Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice appreciated

(11 Posts)
garlicblocks Sat 19-Jan-13 21:53:42

Izzy's got a point (or several.) I'm offering a bit more leeway, given your youth and fuckwittedness ... and the fact that I had an affair with a married lecturer, so was almost as dumb as you at your age!

LadyMud gave what I believe to be correct advice about the registration. If you were my niece (also 22 now) I would try to talk you out of wanting to name him. There is no reasonable chance of his becoming a "father" to your daughter so the only potential benefit of naming him would be to blackmail/threaten him with the CSA. The heartache you'd get from that would put your current predicament in the shade.

You'd get fuck all money anyway, given that he already has two families to support, and this would be an ugly mess to inflict upon your daughter. She deserves a calm, supported start in life NOT to know her mother used her as a bargaining chip!

Now. Your job. You think he's keeping it open to keep you quiet, right? I doubt it. What are your statutory rights re maternity leave?

Crocodilio Sat 19-Jan-13 20:46:53

Have you posted about this situaation before? It seems very familiar. Do I remember that he told you lots of lies to get you to sleep with him, and tried to maintain the relationship even though you were backing off?

LadyMud Sat 19-Jan-13 20:40:09

Stephanie, you CAN get the father's name on the birth certificate, but it's a laborious process.

First of all you need to get the birth registered with just your name. Then you'll need to go to court for a declaration of paternity. Finally you can go back to the registrar's to re-register the birth, with both names.

Good luck!

ImperialBlether Sat 19-Jan-13 19:47:01

I doubt you fooled his wife, tbh. If a pregnant girl turned up at my philandering husband's house for no apparent reason, I would let my mind consider the fact the baby was his, even if I then clamped it shut again.

I'm not convinced this is a true story, though. I think the detail of the black mini dress might be a touch too far. Oh and the fact that he doubled your pay, when you were an intern. Hmmm I don't really think so.

Are you hoping for a Fifty Shades of Shite book out of this story?

And will this thread get deleted for suggesting all is not what it seems?

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 17:24:01

Unless the company is his own, this man's employers should be made aware that he plays fast and loose with their money pays interns over the odds in order that he can have his way with them.

If your internship came about through the auspices of your university's placement scheme or similar, they should ensure that in future only male students should be put forward for consideration by this company.

It's hard to decide who comes out worst in this tale of mutual conceit deceit and deception; he as the serial adulterer who has preyed on a woman young enough to be his daughter, or the young woman who allowed her body to be bought for the price of a black mini-dress and a 50% increase on her salary.

It's a close call but the scales are marginally weighted in your favour merely because of your age at the time you calculatedly put out for him fell for the charms of an older man and the power of his wallet.

It seems to me that your hard boiled attitude to men and sex talents could take you far. You may even exceed the spoils material gains accrued by an acquaintance of mine who has 4 dc by a succession of exceedingly wealthy men, 3 of whom are married.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 17:19:41

Izzy is correct in that unless you are married you can not put the father on the b/c without him being present.

You can contact the CSA at any time even if he's not on the birth certificate but it may/could result in a DNA test having to be done if he denied paternity.

I think you are very young and are getting into a situation way over your head. And a lot of people are going to get very hurt. I think honesty is the best policy and you need to tell your family the truth for a start.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 16:55:08

Excellent words from Izzy who as always has the balls to say it like it is.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 16:51:04

If you are not married then the father has to be present when the birth is registered if it ever comes to CSA then DNA test would prove its his baby.

However, this man has no morals, deceived you about his family, bought you quite literally by offering you money....

Well done for wanting to stay at Uni and make something if your life, but you need to stay as far away from this man as possible....

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 16:49:42

He 'lets his penis rule his brain too much'? What part of your anatomy rules yours?

As you are not married to the father of your as yet unborn child, his name cannot be entered on the birth certificate unless he accompanies you to the Register Office on the date you register the birth and gives his consent to be named, or makes a statutory declaration to that effect if he is unable to attend.

With regard to contacting the CSA 'as soon as she is born', by all means add the CSA number to your mobile contacts and take it into the labour ward with you but, unless you wish to make immediate claim on the father for child support, there is no point in you doing so as you can lodge a claim at any time until she attains her majority.

You've blackmailed 'made' your ex-lover keep your job open for 'as long as you want it' and to continue paying you a good salary by way of contribution to the upkeep of his child, providing his dw doesn't find out that he's a serial philanderer who has no compunction about getting his legover with women young enough to be his daughter.

Do you consider this state of affairs to be entirely fair to his dw or are you thinking only of what you can scew out of him your bank balance?

Is he paying you a 'good salary' now and will he continue to do so if you decide you no longer want the job or find employement elsewhere?

If you found him attractive enough to shag despite the fact that he's older than your df, why have you concocted a cock and bull story about a one night stand/wrong number to explain your pg to his dw and to your dps/wider family/friends?

Are you happy to be thought of as a woman who puts out for randoms within hours/minutes of meeting them?

If you had no intention of telling his dw the truth, wtactual fuck were you doing in her home?

For an allegedly 'honest person' you appear to have slipped into a life of deceit remarkably easily. Do you intend to lie to your dd when she asks who her father is?

You are about to bring new and entirely innocent life into this world and I suggest you use this occasion to grow the fuck up woman up, tell the god's honest truth to ALL concerned NOW, and become a mother your precious dd can be proud of.

susanann Sat 19-Jan-13 16:12:02

Oh dear! Sorry youre in this position. But hes not really a nice guy , hes deceived you and his wife. Im not sure about the CSA or birth certificate thing, but Im guessing he cant stop you putting his name on the birth certificate. You are lucky to have your parents support. Hope it all works out for you.

Stephanie22 Sat 19-Jan-13 16:01:10

Hi, sorry I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one to talk to.

I'm not sure about something (read my situation below)..
would I be able to put his name down as the father on the birth certificate? or do I have to have his permission?
I'm thinking I will need his name on the birth certificate as a sort of insurance for if I ever lose my job so i can go to the CSA to claim child support from him. Would it work out that way?
Should i contact the CSA as soon as she's born? not for claiming benefit from him but just in case for the future.

About 18 months ago I got an internship placement while studying at university. It was at the interview for the job I met Paul.

For the first month on the job he was really nice with me he was wonderful I was really happy working there. He asked me out for a date which i declined mainly because he is too old, I was 20 and he was 45 (now 22/47). A week later he offered me a 50% pay rise - I had only been there for over a month, just so we could start seeing each other. I accepted (I know, I know), for his age he is quite good looking and we got on really well. The next day he gave me a new contract with the pay rise, as well as a gift - a little black mini dress. So we were meeting every Friday or Saturday or both, he didn't want to use condoms so I started taking the pill, nothing happened in the office we were totally professional so no one suspect anything of us.

About 10 months later I fell pregnant which he wanted me to get an abortion, so after a lot of time thinking about it I booked an appointment to get it done, but when I was at the clinic I broke down in tears I couldn't go through with it. This is when the truth started coming out...

All the time I was seeing him he told me he was living with his family and wife who were sleeping in separate beds as they were only living together for the kids sake.
A couple of months ago I went to his house as I had so many suspicions going round in my head. I met his wife and found out they are happily married. He was married before her who he had a son and daughter with who are 17/15 now. He then left her for his current wife who he has three daughters with aged 10/6 plus a baby girl just three months old now. In the back of my mind I was so distraught sitting there with his wife and their month old baby while I had to lie to her face about my bump being my boyfriends.

Now I'm 33 weeks gone, I've had to lie to my friends and parents that I had a one night stand and he gave me a wrong phone number. Truth is I don't want anyone finding out who the father is mainly because of the age difference, i mean my dad is 45, Paul is 47. I hate all this lying I've always been an honest person to everyone around me, if he told me the truth in the first place I wouldn't have ever slept with him, makes me feel so naive to have easily trusted someone.

My parents have agreed to offer me support after I've had my baby. I had passed my 2nd year uni exams and now I'm having to take a year out then will go back later this year after I've had my baby. I've made him agree to keep my job open for as long as I want it which I agreed to never let his family find out then he will continue paying me a good salary as his way to help support our baby. It's a girl by the way.

My mom has said she would like to babysit as much as possible so we agreed she would take care of her while I'm at uni. I'm not just "dumping my baby on my mom", it's something she seems to really want to do, surprisingly she is excited about me having a baby... given my situation being single. My dad just remains quiet, apparently they had a big argument.

I'm trying not to be horrible with him, he really is such a nice guy to be around, he just lets his penis rule his brain too much.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now