Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

(302 Posts)
Beckett3 Tue 22-Jan-13 02:56:02

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently sad what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

Snazzynewyear Wed 23-Jan-13 17:30:14

Well, what a great foundation their relationship's going to have hmm It'll all come back to haunt them.

CremeEggThief Wed 23-Jan-13 17:34:01

So sorry to hear what you are going through, Beckett3. You and your DC are not to blame and didn't deserve any of this.

What a fucking wanker of a man.

Astley Wed 23-Jan-13 18:48:55

What a knob! You are 12 weeks pregnant FFS. Clearly the OW realises she has got herself involved with a married man, of already 3 children and who was clearly still sleepingwith his wife shock her self esteem must be rock bottom to resort to him.

You have 3 lovely children and very soon you will have a gorgeous, scrummy little baby. He will miss out. All those fabulous new born moments he will miss, but you and your DC will share together.

He will come crawling back. You'll have to look closely as his face will be so close to the dirt you might miss him though.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Wed 23-Jan-13 18:58:40

Isn't it easy to walk out on your life and your responsibilities

Would love to see how good his new life would be if you had said "fine, you stay here with the kids and I'll move in with my parents"

But then he knew you wouldn't because you love and respect your children more than you do yourself

I'm glad your daughter is so supportive. As everyone has said, he is the one who will miss out

Good luck and best wishes

butterfingerz Wed 23-Jan-13 19:07:05

I agree with other posters that the 'I'm not in love with you', 'things have been different since new year' and 'lets be friends' is just a smokescreen for someone who has been a shit exonerating themselves from their shit behaviour.

YOU are not to blame. The thing is, if there is relationship problems - there are ways to deal with them in a reasonable way, go for counselling, trial separation, etc. NOT joining a dating website and sending sexy text messages, that is what shit people do. How does that help ones current relationship?

Gather evidence, you need to see a solicitor and see how the land lies.

TheCrackFox Wed 23-Jan-13 19:07:56

He is an utter cunt.

Get your house in order:

Set up own bank account
Get single occupancy council tax
Get child benifit into your account
Phone CSA (they are his children and he needs to pay for them)
Get a lawyer

Behindthesofa Wed 23-Jan-13 19:15:53

I am speechless. xxx

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 19:37:30

He is going to tell you he's sorry. He's going to say he's being a twat and a fool and ask you to forgive him. He wants you to let him feel better about himself.

He's going to swing from crying and telling you how sorry he is, what a bastard he is and how he's ruined everything to how he'd never have done it if you hadn't made him feel like he had no alternative and how if you'd loved him he'd never have felt the need.

Don't rise to it. You'll only get upset out of frustration when he counters everything you say but that's because he knows he's talking bollocks. You won't be able to convince him, or reassure him, or make him see the truth, he's saying it to deflect all the responsibility onto you so that he can feel better about himself.

Seriously, when I was reading all the stuff on my thread with people saying "sorry sweetheart, but he's doing X, Y Z" and "just you wait and see, the next thing will be that..." and I read them all thinking people were very well intentioned, but they didn't know my husband; they didn't know the man I'd married. That he'd just made a terrible mistake, that he couldn't possibly be what these women were describing. That I probably had done something that had pushed him into it. The poor romantic soul that he is...

And do you know what? Every single one of them knew my husband better than I did. They called it accurately on every single thing.

I really wish you well for the future and can't stress enough that you will be ok. He's the one who's going to miss out on this beautiful family that he no longer deserves to be a part of (but has every responsibility to support).

Shortly after it happened I spoke with my children and told them that we are the team now and that no matter what, the 3 of us are indestructable. We have cried together (I want them to know that I feel their pain but without asking them to make me feel better). School have been great. Everyone who knows them says how well they are doing. And your children will be the same.

We made a habit the first couple of weeks of eating things we liked but that we didn't have as a rule because my ex didn't like it, and we had a few flexible bedtimes where we all bundled up on the sofa eating popcorn and watching a DVD, just to reassure them that there was still fun in our lives and that their dad had ruined it for himself, but not for us.

As I said the other day, my ex is in counselling now to help him come to terms with what he has done, he's had a complete breakdown because of the guilt he feels. But it was his choice. He chose to do it. He deserves to feel this bad.

sorry this was long. xx

quoteunquote Wed 23-Jan-13 19:42:33

What a git,

You sound strong and your children sound lovely,

Get those driving lesson and hope the pregnancy goes well.

H hit a whole new low today and tbh, I didn't think he could get any worse

he going to hit a lot of new lows, that is his thing now.

Today he told me he's been a twat, he's been a cunt etc and he wants me to forgive him, I told him I didn't think it was likely but he could try

he is correct, but those things are to good for him

As for forgiving him, he has no right to ask that ever. If you ever chose to forgive him, that is entirely up to you, but he has NO right to ask you to.

An hour later his mood had completely changed, turns out he had told other woman that I was pregnant and she'd told him to fuck off and never talk to him again, then she'd changed her mind told him she'd 'take him back' if he didn't have anything to do with me anymore

they deserve each other, both are self serving stupid selfish people.

I don't know this man

that must be very hard and frightening for you, for someone who you have shared so much with, to go through such a dramatic change.

his person he's become is mean and cruel

stay away from him, do not listen to his dramas (above), limit the energy that you give him to information exchanges about child hand overs, you need your energy for the positive things in your life, tell him to get support from his family.

and now I'm angry

you are entitled to be, you were robbed, conned, done over and grieving for your planned life.

really want to be spiteful but don't know if that's childish?

No it a normal reaction, but you won't feel better long term if you do act on that feeling,

Shun him until you no longer feel negative when dealing with him,take as long as you need(your needs come before his), explain for your own health and sanity you can no longer give him space for his problems, and would he give you the courtesy of respecting your wishes.

wishing you loads of luck, take care.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Wed 23-Jan-13 19:53:04

Beckett I know you feel spiteful but the very best spite you can throw at the two of them is to get your stuff together and appear to be coping - even if you close the door and fall in a heap.

You will be ok. I'm really pleased you have some support in RL.

Honestly, it's good to divert the mind with practical tasks - to make you feel in control of the situation. A "fake-it til you make-it" type approach.

Do not waste precious energy or emotion thinking about beyond today - it might be that he decides not to have anything to do with the DC but he might not. Deal with that issue when it arises. Today's challenge is to get you and the kids sorted in your new world.

So I know you said you were learning to drive. How many lessons have you had? Have you applied for your theory test? Can you remove enough money from your joint accounts to cover the cost of 20-30 lessons and put them in a separate bank account?

What other practical things have you done/haven't you done?

I'm so sorry he isn't treating you and your children the way you all deserve. He is clearly a knobber.

balia Wed 23-Jan-13 19:58:05

I just wanted to say that the bravery on this thread is incredible. OP, I just think you are amazing, I know you probably don't feel like it now but your kids are so lucky to have a mum like you.

AdoraBell Thu 24-Jan-13 02:18:16

He has asked to be friends, before caving in to the OW like the sniveling weakling he sounds like, and asks you to forgive him.

1- friends don't shit on each other therefore he doesn't qualify to be a friend of yours.

2- forgiving is something that you would do for your benefit, not his. The benefit of forgiving is that we no longer carry the negative emotions. There is absolutely no need to inform them if we forgive, because it's none of their business. Therefore he can stew on it for the rest of his life, you do not owe him the peace of letting him off the hook.

It might be difficult to maintain a civil tone when speaking to him, so try to put it on a professional level. Ever booked a dentist appt.? That's the conversation you need to have. Professional, to the point, no personal comments or chit chat. He's no longer a part of your life because he chose not to be, so he doesn't get to ask you about your life.

Well done for learning to drive, that's fantastic for you.

Build a new normal for the DCs, is there something they'd like that he refused them? Could you start doing new activities with them? I know that will be difficult with a new born but you could make a start.

And get legal help, tell them you agreed to have another baby, expand the family because he wanted another and now he has walked away. Make it clear that you were committed to the marriage and family until he fucked off with someone else. The courts still don't like adultery even in this day and agewink

And remember to be kind to yourself. You didn't do this and don't let anyone tell you different.

Beckett3 Thu 24-Jan-13 10:06:59

I have now reported it to hopefully get it moved.

You all are wonderful, I'd just like you to know how much I've appreciated all that has been said and how much it has helped me to get through this so far.

FairyJen Thu 24-Jan-13 10:17:23

Where abouts do you live? Check mn local boards I'm sure people would rally round o help.

I can't offer any advice as I've not been through this peeved I can hand hold and listen. thanks

Skyebluesapphire Thu 24-Jan-13 19:15:16

These bits really stood out for me.....

*I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

He is an arsehole he says he's felt like this for months, I've only noticed things being 'different' since just before the new year.*

Me and my XH never argued, never fell out, had a good social life, good sex life, lovely home, 4yo DD. In February last year, he announced that he was unhappy, hadnt loved me for some time and walked out. I begged him to come back, he did, he stayed for 6 weeks, being loving, affectionate, lots of sex, then left again suddenly.

Later discovered that he had been texting his best mates wife, over 100 times a day, emailing her, facebooking her, flirting with her etc etc. I joined MN to get some help and advice on his "breakdown" or Mid Life Crisis as I saw it, only to be told by just about everybody, that he was having an affair and I was stupid not to see it.... Thanks to MN, I pushed on with divorce and the Absolute came through in November. My emotions are still all over the place, but better to be on my own than with that miserable excuse for a man.

It is SO sad how these men follow the same pattern every time..... AFTER they meet OW, they then suddenly decide that they have been unhappy for years, that its all the wife's fault, pick as many faults with her as they can find so that they have a good excuse to leave.

Your H is unbelieveable, to try and come back because OW doesnt want him, then to walk again because she changes her mind.

You do not need this man back. I know that you are pregnant and I know how difficult it is for you, but you deserve better than to be second choice.

Get some legal advice, find out about tax credits, benefits etc. Get the Council Tax discount. Get as much support as you can, from friends and family, your midwife, doctor etc.

There is an excellent book that I am reading called Runaway Husbands. They are all the same. Your H is not that special. He is following the well worn path of the script. Read the following thread....

If you want to PM me, feel free, I do know exactly what you are going through, apart from the being pregnant bit......

queenofthepirates Thu 24-Jan-13 19:27:53

Blimey OP, you really are going through the mill. No advice from me, there's plenty of great ideas from other MNers here but just wanted to send you the biggest hug and hand hold today. I think you're amazing to be holding it together.

Your stbx however is perhaps well on the way to writing a book about how to completely screw up his and the lives of everyone close to him. Astoundingly crappy behaviour on his part.

If you're in Suffolk, drop me a line and I'll point you to lone parents groups round here.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Thu 24-Jan-13 20:13:56

What a sad thread. I don't have any advice really but I wanted to say that you seem very astute and sensible. Your DC's are lucky to have you.

I hope things don't take too long to settle down and I hope you get lots of support.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 24-Jan-13 20:40:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Concentrateonthegood Thu 24-Jan-13 20:51:29

Oh OP, I can't say anymore than anyone else but wanted to add support for you and also to confirm that he is a piece of spineless shit. What a prize he has in his new woman. They seem very well suited. Just concentrate on you and your lovely children. You'll be strong for them and get through because we always do.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Jan-13 20:54:50

So sorry. Please look after yourself and your dc's. You will be ok- one day at a time. Nothing else to add but want you to know you have support here x

Beckett3 Fri 25-Jan-13 02:44:37

The children are doing wonderfully, the baby has given them something else to focus on.

I've started making the phone calls about money etc, again we didn't have any, I don't work, he made the money but I was in charge of it.
He's just been paid and I've just cleared most of our bank account, only left enough money to cover a little bit of fuel money, is that legal as he's the one that's earns it? I'm actually shaking as I write this, because I don't do mean and at the moment he has no way of paying any of his bills.

He's just became friends on Facebook with someone With the same first name of the other woman, too much of a coincidence right?
If it is her, which I'm pretty sure it is, he's flirting with her openly on there and if I can read it so can my eldest sad.
Also she appears to have 2 children, I thought I could handle it if he was going off to live a single life, but to swap his children for someone else's!

Beckett3 Fri 25-Jan-13 03:01:21

Oh and he's actually driving around in my car at the moment, even though I don't drive would it be resonable to ask for it back? I'm not sure I want to think about the fact they might have had sex in it and the sooner I get it back the less likely it is for that to have happened, I hope!

SquinkiesRule Fri 25-Jan-13 03:54:39

Take your car back, tell him to drop it off at your house. You will need it when you learn to drive anyway. Stay strong, you and the children will do brilliantly without him. What a wonderful Mum you are being for them.

funchum8am Fri 25-Jan-13 04:17:29

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you op and yes it is legal to withdraw money from your joint account regardless of who earned it. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job for your dc. My parents split when I was ten, though more amicably, and DB aged 8 and I were devastated for a few weeks but mum always made sure we knew we were loved so much, and school, friendship dramas and life generally carrying on meant we felt much, much better within weeks. Sorting regular, predictable contact needs to be a condition of him continuing to see the dc; if he starts buggering about and lets them down try to keep contact minimal if he is not interested, and get him to explain why to them. They need to know this is his choice not yours. Huge will get better in time.

Abitwobblynow Fri 25-Jan-13 04:53:25

Hi Becket, whilst his behaviour is appalling (no excuses), there is only one person that you have any control over, and that is yourself.

There are a LOT of stress things coming out as to the 'story' behind his acting out. ...

and that is, how dependent you are on him. He has to be the big, strong, unafraid provider of a LOT of children - I have no doubt he read the headline yesterday about how much bringing up a child costs and timed it by 4 and wondered how he was going to do it - and another one. You.

What do you mean, you can't drive? How have you got to your age, without picking up this very basic adult skill? This man is trying to do a job, AND be completely responsible for you!
If you can't drive, why do you live in such a remote place? Can you see that the 'rescueing' comes back to one already overloaded man?

Come on, Beckets, time for you to roll up your sleeves and act. Move house closer to town, and book those lessons.

PS I am not telling you anything that I also have had to face [late driver myself, I won't tell you how many times I failed blush] But you know when you go into counselling, they kick your arse too. And I had to face how my helplessness fed into his rescueing, and how what strain that dynamic faces. It doesn't work long term, neither person is living authentically. A group of men who have affairs are the super GOOD ones. They have to learn to get angry and protest rather than run away, and the helpless partner needs to face growing up. This is what this pain has been sent you to learn.

Good luck, I am not panning you but if he leaves you have to do this stuff anyway. So here is a huge pat of sympathy, book your first lesson today and I think you should look to moving otherwise.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: