Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Anxious at the thought of leaving DD(47 Posts)
DD is 12 weeks old, not yet 3 months. So far I have only left her twice, once for 20mins while I popped to the shops and another for an hour while at the gym. Both these times I have left her at home with DP.
I am starting to feel under increasing pressure to leave her with other people. She is ebf and I have just started expressing and DP has given her the odd bottle. Since this MIL is desperate for me to leave me with her and other in-laws have been making comments about me 'not trusting' anyone with DD.
The problem is just the thought of leaving her makes me feel sick to my stomach and I can feel my heart in my throat. I'm not enjoying these feelings and I don't know how to cope with them.
I never thought I would feel this way about having others look after DD, I thought I'd happily leave her and I'm very lucky to have lots of family more than willing.
Not sure why I'm posting or what I want anyone to say. I just feel awful
It's not just you - I didn't spend any time apart from DD2 until I went back to work at 6months. I didn't spend a night away from her until she was 19 months. I'm not particularly anxious either - I just didn't want to do it and didn't feel a need to. They are babies for such a short time and I want to experience as much as possible.
Do what you want to Gangly, resist the pressure.
I have a 4 month old that I have left with my DM for literally 10 mins while I dropped the car to the garage. I felt sick thw whole time and was so worried about coming home to a screaming, distraught baby (she was fine, obviously) and that was an essential leaving.
There is no way on earth I could leave her with anyone just because they wanted to look after her! When we visit family I make sure they get lots of cuddles and holds (I basically feed her and deal with her meltdowns and thats it!) But nothing would make me leave her!
Your mil is being unreasonable and the comments about not trusting your baby with them are slightly passive aggressive! Ignore.
Wow lots of responses, thank you all.
I will definitely keep an eye on my anxiety, I used to suffer from panic attacks so I know it's something I need to be aware of.
All these posts are making me feel far more confident about saying no, I'm glad it's not just me
My Ds is nearly two and the longest I have been alart from him is just over 3 hrs, which was last week when I required outpatient treatment.
At this age, your child just wants Mummy. Daddy, if Mummy isn't there. The focus of who to make happy ahould ALWAYS be the child. Being away from you for ages will not make her happy, is not for her benefit. The wants of adults are less than your DD's needs. If they don't get her on her own for long periods, they can cope, it's not a requirement, it's not an automatic right, they can suck it up and moderate their own expectations and level of need. Your DD cN't do any of that (nor should she!) and being with Mummy is an actual biological imperative at her age.
I can totally see how the more they pressurise you, the more you feel like clinging to DD even more. It feels like they're planning to kidnap her or something, it's suffocating! Your DH really needs to step up now and tell them toback the fuck off sharpish. They have no legal rights to what they're demanding. If they really do love your DD then they wouldn't want to seperate her from her mother, nor make her mother stressed, anxious and pressurised. I'd stop expressing (or tell them you have done) for a bit, just to remove another opportunity for them to badger you with.
You are totally normal, don't worry.
That shaky sick feeling is a sign that you are not ready to leave your lovely DD! I had several work commitments early on when DS was tiny and I used to physically shake being apart from him. Each time you leave them it is a milestone and you have to do it at a rate you feel happy with. DS has spent the afternoon with the inlaws today (he's nearly 9mo) and I'm sure he's had a lovely time. However we've taken months to work up to that, and I'm a bit twitchy now because I miss him and I want him to come home!!
You are being totally normal.
What abou thinking up other ways of them helping you:
- clean house
How are you feeling otherwise?
They are being completely selfish. Stick to your guns and tell them you and she will be happier if you're with her. Your MIL had her own children. This is your child.
Btw did you really go to the gym when you'd only just had a baby? I couldn't even sit down!
say no. you feel anxious, imagine how your 12 week old will feel. 13 month old dd2 is only now starting to be happy to be with people who are not me; if your mil is thinking that she can form some sort of meaningful bond with your dd by wresting her away from you for the afternoon, then she has totally forgotten what small babies are like. she can see the baby while you are there.
Poor you, horrid to feel under pressure- she's your baby, do it the way that feels right to you and the rest can sod off x
It's nice you have offers of help from keen grannies - but doesn't mean to say you have to accept !
Could be MIL would have liked more support and the chance of a break with her own babies. Or could be she's just looking forward to developing her relationship with her DGD through spending some time with her. Also could it be that MIL didn't BF her babies, or not for so long ?
I think if you just try to explain that for you you don't want to be away from her whilst she's so little and BFing but you appreciate the babysitting offers and will be happy to take them up on them in a few months ? Maybe set a date for a special evening out for a birthday or anniversary in a few months time ?
Or she could come over and look after DD whilst you were there but enjoying some time to get on with something else ? Or you and DD could both go to stay for a night - or just the afternoon if a night away at MIL's sounds too long !
Oh apart from the week long school camp in year 6 but that doesn't count because she left me.
Mine's 12 years and I haven't left her overnight yet, no need to so why would I ?
Oh and tell your DP- my DD never left my side for the first 9 months, practically, and was EBF til 6 months with barely a bottle of expressed milk. My DH never fed her- that was my job.
Then I went back to work at 9 months and my DH took 3 months off and he took over. I firmly believe that it's partly because she'd never been passed around like a parcel and left alone with people she wasn't 100% familiar with, she was secure enough to adjust with no problems.
She was in nursery from a year, gradually building up to full time- happy and confident and outgoing.
We bf til 2 and a half -our special time, with DH's special time being their evening bath!
Now at 3 I could walk out of the door tomorrow and DD wouldn't notice a difference in her care- he is a totally equal parent. This early focus on you and the baby as a unit DOESN'T MEAN that things are getting set up for you to be the driver and him trail behind. No way. It's simply biologically the case that if you want your baby to feel MOST secure, MOST relaxed, MOST happy, then right now it's best to make it clear to them that milk and mummy the milk source is 100% there. No nasty surprises where suddenly mummy's gone for 3 hours and a different pair of arms are holding you and everything smells wrong.
The job of a good father (and granny, and auntie-etc!) right now is to support YOU as the new mum in growing a happy baby through its first few months, when it's trying to make sense of its new world.
Ignore. Only leave her if you want. Dd is now 3, I didn't leave her until 15 months when we went to a wedding, & even then we left at 7pm. I did feel under pressure, I was told to enjoy myself.
My mil & my own df were constantly attempting to snatch her. When she was 16 weeks old, ebf & waking screaming for me EVERY 2 hours, my df (&to a lesser extent dm) forced me & hubby out to 'have fun'. We did not, as I spent the whole time blabbing and we came home at 10pm. She woke up as I walked in.
Be warned though, I didn't realise then, but I had PND. However, ds is now 10 months old, still bf (although eating), mostly sleeping through, but often wakes at 11pm, & I've not left him yet. This time it was my DH who was pressuring me at 12/13 weeks. I told him to fuck off (or similar).
My dd is now 3 like I say. I don't know where the time goes. We are both confident that the other will be ok if we're not together, she trusts that ill return. Despite warnings that I was making her clingy, she is the most secure child I know!
Do what you feel is right.
Just to add, don't feel pressured to do anything you're not happy with, you'll know when the time is right and for us that means taking tiny baby steps literally!!
Totally normal. Get annoyed - show your DH this thread, TELL HIM that you feel exactly the same as all the other women on here, IT'S NORMAL, and that you now REQUIRE HIM to have a word with his mum and any other relatives pressurising ou and tell them to back right off or it's going to cause problems.
You don't need a 'break'- you're having a wonderful time caring for your baby and making sure the early days are building up that sense of security.
Point out to him that they're totally welcome to spend time with the baby, but what they want is YOU OUT OF THE WAY so they can play mummy, particularly your MIL. That's THEM being unreasonable, not you. The best thing for your baby is that you're nearby. So what they want is for you to put their welfare over your baby's. not going to happen and be should also be disappointed in his mum for being like this.
Oh and don't feel pressured to express either- baby is on the breast, let it stay there unless its an emergency- it's better both for you and the baby. Once again, the baby should come first, NOT the selfish wants of other adults.
Tell them to bog off. Dear friend of mine had all this pressure to leave her dd. she didn't but it caused her so so much stress and upset and probably contributed a lot to pnd. They are only tiny once.
Tell them you will take them up on their offer with gusto in a year it so
I felt totally the same at that age. The only thing for some reason I didn't mind was my DM or MIL taking out DS in the pram for an hour or so whilst I got some sleep.
Whilst DS was and still is a clingy baby he was always happy in the pram so I knew he wouldn't get upset and would more than likely have a nap the whole time. My DM loved taking him out and showing him off in our village even though he would be asleep in the pram.
This might not be enough for your MIL if she wants to feed, cuddle etc but was enough for us and gave me some precious sleep!
bless you - totally normal I was the same. You''ll know when the time's right for you try not to worry or feel pressured by what others think. As poster above says, get help if it lingers or concerns you.
I didn't leave either of mine (both BF) until they were 9mo. I just never wanted to. I agree if MIL really wanted to help she could sit with her while you have a bath or next to the buggy while you have a haircut.
However, I would caution you to keep a close eye on your feelings of panic. I had similar and ended up with anxiety/PND when DD2 was 6mo. I saw my GP and was referred to a councillor for CBT whuch was wonderful, life changing really.
Wereonourway is completely right.
Patronise them right back. Say "you probably can't remember what it's like to have a tiny baby, but..." I say this as someone with two DC - youngest is only 1, but some of it does fade! I didn't want mine out of my site for a long time but looking back now, I forget how strong that feeling was.
They mean well but are being idiots about it.
Just ignore them, I sometimes get the same comments, my lea Is nearly 7 months old and I have only left him once, in which he just cried until I came back, in still breast feeding too,
You have plenty of time to leave him with others.
Sometimes ill just agree and say yeah I jut can't stand the thought of him being away from me, better then some mind who dump there children at the drop of hat, normal shuts them up
I'm currently having a bit if a battle with ex over access and in a letter to my solicitor ex(and his mum) said I was "far too over protective of newborn ds" and I wouldn't let ex take ds to see his family.
It absolutely broke my heart. My ds was prem, struggled to breathe, suffered horrific bruising and suffered from prolonged jaundice.
I couldn't hold him for the first five days and even when I could it was for a minute at a time so he could continue double phototherapy.
Even If ds had been perfectly healthy I wouldn't have had him out visiting!
Sod them all, stay strong. You absolutely do not have to cave in to their demands, like you and lots of others I didn't have ds to pass off to others.
You are doing nothing wrong at all. New babies are exciting and families do want to be involved, I understand that but they do not have the right to dictate when you should or shouldn't leave them.
Keep your chin up, do not let this bunch bully you or listen to their digs and most of all enjoy this precious time!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.