, you're 16 for a year, and pregnancy is only 9 months. Doesn't mean she was 15 when she got pregnant.

nkf Thu 24-Jan-13 19:52:06

He is being totally honest. He doesn't want a sixth child. He doesn't think he can cope. He says it's your choice. I don't see how he could be fairer. What are you going to do? It's obviously sad and hard for you but please ignore the people who tell you he's an arse.

HoratiaWinwood Thu 24-Jan-13 19:54:14

OP says DD1 is "nearly eight" and that she herself is 24. DD1 was plausibly conceived while OP was underage. I don't think many of us would be thrilled if our underage daughters got pregnant by a man a decade older.

But that is totally irrelevant to the matter at hand, isn't it? They've been together as long as my DH and me which makes them solid IMHO grin

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 24-Jan-13 20:12:27

Why are so many posters so desparate to paint the OP's DH as a complete bastard/arse?

Touchmybum Thu 24-Jan-13 20:38:35

Well it's a moot point now, they are 8 years down the line, and it's irrelevant to the situation at hand.

IMO this is a decision for the head, not the heart.

differentnameforthis Thu 24-Jan-13 21:16:48

I don't think pulling apart their relationship is going to help op here. She wants advice & guidance on her situation, not bickering about their ages when she conceived her first child.

differentnameforthis Thu 24-Jan-13 21:20:10

Why are so many posters so desparate to paint the OP's DH as a complete bastard/arse?

Because it justifies their out dated view that men don't matter when it comes to how many children make up a family.

shesariver Thu 24-Jan-13 21:58:43

Why are so many posters so desparate to paint the OP's DH as a complete bastard/arse?

Maybe because of their own opinions/experiences of men.

BabyBorn Thu 24-Jan-13 22:32:25

I think he's right and would be worried how your time would be spent giving each and every child you've already got some one to one attention.

I am 28 and have 2 children 8 and 9 months, I think its hard enough dividing my time between the pair of them as it is.

I think you would be extremely selfish to have another. Sorry.

BourbonsandTea Thu 24-Jan-13 22:32:46

Very few people have called OP's H an arse. Most posts have been reasonable advice taking both points into consideration. In what era have women been the ones to decide how many children were to be brought into a family? Fathers have an equal say as to whether or not to have sex (which always carries the risk of pregnancy). The OP did not plan to make a baby any more than her husband did, but a baby has been created - for which they are both equally responsible.
The mother has the final say when it comes to abortion because she is the one who will feel the pain, one way or the other, but that doesn't mean she should have to face the pregnancy alone, as if she was the sole creator of the child..
OP - I wish you the best or luck with your decision and hope your partner can be there to support you either way. As I said this must be tough on both of you.

Booyhoo Thu 24-Jan-13 22:45:25

babyborn that isn't really helpful tbh. your personal difficulties with your 2 children should have no bearing on whether another family has more children or not. this isn't a case of who is right and who is wrong. it is such a personal decision and can only be made by the two parents involved. only their feelings on the matter are valid. calling OP selfish just doesn't help.

Lemonbuzz Thu 24-Jan-13 22:50:35

Im still reading taking everything in.
Babyborn just because you find it hard to spread your time for one to one hard doesn't mean I do.
My 3 oldest are at school all day dd3 is at nursery 2 mornings a week when dd4 is in bed dd3 gets time everyday. When dd3 and 4 are in bed for the night at 18:15 I spend one to one with my twins once they are in bed at 19:15 my dd1 gets one to one until her bed at 20:00 that is just during the week.
Once every 2 - 3 weeks my mum has two of the the oldest on a rotation so the one who is here gets a movie and popcorn night.
I am not selfish this is the hardest thing I am having to go through.
My children get loads of love care and all the time they could want.
Please don't call me selfish when you have no idea how my children are looked after or how much one to one time they have.

Booyhoo Thu 24-Jan-13 23:04:57

you really dont have to justify your decision or situation to anyone here lemon.

i hope you and DH are able to have a good talk about this and reach a decision that isn't too difficult for either or both of you. smile

wiltingfast Thu 24-Jan-13 23:26:31

What a tough tough thing for both of you to have to go through. I cannot imagine what it is like. I do think he is being v hard on you in what he is saying. You say you feel you have no choice, to me that must mean he is putting you under considerable pressure. Which is not consistent with his statement that it is your choice. I think poster who are saying he is an arse are reacting to that dynamic.

I hope you find a way through. I think I would find it next to impossible to abort a child conceived with a man I loved, when we had other children together, no matter what the finances. You need to think v carefully about how you would cope.

Could the 2 of you get some counselling? It's easy spiral in panic and distress and make decisions that will be v hard to live with afterwards.

For me I think it would be a v emotional decision. Impossible to really know I guess. But you clearly think it would be manageable.

Touchmybum Thu 24-Jan-13 23:27:20

What if you decide to keep the baby, and your dh can't come to terms with it.... though you stay together - and he resents the child when it comes along?

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 23:50:38

I am 28 and have 2 children 8 and 9 months, I think its hard enough dividing my time between the pair of them as it is.
I though you had an 8 month and a 9 month old. grin

I think you would be extremely selfish to have another. Sorry.

Extremely selfish? FGS confused
Lots of families have 6 or more children and they are happy.
Having lots of siblings can be great.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Fri 25-Jan-13 00:15:31

OP, you said earlier that he didn't want to lose you or the children. I truly think he will come round to this pregnancy, he is a good man. He will love it just as much as the others. And for heavens sake, try not to get into this position again. You both need to sit down and discuss contraception!
Hope it works out for you smile

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