Family-bit of an aibu?

[anannoyedwoman]

My db is known in the family for being quite irresponsible and also for being quite aggressive (not physically) and going on.

I don't know why he's like this but people walk on eggshells around him and he always dominates the conversations, he likes to make out he's hard done by.

We used to get on ok and we've always been there for eachother but the last few years I feel he's got worse in his ways. I don't like his life choices but feel he's my db and I should just accept him the way he is. He stopped working about 2 years ago and hasn't made any attempt to go back into employment yet he has been quite vocal about not approving of me putting ds in nursery while I work. There have been other things.

I don't want to go into too much detail as I don't want to be outed but he rang me to ask for a favour which involved me answering the phone an hour later to provide a reference for credit. I said that in an hour wasn't convenient as I was going sledging, he asked why I can't bring my mobile and I said I could but would rather not as I was going sledging and didn't want it getting soaked. I said I would do it tomorrow.

He went on to say that I could put it in my pocket and it wouldn't take much to answer a call and a couple of questions. And how if I didn't want to help that's fair enough but how if I'd 'broken down in my car or had a smashed window?' he'd help. I didn't think it was comparable at all but didn't want it to erupt into an arguement so just left it at that.

I've ended up not going, he spoke to me like shit, I was trying to make conversation and he said he didn't have time to make small talk about the snow.

I can't stand up for myself or he ends up getting upset, I wasn't deliberately being awkward but he wanted me to literally be available in the next hour. I feel as though if it were the other way round I'd have just accepted he was busy.

[TreadOnTheCracks]

A reference for credit? sounds a bit dodgy. Have you done it?

He sounds like a PITA, can you keep your distance?

[LoopsInHoops]

Does sound very dodgy. Loan shark?

[anannoyedwoman]

Just to add he went through a stage of reguarly asking to borrow money from everyone and he's upset quite a few people. But it's as though he feels he's justified because he'd be willing to help other people.

I rarely ask for favours and if I did it would be a genuine emergency or a reasonable favour such as an hours babysitting. I'm not a selfish person I've given him lifts when he's asked, I've babysat. My db is helpful but I feel as though he places an expectation that people shouldn't say no to him then.

[TreadOnTheCracks]

I think you've got to start standing up to him.

Say no.

[MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel]

By reference do you mean that you will be liable for his debt? I wouldn't be providing any sort of a reference based on what you have said about him.

[anannoyedwoman]

Well that's the other thing, I'm not entirely happy about it all or what it's for. It's not a loan shark but a high interest credit place. He has assured me it isn't a guarantor, I won't need to sign anything and I will be making it clear on the phone that I won't be liable for any debt. Apparently it's just to confirm he is who he says he is.

I don't really want to do it but if I say no he starts saying things like 'you've made mistakes in the past and I've helped you'. Things that happened years and years ago like me having a dodgy boyfriend hwen I was 18.

[anannoyedwoman]

He's not an easy person to stand up to he doesn't think rationally when he wants to get what he wants.

I definitely won't be agreeing to be liable for the debt.

[anannoyedwoman]

treadonthecracks, I do keep my distance now, sadly I feel I have to. We were much closer but when people say no he makes out that everyones against him.

[BerylStreep]

Can no-one else do it?

He can't hold things over you for years and years, that's just manipulative.

[HecateWhoopass]

Does it matter what he says?

I mean, if that's all he does is say stuff-can't you just let it go in one ear and out the other?

People like him behave like this for so many years, unchallenged, that they start to think they've some god given right to walk all over people. What they need is to be stood up to.

Even if they tantrum.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He's not an easy person to stand up to he doesn't think rationally when he wants to get what he wants. "

If he's irrational and aggressive, all the more reason to stop accepting that this is 'just how he is' and either standing up to him or distancing yourself.

[anannoyedwoman]

Beryl-he needs 4 references. I know it's ridiculous.

Hecate, you're right, I have said no about things such as the money, he ended up almost falling out with the whole family a while back over money. I just find it hard as I don't like to fall out with anyone and I don't like an atmosphere and he is master of holding grudges. Even my dm and df don't like standing up to him.

I wanted to confirm really that I was not being unreasonable because I ended up feeling as though I was being deliberately awkward when I'm pretty sure I just wanted to go out without being tied to answering the phone.

[BerylStreep]

It sounds dodgy if you have to be available within such a tight timescale.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"when people say no he makes out that everyones against him."

He's a bully. A person who refuses to take responsibility for their own mistakes. Far easier to cast about blaming others than accept your own shortcomings. Far easier to worry people into doing something for you rather than getting on and doing it yourself... or being pleasant about it. So you had a bad boyfriend when you were 18 and he helped you out?... so what? ... does that mean you're his slave for the rest of your life?

You may share some DNA but I think that's where it starts and ends now.

[Lueji]

So, these people call some random number (given to them by him) to "confirm" he is who he says he is???

[DoodlesNoodles]

Make sure you get a name and fixed line number for the credit people and call them back after you have researched them online. Record the conversation.

In future never, ever ask any favours from your horrible DB, he sounds like a thug.

Good luck.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Even my dm and df don't like standing up to him. "

He's got the whole family scared of him and that's appalling. Hope he doesn't have a partner because he/she would get a very rough ride.

[anannoyedwoman]

Lueji, I've checked out the website for the place he's going, it's dodgy in so far as they give out credit with high interest to people with bad credit ratings, it's not loan shark dogdy. Don't know about the references it does confirm on the website that they ask for this but assures it's not a guarantor. And I definitely won't be signing anything or even give my address. It's one of those high street furniture places.

CogitoErgoSometimes, you're right, thing is I think he either thinks he's right, and everyone else is mad, or that we're all in the dodgy club. For example when we spoke he asked me to do it, then said he knows I'm funny about things like that, as if I was strange somehow.

Noones phoned as of yet so hoping he's asked someone else. But he won't forget. I'm not scared of him but I want to keep the peace for the sake of the whole family.

[Fairypants]

My dsis can be like this- asking for a favour but its not ok to say no. I totally get how hard it is particularly when there is a tantrum whenever things don't go their way.
I feel you are perfectly right to go out as planned.
Would you have stayed in if someone else had asked who wasn't always askingfor/demanding favours? I know I am less likely to go out of my way for my demanding dsis simply because I feel that if I give a inch, she'll take a mile.
Just remember, he is responsible for his own life.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Sounds like you'll be doing him a bigger favour by not enabling an expensive loan.

There's something a little, er, something between sad and sinister about someone who tots up all the favours they've done people in their lifetimes and calls it in years later. Presumably not everyone would have accepted help if they knew it was part of an open-ended bargain rather than kindness. I'm guessing he does not remember quite so clearly all the times someone else has done him a favour and knocked it off the virtual tally.

[anannoyedwoman]

Doodles I think you're right, I rarely ask anyone for favours really. I've asked db on a couple of occassions to pick ds up, once was when I had really bad tonsilitis, and another time about 4 years ago I had a flat tyre and he helped me out and in his defence he'll go out of his way to help anyone if he can. BUT if he said he couldn't I'd accept it and not try to persuade/emotionally blackmail him. And I'm more than happy to help out with lifts or babysitting. It was just I didn't see this as an emergency and I was a bit miffed as he was rude to me.

[OpheliasWeepingWillow]

By not standing up to him your family is enabling his appalling behaviour. He needs to understand that shouting and bullying doesn't get results

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I'm not scared of him but I want to keep the peace for the sake of the whole family."

The trouble is that the whole family makes the same mistake. So everyone's 'keeping the peace' and treading on eggshells and no-one's actually very happy. That's all wrong. A whole family should not be held hostage to one person's bad temper....

If you talk to your parents and decide between you not to give in to his bullying that's at least 3 vs his 1.... The family will finally be at genuine peace. It'll just be one inadequate bully having tantrums and stamping his foot in isolation.

[anannoyedwoman]

Just typed a reply and lost it, can't remember who I was replying to now.

If you talk to your parents and decide between you not to give in to his bullying that's at least 3 vs his 1.... The family will finally be at genuine peace. It'll just be one inadequate bully having tantrums and stamping his foot in isolation.

You're very right, I'm not trying to sounds negative or put up barriers but if only it was that simple. My dsis always wants to sort out his life and solve his problems and goes into mother mode with him giving him lectures. My df won't stand up to him because (a) he's worried he'll lose his temper and (b) he blames himself for my db being the way he is (whole other thread). My dm did stand up to him a while back over something else when he really upset her and told him no more. Trouble was he didn't speak to her for weeks but he did stop asking over that particular thing and stopped telling us all.

But I know it makes sense.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then you can't change him and you can't change the rest of your family. The only person who you can change is yourself, how you respond to him and how much interaction you have. Keep him at arms' length, don't give in to the bullying and don't feel in any way responsible that his life has gone tits up.... it's all his own doing.