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I don't like my step-daughter. Am I evil?

(123 Posts)
missmaryp Sun 20-Jan-13 11:22:17

I feel pretty horrible.

To put this in perspective - I don't particularly like some of my friends children, because we are all individuals at the end of the day - and some people grate on others.

The stepdaughter in question is 7, I've known her since she was 3, nearly 4, and my dislike for her has stayed pretty much the same throughout. I suppose it's the way she has been bought up, which is quite different to my own daughter, and she just irritates me.

I've tried, really tried, to act like a bloody adult and get over it. Just recently, I decorated and carpeted our spare room for her for when she stays over as a way of trying to give us a fresh start in my own mind. It hasn't worked. Whenever she stays over for the weekend, I can feel that I'm not my usual self, because I'm basically forced to spend time with somebody I don't want to - and who irritates my own daughter as well.

I'm well aware this is embarrassing, childish behaviour. But I don't know how to stop the way I feel.

Me and her dad aren't getting on so well at the moment either, of course I've never vocalised my feelings but he's not stupid, he can see that I chance when she's around.

Has anyone been in a similar position who can offer advice on how I can sort myself out? Or is walking away and letting him find someone who truly cares for his daughter the kind/best thing to do?

P.S I really am aware that my feelings are awful, and I would appreciate constructive advice rather than confirmation that I'm a bitch.

RUSerious1 Tue 22-Mar-16 22:14:04

I'm with you all the way, why should you have to like her, you love her dad that doesn't mean you have to feel the same way about his kids. It's so easy to feel pushed out especially if her dad your partner changes when she is around, which in fairness to you you didn't imply that he does but in my experience the dad suddenly becomes a different person and you are left having to put up and shut up or walk away. Either way you are left feeling left out, pushed out, and just bloody angry with everyone pointing the finger saying you are in the wrong she is just a child and you are the adult. She is also your partners main priority and suddenly you are surplus to requirements unless he wants a cup of tea. Deep breath we all come with baggage these days it won't get easier as she gets older as she will learn to play her parents off against each other and before you know it you will be doing things you never wanted to do because unless you do you will upset your partner. I can't say you should leave him only you know how you feel and I can't say it will get easier because that will only happen if you change how you feel which lets face it probably won't happen, but I will say you are not alone there are more of us out there who rightly or wrong dislike their step children but love their dad and as you will have read the comments others have left judging you for how you feel you are no further on. So sorry I can't help for I am currently sat in bed at 9pm because the step children have once again taken over the TV and I have to either watch their mindless shit programmes or go to bed early whilst their dad sits with them pretending it's the best episode of Pretty Little Liars he has ever seen!

WicksEnd Mon 15-Feb-16 16:30:04


Mama. As others have said, Start your own thread, people will answer the OP not YOU.

Basketofchocolate Mon 15-Feb-16 15:52:51

My sister and I are quite different, in hobbies, interests, way we dress, how we think about things, so poster above was right in that a second daughter could be just like this one, which is worth thinking about.

Also, I don't like my stepmother. I would hate to be stuck in a lift with her, have some stuff in common and shared likes, but I just cannot talk to her without getting wound up. Just no compatibility. Not sure if she feels the same but she doesn't show much kindness to me or make any effort whatsoever when we do see her and I feel very much that she redirects my Dad's time to her children and their lives so rarely see him and even more rarely see him without her to keep an eye on the clock.

End result - I don't see my Dad. It's no longer fun to see him or spend time with him. Feel like she won and I can't be bothered to fight it.

Just mentioning that from the DS's pov. If that's not how you want her to feel growing up, then use that as motivation to try harder.

IamlovedbyG Mon 15-Feb-16 15:41:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 15-Feb-16 15:01:43

this is a brave and honest post, but not RTWT but this strangers says:
Or is walking away and letting him find someone who truly cares for his daughter the kind/best thing to do?

this, as for me this issue is like a toxic cancer and it will eat away at your relationship, and might well be behind why you have issues on some subliminal level

I mean how would feel if your DD grated on him so much? it would be a deal breaker right?

Its such a massive integrity bust at the very core, and I suspect there will be other issues too

I do feel for you OP, and I dare not read this thread!

amarmai Mon 15-Feb-16 14:58:41

i was replying to the op who began this thread and a hijacker has responded?!

OhYouLuckyDuck Mon 15-Feb-16 14:35:12

Disliking your step daughter is one thing, it's how you act towards her that matters.

stitchglitched Mon 15-Feb-16 14:26:45

It can't have proceeded over that much time, she's only 2! What a shame you didn't wait to see how well you blended as a family, now a toddler has to pay the price.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 14:23:12

Excuse me stitchglitched. This has proceeded over time.. My partner doesn't no about it because I never act on it

stitchglitched Mon 15-Feb-16 14:17:31

Why did you start a family with a man who's baby you can't stand? That is utterly selfish to decide it is fine for a young child to be stuck with an adult who hates her. And shame on your partner for tolerating it.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 14:16:36

I think I've answered my own problems here. My problem is with his family not her.. But I haven't let any of this anger out because it's his family so I guess I've been resentful towards her..(which I know is wrong) Just don't know how to solve this.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 14:14:46

I've had his family tell my son 'she (step daughter) can have that cos she's special..' Cmon if anyone acted like that to your children your telling me you wouldn't feel the same? Saying something like that to a 5 year old is wrong! And if the step daughter is being told she's special and my son isn't how is she going to grow up with him with that attitude?

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 14:12:21

We are both equal financially. He does his absolute best he works 2 jobs and anything he does isn't good enough for his parents basically so he doubts himself a lot. I was just looking to see if any of these previous posts managed to sort out there relationships with their step daughters. The weekends are perfect when his family arnt involved, I know you say she's only 2 but when his family comes round she does switch into a totally different child. I have my own son I know they can play you. We have girl time I do her hair I dress her I play with her but when everyone ignores her naughtiness that riles me because there soon to tell my son off! Her own mum has always had an issue with me, she doesn't want me to feed her change her etc but I'm not going to let her sit in a shitty nappy, her mum spoils her rotten, won't let her come on holiday with us because she can't be away from her for more than a day.. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. His family obviously have an issue with me, her mum does and Al I want is for his daughter to like me and for me to like her. But if his family are acting like that around me like me and my children don't matter then she's going to grow up to be the same..

amarmai Mon 15-Feb-16 14:04:36

there are a lot of issues and mainly they are to do with you p. Are you sharing your house and finances to his benefit or vv? Forgive yourself and be as nice as you can while you sort all of this out-one way or the other.Sorry for the girl as her father is not doing his best.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 13:49:41

Have you read the previous posts? Obviously I am not the only one.
I know how bizarre this all sounds, I don't need telling I am in the wrong and as I said I'd love nothing more than to have that perfect bond with her but I'm finding I hard to get that. I'm the one that went out and bought all her birthday presents when her dad couldn't afford them.. He didn't tell me
To do that I did that as I knew I wanted to see her face light up.
And yes she is their grandchild but so are my children?! My mother seems to treat them all the same so why don't they?
My son calls him daddy as he chose to.. He hasn't seen his own father in over 2 years. Not my decision was his own father decision. My partner has been there more than his father and my partner is more than happy.. Ecstatic that he calls him daddy. Can u not reply back because obviously your not offering advice. I'm looking to find out how people resolved this after being in the same situation as me

goddessofsmallthings Mon 15-Feb-16 13:41:13


Mamabear:please copy and paste your post into 'start new thead'.

OllyBJolly Mon 15-Feb-16 13:35:20

I think you should consider counselling. Your expectations are away too high if you think everyone will fall into a happy family set up. You refer to your DH/BF - which is it? This relationship is what - 18 months?

You're projecting motivation onto a 2 year old that are just not there. She's not getting up in the morning saying "How can I make Mamabear's life difficult today and make sure I get all the attention". She's 2.

Of course, your partner's family will make a fuss of her - she's their grandchild. Your kids are not - not yet anyway. That takes time. (and I'd be a bit nervous about my children calling another man "daddy" after such a short time.

It's not your BF's fault or the girl's mother. It's solely the way you are viewing and reacting to the situation. It's not healthy for you, your children or this 2 year old.

I find this phrase chilling I find myself watching her waiting for her to do something wrong so I can tell her off. No child deserves that. That's abuse. You owe it to her to either get some help or leave this relationship.

Oswin Mon 15-Feb-16 13:29:31

Fuck me. She's 2! She IS A baby.
Fucking hell.

Twinklestein Mon 15-Feb-16 13:26:07

Rachel and Mamabear you need to start your own threads.

Why do people do this?

Grumpyoldblonde Mon 15-Feb-16 13:22:53

You can't be serious? she is 2 years old. Her parents split before she could even walk, you jumped into a relationship with a man who had practically a newborn baby.

Mamabear13132 Mon 15-Feb-16 13:12:34

I know no one has wrote on this for a while but gosh I need some help.
I'm in the same situation which I am shocked so many people feel the same!
I dislike my 'step daughter' very much.. I wouldn't say hate.. Hate is a strong word and I know deep down I'd love nothing more than to get along with her but I can't!
She's 2.. Nearly 2 and a half. I've been in her life since she was 9 months old. I know myself this isn't anyone's fault apart from
My boyfriend family's and her mother. I have my own son from a previous relationship (he doesn't see his father) and me and my partner also have a daughter 8 months old. My kids get put aside. My step daughters feelings are the most important because 'we don't want her feeling left out' yet my children get left out then. And now she just plays on it, kids are not stupid. If the
Mother in law comes round, step daughter will look at me like she's scared and not come up to me looking like some evil step mother. She'll act like a baby in front of her. She'll do absolutely anything to get there attention which doesn't take much cos then practically lick the shit off her shoes. If she falls over (but doesn't actually fall on the floor just her hands) I have never seen people run over so fast basically screaming to see if she's ok?! Pathetic! If she moans or is dam right rude to anyone its 'because she's tired' yet if my son moans they'll tell him off...
I've had many arguments with my dh about this, about how they favourtise his daughter and at first he thought I was crazy until finally I had an argument with his dad and his dad confirmed it all! Telling me it is all about the step daughter and not my children! My boyfriend couldn't believe it but soon forgave him and let them get on with things like they have before. Step daughters got worst.. If my son is sat on my boyfriends knee and moves off she'll jump in his space.. She'll make sure where ever we go and there's relatives there holding her and not my son.. My son is only 5 as well btw.. Not like he's a teenager he still gets his feelings hurt easily especially being rejected by his biological father. I try my best to get on with step daughter but my boyfriends family will come round and get my riled up again! I'm not allowed to tell her off because they get involved and over rule me.. They make more of an effort with her mum than me.. They bend over backwards to help her and not me.. When I was pregnant with my daughter I wasn't allowed to tell anyone because we didn't want to upset the mother and step daughter needed to have her 1st birthday first.. I booked all children in for a ohotoshoot and the parents in law assumed I hadn't included the step daughter and had a go saying u best get some photos done of her.. Erm she's coming with us!! I got both my children christened.. 'Well we think it's pointless plus what will (the mother) say!' It's nothing to do with her!!! If she wanted to get step daughter christened go ahead! The mother in law pushed a friend of mine out of the way at the christening to make sure step daughter got in the photos which yes I was letting her get in them but would be nice for my children to just get one on their own. U go round to their house and there's just pictures of step daughter :/ my son calls my boyfriend daddy and them granddad and grandma.. But they don't treat him like a grandchild! It infuriates me! Over the weekend I was getting that angry I thought I'm going to have to give up my relationship because of this! I love my boyfriend so much, we have the perfect relationship! We are best friends! I can't say to him oh by the way I hate your daughter! I don't no how to get over this. I love kids! Never thought I'd feel this way about one! I find myself watching her waiting for her to do something wrong so I can tell her off. I feel like I need to shout at her but I daren't.. When me and dh first got together if we were to hold hands she's scream and cry until we let go.. Everything annoys me how she knows how to eat with a knife and fork but she'll eat with her hands.. She knows how to climb onto sofa but if her dads here or anyone she'll make a horrible noise to tell them she cant get up.. She'll take toys off my daughter and the mother in law will just give my daughter something else to play with instead of telling her that's wrong.. I don't want my kids growing up thinking their second best or not good enough!

notsoeasy Wed 25-Mar-15 15:59:29

I am shocked at some of the posts on this subject..This situation is very difficult and people are looking for support not ridicule. Just because some of you have perfect lives doesn't mean that everyone is in the same situation. I am going through the same issues and unfortunately my daughter has been told things that are lies about my other half and they don't get on, its very difficult and I would like some advice from some people who care rather than ones that just want to rant about how bad everyone else is, sometimes its not as easy as just saying 'your the adult get on with it'!!!. So can we get back on topic and have some useful information about what other people have tried to help with this very difficult issue

MNpostingbot Wed 25-Mar-15 14:59:52

Duh. Zombied.

MNpostingbot Wed 25-Mar-15 14:59:14

You are the adult, she is 7. The responsibilty is yours.

I've seen my own stepmother behave like this to me and my own mother behave like this to my stepsiblings and 15 years later ive seen them regret it.

You also run the risk of this affecting your own children. My stepmother created a scenario in her head that my brother and I were the strange ones and that her son was normal (eg the fact that on holidays we made friends with children our age and played with them rather than stay in a family group shunning everyone was "rude" and "strange")

She refused to ever question her own sons behaviour. He's now almost 40, still living with her and is finally getting some treatment for some of the MH issues she ignored for years in her own family.

I'm not saying for one second this will happen to you or is happening. Just trying to illustrate that we can't help but view our own children in a different way and the arrival of stepchildren can exaggerate that even more. My stepmum would have said exactly what you are saying about me at 10-11 and now she admits she was very wrong.

sometimes we are wrong and "it's not them, it's you"

queensansastark Wed 25-Mar-15 13:07:33

I know...but it was an interesting read and I feel better for getting it off my chest...

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