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DH being controlling or am I over reacting?

(117 Posts)
Flumpyflumps Wed 23-Jan-13 21:08:19

DH is going away to his mums for the weekend on Friday.
He is taking DD too and I am clear to stay here and have some time to myself (nice!)
HOWEVER. I just said to him I'd most likely go out with my friend sat as it was her birthday this week, and I'd probably take my 'spends' money out for that.

DH thinks I should wait and not spend it this weekend, and if I over spent he Would Not be bailing me out and not to drink too much as its so expensive.

I had up til this point been under the impression that we had equal rights to the money and that I was in fact an adult that could budget already!!

Gah! So annoyed, AIBU?

Numberlock Wed 23-Jan-13 22:34:21

Is this the first time you've been out with friends while he's at his mum's?

Flumpyflumps Wed 23-Jan-13 22:36:38

He looked a bit scared when I said it was not up to
Me where we are going Saturday its not my birthday do and I've got an undisclosed budget and he needs to back off!

Mumbled about making conversation to which I 'hhmmmmm' d a lot and that was that!
Thanks clipped, think that's shut him up!

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 22:38:48

Good. Repeat as necessary. grin

tribpot Wed 23-Jan-13 22:43:19

Good. A bit of friendly concern to make sure you've remembered to pre-book a taxi rather than hang around in the cold for one on Saturday night is a good thing, but a full-scale Inquisition into your precise movements, budget and intentions is quite another.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 22:46:10

Pre-book a taxi? I've never done that in my life because if i go out with friends who knows where the night may take me.

Don't pre-book a taxi OP. Go with the flow.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 22:48:29

Pre booking a taxi smacks of having to be home at a certain time, sod that!

tribpot Wed 23-Jan-13 22:48:58

I was thinking if the clubs all chuck out at the same kind of time it'd be nice to beat the queues, esp in this weather!

ConfuzzledMummy Wed 23-Jan-13 22:50:27

You have "spends"? Tell him to piss off and spend your money how you like! To answer your question yes he is being controlling, do you tell him how to spend his money?

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 22:51:25

If that's what the OP and her friends decide to do then great, if it's what her partner decideds she should do then it's not bloody ok!

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 22:52:01


Got mad there for a mo.

tribpot Wed 23-Jan-13 23:00:00

Absolutely, Clipped - if he had been making a casually useful reminder of something she might want to consider that is vastly different from the split-second itinerary with GPS co-ordinates provided along with budget estimates to 10 decimal places. I think he may have thought he was doing the former whilst he was actually quite firmly in the latter category.

Shelby2010 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:24:45

Personally, I think you were just over thinking it... He realised he was spending the night at his Mum's while you would be out on the town, got a bit jealous & made some grumpy comments. Suddenly he's controlling & you're over-reacting. Surely better to have treated it as a joke & promise to keep enough money back for a taxi home.

Unless he is actually controlling & abusive, in which case use the weekend to LTB.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 23:35:16

Jealous and grumpy is a joke, ok then. It does tend to become less funny when jealous and grumpy is allowed and appeasing this behaviour becomes a grating and eroding thing on a relationship.

Shelby2010 Thu 24-Jan-13 00:06:22

I didn't say appease - I said (meant) ignore. He's the one looking after their daughter for the weekend, while the OP stays at home. I can't see that happening if he was particularly controlling - he'd be sending her to MIL while he went out in the piss.

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 06:07:41

Are you sure all is well with his job?

TotallyBS Thu 24-Jan-13 07:06:58

"we have been totally fine with our arrangement"

This suggests that your DP has no history of being an arse about money so why come onto aibu and give the Sisterhood of Dump the Bastard free shots at the poor guy?

AnyFucker Thu 24-Jan-13 07:38:22

"the arrangement" was that leftover money is divided between them

Not that he tells her precisely how to spend it, or rather how to behave with it

Flumpyflumps Thu 24-Jan-13 07:44:43

He's actually got up this morning and said sorry about getting so uptight about the money.

I sai what's brought this on as no issues before this weekend he said e was jealous.

Can't articulate why as we have a very equal split of free time and an equal split of money.

Went round in circles with me asking what he thought would happen and him saying I don't know.

tribpot Thu 24-Jan-13 07:58:46

Is this the first time he's looked after your dd for the weekend? (Although 'looked after' is a strong term given he is going to stay at her grandma's house)

Lueji Thu 24-Jan-13 08:00:22

TotallyBS, this is not AIBU...

Startail Thu 24-Jan-13 08:14:50

Tell him to fuck off it's non of his business how you spend, your share of spare money.

It's fine to agree how much is spare, but then the other partner should butt out.

DH and I are lucky he earns enough that sensible personal spending doesn't cause a problem and we don't check up on each other very much. I moan about too many EBay boxes occasionally, but only very gently.

My DDad is hopeless with money, so DMum always gave him "pocket money" when things were tight. She accepted it would be spent on all sorts of junk.

MumOfMissy Thu 24-Jan-13 08:20:13

What a tit. I'd wind him up and tell him you went to Mahikis and bought one of those treasure chest cocktails for £150. Seriously though, how much does he spend when HE goes on a night out? ask him, then spend at least the same. If it's a paltry sum, spend what you like then economise by giving him beans on toast for dinner till the end of the month.

worsestershiresauce Thu 24-Jan-13 08:22:38

I'm actually beginning to feel sorry for the bloke. From what I understand OP has and equitable arrangement where any disposable income is split equally and spent as wanted. However, in this one instance her DH has a bit of a strop on and gets arsey about it. He then apologises.

Sounds like a case of the green eye monster, not controlling abusive behaviour. In all likelihood he wants to go out on the tiles with his mates and have a booze up rather than child mind too, and is a bit jealous, so has a bit of a nag. He then wakes up and in the cold light of day accepts he was out of line. Sounds like a million and one little domestic spats acted out in every house in the country, not a LTB situation.

And AF why can't OP use the word 'spends'? It's what she calls spending money. It might not be what you call it, but so what.

Whocansay Thu 24-Jan-13 08:25:48

Not read all the replies, so apologies if this has already been said!

We also have a monthly 'allowance' after bills / savings that we BOTH stick to. I am the one who generally finds herself 'short'. If I have a big night out planned, I take the money out in cash, put the money that I need for the rest of the month aside and take the rest out. And I leave my card at home. That way, I can have a good time, but know what I have to spend and I've set myself a limit.

This works for me. I would suggest you go out and have a fabulous time. Just don't go over budget or it sounds as if your fella will never let you hear the end of it! Tbh it also sounds as if he's a bit jealous of your night out.

Numberlock Thu 24-Jan-13 08:54:42

Mahikis and bought one of those treasure chest cocktails for £150

Woah, how have I managed to be alive for 45 years and not know about this, mumofmissy? Pray enlighten me!

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