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Help advice pls ! He won't accept we are over

(17 Posts)
elt37 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:10:57

After being with someone 3 years non stop arguing moving in and out together several times. I know it's over but he won't accept it at all please has anyone been through this .
Main reasons we don't work s that he is emotionally abusive (I think) and he is obsessed with house being cleaned day and night not unusual for him to be up at 2am doing housework . This may sound funny but anyone who has lived with an insomnia sufferer will know how tiring draining it is . Ive tried my best to please and make him happy but nothing is ever good enough !

I really wanted it to work as we have an amazing daughter 18 months but I can't take pressure arguing anymore.

I've told him a million times but he just won't accept it he thinks we should stay together .

We currently live apart .

Any advice on how to handle him appreciated

elt37 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:12:10

By way I feel like I'm trapped in this situation and it's really getting me down and very upset

something2say Tue 22-Jan-13 21:14:33


Don't respond to his contact attempts at all.
You want him back? Reply.
If not, don't at all.

Set strict contact times and stick to them.

Also don't answer the door to him.


deleted203 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:20:28

Agree with something. It's not hard. You just don't answer texts/phone calls/doorbell unless it has something to do with your DD. Everything else is ignored totally. So you respond to a text that says 'What time can I pick up DD?' by a simply '10.00am'. Any text that begs you to take him back you ignore. If he mentions anything about the relationship when he comes to collect DD you simply say, 'I have nothing further to say. If you continue then we will have to re-arrange where you collect DD so that I am not present'.

elt37 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:23:35

Thanks both yes i must be stronger I have tried to break contact except for daughter but I always seem to get drawn into a conversation about us . Even if. Start of strong I literally have to threaten calling police or my brother to get him out house ( not becos I'm frightened but becos he just nt hearing me and accepting it )

dequoisagitil Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:35

Don't have him in the house.

If he has a key, change the locks. If it's that he just pushes past, get a door-chain and keep it on when he comes around.

Actually call the police. Get the authorities involved and have him suffer legal consequences for harassment if he refuses to leave you alone.

You don't owe him a relationship. You don't even have to hear him out.

perfectstorm Tue 22-Jan-13 21:28:33

Arrange for a third party (relative?) to manage contact handovers. Serously, he sounds obsessed. If I were you I'd be troubled about his having unsupervised contact with the child, and I am usually very annoyed when people ponder limiting contact. A contact centre might be a very good thing indeed - he doesn't sound like other people's needs even cross his mind.

elt37 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:34:41

Yes I've thought that before having someone else present or to hand my daughter over. I have always encouraged him to be a part in her life and that will never stop (unless really necessary) but I know he will mess me about with plans he is always late not just half hour but could be coupe hours . He also says if we can't live as a family then he doesn't want to know see his daughter. It just makes me feel so guilty all the time but I know we aren't right together

dequoisagitil Tue 22-Jan-13 21:42:01

If he cares so little for his dd that he wouldn't see her but for the chance to get back with you, that's not something for you to feel guilty about. It makes him even more of an arsehole, but that's his choice. He is a father, whether he chooses to be a shit father or a good one is on him entirely. It isn't dependent on you being with him, it's separate.

tribpot Tue 22-Jan-13 21:46:09

So he's trying to emotionally blackmail you into having a relationship with him as a condition of him having a relationship with your daughter? His own child?

Stop encouraging him to be part of her life. Don't discourage him either but your relationship with him is over and it sounds like he see your dd as a pawn to be manipulated. Why would you want that for her?

If he's late - you've gone out. Don't have a conversation with him, do formalise your contact arrangements (and definitely have someone else present). Stop trying to please him - he sounds awful.

elt37 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:56:22

Yes I think I'm going to wait till he next calls then say is it about our daughter and try and give him chance to make an arrangement to see her .f not I'm going to have to hang up on him . Just got to be strong and keep doing it.

I've tried before for couple months but he always wears me down

Thanks all for your advice I thought maybe I was the one in the wrong.


tribpot Tue 22-Jan-13 22:36:50

Why allow him to get into your head through a phone call? At a time of his choosing? I would write formally (pref through a solicitor) asking him to cease all contact which does not relate specifically to arrangements to see his daughter. Agreement to be reached on regular days for contact, with handover being conducted by a third party. End of.

quirk Tue 22-Jan-13 23:53:20

You clearly know you need to not be in a relationship with him. He clearly knows how to push your buttons to manipulate you into seeing him.

You can't control his behaviour, but you can stop him controlling yours. Relationship counselling for you could help you find the strength you need to keep him out of your life and help you and your dd move on.

Once he realises he can't control you by withholding contact with dd, he will have to decide for himself whether he can step up and be a decent father.

Splitting up with an abusive man is a GOOD thing. Remember this and move on.
Good luck xx

wolfandi Wed 23-Jan-13 00:21:57

Seriously - I'd avoid speaking to him on the phone. Conduct everything in writing - text/email/solicitors letter so you have a record. Make sure your messages are polite, to the point and clear. I'm on my phone so typing this is tricky, but I'm sure other posters could advise you of the best wording regarding contact arrangements and to tell him to stop contacting you or coming round.

A strong chain on the front and back door sounds like a very good idea too.

perfectstorm Wed 23-Jan-13 10:53:31

^ He also says if we can't live as a family then he doesn't want to know see his daughter. ^

Please stop encouraging him to be part of her life. Don't block, but don't encourage. He is profoundly emotionally abusive. I would also email him asking how he can say that, and doesn't he care what dropping in and out of her life would do to her? Because you may need a record of that in future, if (as I very much hope it won't) the emotional abuse transfers to her, as the sole remaining means of getting to you. Too many women lie about exes as a way to remove them from the child's life, so you should, if possible, get an email exchange that demonstrates his conduct that you can retain for later, if need be.

Emotional abuse can cause lifelong scars for a child. Please be aware that he is not going to treat her any better than he has you. I'm worried for your daughter.

perfectstorm Wed 23-Jan-13 10:55:26

Don't communicate via phone at all. Say you don't want the direct contact and it needs to be via email, to give a little distance, in future. That way you have a bit of a chance to prepare yourself before reading it, a chance to think about the response... and the record of all contact between the two of you, should he try to use the legal system and child residence/comtact to harass you later.

perfectstorm Wed 23-Jan-13 10:56:45

I'd not use a solicitor for that at this point. Firstly because it'll be very expensive and secondly because he's far less likely to come across as the nutjob he is.

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