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Hey, it's the Dating thread... number 37

(1000 Posts)
lubeybooby Sun 20-Jan-13 00:04:11

Of we got - all dating chit chat here!

VoiceofUnreason Sun 20-Jan-13 13:04:41

Scrazy - sorry, but why do we men still hold all the freaking power in 2013? I certainly don't think we do.

Scrazy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:07:30

Oh I'm not adverse to initiating things if it feel right. The angst often come from when it doesn't feel right, hence trust your spidey senses that 'he just isn't into you'.

Scrazy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:11:32

Voice, are you male? It depends on your feelings for a guy. I bat lots away, no problem, if I don't want them, it's when you want someone, they are the ones that hold the power for me, anyway.

I've recently experienced a break up with someone who wanted me in his life but also wanted to keep other women in the background. He's hurt me so I ended it. I am upset and projecting onto the thread I admit, but I think alot of my thoughts make some sense.

lubeybooby Sun 20-Jan-13 13:15:31

mercury that's a good idea. Get things clear from the off!

I only have the inclination to text a lot of I really like the person... at that stage where you go a bit gooey and think of them a lot so probably once it's a few dates in and onwards... when things are building up a bit (if properly dating that is not just shagging) and beyond into early coupledom. Then it starts to get wearing and settles down after a couple of months.

In a thing like... with me and TT I would like just to check in and have a little chat every few days or so. Or even just a few random messages now and then. Doesn't really matter long as it isn't constant.

VoiceofUnreason Sun 20-Jan-13 13:15:53

Scrazy - am I male? I think I gave that away in my question, actually! grin

Your experience can apply equally the other way around. It isn't exclusively male. "If you want someone, they are the ones that hold the power" can work both ways. I've known a woman who wanted me in her life but also wanted to keep other men in the background.

Power holding applies to BOTH sexes and we men do not necessarily hold all the freaking power. Sorry for your recent issue, of course.

Scrazy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:17:27

Forgot to add, also I think most women tend not to lead me on when we don't really want them but some men don't give women the same consideration.

lubeybooby Sun 20-Jan-13 13:19:40

Never ever forget the 'some' disclaimer on forums especially on MN wink

I think that can be summarised by saying the person who cares the least holds the power.

Is the trick then finding someone who cares equally? and when that happens all the fireworks go off and etc etc...

VoiceofUnreason Sun 20-Jan-13 13:20:51

wink Indeed, Lubey, I am sensing a bit of deja vu here!

Scrazy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:21:06

Cross post but it still applies Voice. Yes I did know you were a man but asked anyway.

I must be too nice. I would never string a guy along as if I'm not interested in him I couldn't have sex with him. Drunken ONS's excepted of course but I could never carry on with it.

Scrazy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:23:54

Yes Lubey, it boils down to that elusive thing. So to summarize, we all need to be adults and get out of something early on, if it appears that our feelings aren't equal.

Damn I wish I had know this years ago, would have saved myself a lot of crap. grin

VoiceofUnreason Sun 20-Jan-13 13:26:40

Scrazy - the point is that the behaviour you ascribe to men can be found in women just as easily. Now, I am willing to accept it may not happen to the same extent, but I can find you plenty of men who will back me up and had the same things happen to them that have happened to you.

I'm not lessening what has happened to you or anyone else, but it is very easy to slip into a battle of the sexes and tar everyone with a brush because of one or two experiences. This can then become self-perpetuating and affect dating/relationships in the future because we start assuming the same thing will happen again and we put barriers up or see problems when they don't exist.

48howdidthathappen Sun 20-Jan-13 13:36:47

Voice Of course we all make are own rules.
In all my relationships to date I have held the most power. I do not abuse that power. I am 100% loyal, will go the extra mile, put the other person first if at all possible. You can be considerate and caring holding the most power.
The texting thing is quite new to me, as only been in the dating game for a short while after a 25 year relationship. I am not much of a texter so unless I have something important to say will not instigate texting.

VoiceofUnreason Sun 20-Jan-13 13:48:32

48 - precisely. We should make our own rules and not follow this 'one size fits all' approach to a supposed set of dating and relationship rules that we still seem to read and hear about at times. I see they have actually republished and updated the 'official' Rules book. Sad.

48howdidthathappen Sun 20-Jan-13 13:51:26

One thing Mr R&R has said about texting. When in the past he has been in the very early stages of a new relationship, 'some' women have got a bee in their bonnet because he hasn't replied soon enough. Believe you me he would of been asleep or working. He works long hours, lives alone and sleeps alot. He turns his phone off as doesn't want it to wake him. He walked.

MsArsebiscuit Sun 20-Jan-13 13:51:26

Scatty, no, not OKC, one's on GS and one's on MA ( I like to spread myself around a bit ). The MA bloke, Mr Software, also has a science background - this combination is like catnip for me.

48, so Mr Oz is a painter, were you envisaging a Titanic/Leonardo DiCaprio situation ? My first serious boyfriend is now a professional artist and I still have some drawings of me in the altogether that he tossed off ...

ike1 Sun 20-Jan-13 13:55:36

'tossed off' ...reeeeeeally???

48howdidthathappen Sun 20-Jan-13 13:59:20

Arse I was envisaging it taking a very long time to complete wink

48howdidthathappen Sun 20-Jan-13 14:04:41

Ike Still having a ball in the snow?

Scrazy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:23:17

Voice, I am quite happy to see the last one as a one off t--t of the highest order and will not be taking any bitterness over into the next one, if there is a next one.

48, giving your sexual partner common decency is what a lot of men fail to do, e.g exclusivity, considerations for other persons feelings. It's not much to ask is it? I couldn't have a regular sexual partner for any length of time unless I valued them.

48howdidthathappen Sun 20-Jan-13 14:26:39

I may have a fairly skewed outlook being brought up from the 60s in a single parent all female household. My mum and her LT partner didn't live together until we had all long flown the nest.

I like men ALOT but can take em or leave em. Sex on the other hand is much appreciated blush

48howdidthathappen Sun 20-Jan-13 14:30:56

Scrazy Me neither. I am very slow to commit but can still care deeply.

48howdidthathappen Sun 20-Jan-13 14:36:16

I care for Mr R&R alot. If it ended I would be upset not devastated.

The longer it goes on the better the sex has become, but also less important. Does that make sense.

Nomorepain Sun 20-Jan-13 14:46:52

I texted him, he replied straight away and sent a few more texts since. I feel better for texting. Saves me feeling all angsty because of my own silly issues.

My friend said its a dr pepper moment - what's the worst that can happen??

MsArsebiscuit Sun 20-Jan-13 15:29:01

I'm sorry, Ike, the word just came to me and it amused me too much not to use it. I have a terribly juvenile sense of humour.

VoiceofUnreason Sun 20-Jan-13 15:30:55

You may recall around new year I mentioned a friend trying to set me up with a woman who looked like a horse. My friend has just sent me a text trying again. What am I, a bale of hay??? smile

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