Husband had an affair

[charlotte300]

Dear all

I discovered my husband had an affair a couple of months ago - he said this was a mistake - however, he justified this as we do not live together we live in different cities due to us both having children. We have been married for nearly 4 years and together for 11.

We are due to live together in a years time when my son has completed his a levels and going to university - we currently rent out our house in Cornwall that we are due to be moving into.

He said that he loves me - but is so unhappy with this relationship due to the distance (he has a daughter who is 11 and sees her once a week and everyother weekend they both live in London).

Two weeks ago he was on the phone for an hour and a half I had just left that Sunday evening to travel back (I have a job etc) I asked him about this he said that there must be something wrong with the phone. I also am unsure if he is still sleeping with her due to his behaviour - he has stopped texting me and does not email me anymore.

I have said that I respect the fact that he is unhappy and that he has to respect my feelings too and I have said that if he is so unhappy why do we not just end this marriage.

He has said that he does not want this marriage to end and that he is working through this.

I am feeling unsure all the time about this and I am behaving needy and neurotic - looking at his mobile etc.

He says that he loves me.

I think he maybe establishing the relationship with her to be strong enough to divorce me

I would really appreciate some tlc and support from some lovely mums

x

[badinage]

'Had' implies the past tense whereas this affair is still clearly going on, isn't it?

I don't think living separately is an excuse for lies and deceit, although it might be a reason for unhappiness. But he had other choices if he was unhappy and wanted to rescue the marriage and he made the wrong one. An affair was never going to improve things was it?

Personally, I'd tell him that you think the affair is still going on and you want some time and space to decide whether you want to stay married to someone who could treat you like this. At the moment he thinks he has all the choices, despite treating you very badly. He needs to think and believe that he lost his choices the moment he had an affair.

I'm hoping that wouldn't just be bluffing either....because actually you do need some space to see whether you want to be with someone who's hurt you so badly and is still lying to you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There's no justification for having an affair. Plenty of couples have successful and faithful relationships where one works away in a different city or country some of the week and don't feel 'justified' in leaping into bed with someone else just to... what?... pass the time?... cheer themselves up?

The trouble with that kind of confession is that you can't trust anything they subsequently say or do. Not trusting him doesn't make you 'needy and neurotic' in the slightest. It makes you a very normal human being, suspicious of someone who has let you down in the most visceral way possible whilst at the same time claiming to love you. If that's love... how does he treat people he doesn't like? If he wants to stay married... why tell you about an affair in the first place?

I tend to think, at times like this, that it's important to start setting the agenda rather than being the one sat about waiting for someone else to decide your future. No problem with him staying away as you live in different cities but probably best to drop contact for a bit, allow yourself time to really process the information, get some advice and decide what you want to happen... not him. Good luck

[badinage]

OP says she discovered it, so I don't think he even had the balls to confess it voluntarily......

Which lens even less weight to the 'I was so unhappy' excuse. He probably didn't want to be found out and the first time he's claimed unhappiness was after discovery. It's the 'you drove me to it' defence which no person in their right mind should ever accept.

[Abitwobblynow]

'Don't Trust, but verify'. (Ronald Reagan)

Now is the time to get a voice activated recorder, put near the phone and in his car.

The rules about not snooping apply to healthy relationships when you are loved and respected. When you have been betrayed, all rules are off because you MUST know what the actual truth is.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Buy him this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Its a hard hitting book aimed at the cheater.

I agree that there is NO excuse at all for choosing to have an affair - he could have chosen to talk to you etc about his unhappiness.

As well as going on his knees begging for forgiveness, answering all questions honestly etc, he needs to prove to you that the affair is over and that he is looking into himself to find out what made him choose to shag OW and work on these issues and flaws.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

• then work on these issues and flaws.

[charlotte300]

Thank you for all of your advice.

Just to clarify YES I did find out.

He says that this does not feel like this is a proper relationship and that he was bored of the travelling and not being with me all the time and that it is weird being married with someone so far away - even though we talk everyday see each other everyother weekend and most of the summer hoildays I am a teacher.

He says that there is no one else he is seeing - he is just unhappy with our relationship - but working through this he says that he hates the goodbys as he misses me.

He wanted to think about if he loved me enough to continue we left it a week just after I found out - we then met and he said that he wanted to be with me and never loose and never wanted a divorce.

That was a month ago


he has since been changing mind almost every time I see him.

He is very distant emotionally and sometimes angry when I want to talk to him about us


He says that he wants us back to normal


He said that he does not want to keep saying I love you on the phone or to be romantic by text - he does not want to be pressurised into keep on reassuring me that he loves me - he says that he does love me and that is why we are still together - he is not finishing our relationship just saying that he is unhappy.

I would like to clarify that my suspicions became apparent when

he was on the phone for 2 hours

he has deleted all of my text mesgs

he is being distant

I am seeing him in two weeks we will talk - I am sure however, I do feel that this is the following fact.

He is saying that he is unhappy - which has made me insecure - he appears to be moving on with his life - arranging nights out being social


I however, do not feel sociable I work hard with my job - I feel like my marriage and future is falling apart - while he is moving on

He says that he wants me to be strong and to trust him.

x

[Fairenuff]

At the moment he is having his cake and eating it.

He has little wifey at home waiting for him.

He is living the life of a single man.

You are too available to him at the moment. He needs to make a choice. Either he wants to be in a committed relationship, or he doesn't. Either he wants you both to be faithful, or he doesn't.

He can't have it all his way.

In any case, he says this life is making him unhappy and it is certainly making you unhappy, so it's no good for either of you.

I would make the decision myself. Tell him you need some time. Agree not to contact each other for a set time (say one month). Each of you have a really good think about what you want for yourself. Then meet up and discuss it, with a counsellor if necessary.

During that time, do not contact him. Let him realise what he will be giving up if he decides to separate.

Take control, stop letting him make all the decisions to suit himself.

And think about this, if he doesn't want to be with you, do you really want him? Why would you want him under those circumstances.

Also, it does sound as if he is still cheating, so even if he does admit it I don't really see how you can ever trust him again.

Personally, I would separate. Without trust, there isn't really a relationship to save.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Why do you have to be in different cities again? Why is the fact that you have a children a barrier to relocating?

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I am also confused by the two cities thing.

[charlotte300]

2 cities due to children - that is it schooling crucial a levels with my son and I respect my husbands decision for his daughter and his job situation and hence we were suppose to be moving in a year and I cannot change this

x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Seems like it's dead in the water, sorry. If you both agreed to delay living together when you got married and now he's decided it doesn't work after all, the mature/honest thing to do would have been to try to find ways to spend more time together, even if it meant DCs had a bit of inconvenience. If you get together now in an effort to fix the geographical/unhappiness problem you're shutting the stable door after the horse has well and truly bolted.

[Looksgoodingravy]

You feel so insecure because your dh has lost patience and doesn't want to deal with the pain he's caused you.

He needs to change if this is to work.

You also have the disadvantage of not living together to add to your worries.

He needs to step up and stop trying to brush this off and move on. He's got to reassure you even if you bombard him with questions 24/7. He has to be completely honest and open with you now.

I'm sorry OP but it doesn't sound like your dh is really that sorry. Perhaps he needs a shock to the system and you tell him it's over. Not normally something I'd say (I'm still with dp who has cheated on me, found out 9 months ago) but he needs the affair bubble to burst as it seems he's still floating around in it

[Fairenuff]

You're feeling insecure because your h is a cheating, lying bastard.

He doesn't love you or respect you. You don't trust him or respect him. As it stands you don't actually have a relationship.

You have a legal attachment to a man who doesn't want to commit. There are plenty of things you could both do to improve the situation but it won't work unless you both want it to.

The first thing is to stop blaming yourself, your situation and your children.

Open your eyes to what is actually happening here and stop letting him treat you like a doormat.

[charlotte300]

I must stress that I have said that if he wants to move on and finish this because he is unhappy then I will accept this that it is over and he says that he does not want to finish it he wants to be with me.

I have also said that I respect that he wants to move on with someone in London as I do not want to be with someone that does not want me 100% - he has said that he wants us to communicate and try to work through this together.!

I am confused as if I wanted a relationship to be over I would finish it - he just says that it is his love for me that stops him


Thank you so much everyone for your replies they are so detailed and I do agree with most of them and I will also consider the doormat thing @fairenuff

I am not to be blamed for his behaviour I understand this - I just cry alot and just about manage to go to school and teach it is very very hard to understand this amount of deception and lies - he has had a history of this with his first wife I think he may be narcissistic.

attention seeking


He also said that we should have never got married it should have been when we lived together - a little bit late for this 4 years on



xx

[MadAboutHotChoc]

The reason why he has not finished it 100% is because he wants you as his back up plan in case things don't work out.

He is taking the PISS out of you - take control and stop pandering to his whims!

[Fairenuff]

I am confused as if I wanted a relationship to be over I would finish it - he just says that it is his love for me that stops him

This is a lie. He wont leave you until he has another woman to go to. He doesn't want that yet, he wants to be free to continue behaving like a single man.

He also said that we should have never got married it should have been when we lived together

This has got nothing to do with his behaviour, he is just trying to deflect the attention away from himself and blame someone else. Anyway, how could you have lived together, you can't even do that now you are married!

he has had a history of this with his first wife I think he may be narcissistic

He is not going to change. Get yourself a solicitor and find out where you stand.

Was he seeing you when he was with his first wife?

[charlotte300]

Thank you for the reply

No I was not the other one when he was with his first wife

As he is still saying that he is unhappy with us etc.

I have asked him why has he chosen ME to make him unhappy why did he not choose her to be happy. It just does not make any sense.

x

[VanderElsken]

He is afraid of losing you. For a long time he has had to suffer no loss and he knows that without what you give him, he will be unhappier in some way, but without her he is unhappy too. He has built one relationship out of the two of you, getting needs met from different places. So whatever he did would hurt. Such is life and why affairs are such a bad idea. They end up hurting everyone including the person who has one.

[charlotte300]

Hi thank you all for your replies - they are so helpful @ this very awful time - I still feel very sad that I can not trust him at the moment and everything he says just feels like a untruth.

He is saying now that he is depressed and has closed down all his emotions during the times that he is not with me and when he is with me everything is ok he is happy -

He may have to relocate to Cornwall due to his job so this may be another reason due to the fact that he will have to leave his daughter.

I am very insecure about our future and feel like I am being used until he is sure of his feelings towards the OW.

He says that he is not with anyone else - he is only with me - he is just very upset at the moment and trying to work out why this has happened.

I can only wait and see - I will know more this weekend due to going to London to see him - we are going to a posh hotel as a pre valentine treat .