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So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

(302 Posts)
Beckett3 Tue 22-Jan-13 02:56:02

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently sad what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

Skyebluesapphire Tue 29-Jan-13 20:29:15

amamini I had the nuclear bomb on 24 February..... My Xh did the same, made the decision, had decided that I was unhappy as well as him and walked out on me and 4yo DD....

I too still struggle to make sense of what happened. I begged him to try again, even after he betrayed me.... I divorced him ASAP for several reasons.

There are so many sad stories like ours on MN, yet when I joined, I had never heard of anybody just walking out of a marriage in RL.......

Beckett - I hope you are doing OK. You are not alone, MN is here for you, and we will all help you

Beckett3 Wed 30-Jan-13 08:38:51

I'm starting to realise I'm not so strong, my friend who's been taking my eldest to school for me (her eldest goes there too) is ill today but still came out despite being sick most of the night and I feel so guilty, I did ask around to see if anyone else could do it but no one could at such short notice and I've just walked in the kitchen to see my youngest has forgotten her lunch box and I nearly broke down on the phone asking the school to let her know before she notices because she might get upset. Got off the phone and cried, I feel so useless.

CremeEggThief Wed 30-Jan-13 08:57:41

Oh Beckett <hugs>. I would be the same. Even now, when something goes wrong, the most minor thing, it can really throw me and even ruin my whole day. As long as everything's going to plan, I cope, but if it doesn't, it's a different story....

TeaMakesItAllPossible Wed 30-Jan-13 09:14:40

Crying is normal. Believe it or not, it's good. You need to have an outlet to the crap you're dealing with otherwise, like a pressure cooker would, you would blow.

You will have days that are up, days that are down. And you will be able to manage really difficult tasks but will crumble at small tasks. It is being human - and in particular you are pregnant and human brew.

Not sure whether it will help you, but it helped me going through something similar, but there was a piece of research done in the 1960s by a lady called Kubler-Ross about the stages of grief called the change curve. It shows the emotions that people go through following bereavement. It has subsequently been used to help people go through all sorts of change and I used it to help myself understand how wobbly my emotions were (I was usually able to pinpoint a new piece of information or change in circumstance that was sending me back to the beginning again) and help me understand how others were reacting to the situation - it helped me realise that they might need more information, for example if they were in denial.

Change Curve if you're into that sort of thing

Apologies if you think it's a load of old bollocks.

And you are strong because you'll put in place plans that will prevent those two little things happening again.

mistlethrush Wed 30-Jan-13 09:32:18

Beckett - I don't know if it would help to get a really positive focus for your energy during the day and start studying for the theory part of the driving test? It needn't take too long to learn to drive and that would give you so much more freedom and make you feel more in control. (you might want to look into getting something that keeps the seat belt away from your bump). Could you make that a goal that would help both you and your children?

Beckett3 Wed 30-Jan-13 09:42:17

That is a good read, thank you, I do have acceptance but I keep dipping into the lowest part of stage 2.

The hardest part other than how badly he's treating the children and that he now doesn't want anything to do with this baby that he wanted not so long ago, is thinking of all the things we planned, of all the things I'll have to do by myself.

It really is the small things.

It's making me so determined that things won't be like this ever again.

mistlethrush Wed 30-Jan-13 10:08:47

Surely they'll be better to do together with your lovely children without having to tell them to be quiet and being the fun mum that clearly has been smothered under a self-imposed blanket to become the person that 'he' wanted you to be?

Don't be constrained by your old plans with him - those can be thrown out and you can make your own plans. Asking your oldest to be part of that - and even involving the other two on making the plans will help you to create your new future life together.

Even if there are things that you had planned and still end up doing - make them special to you and the children

Beckett3 Wed 30-Jan-13 10:17:58

Oh I know all of that and I'm looking forward to making a new, more fun future where the children are involved more and will be able to do more and I most definately prefer this to how things were before, for me anyway and I hope one day the children will see it too.

mistlethrush Wed 30-Jan-13 10:25:45

"the children haven't really noticed his absence that much and when he came round Friday they didn't cry when he left. He did used to get angry with them alot and they told me that I'm a lot funner now, which I realise is because I'm not having to tell them to be quiet so much or not to run around everywhere incase it upset their daddy."

They already do - you're clearly doing a fabulous job with them as their mum and they don't actually 'need' him - what's happened already proves that.

TroublesomeEx Wed 30-Jan-13 10:52:32

Oh Beckett I did the exact same thing with my daughter's lunch. I phoned the school to ask them to give her a school dinner because I just couldn't get my head round it all and they did.

But I cried on them. sad

And yes, my stbxh told me it was all my fault because I'd never really loved him. And that I wasn't happy either. He described a relationship that I certainly wasn't familiar with. And I had little or no right to reply either.

He's currently trying to be uber friendly. He's even arranged for his mother to babysit so that he can take me out! I mean WTF is that all about!!! He didn't ask, just phoned and told me. Crazy.

You are doing fantastically well. My son (14) told me a few weeks after he'd gone that he was really proud of me for how amazingly I was doing. I wasn't really. I was crying all the time, not eating, not sleeping... but I was keeping it together for the children.

And that's exactly what you are doing. And your children will be proud of you too.

I've also found that just taking control of the little things, making lists of things that need to be done and doing them is really helping. It's too early days for you to be doing that yet, but everytime I get something done I feel a sense of accomplishment. However small. The first day my daughter got to school with her glasses, hearing aids, book bag and her lunch and all before the classroom door closed was a day to be proud of indeed!

I don't mean to talk about myself, but it was really helpful to me to hear that other people had been through almost exactly the same things. It gave me hope and a sense of normality in a completely abnormal situation. If that makes sense.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Wed 30-Jan-13 13:44:44

Beckett I think what you're saying is normal - what you're doing is recognising the future you had planned and the relationship you thought your children had with their father and mourning it. You have to do that to let it go.

But there is a lovely, fun and different future out there for you. I set myself a series of challenges to test my ability to be a good parent and know I could provide a future that was fun for me and my boy. It ranged from knowing I could spend a Christmas and Easter by myself and not wallow too much, go back-packing with DS, deal with a family crisis alone. I had this mental list that I gradually ticked off. And it was very life affirming. I got to the point where not only was I confident in myself and my ability to have fun but I was content. And it was lovely watching my little boy go from a very controlling environment to doing things for himself.

WRT to the children's relationship with their father I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to change what will be. You can't anticipate what it will be in one month, one year or one decade. I think you have to recognise you're worried about it, know that it upsets you and accept that nothing you can do will change the path he is going on.

Oh God Folk .... I'd forgotten ... my XH did the same. And I, stupidly, went because I thought I had to to have a cordial relationship for parenting purposes. He took me to see an Abba tribute band - after years of telling me that only stupid people liked their music. Well, he regretted it big time. All the songs were about splitting up. Laugh. I almost wet myself!

God there are a lot of knobbers around!

TeaMakesItAllPossible Wed 30-Jan-13 13:45:30

And you will keep moving about that curve. Tis normal. A research scientist said it and everything.

ChildofIsis Wed 30-Jan-13 13:59:18

I was in the same boat 16 months ago. Every day I'm gratefull that stbxh left, my life is so much better now; even with the divorce issues and DD's upset at how her dad is with her. It all takes time to settle and for you to discover that a better life is out there for the taking, one that doesn't involve control and mindgames. Good luck.

Beckett3 Thu 31-Jan-13 14:26:28

I seem to be very emotional in the mornings and then as the day goes on I build 'the wall' back up again.

My eldest had a chat with the school councillor yesterday who encouraged her to tell me about what they had discussed. It turns out she's feeling left out from the family, my other 2 are very clingy as a result of what's happened and don't like to let me out of their site for too long, even at night time, which for now is fine with me, what ever reassurance I can give them. But she wants one on one time with me which at present isn't easy, especially being stuck in the house, I do try to stay up later with her in the evenings after the other 2 have fallen asleep, but sometimes I'm just so tired and obviously this isn't enough anyway.

I just explained that it wouldn't always be like this, when I get my licence we will go out but for now everything's a learning curve, I have to spread my full attention 3 ways and in less than 6 months, 4 ways.

Beckett3 Thu 31-Jan-13 14:28:13

Oh and TeaMakesItAllPossible you truly are wonderful, thank you.

Beckett3 Thu 31-Jan-13 19:02:00

I stuck up for myself today, he wanted to know something that I wasn't willing to tell him and he tried to bully it out of me, but I stood my ground! I haven't done that in such a long time we'll forget that I'm still Shaking.

He actually then went outside for a little bit came back in and apologised! (He was here as he had to pick our eldest up from school).

Feeling proud of myself today.

Doha Thu 31-Jan-13 19:12:28

well done--you have stood up for yourself and next till it will be

Doha Thu 31-Jan-13 19:13:02

aghhhh next time it will be easier

funchum8am Thu 31-Jan-13 19:26:44

Well done, that is a big step forward. He will probably try messing you about less if he knows you won't stand for it so it will make life easier. Thinking of you.

Jux Thu 31-Jan-13 22:38:05

Beckett, well done. That is an enormous step, the first time; as Doha says, next time it will easier. Congratulations!

Skyebluesapphire Thu 31-Jan-13 22:54:49

I too mourned the life that I was losing, all the plans we had made, places we were going to go. But friends reminded me that me and DD could still do all those things together. The first time I went on holiday (caravan park) my mum came with me, but three months later at half term, I went on my own, drive on my own , did all the things I thought I couldn't go on my own.

It is a good idea to set yourself goals and things to do to keep yourself busy.

TroublesomeEx Fri 01-Feb-13 10:19:15

It is a good idea to set yourself goals and things to do to keep yourself busy.

That is so true! In fact, the more goals you make and the more things you do the better you will feel.

So even little things like taking his name off the car insurance made me feel so much stronger.

I love it Tea!

TeaMakesItAllPossible Fri 01-Feb-13 11:55:09

Yey. Goooooo Beckett.

Keep up the good work of knowing what you want and making sure it happens. And being assertive. Over time I found it easier to do "arrangements" by email. I refuse to answer any with controlling, bullying or nasty elements and only respond with factual information - remembering at all times the MN mantra of "no is a complete sentence"

Erm. And blush. Erm. Get on with doing nice things for you.

LovesPeace Fri 01-Feb-13 12:29:18

You rock, Beckett!

zcos Fri 01-Feb-13 16:00:55

well done! I'm sure you are inspiring so many who are in the position you were when you wrote the op! grin

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