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So, my husband and best friend has decided he no longer loves me...(302 Posts)
and I'm lost.
We've been together almost 16 years, he's the only man I've ever loved and I love him so much.
We have 3 children and I'm 3 months pregnant with a baby he wanted. The stress this poor baby has been through recently what with my dad having a heart attack just 3 weeks ago too.
I keep trying to hate him, I realise he's given up without trying as his falling out of love with me coincides with him joining a dating site and meeting someone else on it.
My eldest (14) knows and it's destroyed her, I am absolutely dreading us telling my other 2, especially my 10 year old son as he's so sensitive.
I can't help but think of all the little things that I'll never share with him again because he really was my best friend.
Please if anyone recognises me from any of this, could you keep the pregnancy bit quiet, I have had an early scan due to a history of miscarriages but my next one isn't until I guess tomorrow now and I've only told 2 other people apart from H.
What a shit, bastard, arse.
Take deep breaths. Count to 3 as you breathe in through your nose, and count to 5 as you breathe out through your mouth. Do it a few times.
Burn calming incense sticks - lavendar, jasmine.
Get a friend round for the handovers, and let them deal with it while you keep out of the way, then go out with said friend and have cake and coffee.
I would say the same, get somebody to do the handover for you, or do what I do, put all the bags ready outside, kiss DD goodbye when XH stops the van, then close the door.
Sadly you will find that everything that he wouldn't do before , he will do now. It's all par for the course.
XH made me feel guilty about a holiday last March, so I agreed he could deal with work calls while we were away. That gave him the perfect excuse to be on his phone texting OW all the time. When he left, one of the many things he threw at me was that I liked holidays and he didnt. That he needed to concentrate on work. That he was too busy to have DD a day a week in the holidays. Guess who then went to Majorca for a week with his friends.....
The need to impress OW overides everything and they will change everything to become what OW wants and sod everything and everyone else.
It's sad but true
However much of an act he is putting on for OW and her DC (stupid stupid woman to play families with someone who has left his) it is not real, and he is unlikely to be able to sustain it. Although not much comfort, am sorry beckett. You have shown massive patience and self control.
Agree with the others, get someone there to be with you at pick-up, drop-off for a while, and exchange only practical texts/emails.
Could also cut off your source of info about him and OW, it might be better not to know what's going on.
This reminds me of chocoraisin's situation, her partner left her for OW when she was pregnant with DS2 and was horrible to her, she ended up reading him the riot act, unleashing her anger, when he cam for pick-up, having arranged for her family to care for her DS out of sight while she did so. She is great and her thread is inspiring, will try to find a link.
Beckett ... what a Dick he is! though I bet he is feeling guilty and would have both of you probably if he could!
I blush to admit as a teen I told an x he was crap in bed cos I knew it would hurt him and because actually it was good!
I have not been in your situation but as before you are an inspiration keep thinking of all the people who will read your thread in the future and be inspired to carry on!
The way I would play this on Saturday is to 'act' unaffected (without being too obvious).
I would be very normal and loving with the children, wishing them a good time etc.
I would be polite but indifferent to him, because he will hate not having any attention from you, plus he won't have any negative gossip to take back to bunny boiler.
He might sooner rather than later appreciate your strong character and level headedness compared to the headcase he's with.
At the end of the day for me it would be important to keep my dignity and self-respect, because one day he will realise that he cannot hold his head up very high, and will live to regret his appalling behaviour.
Just read the whole thread, you are an incredible woman, and your STBX is pretty much the slime that slugs leave behind. You and your children will build an amazing life with your new baby and he will either be trapped with that nutter or end up alone.
I hope todays hand over is/ was ok x
Today was shit, shitter than shit. I feel like I still managed to hold my own even though I'm not sure I did
Don't know where to start or in which order to go in, so i hope this makes sense!
He turned up in a mood, i told him I didn't care and to have fun but he couldn't help blurting out that the other woman thinks she's pregnant, I think this is hilarious by the way, I probably should be pissed but as I told him I thought this would happen a couple of weeks ago I couldn't help but laugh. He doesn't want that baby either apparently.
He then went on to say he didn't think he could take the children out today unless I went with them! I of course declined so he went to walk out the door, the youngest 2 started sobbing and in the face of that I went with them, just after all the upset he's caused I just couldn't let him do this to them, no matter how fucking awful I felt and how much of a fucking twat he was about it.
He bought them lunch then moaned about the price, he bought them clothes them moaned about how much they cost, he offered to take them round his mums (it's her birthday) then moaned he didn't have the time.
I didn't stay with them the whole time I will add, not that it makes it any better. I got some bits of shopping done.
So bloody awful day for me, but the children loved it. He said he wouldn't do it again but knowing I can't believe anything he says, how can this be avoided again? I know he's never been a great father and has always been reluctant to spend time alone with them, even though they're wonderful . I just can't stand for them to be upset anymore, I think they've had more than their fair share lately
Forgive me for not being up to speed, but has the divorce come through yet and have you got a residence agreement in place?
I think any situation where you can be manipulated like this and the children face disappointment unless you come to the rescue needs to be avoided at all costs. If you're still waiting for the formalities to be drawn up, I think a solicitor's letter stating that when he sees the children he must stick to the arrangements and see them without your involvement or participation might be worthwhile.
Looking longer-term, you will need to be able to make plans of your own when he has the children, whereas at the moment you are 'there' and available to be manipulated because of your love for the children and desire not to see them let down. It's very important for your own welfare and future though that he takes responsibility for the times he sees them and stops relying on you to bail him out.
Hey. Sorry I missed your message on Thursday.
You know what you held your own the best you could. You did what you had to. It's what any good parent would do. And I'm glad that the kids loved it. But I'm sorry that they were upset at the thought of going alone. It might help you to know that I think every child that has separated parents does this or has done this. If you can bear it I would just suggest being very bright and breezy with the kids, talk to them about how much fun they're going to have as they go out the door and let him get on with it. I had to do it and friends/family in the same situation tell me that they had to too. I wept the moment my back was turned or the door was closed. He might bring them back after 30 minutes but it will be a start of a life where you aren't being either manipulated by your ex or abused by his OW as a result. Being in control and making your own decisions has to be your ultimate aim.
How very, very irritating to listen to him moan about things that he's doing for his own kids. I remember having a similar situation with my DS's father. In the end I think I said something along the lines of "I'm not your wife any more, it's not my job to listen to you moan all the time so stop" and I repeated until he finished.
And for you and because really I think you've had your fair share of being upset too
Divorce is very much wanted but I'm not sure I can afford it? I don't have very much money at all. Probably worth a trip to the cab to find out the ins and outs.
I wish someone could be here to do the exchange with him, but there isn't anybody. I do need to come up with some ground rules in the mean time, but I strongly doubt he'll follow any of them.
They weren't upset that I wasn't going, he was refusing to take them at all unless I went
He's already suggested he stays at mine next Saturday and watches a film with them. I know he's restricted on where he can take them as I told him they are never to meet the BB and he doesn't want to spend the day at his mums, if I keep saying no, he might not spend any time with them at all, but I can't stand for him to be here, if I never saw him again it would be too soon.
He's caused all this complete and utter misery and devastation, and he is treating your children like that. What a disgusting man, he hasn't got any shame has he.
I think Charbon's advice is good. Unfortunately you've got to go through all of this mire before you come out the other side.
In the end he will very likely be the one left out in the cold.
Jeezus. What a twat. You're right! Twat.
If you don't want him in your house you really don't have to. He will have his teeny tiny tantrum and you ignore it like you would a toddler. And carry on providing a positive narrative to husband at the kids level "your Dad's just being silly, why would he drive all this way, he's just saying that to get his own way etc." You are within your right to say no, equally if that's what you're happy doing then that's your right too. Ultimately, it's just about you being happy with the choices made.
I would get to CAB to see what's going on. I didn't spend very much on mine at all - I just used solicitors to manage the interface with the courts and "trouble-shoot" I've read on here that legal aid is going for divorce in the next few weeks so I would make the cab conversation a priority.
If you lived closer to me - even an hour or two away - I'd do your first two handovers. I would just smile, nod and wave at him. Shame we live at opposite sides of the country
Beckett please take advantage of legal aid while it's still available and get some legal advice. In the meantime, say a firm 'No' to him staying in the house for any time at all.
He's not restricted at all. There's soft play and shops/cafes while the weather is cold and plenty of outdoor fun when warmer. If he doesn't want to spend the day at his mums so that the children can see their GM, that's his tough luck. All of this is an excuse because the truth is he doesn't want to be responsible for the kids for any length of time. Tough again.
I think you'll start to feel better once you've got the law on your side, but do move quickly.
Beckett - it is your children's right to see their father. It is up to him to enable that. he does not need to be in your house with them. i know that you want them to see him, but he cannot do again what he did today. He needs to commit to seeing them and turn up. I have problems with my XH not turning up when he says he will and then DD gets upset.
In your case it would be better for him not to see the DC rather than turn up and then upset them. Do not allow yourself to be put in this position. He is only putting it on. Where is he living? Why can't he take them there?
If he gives you any grief, then suggest mediation, where you can sit in a neutral place with mediators and iron out contact and finances
Get to a solicitor PDQ, as legal aid will stop very soon for divorces. Do it this week. The first thing you need a solicitor to do is what Charbon suggests - outlining the rules of contact. Do not, under any circumstances, allow him in your home. He will use whatever he can against you, and is more likely to find things he can twist if he's there, than if he takes the children out - as he should be doing.
If he complains, well, he's the one who chose this so it's just bloody hard cheese. If he won't see the children as a result, well, they're probably better off in the long run. Don't tell them he's coming to avoid their disappointment, until you see him. Then shove them out the door and close it firmly before he gets too close to it. Keep notes too. It's all going to be helpful later in the divorce process.
Beckett having read all ur posts all i can say is that he really is a tosser and as for bb well no comment.
You and the children deserve far better than anything he can offer. I fully understand the sense of anger that you are experiencing (am there as well) but thats his loss not yours and no doubt he will pay in time.
As for yourself you have shown alot of strength and the love you have for your children is clear. It will get better and you are worth far more than that twat.
Sending you and your children hugs x
Sending you all my best wishes beckett3, you are doing an amazing job
Just a hopefully short update but you never know!
Not entitled to legal aid but I have been given some help on how to do a DIY divorce and have been setting some money aside which hasn't been easy but I'm trying.
My driving lessons are coming on really very well, my driving instructor is a great guy who my dad used to work with and he thinks I should be ready for my test end of April! Yes I'm prioritising my driving above the divorce, it's more of a needs must kind of thing.
I'm now 5 months pregnant and just last week found out it's a girl I just love the fact that I get to pick her name, just me, well I'll take my children's thoughts into considersation. She's kicking so much already but has taken to sleeping when I sleep, fingers crossed this continues but history would suggest otherwise.
I recently went to a parents evening for each of the children, a bit worried about what was going to be said, wondering if maybe they were 'pretending' to be ok at home, I shouldn't have been, they're all doing brilliantly, I am just so proud of them all.
The children last saw their father 4 weeks ago tomorrow, which was very exciting for them, he took them to his mothers and spent the 3 1/2 hours he was supposed to spend with them working on a car! He's lost his job, so I expect maintenance to drop anytime now. He's supposed to be turning up tomorrow but at the moment only my son wants to go with him. He's said he won't force any of them to spend time if they don't want to.
I did a rough add up 4 weeks ago and if I'm being generous he's spent 15 hours with them since he left, 15 hours in almost 10 weeks. Outstanding isn't it?
I have been asked how I've managed to get over him so quickly, how I'm managing so well as a single parent. My answer to the first part is just to look at how's he's treated the children, week after week he finds something new to hurt them with. And the latter? Tbh not much has changed, I did everything before except for the driving and I'm working on that. The children are happier now, they seem freer if that makes sense?
Oops not so short after all
Just read some of the thread. Just wanted to say Beckett3 you should brilliant and a fun, inspiring Mum ! His loss !
Agree you sound amazing. Going through something vaguely similar but with not the strength that you show.
Well done x
I have been asked how I've managed to get over him so quickly, how I'm managing so well as a single parent. My answer to the first part is just to look at how's he's treated the children, week after week he finds something new to hurt them with. And the latter? Tbh not much has changed, I did everything before except for the driving and I'm working on that. The children are happier now,
Just incase anyone would like an update
Life is great! I took the children on holiday a couple of weeks ago, not too far from home but we had such a blast.
I have my driving test in a couple of weeks and am car hunting. Passed my theory easily last month.
General day to day life is so much better, freer, happier, for me and the children. I have been told several times by several people how much happier I look!
I'm 6 months pg now, baby kicks lots which I love and after getting on the scales earlier I weigh exactly the same. So as my little miss has been gaining weight I must have been losing it. Not that I've been trying. We're also having such fun trying to pick the perfect name for her.
We are making plans, fun plans. A fun life with less whining, less swearing and a lot less stress.
The ex is still a twat, he did see them that Saturday, for a whole 2 hours, he hasn't seen them since. That was almost 5 weeks ago. He called earlier despite me asking to only be contacted via text but my little girl picked up. He whinged about having to work extra hours to pay for MY maintenance and told me he was so busy that he didn't know when he would have time to see his children. I informed him that it was his children's money not mine and to not get back in contact until he did have time for his children.
I would like to thank every single person that has commented on this thread, each of you and your words have helped me get through all of this more than you could know.
Have only just picked this story up and haven't managed to read it all but I wanted to say I'm so happy that you have come out of this in such an amazing and positive way. I hope nothing but good things for you and your children in the future. One day he will look back and realise he has lost the most extraordinary gift we can be given - his children.
The only loser here is him.
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