Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can I have honest opinions?

(86 Posts)
BeOrganised Sat 19-Jan-13 20:52:35

If your partner (albeit on/off) and father of your children said 'I feel like spitting in your face'. Would you be devastated? Or because he didn't actually do it, or say he will, it's not that much of a bad thing to say.

He has said worse to me, but this has really got to me. It's happened over half an hour ago and I'm still replaying the words and crying. Am I overreacting?

BeOrganised Sun 20-Jan-13 22:58:02

I really did want honest opinions on the whole 'spitting' thing because I was so upset. It's not that I don't want to hear your opinions, that's fine! But I'm allowed to feel upset by them and disagree with some parts?

Obviously house is t sound proof and dc may have heard a few arguments, but nothing that is going to scar them, however I do agree with the 'toxic' atmosphere. And I do worry how our relationship will effect the dc especially the oldest.

badtasteflump Sun 20-Jan-13 23:02:57

You know this isnt normal or you wouldnt be asking.
Children learn how to conduct adult relationships by example - so youre right to worry.
Sorry for blunt replies btw - am on mobile & typing is crap!

TranceDaemon Sun 20-Jan-13 23:10:03

I know it's hard to hear OP, you asked for honest answers and that is what you are getting. The answers you have are from people who have been through it, who recognise what you are experiencing as abuse.

I found it hard to believe too as have most of us, but it IS abuse. Abuse isn't just him punching you in the face and all the things you have said are things that are abusive.

An abusive man isn't like that all the time. They work in cycles, with just enough 'nice' to keep you hoping and hanging on. It is how he behaves when he is being nasty that is your true gauge of what sort of a person he really is. Normal men DON'T tell their partners they would kill them, threaten to spit in their face or frighten them.

He tells you it's you, so then you work even harder to avoid his outbursts, walk on eggshells and try harder to be perfect. It doesn't matter what you do, NOTHING you could do would justify his behaviour to you. Normal men would never, ever do or say the things you describe.

You cannot change him. There is nothing you can say, or do that will make him stop treating you like this. There is no sort of counselling or therapy that will MAKE him stop abusing you. The only options you have are to stay and accept that your P's damaged childhood is doomed to repeat itself and that your relationship is teaching your children how to behave in their own relationships in the future, OR to leave and realise that that is your ONLY choice if you want to protect your kids.

I know that's not easy to hear and your natural reaction is to rebel against that possibility. I know that when you have invested so much in a relationship that the thought of it ending feels like too much. The reason you feel like this is because of the brainwashing you have had. It is SO much easier to stay away once you get out. You have to first accept that you need to leave, leaving is easy in comparison.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:03:50

Is it any better that you acknowledge that he doesn't see you as inferior, but on some level superior so he has to drag you down?

I am sorry you feel bad after posting here, but the truth is your kids are in harm's way

you can excuse him and rationalise his verbal abuse of you all you like, but you have a choice and your kids do not

foslady Mon 21-Jan-13 00:07:02

Ok OP - you're making me angry, I want to spit in your face.

But that's ok to say that to you because I'm a good mum.

Don't like me saying it to you?

But it's ok for your childrens father to - someone who SHOULD respect you.

Now do you get the point???

foslady Mon 21-Jan-13 00:09:33

Sorry if that was blunt - but SURELY you can see from the amount of posts that this guy is toxic to you. And that behaviour WILL spread into your childrens behaviour, either towards you or in the kind of relationships they have

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:13:53

OP asked for honest opinions but has rationised every one

she isn't ready to hear it yet

but one day she will be

probably when he starts on the kids

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:14:05


tallwivglasses Mon 21-Jan-13 00:25:44

Or maybe when he does actually spit in her face (or worse). sad

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jan-13 00:27:39

of course, he is verbally acting out what he wants to do (so far)

it won't be too long until he actually does it if OP carries on making excuses for him

cincodemayo Mon 21-Jan-13 00:54:25

You say he admits he's been 'a prick' to you and you've known him for 10 years and in that time, you've had children with him but haven't really been living with him.

So has your relationship existed alongside these other relationships he's had, including the one in which he fathered another child?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now