Men who talk about themselves - red flag?

[tiptop2]

H,

I'm back on the dating scene again and doing some online dating...the last 2 guys I've been on dates with - one who was actually really sexy - spent a lot of time just talking about themselves, asking me no questions, and not looking that interested when I was telling a story.

I would assume that they just weren't interested but they have both asked me out on more dates so I'm guessing they are.

In general, is it a nerves thing or are they just far too self absorbed and to be avoided?

One of the men in particular is really hot so I'd like to continue seeing him but just don't want to be wasting time if I should be avoiding these guys straight off. He did, interestingly enough, ask lots of Q's when we were chatting via email but I know online/meeting in RL is often very different.

Thanks!

[VoiceofUnreason]

"Beauty fades, dumb is forever" - Judge Judy

Fine words. I can't imagine going on a date and not CHATTING and asking the woman I was with lots of stuff about herself. It should be a two-way street to find out about each other.

Being hot and sexy is all very well, but hopefully you want someone who is at least as interested in you as he is in himself.

[meditrina]

It's impossible to tell. They might be self-absorbed pigs, they might be somewhat socially incompetent, they might have had first date nerves.

If you liked one of them, have a second date and see what happens. It's such early days that you've nothing to lose except a few hours of dating time. Just remember to keep your brain engaged as well as your loins!

[tiptop2]

Thank you. I know, I'm just so wary I think and don't want to waste time....

Will try and keep brain functioning on 2nd date...I haven't fancied anyone for ages though but agree, I will probably get bored quite quickly if it doesn't start to become more a 2 way thing conversation wise...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not a 'red flag' in the sense that they might become abusive. However, being self-absorbed & not interested in other people isn't a very attractive character trait in anyone, male or female. Are you normally quite chatty or do you think they're filling the silences?

[pictish]

I think it's a reason to be wary, yes.

You want a partner, not a performer. When someone just talks about themselves all the time it's an indication that they want to beetle you into thinking they're the bomb, while showing they don't really care who YOU are...so long as you're an audience.

Yuck.

[tiptop2]

Thanks all, I'm generally quite a chatty person and I know I do ask lots of Q's (had this drilled into me growing up as the polite thing to do) so I guess that encourages it, but yes that's what I thought...is it really just a sign that they just love an audience and anyone who's willing to sit there and listen will do for them! Maybe that's why I'm getting more dates with them...I'm asking too many Q's and they love it because that's what they want!

Oh god, I definitely need them to be interested in me though....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I actually like men that can carry a conversation and have something to say ... even if they default to talking about themselves. I've met far too many strong, silent (a.k.a. boring) types that expect me to do all the talking and it's far too much like hard work. Yes, everyone loves talking about themselves generally speaking :)

I think it's a judgement call. If they're really switching off when you talk then don't accept the 2nd date request. If they at least seem interested when you finally butt in, put Mr Chatty Man down to nerves!

[VoiceofUnreason]

Cogito - you're right (of course) but there is a big difference between carrying a conversation and ensuring no long silences and monopolising a conversation. Someone with good communication skills (ie, not strong silent types) can usually talk about themselves but swing it around to bring the other person into the chat. Even if it becomes desperate like "I do like going to the cinema. I really love fantasy films, and saw The Hobbit last week and thought the 3D was great. Have you seen it?"

[DeckSwabber]

Perhaps you are a fabulous listener and have perfected the 'interested' face?

[tiptop2]

I must be DeckSwabber!

I definitely prefer chatty men to non chatty men as find it more comfortable not doing all the talking..I'm not quiet but I don't rabbit on for hours...I like a happy medium and I suppose want someone who wants the same.

Oh goodness, I'll go on the 2nd dates and either a) they'll be more relaxed and listen a bit more or b) I'll spend the evening finding out about how they like to butter their toast....!

[Lueji]

Men, I think, like to show off.
Maybe he already knew enough about you and was hoping to impress you?

[pictish]

If the dates don't go well, do tell them why you will not seek another.
I would.

[comingintomyown]

See if it continues , if so get rid sharpish

[ArtsMumma]

Hi, I don't think you can make a judgement quite yet, I think when online dating men feel a little under pressure to disclose every little detail to sort of prove they aren't weird or dangerous. Perhaps they were trying to do this by talking about themselves and have overdone it slightly. Give them another chance and watch their reaction carefully as you talk about yourself, that should give you more to go on. If it continues, then get rid. I think I would be more worried if they were all questions and not forthcoming with info about themselves but you have to have a balance! Good Luck!

[tiptop2]

Thanks everyone!! I will let you know how 2nd dates next week go. I thought about that pictish and whether I should tell them.....but that would mean getting a word in edgeways!! Seriously though - give them that feedback - do you think?

[LemonDrizzled]

My DP is a Chatty Man. He was Online dating for a couple of years and kept getting dropped after one date. When I met him he talked non stop all evening through nerves. I realised this and kept him on as he is kind and sexy and funny and thoughtful. But sometimes I have to kick him in the shins to shut him up!

On the plus side, he gets on with everybody, makes friends easily and I can talk to him about anything however tricky(I am a chatter too)
On the minus side he forgets to ask other people about themselves sometimes, or rushes in with an anecdote. And he is a nutter magnet! Just like me in fact.

Not a red flag just a reason to hold back till you know if he is self-absorbed or not.

Yes to feedback - DP would have found it very helpful to be told he was rabbiting on too much.

[pictish]

I do. They ought to know where they are going wrong.
They will either take heed and apply it to their next unfortunate date...or they will ignore you completely....but I would certainly be offering feedback.
To bore a date to death talking about yourself is rude and time wasting.

[LemonDrizzled]

One OD man I met was Special Forces and getting him to tell me anything was like pulling teeth. He could chat on about our mutual hobby or about travel or sport but he would never tell me anything of any meaning about himself.
"If I tell you i would have to kill you".
It drove me nuts and it was a relief when he disappeared back to somewhere hot and dangerous! Chatty is better...

[tiptop2]

ok great, thanks LemonDrizzle - that's good to know about your DP and he sounds lovely!

I will definitely provide feedback...If it were me, I suppose I would want to know, especially if it came across as me being rude, which you're right pictish, it is!

[nospace]

Life's too short to waste it on someone who's not interested in you as a person and doesn't care about you or how things are for you. See how they are after a second date,maybe, and then you'll have a better idea.

[LemonDrizzled]

I know when I chat on at people and don't ask about their weekend or their night out with a hot date it is because I am a but diffident about starting the conversation and it is easier to launch in with an anecdote of my own. I have had feedback from colleagues that I do this and it is annoying. That was painful to accept but I am practising my listening skills.
I even do it on here - posting about my own experience instead of asking questions about the Op's dilemma.

With the hot guy did you get any feedback about whether he fancied you? Was there chemistry?

I joked with DP that I would put something in his mouth to stop him talking if he came on a second date. (I bought pink prawn sweets and fed him those shortly before I ravished him) if he is nice the hot guy won't mind being teased about it.

[tiptop2]

Lemon - he was being very flirty and physically I do really fancy him and there was certainly chemistry. He was a nice person, just talked a lot about himself and not many Q's. He sent me a message after the date saying how lovely it was to meet me and how he was already looking forward to seeing me again, asking if I'm around next week. So def keen - but just didn't ask much about me...!!

I just think if you like someone you want to find out about them...but maybe not everyone the same...

[nospace]

If he carries on being like that, he will become boring and show he's self-absorbed. If he doesn't show any interest in you, I think you'll soon get bored of him if it's all about him. Good luck.