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(9 Posts)
minkembra Tue 22-Jan-13 15:37:46

Have just split from my bf. after 7 years of complicated relationship and his anger mismanagement I have had enough.

I have tried leaving before but ended getting back and don't want to do that again but my head is in turmoil.

Separation is easy enough as although we have kids we don't live together.

I think I need counselling to deal with all the issues this relationship has caused and the sooner the better.

but where? Cannot really afford Relate. if i go through GP do I need a specific kind of counsellor or do they all do relationships? my work has a phone line but i don't fancy phone counselling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jan-13 15:40:58

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme? That's often recommended for women who have been victims of male abuse.

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 16:20:30

Locate your nearest WA offices here: and ask when the next Freedom Programme is due to commence.

If the course takes place during the day give consideration to undertaking it online if this conflicts with your work commitments.

If you go through your GP, ask to be referred for assessment to a NHS psychology unit in order that you can receive the most appropriate form of counselling/psychotherapy for your particular circumstances.

minkembra Tue 22-Jan-13 16:35:43

I would not say I have been a victim of abuse. that would be to downplay what happens to people who have had it properly tough and also make him out to be worse than he was.

He just has phases of being very shouty, angry and very tense and not good at accepting which things were his responsibility. And life is too short to spend it being shouted at and blamed for things that are not my fault. Finally realised I can't change him.

we had a pretty imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship but it did not extend to actual abuse.

so I wouldn't want to go taking up a place at a service that is for people who really, really need it.

I just need to talk to someone about thing like- I think I have often taken him back because I want hear him to say sorry and dealing with the realisation that he is not going to change and the guilt i feel about letting my kids end up in a single parent family.

(although in many ways it has always been a single parent family as we never lived together and although he looked aftyer the kids for a few hours here and there, I did almost all the hard work so that transition it less painful than it might have been)

so more relationship counselling for someone who has had a difficult relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Jan-13 16:43:14

Seven years of being shouted at and constantly blamed means you are the victim of emotional abuse. You don't have to have a black eye or a broken arm to be subjected to violence. To accept that you've been a victim doesn't downplay the experience of others. The fact that you think there are others more deserving and that you're overstating what happened to you suggests to me at least that you'd benefit very much from the Freedom Programme. It'll help you understand exactly how emotional abusers operate, how they warp your judgement, make you feel guilty, crush your spirit, and psychologically manipulate you into staying around.

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 18:58:32

I fully concur with Cog. It's often the case that those who have been subjected to prolonged verbal and emotional abuse don't recognise it for what it is, or see themselves as 'victims' of dv.

The fact you didn't live together doesn't in any way minimise the long term effect of a dysfunctional relationship with an habitually angry man.

As for you depriving a woman who 'really, really needs' a place on the freedom programme, this is unlikely to happen as these courses are often undersubscribed.

Dillie Tue 22-Jan-13 20:26:11

So sorry you are going through this.

I cannot stress enough the importance of counselling. I am doing hypnotherapy at the moment to help me with the stress and anxiety caused by an increasingly messy divorce and my stbxh emotional abuse. The abuse wasn't as bad as some of the experiences on here, but none the less it still wore me down to the point of needing professional help for the 3rd time.

My therapy is private so I have had to dig very deep into my holiday savings, but it is well worth the money.

It has helped me understand why the abuse happened and why I was feeling so guilty about leaving. It helped be rebuild my confidence and belief in myself and more importantly be who I want to be.

Not sure if this is any help to you, but have a chat to your gp and see what they suggest.

minkembra Tue 22-Jan-13 23:40:23

Thanks all. will try the GP.

at least i gave the advantage that I am used to running my house for myself so there is no financial mess to sort out.

Onwards and upwards.

minkembra Thu 24-Jan-13 23:11:40

Getting counselling through a work service. starts next week.

Wish me luck.

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