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Anyone have a DP who's a really picky eater? (Long)

(219 Posts)
gail734 Mon 21-Jan-13 10:42:14

When I got married, I couldn't really cook. I was still living like a student and I was always on a diet. I'd never cooked for more than myself, so you don't exactly learn how to roast a chicken or bake a cake, do you? I was keen to learn though. Four years of rejected dinners later, I have to work really hard to reassure myself that I'm not a bad cook. My DH is an infuriatingly picky eater. Night after night, his dinner goes in the bin. Sometimes I'm sitting eating the same meal thinking, "This is nice." He'll push it around, eat maybe a third of it, then give up. He knows better than to say, "This isn't like my mum's", but that's part of it. Incidentally, I've had his mum's cooking and it really is awful. He's a 33 year old man and I once, when I'd identified a meal that he would eat, gave it to him every night for a week! (It was chicken, new potatoes and salad.) He ate it happily, night after night, then eventually he requested a change. I'm so sick of this and it causes arguments. He never cooks. I think it's disrespectful, if someone has gone to the bother of cooking for you, to refuse to eat it. I grew up in a kind of "clear your plate" home, whereas he would have been allowed to leave whatever he wanted. He'll cover his food in salt and pepper before tasting it, and also go directly from his abandoned dinner to get a packet of crisps, which I find outrageously insulting. When he comes home and asks, "What's for dinner?" I don't want to answer him because whatever I say, he'll pull a face. I have gone on strike, once. I didn't cook for a week. He lived on takeaways before apologising and meekly asking me to start cooking again. Anyone ever had anything similar?

tallwivglasses Tue 22-Jan-13 00:49:25

Just caught up with this thread. It has made me very depressed.

OcotoAlert Tue 22-Jan-13 00:50:03

You live your life as a single parent already.
Why would you keep this useless lump in your life? Why have the burden of his clothes, mess, food to deal with?
Separate. Teach your daughter that she is worth more that being someone's slave. That a loving relationship involves respect, division of labour and shared joys.
Access can be on whatever terms work best - from the sounds of it, he may not be all that fussed about contact times. His loss - truly.

You are a competent, confident woman and mother. Please stop and consider your options here.

OcotoAlert Tue 22-Jan-13 00:51:15

tallwiv appears to have put it more succinctly that I grin

Bogeyface Tue 22-Jan-13 00:51:27

I come from a family that will not tolerate marriage breakdown

Or from a family where women are expected to put up with whatever happens, being grateful for having a husband, and men can do whatever the hell they like?

Did your parents have a genuinely happy marriage or (think about this before answering) do you feel that your mum sacrificed herself at the altar of marriage and your father? Or your grandparents, were they like that?

300 years ago single or married women were not allowed any rights. Their property became their husbands on marriage and the only law that protected them was that they should not be beaten during pregnancy, because it might harm the baby. Widows were the only women with any right over property and were often tricked into marriage as a result. They couldnt vote, if seperated or divorced weren't allowed to keep their children (as they were possessions too), couldnt make any decision without the agreement of a father, brother or husband. Things changed. If women hadnt stood up for themselves and said "HANG ON!!!!!! This is wrong!" then nothing would have changed. Nothing will change in your family unless someone (you?) stands up and says that this is wrong.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 22-Jan-13 00:57:28

If you LTB he won't get the baby every weekend, it starts with every other weekend and the way he is it would be for a couple of hours under supervised conditions, also he'd have to want it. Do you think this man you describe would push for contact with your child?

I'd honestly stop cooking for him and doing his things eg ironing, laundry, shopping, he can do the crisp run every day. Why let it bother you? Also stop covering for your H in front of friends & family.

I have a non existent tolerance level for men who compete with their children, ex used to do that, he'd eat my girls food, suddenly need new clothes or medical attention if they did etc etc. He's an ex.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Jan-13 01:27:32

Save your breath, people, she's going to 'try to work on him.'

She's not going anywhere.

Best is maybe one of the threads for those in EA relationships.

Poor baby.

Gennz Tue 22-Jan-13 02:30:46

Gail I came from a family that didn’t “tolerate” marriage breakdowns, or living together before marriage (my parents are church-going Catholic and we were dragged along for all of my childhood/teen years – to this day I loathe Easter which saw us at church 4 days in a row). Well, my older sister got the full guilt trip about her boyfriend when she was about 25, she consequently pressured him into proposing even though they weren’t very well suited, they didn’t live together as my parents didn’t approve (even though they were in a different city 600km away) they got married, within the year he’d buggered off with a girl from work. My younger brother got married to his live-in girlfriend in a registry office without telling anyone. You guessed it, they are now divorced.

And you know what? My parents didn’t cut them off, or rail about the sanctity of marriage! They were gutted that they’d gone through so much heartache and they realised that their strongly held beliefs about marriage etc were not as sensible as they’d thought they were. (I, on the other hand, am still married to DH after 11 years together, only 4 of them married. Happily lived in sin for years prior to the wedding. Best not to listen to your parents when they’re wrong). Anyway – my point is that your parents might be more supportive of you than you think.

You sound about the same age as me (31), maybe younger? My DH is 35. When we met I was much like you, I was 20, half-way through uni, could barely boil an egg. He, on the other hand, was quite a good cook. Now we take turns cooking, and the other does the cleaning up (stacks dishwasher, cleans pots/benches etc).We split all domestic chores down the middle (we don’t have kids). If he suddenly went on strike like your H we’d be splitting up in no time. The non-interest your H shows your DD is especially sad – if DH was that indifferent to our dog I'd consider leaving him! (I’m obsessed with the dog).

Think about it – if you’re the same age as me you possibly have 2 more lifetimes of putting up with this awful selfish man. Get you and your DD out now and you could have a lovely life without him (and maybe with someone far nicer).

Pilgit Tue 22-Jan-13 07:51:43

Precisely what qualities does this 'man' have? He has no respect for you and no consideration - if he did you wouldn't have come home to a tip after giving birth. This is not how normal men behave - normal men would have taken care of themselves and would have kept the house in order. What does he do in the partnership to excite or please you? As it doesn't sound like much at the moment. We each, in our partnerships, make different choices about who does what however what should never be a choice is respect and consideration - that has to be there, if it is not the relationship is doomed. You will not change him. He wants someone to be his mother. Stop protecting him from people knowing about his treatment of you. Had people come to your house after DD was born and you had said it was because he did nothing whilst you were in hospital - anyone worth caring about wouldn't have judged you, they would have been appalled at him!

This is not your failure, it takes 2 to make the partnership work - this isn't a partnership and only you seem to be making an effort. The term 'flogging a dead horse' springs to mind....

Chandon Tue 22-Jan-13 08:03:54

If you are going to work on this, I hope it involves you STOPPING doing the cooking.

I would not cook for my DH if he did not appreciate it.

I am a SAHM, but I am at home for the children's sake, I often cook as I have more time than DH, and enjoy it. He used to be a picky eater, but his grattitude for anyone cooking food for him meant he taught himself to eat new things as he did not want to hurt my feelings. So now he eats fish, cheese and other things he previously would not have eaten.

He would NEVER leave food and stuff himself with crisps. That is like a slap n the face, can't he see that?

MardyArsedMidlander Tue 22-Jan-13 08:11:28

'I'm doggedly determined to not let him beat me'

HE WILL ALWAYS WIN. I speak from bitter bitter experience. You will end up utterly exhausted and ground down- and still not Good Enough for him. This is because you are sane and he is utterly 100% batshit crazy.
As my nan used to say 'lay down with dogs- get up with fleas' sad

Whocansay Tue 22-Jan-13 08:52:48

OP, when he's made his own dinner, you say he leaves the kitchen a tip. I suspect this is deliberate. You still have to run around after him. He enjoys wielding the power.

He sounds very unpleasant, ill mannered and rude to say the least. I would down all tools until he starts to help out. If you can't live in a tip, clean up, but don't cook for him or do his washing. Or make 'sarcastic' cups of tea! (He still gets the tea, as was pointed out above!). If funds allow, get a dishwasher! It seems that you haven't had much of a discussion with him about any of this, but you shouldn't have to live like this. I grew up in family where each spouse had to 'win'. It wasn't much fun for anybody. And no-one 'won' in the end.

And you shouldn't feel you have to 'win' in a loving marriage.

NotGoodNotBad Tue 22-Jan-13 09:12:19

'I'm doggedly determined to not let him beat me'

If your idea of not letting him beat you is cooking food he throws away, making him "sarcastic" cups of tea and cleaning the house when you get out of hospital with your new baby, you don't stand a chance. Besides, what is "winning"? What is the prize, exactly? Him? Booby prize, maybe!

DeltaUniformDeltaEcho Tue 22-Jan-13 09:34:29

You say you come from a family that will not tolerate marriage breakdown.

Your DD will say the same

She will see that living in a unhappy house with an EA partner is better then breaking up a marriage regardless of how 'Strong' you are.

Moving on, walking away and demanding more for your life is strong.

OxfordBags Tue 22-Jan-13 09:35:42

Making him a sarcastic cup of tea is still pandering to him, still seeing to his whims when he is perfctly able to get his own drinks. It being done sarcastically doesn't matter a jot, it doesn't mean you've created some equality or gained some ground. Even if he knows you're giving it to him with an agenda, he's still getting exactly what he wants. It's not like it's hard for him to ignore your feelings, isit?!

Not only will all this teach your DD she should be treated like a doormat and a skivvy, it's teaching her that theonly way to cope is futile passive-aggressiveness.

NettleTea Tue 22-Jan-13 09:43:59

you havent answered about what he was like before you married. was he a textbook romantic?
I am usually one of the first to say LTB, but something about this makes me think that those who suggested ASD may be onto something.
Its the obsession with food, going well beyond the home. Its the fact that he doesnt seem to actually have a go or anything about the food, just doesnt eat it. and the mess. and the apparant disinterest in the child and lack of sex....
Unfortunately ASD and horribly abusive seem to look very very similar from the outside. But ASD can change things, as those who have said they have it can testify. but it needs approaching in the same way. Its certainly not an easy process though, especially if he doesnt want to accept the diagnosis or acknowledge that he would need to learn to adapt. You need to find out if he is intending to be so hurtful with his actions, or if he simply doesnt care. That would give you your answer.
But, on the other hand, he may be just as abusive as others have said.

NettleTea Tue 22-Jan-13 09:47:24

and to add that IF he has ASD you can make as many sarcastic cups of tea as you like, it wont mean anything to him at all.

mcmooncup Tue 22-Jan-13 09:54:22

Blimey OP what a seriously shit life you are leading.

It's weird when you are in a relationship like this that you must save it at all costs and facing up to the reality that there is nothing to save is very painful. There is nothing "to work on". This is not a mutual relationship, it is a master / slave relationship. This is not a respectful relationship but one filled with contempt and resentment.

If a friend came round for dinner and just got up and put the dinner in the bin without a word, what would you say?

If a friend said they would 'babysit' and then just sat of their arse not even talking to your baby, leaving them in their rocky chair, how would you feel?

If a friend stayed over and left all their dirty clothes and wet towels all over the room, what would you think?

Would these people still be your friend? Would you "work at it" saying that it's OK to have a parent/child type relationship with these adult friends?

You are actually being a TOTAL DOORMAT. You are being WALKED ALL OVER.

Grow a pair quick before your life is over and you have spent it serving an ungrateful miserable twat.

CocktailQueen Tue 22-Jan-13 10:45:14

You said: 'When I say he does nothing, I mean nothing. He's never bathed the baby, fed her. He's taken her for a walk maybe twice, will change a nappy if I ask him directly, which I very rarely do. He's not interested in her. ... he thinks an infant's food should be rationed and they should be left to cry - would you let him babysit?

Didn't you TALk about aspects of having a child before you got pg? Didn't you talk about what you each expected and what it would involve and all the rest of it? Why haven't you tackled any of this crap behaviour before? You're just being a complete mug and letting him walk all over you, enabling his behaviour. It is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR. Any of it. ANY. I'd ask him to leave. what does he bring to you or your baby? What? Is there anything positive at all?? He's lazy,selfish, non-loving, cold, abusive, no social skills, a crap father, doesn't respect you - sorry OP. I am furious on your behalf that he could be such a twat and you're still not thinking about leaving him.

Lueji Tue 22-Jan-13 10:52:40

I worry about the sarcasm you use.

As other said, it's still pandering to him, and sarcasm isn't healthy in any relationship.

Simply stop doing things for him and tell him what you need to tell in plain and direct terms.

FWIW, my parents are also very traditional and not keen on marriage breakups. But they fully backed me when I decided to leave ex.
They might surprise you if they know what you have to deal with.

dequoisagitil Tue 22-Jan-13 11:02:07

What a joyous upbringing your dd will have with a passive-aggressive, sarcastic tea-maker who does everything around the house for a mother and a lazy, entitled, rude fuckwit of a father.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Jan-13 11:15:47

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Branleuse Tue 22-Jan-13 11:18:52

Gail, Ive only read up to page 3, but honestly, you dont deserve to live like that. Thats no partner. Hes not enriching anything in your life. Ignore your parents, ignore his parents, and realise that he wont change. We do not have to live miserable in unhappy abusive marriages anymore. YOU dont have to.

Abitwobblynow Tue 22-Jan-13 11:41:52

OP I PROMISE YOU this was one of the red flags in our fantastically successfull confused marriage.

Me making an effort and pouring time and love into a meal, only for him to say 'its too hot/late to eat/etc etc'. He NEVER said 'can you cook lighter things/I would so appreciate soup' or any hint of what could be done.

I eventually stopped cooking for him and that was resented too.

I still don't understand what it was all about or why.

FireOverBabylon Tue 22-Jan-13 11:45:31

Why don't you tackle this the opposite way round - your "D"H leaves the kitchen as a tip when he cooks in the hope it'll put you off asking him again. You either wash up or ignore the pans.


Ignore them. Tell him that he has to cook every Friday night, or whatever night works for you, then buy a week's worth of ready meals for you and baby and defrost food for yourself, so you don't have to do his washing up to get a clean saucepan. You can take this as peevish as you like - but frozen plain food that he might also like or go for Jamaican chicken curry etc that he wouldn't spit on, so he'll have to make his own meals. Until he washes up, there aren't any pans for you to cook other food for your family.

I generally wouldn't say LTB, and not over his odd eating habits, but I lived as a child with a step father who treated my sister and I like shit. I couldn't leave your baby girl in your house with your husband; the effect on her self esteem of a man who feels that she's a burden, or competition, or spoilt, or costing too much money will be horrendous. My sister and I are still picking up the pieces in our mid-thirties. Will you have an answer to "why do I need to eat my dinner when daddy doesn't?"

ThreeTomatoes Tue 22-Jan-13 12:20:52

WTF is a sarcastic cup of tea? Baffled.

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