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I don't like my step-daughter. Am I evil?

(132 Posts)
missmaryp Sun 20-Jan-13 11:22:17

I feel pretty horrible.

To put this in perspective - I don't particularly like some of my friends children, because we are all individuals at the end of the day - and some people grate on others.

The stepdaughter in question is 7, I've known her since she was 3, nearly 4, and my dislike for her has stayed pretty much the same throughout. I suppose it's the way she has been bought up, which is quite different to my own daughter, and she just irritates me.

I've tried, really tried, to act like a bloody adult and get over it. Just recently, I decorated and carpeted our spare room for her for when she stays over as a way of trying to give us a fresh start in my own mind. It hasn't worked. Whenever she stays over for the weekend, I can feel that I'm not my usual self, because I'm basically forced to spend time with somebody I don't want to - and who irritates my own daughter as well.

I'm well aware this is embarrassing, childish behaviour. But I don't know how to stop the way I feel.

Me and her dad aren't getting on so well at the moment either, of course I've never vocalised my feelings but he's not stupid, he can see that I chance when she's around.

Has anyone been in a similar position who can offer advice on how I can sort myself out? Or is walking away and letting him find someone who truly cares for his daughter the kind/best thing to do?

P.S I really am aware that my feelings are awful, and I would appreciate constructive advice rather than confirmation that I'm a bitch.

Rudi44 Sun 12-Nov-17 10:15:28

Speaking as a former child who was in exactly the same situation my step mothers very obvious dislike of me has stayed with me into adulthood and has shaped the person I have become. It's not like you are even giving examples of bad behaviour from this child, just that she is irritating and immature.

She is 7, perhaps you should try and have some empathy for this little girl who's parent she have split up and she is forced to share her dad with a woman who doesn't like her. Poor kid.

Barbaro Sun 12-Nov-17 10:01:29

End the relationship. It's not right to continue.

I think really since you don't like other peoples children too, the issue isn't her. It's you. It's not a massive problem though, I think you just feel a bit jealous of the attention children get, as they do get far more attention than adults. Makes sense when she gets attention for being endearing for not speaking correctly and you hate that. That's probably making you not like them for an unknown reason to you.

But until you get that issue resolved, if it is that, being in a relationship with someone who has kids will never work for you. It can be resolved if you want it to be.

bufin Sun 12-Nov-17 09:48:52

ZOMBIE THREAD . LavenderRose, you will get the wrong help if you don't start your own thread.

lavenderose71 Sun 12-Nov-17 09:45:45

I understand how you feel about not liking your step daughter and feeling annoyed by her. However a three year old would be a piece of cake compared to my step daughter who is 23 and she still lives with her dad and I. I got together with her dad when she was 14. She is disabled but not enough to be an invalint. She basically sits around the house all day in her room watching tv or on her phone. Only has to clean the house once a week and that's it. She's enrolled in college but only does one class a semester. She also goes out with friends and her boyfriend to play whenever she chooses to come and go as she pleases. I have built up resentment because I just can't stand her. She is such an annoying person. She is rude in ways her dad won't or can't see. She rolls her eyes or makes ugly faces when I ask her a question and she won't answer my question directly. She decided to make plans with her dad to have all her adult friends over to my home, that I ONLY pay for without letting me know, the day after Thanksgiving. I said I don't want people in my home I don't know. He sided with her and said he'd just stay home instead of going with me camping. AND SHE DECIDED NOT TO Go camping before hand. She doesn't have a mom in the picture because she skipped out on her. So I foot the bill for this kid who acts like a brat. I took on the responsibility thinking that her mom would help financially but nope. Her mom is a dead beat low life piece of work. Her dad is disabled as well. So it makes it so hard to cope sometimes. I just want my stepdaughter to go away for me to get a break. She has sensed and felt my animosity towards her. We have got into arguments about how she is. Her dad just feels sorry for her and coddles her. I'm so sick if the bull. He just ignores it and makes excuses. I want to leave and let them just be together so he can focus on her. I have told him that a woman doesn't want to share him with his daughter of 23. He seems to think it will happen. Because she is disabled, I cant get her out of the house. What should do to try and live with the frustration of everything.

lavenderose71 Sun 12-Nov-17 09:39:05

I understand how you feel about not liking your step daughter and feeling annoyed by her. However a three year old would be a oiecevif cake compared to my step daughter who is 23 and she still lives with her dad and I. I got together with her dad when she was 14. She is disabled but not enough to be an invalint. She basically sits around the house all day in her room watching tv or on her phone. Only has to clean the house once a week and that's it. She's enrolled in college but only does one class a semester. Sge also goes out with friends and her boyfriend to play whenever she chooses to come and go as she pleases. I have built up resentment because I just can't stand her. She is such an annoying person. She is rude in ways her dad won't or can't see. She rolls her eyes or makes ugly faces when I ask her a question and she won't answer my question directly. Basically a bitch. She decided to make plans with her dad to have all her adult friends over to my home, that I ONLY pay for without letting me know, the day after Thanksgiving. I said I don't want people in my home I don't know. He sided with her and said he'd just stay home instead of going with me camping. AND SHE DECIDED NOT TO Go. She doesn't have a mom in the picture because she skipped out on her. So I foot the bill for this kid who acts like a bitch. I took on the responsibility thinking that her mom would help financially but nope. Her mom is a dead beat low life piece of work. Her dad is disabled as well. So it makes it so hard to cope sometimes. I just want my stepdaughter to go away for me to get a break. She has sensed and felt my animosity towards her. We have got into arguments about how she is. Her dad just feels sorry for her and coddles her. I'm so sick if the bull. He just ignores it and makes excuses. I want to leave and let them just be together so he can focus on her. I have told him that a woman doesn't want to share him with his daughter of 23. He seems to think it will happen. Brcause sge is disabled, I cant get her outnof the house. What should do to try and live with this frustration of everything.

TwitterQueen1 Sun 29-Oct-17 15:38:49

ZOMBIE THREAD
and reported for ^ nastiness

CosmicPineapple Sun 29-Oct-17 15:37:36

hmm

user1494815704 Sun 29-Oct-17 15:32:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ihateteens Sun 29-Oct-17 15:29:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RUSerious1 Tue 22-Mar-16 22:14:04

I'm with you all the way, why should you have to like her, you love her dad that doesn't mean you have to feel the same way about his kids. It's so easy to feel pushed out especially if her dad your partner changes when she is around, which in fairness to you you didn't imply that he does but in my experience the dad suddenly becomes a different person and you are left having to put up and shut up or walk away. Either way you are left feeling left out, pushed out, and just bloody angry with everyone pointing the finger saying you are in the wrong she is just a child and you are the adult. She is also your partners main priority and suddenly you are surplus to requirements unless he wants a cup of tea. Deep breath we all come with baggage these days it won't get easier as she gets older as she will learn to play her parents off against each other and before you know it you will be doing things you never wanted to do because unless you do you will upset your partner. I can't say you should leave him only you know how you feel and I can't say it will get easier because that will only happen if you change how you feel which lets face it probably won't happen, but I will say you are not alone there are more of us out there who rightly or wrong dislike their step children but love their dad and as you will have read the comments others have left judging you for how you feel you are no further on. So sorry I can't help for I am currently sat in bed at 9pm because the step children have once again taken over the TV and I have to either watch their mindless shit programmes or go to bed early whilst their dad sits with them pretending it's the best episode of Pretty Little Liars he has ever seen!

WicksEnd Mon 15-Feb-16 16:30:04

ZOMBIE THREAD

Mama. As others have said, Start your own thread, people will answer the OP not YOU.

Basketofchocolate Mon 15-Feb-16 15:52:51

My sister and I are quite different, in hobbies, interests, way we dress, how we think about things, so poster above was right in that a second daughter could be just like this one, which is worth thinking about.

Also, I don't like my stepmother. I would hate to be stuck in a lift with her, have some stuff in common and shared likes, but I just cannot talk to her without getting wound up. Just no compatibility. Not sure if she feels the same but she doesn't show much kindness to me or make any effort whatsoever when we do see her and I feel very much that she redirects my Dad's time to her children and their lives so rarely see him and even more rarely see him without her to keep an eye on the clock.

End result - I don't see my Dad. It's no longer fun to see him or spend time with him. Feel like she won and I can't be bothered to fight it.

Just mentioning that from the DS's pov. If that's not how you want her to feel growing up, then use that as motivation to try harder.

IamlovedbyG Mon 15-Feb-16 15:41:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 15-Feb-16 15:01:43

this is a brave and honest post, but not RTWT but this strangers says:
Or is walking away and letting him find someone who truly cares for his daughter the kind/best thing to do?

this, as for me this issue is like a toxic cancer and it will eat away at your relationship, and might well be behind why you have issues on some subliminal level

I mean how would feel if your DD grated on him so much? it would be a deal breaker right?

Its such a massive integrity bust at the very core, and I suspect there will be other issues too

I do feel for you OP, and I dare not read this thread!

amarmai Mon 15-Feb-16 14:58:41

i was replying to the op who began this thread and a hijacker has responded?!

OhYouLuckyDuck Mon 15-Feb-16 14:35:12

Disliking your step daughter is one thing, it's how you act towards her that matters.

stitchglitched Mon 15-Feb-16 14:26:45

It can't have proceeded over that much time, she's only 2! What a shame you didn't wait to see how well you blended as a family, now a toddler has to pay the price.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 14:23:12

Excuse me stitchglitched. This has proceeded over time.. My partner doesn't no about it because I never act on it

stitchglitched Mon 15-Feb-16 14:17:31

Why did you start a family with a man who's baby you can't stand? That is utterly selfish to decide it is fine for a young child to be stuck with an adult who hates her. And shame on your partner for tolerating it.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 14:16:36

I think I've answered my own problems here. My problem is with his family not her.. But I haven't let any of this anger out because it's his family so I guess I've been resentful towards her..(which I know is wrong) Just don't know how to solve this.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 14:14:46

I've had his family tell my son 'she (step daughter) can have that cos she's special..' Cmon if anyone acted like that to your children your telling me you wouldn't feel the same? Saying something like that to a 5 year old is wrong! And if the step daughter is being told she's special and my son isn't how is she going to grow up with him with that attitude?

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 14:12:21

We are both equal financially. He does his absolute best he works 2 jobs and anything he does isn't good enough for his parents basically so he doubts himself a lot. I was just looking to see if any of these previous posts managed to sort out there relationships with their step daughters. The weekends are perfect when his family arnt involved, I know you say she's only 2 but when his family comes round she does switch into a totally different child. I have my own son I know they can play you. We have girl time I do her hair I dress her I play with her but when everyone ignores her naughtiness that riles me because there soon to tell my son off! Her own mum has always had an issue with me, she doesn't want me to feed her change her etc but I'm not going to let her sit in a shitty nappy, her mum spoils her rotten, won't let her come on holiday with us because she can't be away from her for more than a day.. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. His family obviously have an issue with me, her mum does and Al I want is for his daughter to like me and for me to like her. But if his family are acting like that around me like me and my children don't matter then she's going to grow up to be the same..

amarmai Mon 15-Feb-16 14:04:36

there are a lot of issues and mainly they are to do with you p. Are you sharing your house and finances to his benefit or vv? Forgive yourself and be as nice as you can while you sort all of this out-one way or the other.Sorry for the girl as her father is not doing his best.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 13:49:41

Have you read the previous posts? Obviously I am not the only one.
I know how bizarre this all sounds, I don't need telling I am in the wrong and as I said I'd love nothing more than to have that perfect bond with her but I'm finding I hard to get that. I'm the one that went out and bought all her birthday presents when her dad couldn't afford them.. He didn't tell me
To do that I did that as I knew I wanted to see her face light up.
And yes she is their grandchild but so are my children?! My mother seems to treat them all the same so why don't they?
My son calls him daddy as he chose to.. He hasn't seen his own father in over 2 years. Not my decision was his own father decision. My partner has been there more than his father and my partner is more than happy.. Ecstatic that he calls him daddy. Can u not reply back because obviously your not offering advice. I'm looking to find out how people resolved this after being in the same situation as me

goddessofsmallthings Mon 15-Feb-16 13:41:13

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT

Mamabear:please copy and paste your post into 'start new thead'.

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