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So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...

(302 Posts)
Beckett3 Tue 22-Jan-13 02:56:02

and I'm lost.

We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.

We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently sad what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.

I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.

My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.

I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.

Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.

Beckett3 Wed 23-Jan-13 04:40:10

The hatred I feel for him right now is astounding, he came back sat with me to tell the youngest 2, broke their hearts, gave it an hour and a half, then buggered off.

I was and still am dealing with the real fallout. My youngest who's 6 has taken it the hardest, keeps asking me "why did he have to leave?" and actually came out with the words, in-between sobs "I can't live like this".

We're all currently in my bed, I tried to get them to talk to me about things they're now afraid might happen and then to try to help, things they can now look forward to doing.

I do now have plans in place to start learning to drive and my dad can
start driving again next Friday.

He's taking me to the scan in a little bit, but doesn't want to go in, obviously that would make things a little too real for him and everything he's done over the last couple of days has been so incredibly selfish.

Something that seems to be difficult for me to get my head around is, I spend every second, every fibre if my being trying to make sure nothing hurts my children, protecting them with everything I have, and I had to watch someone who says he loves them, hurt them more than anything else ever could!

Tortington Wed 23-Jan-13 04:58:33

id b solicitored up an sendingg a letter from them sorting out money, and visitation times uick sharp.

routine - to set the future - if you let him come and go ass and when - he will let your children down when his next fuck comes along.

get a £10 mobile phone and use the number just to communicte with him via text, do not speak to him, unless answering the door with civility whilst ushering the children off.

get your house in order girl, they often think your world will simply end without them

o it now or do it later - but if you do it now - your showing him your strong and not fucking and fauning about crying over him. which is what he thinks your doing.

Tortington Wed 23-Jan-13 05:00:05

oh an when he asks about visiting times, - tell him you have to get your social life backon track? your not going to be single foreer either - and the baby might one day have a nice man to call daddy
<boom i went there>

Beckett3 Wed 23-Jan-13 05:22:34

Money wise, we don't have any, he has some debt but it's all in his name.

We've agreed on a visiting day for now starting next Saturday and only Saturday, his working hours make any other time difficult and as he's currently living with his mother he's not having them overnight just yet either.

If it was just me, this would be bareable and the tears would have been contained to my bedroom, but when it comes to my children I just can't help it, I can't stand them being in this much pain.

I am trying to get as much sorted as I can, my youngest asks "why can't everything go back to normal", so I'm going to work my arse off to give her a new normal.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 09:11:09

I am trying to get as much sorted as I can, my youngest asks "why can't everything go back to normal", so I'm going to work my arse off to give her a new normal.


My ex came back and spent Christmas with us. It was no hardship on my part, I gave him jobs to do and he didn't have the nerve to say no to any of them!

He doesn't think what he did was ok and spending time with the children and me is only serving to make him feel more distant from us. He can see the tight little unit that we are, the new in jokes, the new normal, the happy contentedness and the love. Whilst he has to be satisfied with cold civility from me, disinterest from our eldest and the youngest is 6 and so naturally all over him, but I know it breaks his heart to leave her at the end.

Tough titties I say!

I hope the little tramp at work was worth it, but given that he's ended with her, and tried begging me to take him back, I doubt it. wink

I still feel devastated that he did this, my trust is shattered and I know that I'll never trust any man again (that's not just down to him, I have big trust issues anyway). But do you know what? I have the children, they're great and I love them. We have great fun together, we're starting to make connections with other people. And I don't feel the need for another man. I'm happy as we are. He is not. And to me, that's the sweetest taste of all.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 09:12:21

Forgot to say, be strong and you WILL be fine. xx

Hullygully Wed 23-Jan-13 09:17:04

<cheers Folkgirl, my new hero>

Beckett, he is a complete cunt.

I send you love.

Take courage from Folkgirl.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Wed 23-Jan-13 09:23:58

Do you have anyone to go with you tomorrow for the scan? Please don't go alone when you're feeling vulnerable.

Ask for your thread to be moved to relationships you will get great support from people who have had to deal with this situation or similar.

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 09:37:31

Thanks Hully!

Beckett, it's not been easy and there have been some very wobbly days, and I expect there will be more in the future. But I lost everyone last year - my mum, my dad and then my husband. But I felt like I entered the New Year with a breath of fresh air.

Your husband has only proved himself to be a complete cunt (and I don't think I've ever said that before). I don't know where you live, but if there's anything I can do...

I had lots of lovely offers of support from MNers at the time and I didn't take anyone up on it in RL but that's because their kind words only gave me confidence that people in the real world would be there for me too if I reached out to them. And they were. Don't be afraid to do that too.

Katnisscupcake Wed 23-Jan-13 09:46:29

OP, I am thinking of you, not only for what you're going through but also for your scan today. Maybe that can be the focus for you and your other lovely DCs now? Let them become fully involved in preparing for their new sibling, choosing things for the nursery, giving them a new project. It won't take away the hurt, but may focus them a little on something other than the pain.

Another one here thinking FolkGirl is inspirational! Sometimes you need to hear from someone who is only a little bit further on than you are, but has succeeded to move forward so positively! Bravo!! smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Jan-13 09:50:52

For your kids, do your best to try to sell the positives of this situation, reassure them that they come first etc. Make some plans perhaps to do something fun this weekend. Some kids like the idea of a two-centre family if it's dressed up as an advantage. He has to be part of this sales pitch as well, of course. Also, wanting to be civil for the children doesn't mean you can't tell them that you and Dad were making each other unhappy. Important they know this kind of thing or the separation won't make much sense.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 23-Jan-13 10:03:26

Practically, as he's moved out I would apply to the CSA (you need money), have his NI number and work details handy when you do this, it speeds up the process

Apply for single person discount for council tax

Make a list of solicitors in your area and see which one you click with and instruct one ASAP.

If you haven't already, set up a bank account in your own name and move child benefit and tax credits to it, inform tax credits of your change in circumstances.

I would also empty the joint bank account and close it/freeze it. But that's me.

Gather all financial papers together, bank accounts, credit card information, payslips and file them safely. Any joint accounts you can close I would close or freeze, as over drafts on joint accounts hold both signatories liable for the repayment of any debts incurred, regardless of who incurred them.

Right now you need to ensure you are financially secure and think what you need to do to survive for the next few months. Tell friends and family and accept any and all offers of support.

Also and this is just me, but I would have a full STD check.

Beckett3 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:42:17

Everyone, you're lovely, especially folkgirl.

My eldest went to the scan with me and everything's good and she loved being able to see the baby bounce around.

H hit a whole new low today and tbh, I didn't think he could get any worse. Today he told me he's been a twat, he's been a cunt etc and he wants me to forgive him, I told him I didn't think it was likely but he could try. An hour later his mood had completely changed, turns out he had told other woman that I was pregnant and she'd told him to fuck off and never talk to him again, then she'd changed her mind told him she'd 'take him back' if he didn't have anything to do with me anymore.

I don't know this man, this person he's become is mean and cruel and now I'm angry, really want to be spiteful but don't know if that's childish?

FairPhyllis Wed 23-Jan-13 17:00:01

He is a CPOS (cheating piece of shit). Totally understandable that you want to be spiteful, but it will probably be more devastating for him if you don't rise to his fuckwittery.

Have you told anyone in RL yet? It would be good for you to have some adult support around you - friends, family?

The practical advice above is good.

Angelfootprints Wed 23-Jan-13 17:03:51

What an utter bastard.

I have gone from tears, to utter anger reading about your "d"h.

I would just tell him to fuck off frankly. Please dont sit around waiting for his decision. He can piss right off.

Beckett3 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:06:09

Yes, I've told people, I'm getting some support and help.

But good god I feel so so alone, trying so desperately to hold it together for the children, not even being able to cry myself to sleep as they don't want to be apart from me even while they're asleep.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 23-Jan-13 17:07:01

So sorry sad I know how much this betrayal must hurt you. He is very much in the affair fog hence his cruelty, selfishness and arrogance - twat angry

You have already received lots of good advice so all I will say is to be kind to yourself and get RL support from friends, family and tell your midwife.

Angelfootprints Wed 23-Jan-13 17:07:27

I agree don't rise to it.

He probably wants you to cry, beg and sit around in turmoil to see if you been lucky to get picked!

Beckett3 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:08:18

Oh and I forgot to say that he has decided, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

I am scared that if he's going to do whatever she says that she might tell him not to see his children anymore too.

EuroShagmore Wed 23-Jan-13 17:09:50

I know you have loads going on right now, but learn to drive ASAP. It will be important in becoming unreliant upon this tvvat. Do it now, before the new baby arrives because it will be much harder then.

Angelfootprints Wed 23-Jan-13 17:12:21

Im so sorry Beckett what a heartless bastard.

If he does, your children need to know its nothing to do with them that he has run off. Honestly , I would plan mentally that he will do this how to minimise damage for your lovely children.

Angelfootprints Wed 23-Jan-13 17:13:06

( and plan for the eventual return where he begs for you all back)

Nancy66 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:19:29

Good god what a shit.

He sounds totally fucked up and unhinged at the moment.
Let him get on with it - just worry about yourself, your kids and the one on the way.

Nancy66 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:20:17

...oh, yes, as Angelfootprints says - if he isn't begging you to take him back by March I'll eat my keyboard

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Wed 23-Jan-13 17:23:06

Piece of shit! I see he's actually admitted it was more than a dating site.

My DS1 was 14, saw things in black and white and has utterly lost his respect for his father. He now sees him as a source of money only. My DS3 was 9 and found/finds it difficult, want to be 'fair' to his father, still loves him and misses him. sad DS2 has SN and little empathy, he's not bothered. smile

After a few weeks and 3 stone weight loss I realised I didn't actually miss him at all. I missed some grown up company, and financial security but he wasn't worth crying over. I really do hate him. 21 years together and 15 years married.

You will get through this. It's not easy but friends will want to help. Please take offers of help, think of things you need, sharing a bottle of wine or a takeaway etc. Get to a solicitor ASAP.

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