Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
£768.25 on online games(61 Posts)
I discovered today that from December 2011 - January 2013, H has spent £768.25 on online games. He also spend money on beer, cigarette, weed and cocaine. I don't know how often he takes cocaine, he said the other day 2x a month than corrected to 2x a year. But he smokes weed frequently. We both work full time, I'm always looking for deals when buying anything, DD (5) is on 2nd hand clothes most of the times and I don't have that much clothes either. All because I scrimp and save. When dd was born we were in deep financial trouble (thinking sharing a flat and struggling to pay rent and bills), we got into debt just to move out to our own private rented flat and slowly things have being improving, I managed to pay the debts off and starting saving and we have a nice savings tbh, but it is all my merit and now I'm devastated that H is still so sleazy about money. And we can't talk about it either because it becomes a big argument, he can't have a normal conversation like a normal adult. I called the police twice on him for drunkenness and EA and there is lots of resentment between us but he won't go to counselling, told me to go alone. I would probably divorce right now but he makes such a big issue and emotional blackmail that we can't even talk about it either. I'm not from England and I don't have my own family here, I'm totally lost. Sorry if its long and messy, I'm on my phone.
Is it relevant to mention I'm his first ever serious relationship whereas I had a marriage before him and many boyfriends before my first marriage. I'm also 4 years older.
Not that this should be an excuse for anything, but I have more experience in dealing with a partner iyswim.
He was also virgin before meeting me....
So many red flags, I was properly blind.
No, anyfucker, actually I don't think he is listening or understanding. He is still playing the game but says he is not spending money on it, I need to check the bank statement (when I 1st found a bit of money spent on the game I enquired him and he explained he got to the level he wanted and wasn't going to spend anymore, than I decided to dig all the past year statements and got to the extent of the spending, which shocked him, which is stupid anyway because he should know what he was doing).
Since the incident he bought himself two items that aren't necessary and he could easily go without.
He is still smoking cannabis and drinking beer in the evenings
Perhaps he too wants to end but don't have the balls to say it to my face or take the first step.
I'm scared, but I can't leave straight away. I need to find a job
Is he actually listening to you ?
Taking responsibility ?
Or falling into well-worn patterns of emotional abuse and blaming others ? (as per your OP, when this kind of thing has happened before)
Demonstrating respect for you by having a shower ?
What about the drugs ? Is this not a deal breaker for you ?
My worry is that he talks you around yet again, lies low for a while and then just repeats the same behaviour when you start to relax again.
Still in the process of talking, a bit each day, both spilling out feelings and digesting.
anyfucker thanks. I appreciate your help. But I told him yesterday whenever he is ready to talk he can come and talk. So he says he needs talking and I said no. So I was being inconsistent. He insisted so if he is desperately needing talking, so I want to hear. Let's not waste no more time I say.
Sorry I didn't reply last night OP. I've just scanned your posts since and I can relate to where you are.
From the time I knew I wanted out to the time I actually managed to get out was 2 very stressful years. I wanted it to work as I saw divorce as failure. We fought, he said things would change, he was demeaning and abusive, my self esteem was at the point that I didn't feel as if I deserved better (he did a real number on that), we had a couple of ok months, we fought, he said things would change (while blaming me) etc etc.
He was also in and out of work while I held everything together (job/finances/toddler/relationship). I think if I'd had any RL support I'd have been able to leave sooner. This was all 8 years ago.
I tried to keep things amicable but he chose to play the victim and it was just an excuse for him to blame me for more (this time it was 'taking his son away'). Fast forward a couple of years and things calmed down and they started to see each other fairly regularly until one day my DS just said he didn't want to see him. We thought it may last a week or two but weeks became months and as time passed he became more determined that he didn't want anything to do with his dad. That was 2 years ago. He's now approaching his teens.
I feel sad for both of them but I won't lie, our lives are a lot calmer and less stressful on one level. We manage alone (no financial support or respite from each other 100% of the time) but I wouldn't do anything differently. And even with all the stress of my ex....I wouldn't have my son without him so I have no regrets, it all happens for a reason.
Be strong and keep focussed on what's best for you and your kids.
I'm on your side
You told him you didn't want to talk tonight
Now you are talking tonight
If you want to stay together and improve things you have to stop letting him call all the shots
I also think it's a mistake to let him talk you around before you have taken legal and professional advice
That is all
Well anyfucker sorry to disappoint but I can't take any action whit out conversation. And also I think the conversation should be sooner than later. I know that for everyone else outside my situation the answers are very easy and clear, but for myself everything seems a lot complicated and scary. Also I have no support. I don't even know what support I can have if any in this economic climate since I work, have an income and savings. I'm not even a victim of physical abuse and if I was (all respect to the victims out there) things would be easier, I would have much more support and accommodation. There isn't an OW for me to kick him out. I'm in London. I suppose with my savings I could rent a small flat and after paying deposit, 1st rent and bills, plus agency fees I would have nothing left. And the savings are supposed to be joint as he pay the majority of bills while I save my money. I'm a CM. If I move out I have to stop working asap, loosing clients and having no income. Also is hard to find a landlord who accepts CMs, specially in London where the competition for property is fierce. I already gave notice to clients as I want to close down my business in the summer anyway (and did this before all the recent problems came out) so I need at least to get a job too so I can start to move on. I'm even wondering now if I should close down before summer, tell clients to find another childcare asap and close as soon as I'm free.
he got his own way then ?
he has decided he is coming to talk tonight, and lo he is coming to talk tonight
not sure how your new "strong" stance is going so far
He phoned me shortly after the texts saying that he really needed the conversation tonight. I said no, as I need to go back to my tax return and finish it as I have the deadline until the 31st but I'm not sure how long will take me to finish and I'm fed up with postponing it. Also he comes very late as he is on a night shift and I don't want to lose anymore sleep and I need to wake up tomorrow early.
He insisted as he really needs to talk and is feeling bad about himself.
I asked why is he feeling so bad as he was so sure of himself, he didn't think he was doing nothing wrong, and he was entitled to spend his hard earned money the way he wants.?
He than says he didn't know he was spending that much, he got carried away and the website is set up in a certain way that it tricks people in spending and he will show me later how it works. He said he thought he was spending maximum £100 to £150 (which is still a lot anyway) and he is devastated he made such a mistake (I believe in this actually because as I said upthread he is not only too laid back and feckless with money he isn't also very bright. It isn't a casino website is a game you play with other people and I have no clue where the money is going to)
Regarding drugs, it is not clear for me now the frequency of the abuse, he said he can stop, I said I don't believe, he asked if I trust him, I said no, because he has an addictive personality and I believe now only his will power is not enough to make him change, he asked what I want him to do, seek help, see the GP? I said I want him to take responsibility for his actions and stop blaming me for his bad behavior and if he is serious about changing anything he has to find out what to do and take steps, I'm not mothering him anymore.
We will also talk about divorce tonight.
Let's see how things go......
Time for what? He seems to have nothing but time!!
Any special reason why you didn't finish with 'no point in talking because it's over'....?
He sent me a txt and the conversation went like this:
- I'm sorry
- I've heard this 1000000000 times and besides saying sorry doesn't fix problem
- So it's all one side is it?
- I don't use drugs, I dont get drunk frequently and I don't spend £800 on stupid games. Plus I took action to fix whatever problem I may have and you criticise me for this also.
-I'm not criticising anyone, will you be awake when I get home please?
-Even if I'm awake I don't think I can talk today
-I'm too drained and I need time.
Why would you care if your in-laws thought you were a wicked witch? What impact can they have on you if you are not part of their family any more? If you and DD are happy, living life independently, able to relax in your own home, not frightened any more and enjoying building up a few savings rather than seeing them shoved up someone's nose..... who cares what others think?
thanks everyone. I guess I'm scared of losing her support as he can poison his whole family against me. MIL's brother got divorced and his ex went from being a member of the family to a wicked wich and no one bothered to know what she had to say. I'm screwed.
Your mum divorced your rubbish dad when you were young. This, perhaps, is a pattern you might want to repeat. If she or your family think you're being typically useless (!) doing this then they can get stuffed.
Then she knows there are problems and she will not be surprised when you call her one day saying 'here's my new address'. Use friends and professionals to help you through this rather than his mother. He's going to need her more than you will.
Actually I can see her advising me to hang there as "things will get better eventuality"
I see where you are coming from. But the reason why I'm thinking about talking to her is because she knows very well how difficult he can be and how vulnerable is the situation I'm in, being in a foreign country whitout my family. She told me at the time of my wedding that I could count on her but obviously I don't expect her to totally take my side, only be a support for all of us when needed. And I'm sorry, I wasn't accurate on my last post, he did have problems with drugs ages before I met him but when we got together it was established he was clean. It was last year he started with cannabis and last week he mentioned cocaine but I don't know details and don't trust him to tell me the truth anyway. Oh, and about 2 years ago, I was considering leaving to my country for good and I spoke to MIL about the problems, she took my side and confronted him which caused trouble between them. So I'm not looking for her to get involved or have my back, only to be in the know of my side of the story and what is going on.
You have to be so careful with close relatives. 'Blood is thicker than water' and, quite often, the reason these people are so feckless and irresponsible is because they've been indulged growing up. She may be totally blind to his faults. My worry would be that anything you tell her would a) get straight back to your husband and b) become a stick with which to beat you after you split up. If he only started taking drugs after you got married she may connect the two and - like him - make you out to be the bad guy. "He never did drugs before he met sweetestB!!".... I can hear my own DM saying just that.
I think this is one of those situations where you have to make your decision, take action and then present it to others as a fait accompli.
Join the discussion
Please login first.