Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
selfish prat - should i seperate?(23 Posts)
need honest opinions - am struggling to make my marraige work - dh wants everything his own way.
most recent is 5am this morning our ds aged 2yrs woke up - i got up brought him downstairs for a botle this usually gets him back to sleep but 15 mins he was crying his eyes out in his cot - this is itself is not a big deal but when this happens i am always caught in a hard place as to how to handle it. you see my dh doesn't like him in the bed and my ds loves nothing more than a cuddle with me (no dh!) . he is my youngest (and last!) child and only boy and a real mammy s boy. so of course and as usual dh starts giving out saying that i have him spoiled, it ridiculous, shouldnt be in the bed, i kiss and hug him to much, hes ruined - am so sick of it. jesus i love my sleep as much as the next person but if the lil man wakes what am i supposed to do??
so ds was falling back to sleep in my arms but as he has a bad cold he has the snuffles. so dh started teling me to get him a tissue to blow his nose. i said hes 2 he hasn't a clue how to blow his nose - he said he should be put back in his cot and the door closed and be left crying. so i got up with ds - couldnt listen to any more of it - cause its the same thing over and over everytime someting doesnt suit dh he starts ranting and raving. he doesn't want a wife and children he wants a maid and a few robots that will do exactly as they are told and sleep 12 hours a nite.
so is this normal behavior?? - i am so sick and tired of it.
"selfish prat" is right... And then some.
I guess you have tried talking to him about this? When does he look after the kids... If indeed he does?
It is very easy to judge another's performance on a job you don't do yourself. Perhaps he could do the 5:00am shift 3 days per week.
I also have a 2 year old who likes to get up at about 5:30. I call him my "rooster".
What exactly is the point of your husband? He sounds horrible and disposable
He sounds jealous to me. He is also not showing empathy towards your son's concerns - milk and having a cuddle, feeling a bit poorly. If this isn't a one off then id be making plans to be on my own. He's going to make you and the DCs feel confused and worthless. He sounds like a bit of a c* tbh, sorry.
I'm sorry but, unless there are other, more serious examples, I think you sound as bad as each other. He isn't totally wrong any more than you are totally right. He may be selfish about who shares his bed but you don't seem to want to consider another person's point of view either. Rather than childishly digging your heels in, refusing to compromise & setting up a situation where everyone ends up annoyed with each other in the early hours of the morning (when tempers are often not at their best) why not talk about this calmly, as adults, and work out a better way to manage it?
If this is just the tip of the iceberg and every disagreement ends up with you locking horns or him demanding his own way then maybe you're just incompatible.
"he said he should be put back in his cot and the door closed and be left crying."
No. I think this is the only bit I really disagree with in your post - no, the little boy isn't well, that is NOT the right thing to do for him.
As for the rest, well perhaps your H feels like the baby has usurped him and he's not happy about it - do you think he's got a point, or not? be honest with yourself about it.
Schooldays, this is how I felt before Christmas, exactly the same, I couldn't do right for doing wrong. He was constantly ranting and raving, choosing to side on what's best for him all the time not what was best for his baby or me. He had no respect for me and by Christmas I actually felt anxious all the time.
I'm now single.
My baby is snuggled up beside me in bed.
I'm now happy.
So I guess you know what I'd tell you to do!
As he's your youngest, you have surmounted such issues before in terms of the specifics of what happened today.
The problem is caused by DS's early waking and the effects of broken sleep on both of you. I think you need to arrange a deal to share the early waking/resettling. Cold and other illnesses can throw the spanner in the works all round if you're all below par, though.
I do agree with cogIto's post too despite what I've just said, I think I presumed that there are more serious examples. (maybe I shouldn't have done?!)
thanks for replies. this is an ongoing issue tbh - not just about ds but hes like an overgrown child and if hes tired at all everyone is wrong but him - he was only apologising to me on monday for being a grumpy sh*t all day sunday. he always blames problems at work, or being tired on this stupid and unfair outbursts. he really is jeckle and hyde.
i am a lil anxious also because i am pretty sure i am going to be made redundant (am meeting my boss tomorrow) so the thoughts of relying on dh for money sends a chill up my spine! he is notoriously mean and breaks promises all the time - so i cannot imagine what it would be like relying on him for cash -
long history of ups and downs in our marraige and he always says sorry but ends up letting me down again and again. on the other hand hes not nearly as bad as he used to be (i guess he used to be so awful that my standards of what i expect have gotten very low!)
worst thing is i was so tired this morning that by 7.30am i was giving out to my 4yr old to hurry up for school etc. - he just stresses me out so much and then i take it out on the dc's - which is totally unfair on them i know.
He sounds like an arse.
Heed hyperballad's words!
Assuming you'd prefer to remain together than apart (?) the challenge is to convert the 'sorrys' into improvements in attitude and behaviour. Find some compromises. Learn to communicate. Have some action plans rather than vague promises. Work out a better way to manage the finances. Make the time to listen to each other and appreciate what concerns there are whether it's about children, work, money or looming redundancy.... not just expect the other to know you're stressed. I also think you can go a long way by expressing appreciation to each other. Nothing breeds resentment like feeling taken for granted. Being courteous... saying please and thank you... is important.
we have talked and talked and even went for counselling - he always pretends that he 'gets it'and it really sorry and then just goes back to his ususal behaviour after a week or two
Some people are just incapable of ever putting anyone else first. He thinks his needs surmount everyone elses. Very hard to change and reason with a twat like that.
Sorry but he'd have to go x
I think it is difficult to give the advice you are seeking when all we have is one little snipet of one event.
I sounds like there is so much more boiling under the surface. And I appreciate you might not want to type it all here. But, without some more information, it's difficult to know who is being unreasonable.
I also think, if you are considering separation, you might want to compare how your life is now to how it will be then. If you walk (or he does) and you are made redundant, will you be in a better place than you are now?
Do you want to fix this marriage? If you do then you should be seeking advice on how to do that? If you are just looking for confirmation that you should end it, then I wonder if perhaps your decision has already been made and what you are looking for is in fact support?
If he is tired all the time, ask him to see a doctor - there can be underlying physical causes and tackling them will help. And look to your own needs - could you be suffering from chronic sleep deprivation: I certainly did for a while, and only saw what a killer it was (in terms of magnifying my irritability) once I had started to make some changes that improved my energy levels and resilience.
It also seems like both of you need to communicate better about how domestic chores are divided and family time is enjoyed. And it'll be easier to achieve this if exhaustion is not clouding things for either or both of you.
i know from experience that having frank conversations with dh really gets me no where in the long term. sometimes it works for a few weeks some times a few days but usually the behaviour doesnt improve. he obviously thinks his needs are more important than mine and even ours dc's at times but then he can me very cooperative and loving other times - heres where i get confused.
he used to be a very agressive bully but over the past year he has calmed alot and the house is a much nicer and safer place for us but he still has this weird behaviour that doesn't feel right. sometimes i think it not too bad at all and that its normal to be narky sometimes etc etc - sometimes i think im still caught up in the past and cant rationalise the behaviour i am witnessing now as im still hurt from previous encouters, sometimes i think its even my hormones - its just so confusing.
am really annoyed by dh attitude to me and our ds - and the fact that he really didnt give a sh*t about ds or me because it was 5am and it didnt suit him to be disturbed. so no way in hell would i have left him to deal with ds while i went downstairs or into another room or whatever. he was so annoyed and so ignorant that our ds wouldn't be able to blow his own nose - it was like he was going to try and force him to do it
situation is now - dh came in from work yest eve and while eating his diner and in front of dc's he said - cool as a breeze 'sorry about that last nite'- you could just tell he didnt mean it / or didnt appreciate how out of line he was on so many levels.
so i slept last night in the spare room (not for the first time) and here we go again on this cycle - which as i say is so confusing. its not violent, im not scared of him (once was but not now) but yet he is still calling all the shots.
He doesn't sound like a nice man, or a suitable companion in the long term. And, you sound so worn that you have given up.
How old are the other DCs?
If you were to separate, then what would your life be like? Job? Placae to live? Children's schools? Any family around for support? What about childcare?
I think you can stop considering your hormones as a possible cause.
If you want to stay and save your marriage, I think you should:
1. Sort out what your expectations are for him (in the long term, not for a three week stint of best behaviour)
2. Present the above expectations to him and make it clear that the judgement will be in the longer term... say in 6 or 12 months.
3. Develop your exit strategy if you decide in 6 or 12 months he has not improved (or not enough).
4. Make it very clear to him that this is the last chance, and you will not be persuaded by a short term burst of mr. nice guy.
But, only do this if you are well and truly prepared to follow through with the separation. SAying "I've has it" and actually being prepared for life on your own may be two very different places.
"he used to be a very agressive bully "
So now he's swapped violence for a different kind of bullying.... There's more than one way to bully someone. You should have kicked him out years ago.
What do you get out of this relationship now, something keeps you within this so what is it?.
I presume you have stayed in the hopes that one day he would wake up and chang for the better. You're wrong there; such men like this do not change and are quite happy to make their wife the scapegoat for all their inherent ills.
He's neither a decent H to you nor a good dad to his children; is this really the role model you want to teach them about relationships?. This is not fit for purpose. You cannot make what is ultimately a failing relationshp work on its own; both parties have to want to put the work in.
I got out before - we seperated for about nine months - i stayed on in our house with the dc's and he moved out. found it extremely difficult managing on my own - the fact that i was an emotional wreck and totally exhausted after a pretty crap couple of years being verbally and emotionally abused didnt help,
what happened was he got counselling and anger management and we eventually got back together as i was sure (well kind of sure) that he had learnt his lesson and that we could move on. the one thing he always had in his favour was that he was such an amazing dad - endlessly patient and loving, adored his dc's. so that is why it is such a surprise to see him not give a sh*t about his ds at 5am IYKWIM.
Also totally pissed off that his apology is so robotic for want of a better word.
Whats keeping me in now - is hope (false hope probably), the fact that he is alot alot better now than he used to be, 90% of the time he is great, exhaustion and wondering if i have the will to go through the ordeal of getting him out again.
However, as i said i am not scared of him but the future kind of scares me. I dont have any security - i got made redundant today and the thoughts of being dependent on him is awful because he is so tight and secretive about money (even on the day of my redundancy its all about him!!)
Also, he works for himself and he is going to be audited by tax man next month and when i asked him if everything is in order he said "yes as far as i know" then weirdly repeated "everything is in order as far as i know anyway". (his has an accountant) but i found this a very peculiar answer - sort of vague isnt. TBH i am expectin him to be landed with a huge tax bill as they must be something dodgy going on with that peculiar answer. What do ye think??
I think sometimes even if he had turned into a saint i would find it impossible to trust him after all that has happened.
How many dc do you have and how old are they?
Do any of them have any conditon which makes it particularly challenged for you to cope as a single parent?
If not, and setting aside the effects of the crap couple of years you've mentioned, what made it difficult fo you to manage on your own and what would you do differently if you were to go it alone again?
i have a 2yr old a 4yr old and a 15 yr old. i was a single mother with my older child for many years before i met my now H and found it no problem - we had a great life tbh.
and definately if i seperated again i would do it so differently. last time due to the circumstances my family and friends were very shocked by what had been going on behind closed doors. the amount of hours i spent on the phone to siblings and friends and the amount of nights i had 'friends' over late drinking wine with me explaining and 'getting it off my chest' etc was incredible. i had an insatiable need to speak after so long keeping the good side out and of course people are nosey feckers and were agog with such an insight into my life. BUT not one person offered to let me have a night out, a lie in, was i ok for groceries you know - practical help. So if i do it again i would be keeping my cards a little closer to my chest and asking my family for more practical help and less of the gossiping please! Hope that makes sense!!
Also, was trying to hold down a full time job in a new company that i had been transferred to - the pressure of keeping it all going - i would have taken some time out to heal - in the end i got quite ill and was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and that is how i started communicating with DH again - (and the rest is history as they say...........
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.