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Been here before, how to stop the cycle...

(4 Posts)
sofaday Mon 21-Jan-13 12:57:09

I know the answer but it feels like between me and what I need to do is a huge uncrossable canyon. I almost spent my Xmas vouchers on the Lundy Bancroft book this morning then stopped. I've had enough. I don't want to spend any more money on counselling, waste any more time trying to work him out, worry myself into the ground trying to work out how I have ended up in the relationship I am in.

This time last year I read Should I Stay Or Should I Go (bought with my Xmas vouchers last year) and it was hugely helpful and I decided to stay and commit to the relationship fully and we muddle along for a while then the shit hits the fan and it's all crap again. Been together 15 years, 3 DC, many things have happened in that time and we have been to counselling together and alone repeatedly.

The shit that hit the fan this time was being yelled at for not consulting P and kids about what they wanted for dinner on Saturday night when I was going out with friends. Somehow an argument about pizzas resulted in me being called an arrogant bitch and told to go fuck myself because none else is. Nice. With the kids in earshot.

He hasn't apologised and I've avoided him and slept downstairs. I need time to think. He works full time in a job he hates and is on AD's. The kids are school age and I'm freelance but work is sporadic. I don't know what to do. CAB? God, I don't even know what I'm asking, just had to get it down. I have to not let myself sweep it under the carpet again. Thanks for reading thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Jan-13 13:07:05

How about telling him to clear out for a while so that you can think things through? It does sound like the end of the road but it is very difficult to get your head around anything when the source of all the anguish is still looking at you across the table each morning... You don't need to read a book to know it's unacceptable to be verbally abused over a pizza.

I think your 'uncrossable canyon' could be brought down to size with some RL intervention. Aside from counsellors and keeping Amazon's profits up have you been dealing with this solo so far? Or have you felt able to share the reality with some trusted friends or family?

Once you've got some emotional space (him leaving) and some moral support (friends and family) that might make it feel more 'real' and less theoretical. Next step is then to look at practical matters.... admin, finances, accommodation, legal.

Good luck

50shadesofvomit Mon 21-Jan-13 13:10:18

You can't mend things unless your h is committed to change too. I ordered a self help book and read it enthusiastically but in the end I feel that it was kind of a waste of time as he had emotionally detached ages ago.

I am in the process of leaving my 13 year relationship with 3 kids and I am a freelancer on a low income too. I have changed the child benefit so it's paid to me and submitted a Tax Credit claim as a single parent. Once Housing Benefit and income support also kicks in I will be able to leave with the kids.

13 years is a long time and part of me is incredulous that my h did not want to even try and mend things. I am coming round to the idea that it's in everyone's best interests that we split and I can feel myself detaching by the day.

I know that it's supposed to be good to analyse the questions like why but I feel so drained that I just want to sort out the practical stuff and heal myself before going through all that.

Hugs and support to you..

sofaday Mon 21-Jan-13 13:43:06

Thanks. I have great friends and family but I think I'm a bit like the boy who cried wolf now. It's just more of the same. I have spoken to them though. He has no very close friends or family nearby so the moving out for a while is tricky. We split up before a few years ago for 7 months so I've done the whole finance thing to some extent but we got back together and worked at it. Our youngest was very young at the time. 50shades, it is draining and wise to concentrate on the practical and conserve your energy. Good luck to you. My P will want to try and mend things but he doesn't know how and plays nice for a while but ultimately everything is my fault. I think that's the 'canyon'. I know it will have to be my decision...my fault. A magic wand would be nicewink

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