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I can't believe I've let this happen again I'm such an idiot.

(116 Posts)
sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 11:52:58

this was my original thread two weeks ago with the background info. But to sum it up I was in an on/off relationship for a few years. He was always breaking up over stupid reasons then getting back together. He broke my trust/let me down and treated me badly lots of times. Kept me hanging on for a commitment making promises. Broke up with me again just after new year.

I decided enough was enough and I was gong to cut contact which I did. He kept on texting and ringing, then when he couldn't get through to my mobile he started emailing and then on my work phone. I've completely ignored him for two weeks but he's kept on and on. He misses me, he's sorry, he's lonely, can't be without me. When that didn't work he started saying he had some bad news to tell me and I wouldn't be happy. Then it was he wanted to see ds (not his son but been there since baby), I won't break him and ds up, ds is as much his as mine. When that didn't work he started saying he was going to just come over.

I've lived with the blinds and curtains shut for the last two weeks, I'm not scared of him but he's likely to just drive over and felt spied on. When the door knocked I jumped out of my skin thinking he'd turned up. Obviously all the time I'm having to be strong as I still love him and miss him.

On Thursday it was starting to wear me down, then yesterday morning he was texting me as soon as I woke up asking if ds was off school, asked if he could come over and take us sledging. Kept saying he was sorry for being horrible and he wanted to sort things out for good. I cracked and said ok he could come over just to talk and take ds sledging. Turns out he wasn't even off work so he'd lied. Then he begged me to let him come over that night. I said ok and then he said the snow was too bad to get over and he couldn't get off his drive. This would have made sense had he not been to work plus the fact he got a 4x4 for this very reason. So I told him to just forget it, then he begged me to let him come over in the morning (today), said I was being childish and I'd never split him and ds up.

We ended up talking and he was saying how he's been so unhappy and fed up without me, he'll never leave me alone as he can't bear to be without me, how I'm gorgeous and funny and he'll never find anyone like me nor does he want to, how he knows he needs to sort himself out. He then said he never wanted to break up but I need to let him breathe and do his own thing. He said he wants all the things I want a stable relationship but he needs to be able to do his own thing. The way I feel about that is that we have lots of space to breathe and do our own thing. We were only together half the week if that as we live apart, we spent a week apart every 5 weeks when he was on call, he worked away often, I was rarely included in anyn of his family stuff, he only has the one friend but I've met him only once in 4 years and ex would go out every 2-3 weeks with him. I spent over a year not seeing him in the day at all on weekends while he did a load of work on his house, he goes skiing each year. He doesn't have any hobbies but if he did I would certainly never stand in his way. I just don't think I'm this clingy controlling person he makes me out to be, and if I ever have been a little it's probably because he broke my trust so many times. I just don't see what he's seeing, I loved spending time together but I like my space too I liked having a few nights a week to enjoy my own company.

Fast forward to this morning, he's asked can he come over to do the sledging, I said ok and then he changes his mind. Says I was right when I said if he loved me he'd leave me alone, I was right to ignore him, he's scared to come over as he'll be shouted at, he's feeling sorry for himself. Then says I must think he's happy but he's sad, all alone and scared. And asked me what would coming over achieve? I just don't know what's going on in his head I really don't.

If anyones still with me I know you're probably thinking what did I even see in him, but he can be such a nice guy. When we were actually in eachothers company we got on, liked the same things, both quiet, homely types. He was nice to me always complimenting me, he'd bring me a coffee in bed, he was close to my ds, I've even been away for the weekend and left him in charge with no worries. But he's also done some really horrible shit things which he almost didn't like to acknowledge he'd done, just expected me to shut up and move on.

Don't really even know what I'm looking for here just wish I understood what's going on in his head.

wewereherefirst Sat 19-Jan-13 11:56:23

He sounds like a child in need of constant affection. I wouldn't even think about what is in his head. Change your phone number and tell him to leave you alone as he is harassing you.

Do not respond to him again. He sounds an utter wanker.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sat 19-Jan-13 11:57:56

Stop trying to understand what's going on in his head, and spend more time understanding what you need for your own happiness.

(hint: start with a life free of this man.)

Focus on yourself. You deserve it. Leave PatheticIssuesMan to his own issues; they are his not yours.

Xales Sat 19-Jan-13 11:59:35

It doesn't matter what is in his head.

What matters is that he is fucking with your head and if you continue to allow this in out in out situation more importantly your son's head.

What he knows is that if he keeps pestering you and pestering you then after 2 weeks of ignoring him you will give in. So next time he will just keep on and on for 2 weeks until he gives in.

If you can't get him blocked change your numbers.

Ask work to block his email address/number it unprofessional for him to be contacting you about relationships there and it is you that will end up looking bad not him.

If he was vile all the time you wouldn't stay with him hence the nice periods to keep you drawn in.

Send him one text tell him not to contact you again or you will go to the police for harrassment. Then never talk to him again.

Xales Sat 19-Jan-13 12:00:09

*until you give in not he

MushroomSoup Sat 19-Jan-13 12:00:54

So have you seen him?
What happened?

You know he isn't the right man for you- you know it.
Stop letting him pull your strings. He's interested only in keeping you dangling. Stop listening to his words and start listening to his actions.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:01:32

Thanks for reading all that, I did change my number well I chucked my sim as it was only a £9 a month contreact due to finish, but he started on my work mobile. He was sending me 4-6 texts a day, he sounded as though he genuinely wanted another chance and as soon as I said yes he backtracked.

It was hard for me to take a stand but I'd built up a barrier by ignoring him and felt stronger and now feel like I'm back to square one.

Doinmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:01:46

He is seriously fucked in the head and he is messing your head up too. You need to be strong, this is never going to work. Tell him to NEVER contact you again and if he does you will take it further(police?).

Sometimes when you say 'no' you don't really mean it and he knows this. Say NO and mean it.

If you continue contact then you only have yourself to blame in allowing him to treat you like this .

SueFawley Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:22

He's not a 'nice' guy.
If he cared about you he wouldn't keep messing you about.
Make a decision TODAY to not have any further contact with him.

Needsomeperspective2 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:40

I would block his numbers and change as many of your own as possible. Tell him one final time to leave you alone and if he persists after that then call the police as he would be harassing you. Dd he adopt your do? If not you don't have to let him see him. If you really truly think your DS would benefit from a continued relationship with this man, then I would suggest to him you set up formal contact arrangements and do it all without seeing him at drop off and pick ups.

All easier said than done but you have to stop this man in his tracks. Wat he says about never giving you up is scary to me, if you have this in email or text form I would keep and possibly consider sharing with police on 101 number.

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:41

He broke my trust/let me down and treated me badly lots of times

And you are giving head space to this self-entitled abusive twunt because...?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:49

" he'll never leave me alone as he can't bear to be without me, "

He's a stalker.... an obsessive. Doesn't want you really, just enjoys the hunting process. Doesn't take no for an answer, doesn't respect your boundaries, doesn't even respect your wishes when it comes to your own child. That's a very nasty piece, very disturbing piece of work. Cut him off again and, next time he bombards you day and night, get straight onto the police and report him for harassment.

SueFawley Sat 19-Jan-13 12:05:13

As well as resolving not have any further contact with him, read your other thread again.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:06:47

No mushroom soup when I eventually agreed to see him he backed out!

I know what you are all saying I'll never understand him so stop trying.

I'm so fucking angry with myself.

Doinmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:07:57

You need to be angry at him. He will treat you badly as long as YOU LET HIM .

ImperialBlether Sat 19-Jan-13 12:10:11

What he wants is to have you give in, isn't it? He works at you again and again and the more you resist the harder he tries. The second you cave in he loses interest.

I wouldn't want anything more to do with him. Once you recognise the pattern, you can deal with it.

You may have to get an harassment order out on this bloke though. Answer the phone next time - tell him firmly that you want him to leave you alone. Record the conversation (can you do this on your phone?) If he contacts you again, write him a letter and send it by recorded delivery so that he has to sign for it. Reiterate that you want him to leave you alone. If he ignores that, go to the police.

Please, please don't cave in and agree to talk to him again.

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 12:11:18

He just wanted to fuck with you.

He can't stand to think that you aren't ready to kill yourself over the loss of him.

He's got to be desperately wanted by you.

while you were ignoring him - you had the power.

He had to make you want him again - so he could crush you again.

He is trying to hurt you.

He doesn't care about you.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 19-Jan-13 12:15:01

I feel really sad that you've let yourself be played again. sad This will happen EVERY time you let him back in - and it makes you feel the stupidest person in the world. He needs to know that he can "have you" whenever he likes, which you've effectively shown him he can!

There are, what, 3 billion men on planet earth - don't you think there are some who are nice, loving, complimentary, etc - but without the headfuckery??
Sorry if this sounds harsh but the day you get some real self respect and tell yourself you are BETTER than this, will be the day you feel a big weight off your shoulders.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:17:01

Thank you to everyone, In know lots of you have already given me lots of good advice, I am listening, in part finding relationships has helped me to ignore him for the two weeks that I did, now I need to start again but make it for good.

But seeing it here in black and white that his behaviour is not right helps a lot.

He didn't adopt ds although that was another empty promise of his, he used to say 'when' we got married it would be nice for ds to change his name and I always said we'd both keep our own. As much as it sounds nice in theory for ds to see him I know for sure that would never ever work. He's not at all reliable he'd play dad until he met a new girlfriend then drop him.

thenightsky Sat 19-Jan-13 12:21:59

Oooh I feel cross for you OP. angry

He begs to come over and when you finally give in he suddenly has no interest in coming over and even has the gall to ask 'what would coming over achieve'... well you tell me matey!

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:25:37

Stuffez, no I don't think anyone's being harsh, just honest. If I was offering someone advice in my situation I'd say the same I'm sure.

It's hard for me to believe and accept that he's that nasty and manipulative because he acts so pathetic and soppy.

sparklyjumper Sat 19-Jan-13 12:28:21

thenightsky exactly? Friday night after I told him to forget it all he asked why I was being such a bitch to him and why I wasn't interested in sorting our problems out. He just kept saying we could go sledging and then we could get some food and talk once ds was in bed, he was painting a picture. He even said he'd just come over then completely backtracked.

Jux Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:05

angry for you. You're doing the right thing for both yourself and your ds. I got trapped with a man like this, many years ago. 7 years of my life wasted on him. Don't let it last that long. He's a complete tosspot.

I like the name PatheticIssuesMan. Think of him as PIM, that'll take him down a peg or two in your mind grin

HecateWhoopass Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:09

He's got what he wanted though. That's the thing.

He didn't want to come over.

He just wanted you to want him to.

AnyFucker Sat 19-Jan-13 12:34:11

You are not back to square one, love

Just a minor setback

Tell him now to Fuck off and mean it

Re your son. He isn't his father so you do him no favours to keep this immature dickhead in his life

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