dating confusion (again sorry !!!)

[flamingnorah]

Hi ladies i posted this a few weeks ago
Dating again after 18 years (confused) it turns out there was a problem with messages getting through etc due to faulty phone so that's all good .
We have been on other dates since but i'm still a bit confused as although he constantly texts me and is always saying how attractive he thinks i am etc , it's always me that has to ask him out as it were .
We had conversationm in which he said he's shyand would never just presume i would go out with him again , i've said i think were past that stage now and i'm not going to say no it's just a case of saying ok when you free .
He's asked if i'm dating others which ive said no as i'm not he said he's not either .
I don't really know what i'm asking really as the signs are good that we like each other, but im confused by the lack of him asking so what the hell ??
If anyone has any wisdom please share , am i destined to be the asker all the time ?

[pictish]

Only if you want to be.
I wouldn't up for it. I'd need to be seeing more effort on his part...more oomph. It indicates a lazy, dependent type at best.

[flamingnorah]

Thanks for your reply , no i don't want to be the asker and arranger all the time !!
He asked the first few times and rearranged when he had to have his daughter at short notice (which i don't mind about at all , that's as it should be)
was just confused as we speak all the time yet the asking is always for me to do now and i was unsure of why !

[flamingnorah]

I'm wondering if i should just stop asking and see what happens ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He may have no choice about being shy but if what you want to see is a bit of enthusiasm and you don't want to be the one making all the running then leave him be. He sounds less 'shy' and more 'horribly insecure'... with a hint of underlying jealousy... and that is not a good character trait in a person.

[flamingnorah]

Hmm do you think so? i didn't get that as i had wondered if he was dating others so took it as a reasonable question.
My marriage was crap though my husband hit and abused me for most of it but this guy seems so far removed from my ex's line of behaviour i took it as a where are we kind of a question which is obviously what i'm thinking now but maybe i'm wrong ?

[nkf]

Stop talking to him all the time. Brief chats. If he wants your company, he has to ask to see you. That would be my advice.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's hard to recalibrate after an abusive relationship. The biggest thing you have to learn is to trust your feelings again and act upon them.

You see the question 'are you dating other people?' is normal in isolation. But in the context of a man that is doesn't have the confidence to commit to the next date, wants you to do all the running whilst at the same time sending constant texts containing compliments... it feels contrived to me. It may be very far removed from violence and abuse but needy/insecure/approval-seeking types present problems of their own.

If this man is making you feel less than comfortable for any reason whatsoever then put him back where you found him. Trust your feelings.

[dequoisagitil]

I think he likes having you to chat/text to, but isn't particularly interested in the realities of dating.

Either he doesn't have the emotional energy to spare or enough get-up-and-go or real interest in you to be a driver in the relationship. I'd let it go.

You've made it clear you're interested - he's not showing that he's keen in return.

Words may say yes, actions say no.

[backonline]

Is he an experienced dater? Arranging a date is a risk in that the other party may say "no". So it is easy to slip into the habit of letting the other one do all the suggesting as safer. Unless you are a naturally reflective type, this may not be obvious, even to yourself, unless someone points it out to you. So I would point it out to him. Arrange to see him again (as easier face to face) and tell him that you do not think that it is fair that you always have to face possible rejection and arrange dates so you will leave suggesting the next one to him. You could tell him semi jokingly, or seriously etc (which will depend on the way in which you find it easiest to relate to him) but I would point it out to him as he may simply not realise that he is taking the easy course here.

Have you talked to him about "the relationship"? Have you asked him why he texts but doesn't arrange dates?

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

I'd back right off and see what happens. If he arranges dates himself then well and good if he doesn't then you have your answer.

[dequoisagitil]

Backonline, she's already had that conversation with him.

[flamingnorah]

No he's only had 2 relationships which is one more than me !! haha
so were both a bit rubbish , he will message and say we need to arrange to go out and that's it then i have to follow it up with yes im free on whatever day so he is saying he wants to just not asking or perhaps saying that is asking in a fashion ?

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

That's kind of different then if he is suggesting that you go out. Maybe put it back in his court and say "sounds good when works for you" then he needs to come up with a concrete date time and place

[flamingnorah]

well he rang earlier and was going to come round this evening for some drinks and a take away but we have had a fair bit of snow and his car wasn't going anywhere so he's coming tomorrow evening instead when hes dug out .
This was his idea and also i only saw him tuesday so perhaps our chat worked.!!!!