Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Anyone have a DP who's a really picky eater? (Long)(219 Posts)
When I got married, I couldn't really cook. I was still living like a student and I was always on a diet. I'd never cooked for more than myself, so you don't exactly learn how to roast a chicken or bake a cake, do you? I was keen to learn though. Four years of rejected dinners later, I have to work really hard to reassure myself that I'm not a bad cook. My DH is an infuriatingly picky eater. Night after night, his dinner goes in the bin. Sometimes I'm sitting eating the same meal thinking, "This is nice." He'll push it around, eat maybe a third of it, then give up. He knows better than to say, "This isn't like my mum's", but that's part of it. Incidentally, I've had his mum's cooking and it really is awful. He's a 33 year old man and I once, when I'd identified a meal that he would eat, gave it to him every night for a week! (It was chicken, new potatoes and salad.) He ate it happily, night after night, then eventually he requested a change. I'm so sick of this and it causes arguments. He never cooks. I think it's disrespectful, if someone has gone to the bother of cooking for you, to refuse to eat it. I grew up in a kind of "clear your plate" home, whereas he would have been allowed to leave whatever he wanted. He'll cover his food in salt and pepper before tasting it, and also go directly from his abandoned dinner to get a packet of crisps, which I find outrageously insulting. When he comes home and asks, "What's for dinner?" I don't want to answer him because whatever I say, he'll pull a face. I have gone on strike, once. I didn't cook for a week. He lived on takeaways before apologising and meekly asking me to start cooking again. Anyone ever had anything similar?
God, I'm so used to it, I don't regard it as a life of misery. It is a bit lonely, though. I'm afraid to admit that's why I had dd. (Storing up trouble for the future, I know.) I'm ashamed to admit that I've made a mistake, so I'm trying to make the best of it. He's no company, no help, no fun. Oh dear, I will go over to the EA thread, but I'm just going to get loads of "LTB".
No Gail, you won't get loads of LTB on the EA thread. Those women know how hard it is.
Just a word about your dd though. Do you want her to grow up and think that women are there just to be subservient to men ? That is a very damaging lesson for her.
Just another thought - my fil was incredibly fussy - he didn't eat the following:
For breakfast he ate: a braeburn apple, muesli with extra raisins (had to be sunpat), a glass of orange juice, wholemeal toast with lime marmalade, a teaspoon of honey, tea afterwards - milk first and had to be made in a pot. All in a dictated order.
Lunch: A cheese sandwich with a pickled onion, no butter and cheese had to go in horizontally.
Looking back I think he was borderline aspergers and that MIL pandered to it. Could there be some of that going on?
TisILeClerk It's not a religious thing, no. AnyFucker It's because of dd that I'm on here - I don't want her to grow up thinking this is normal. But as long as I can do it all (and I can) I feel that she'll see a woman who can do everything. I work, keep the house, do all the childcare stuff... I'm like a single parent with two kids, but one of them isn't mine.
Would you tolerate this picky stuff from your dc?
My dd1 (nearly 13 and Don't We Know It) is going through a picky phase. Last night, dinner was Irish Stew, which she loved (and one of dh's faves, being Irish and all that!).
Last night she point blank refused it. Said she wasn't hungry. So she sat (sulkily) at the table with us. Later in the evening she was refused crisps, biscuits, chocolate (though I know dh slipped her a Heroes!) and was told if she was now hungry it was either (leftover) stew, toast & butter (no jam, no nutella), fruit and yoghurt. She ate a bowl of apple and natural yoghurt.
But then, here we have a rule "if you don't eat it, Dad will!"
I agree your issue is much bigger than just he food. I also didn't live with dh before we married (18 years ago though!) but out of our own convictions, not family ones. But if my dh had turned out to be a controlling arse (he's the furthest possible from that!) I'd have left, whatever family thought.
He's acting like a toddler over food. He's acting like an abuser generally. Please look after yourself and your dc.
marriedinwhite Shit! DH doesn't like different foods touching each other!! He cuts everything into little squares before he begins eating!!
Isn't she going to have a very peculiar view of men 'though. OK, women can do everything! Go us!
And men, well, they do fuck all but moan & behave like twats. But we let them hang around, because ... of what? Is this the kind of husband you'd like for her?
To be honest, I would let him sort his own dinners. Just stop cooking for him saying it is a total waste. Tell him he will have to learn to cater for his own bland taste.
Your dd might end up with an eating disorder at this rate.
Do you work?
DP is an incredibly fussy eater, but so am I and DS has AS so is very fussy wrt too. It's not really a huge issue in our house because we're all such fussy eaters that often 2 or 3 seperate dinners are made or if one big dinner is getting cooked then we make sure we all like whats going to be cooked (and there's often, for instance, veg prepared and cooked 3 different ways) so there aren't a lot of dinners thrown in the bin.
You have it the wrong way round, Gail
Yes, you can be a good example to your dd if you "do it all". But that only computes if you are a single parent and there isn't a critical man sitting on his arse nearby while you pander to his whims.
That is a poor example to her
What kind of delusionally misogynistic family doesn't allow someone to dry-run the relationship by living together and then doesn't tolerate marriage breakdown either? It's like saying 'we don't believe in test-driving a car before buying but we don't believe in selling it once you've bought it...'
I'm a full-time secondary school teacher! I'm on maternity leave just now, though. dequoi I would actively encourage dd to live with a partner before considering marriage! I didn't "marry my dad" though. My dad was (still is) a really active, handy, hard working man. DH won't change a lightbulb, and I'm not exaggerating. I hide how hopeless he is in RL. I feel it reflects badly on me. Bad judge of character.
The only thing that would be "bad" in this context is to recognise him for what he is (like you have done) but then stay regardless.
It's like throwing good money after bad. Acknowledging that shiny new car is actually an old banger that requires more and more investment from you with nothing in return except being constantly let down.
The only person you protect by hiding the reality of the situation is him. Fortunately (or sadly depending on how you look at it) the reality of getting into a relationship with what you think is a fully-formed grown-up only to discover they are a selfish, lazy 'kidult' after a relatively short space of time is so common that I don't think anyone you share it with IRL would be all that shocked, let alone unsupportive.
I've said this to other MN-ers but I think it can be a handicap if you are an intelligent, successful, resourceful and capable woman.... which you clearly are. Because someone with that personality type often does not want to admit defeat, does not like to own up to mistakes and will keep flogging that dead horse way beyond the point when most would have quit. You're already painting this (wrongly IMHO) as being a good example for your DD, making the best of it and doubtless have your sleeves rolled up ready for yet more years of this rubbishy treatment and see it as a challenge. That's your decision, obviously, but do recognise that there is a time and place for teeth-gritted tenacity.... and this probably isn't it.
I'm ashamed to admit that I've made a mistake, so I'm trying to make the best of it
I hide how hopeless he is in RL. I feel it reflects badly on me. Bad judge of character.
Which gives him a free pass to carry on as he is, a spoiled little prince in your words. You can't polish a turd. Just because he doesn't raise a hand to you, doesn't mean you have no grounds for speaking out or wanting better.
I won't say LTB, let him go home to MIL.
" I hide how hopeless he is in RL. I feel it reflects badly on me. Bad judge of character."
You clearly made a mistake marrying him. But not one that cant be rectified!
Ok so you made a poor judgment in marrying him but you do not have to compound this error by putting up with this self entitled manchild you have living with you. Another 3-5 years of this will surely grind you down even more than you already are.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. He was never your proeject to rescue and or save, perhaps you thought somehow that he would change once he became a parent.
What do you want to teach your DD about relationships here?. This current model she is being shown is certainly not fit for purpose and is damaging you let alone her. You've basically carried on where his mother left off.
we all make mistakes, the clever thing is know when and learning from them... speak to him. Tell him. If he won't listen then, well you have to decide.
You are missing out on life if you do nothing.
OP you sound very passive and like someone who is afraid not to do everything others want. For this reason alone, you should be going to counselling and looking at ways to address the issue because you have a very very short life to live (like us all) and it would be a shame to waste another precious minute of your health and happiness trying to please a namby pamby, control freak mummy's boy or your parents for that matter.
If you do stay, rest assured that your daughter will 100% replicate the same pattern with men in her life. That's a given. So what if he has to see her at the weekend. You can always make sure it doesn't coincide with meal times!
So yep, an overwhelming LTB stat from me
My DH is the fussiest eater I know, there is probably about 20 foods that he eats and he just lives off those. I dont cook for him unless he will eat what Im cooking for the rest of us (thats only 2 meals)
I really think he has an eating disorder/food phobia but he refuses to go to the doctor about it.
Please dont waste anymore of your time/food on cooking for this unappreciative man. I'd say make the meal he will eat once a week and the other days just leave him to make something for himself.
Interesting about cutting the food up, and not having foods touching each other! Let me digress a little.
I was once told of a relative, who as a child would want all his food on different plates. If he didn't have that, he would scream blue murder and hide under the table.
Nowadays, given his other behaviour, we would be looking into a possible ASD type issue (it was many decades ago). His mother got the blame for allowing it, of course: but having seen a few mums with ASD children, I think you have to adapt or you wouldn't cope. It's very entrenched behaviour.
So: very untypical behaviour around ANYBODY'S food (not just yours) means a look at ASD might be in order - BUT - this in no way excuses any abusive behaviour.
Nor does it excuse his doing nothing around the house. That's something different. Rude, entitled and lazy is nothing to do with Asperger's.
I am a picky eater myself, but that's my problem. I would be mortified if I upset anybody because of it, and wouldn't expect anyone to chop and change for FOUR YEARS to accommodate me!
I'm reading your thread with a combination of and on my face!
Sounds like you do need to think about LTB, but for starters I would say definitely stop doing anything for him that's for HIM. He should sort his own food, do his own washing up, do his own laundry. ONLY do what you need to do for you & dd. Literally refuse and keep repeating it's his stuff, he has to do it. When he runs out of clean clothes or gets hungry (or fed up of takeaways) he'll soon sort himself out.
The other housework stuff you'll have to work out yourself what you can put up with.
sheesh how do you bear it!!
Helltotheno The funny thing is, I'm not passive at all! I'm known as a bossy, opinionated person! In my own home though, I've given up. I've been fighting this for four years. I've tried reasoning, deal-making, shouting.. I don't have the energy for it any more. It's like banging my head against a wall. After the shouting, nagging and fighting, I'm still going to have to do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping. So why not stop wearing myself out with the protests? I've surrendered. We get on fine as long as I don't complain! Six months ago when I had the baby, I was kept in hospital for a few days. I came home to an utter tip.
Join the discussion
Please login first.