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Can a relationship EVER survive early deceit?

(34 Posts)
lacrymosa1971 Fri 18-Jan-13 10:31:32

We've been together just over a year. 5 months into our relationship, at a time when I thought we were as serious as a couple could be I found out he'd re-registered on the same dating site we met on and had been messaging women for months asking to 'chat' or some were inquiring about intimate encounters.

I contronted him and he had no choice but to admit it but said it was purely 'chat'/ego boost/something to do when he was bored/something to prove to himself how much he loved me etc etc. After a lot of thought I decided to forgive him although deep down I knew his excuses were bullshit and he was simply fishing for something better. I loved him however and couldnt bring myself to finish it.

Thing is, things were never the same after that. I began tapping into his facebook page when he was at work, everytime he got a friend request off a woman I tied myself up in knots thinking she was obviously from a dating site. Everytime he got a text off a woman I wondered who she was/how he knew her etc. Fuck everytime he worked a bit of overtime I had to convince myself he wasn't meeting up with dating site women but genuinely was working!

I managed eventually to push it all to the back of my head but it was always there. He moved in with me a few months ago for a trial run and everything has been ok but I know deep down I'm just telling myself I don't care that much about him anymore as I'm sure the relationship will end. I love him so much but for my own protection I've emotionally distanced myself from him.

Now we're looking into buying a house together and despite being able to hide my feelings for so long, I'm now feeling like I can't make this next step. It's too "big" and the feelings I've pushed to the back of my head that a) he's a liar and b) he can't be trusted have all come flooding back.

It happened 6 months ago but was going on for about 3 months before I found out. I feel like those first 6 months of our relationship was a complete lie.

Is the way I'm feeling normal?? can a relationship ever survive early deceit/disloyalty like this? should I be able to put it behind me and move on?

MrsMorton Fri 18-Jan-13 10:41:37

IMO no it can't. Even if you try try try it will always come up. I wish I had thought of this but you are sentencing you BOTH to a lifetime of suspicion and mistrust and trust me it is soul destroying.

notnagging Fri 18-Jan-13 11:06:38

Sometimes just writing it all down gives you your answer & it sounds like you've realised it now. Don't waste anymore more time op

EbbNFlow Fri 18-Jan-13 11:12:11

I wouldnt trust this guy as far as I could throw him.

ThePinkOcelot Fri 18-Jan-13 11:13:34

IMO, definitely not. Do yourself a favour and get rid of him. Who needs the heartache?!

flurp Fri 18-Jan-13 11:19:22

I don't think yours can - I would be the same in your shoes too.
Once trust is lost it is a very very hard impossible thing to regain and the fact that he cheated at such an early point in your relationship when you should have still been in the 'honeymoon' period is a really shitty thing to do.
Bottom line is you don't trust him and probably never will so if you stay with him you will spend your life checking up on him until you find what you are looking for. It will destroy you eventually.

dequoisagitil Fri 18-Jan-13 11:20:40

I think you would be mad to buy a house with him, feeling like this. Your gut is telling you no, and you have to listen to it.

Living together is 'ok' - but you're driving yourself crazy checking up on him. This is no way to live.

More commitment will not make everything work or give you the feeling of security & trust - it'll just mean you're more enmeshed.

I think your relationship is dead, it's just hasn't stopped walking yet. Shoot it through the head.

JustFabulous Fri 18-Jan-13 11:22:49

I would be interested in his answer if you asked him how talking intimately to another woman proves he loves you hmm.

I would dump him no question.

JustFabulous Fri 18-Jan-13 11:25:18

A relationship should be lovely, calm, happiness inducing and not be such hard work.

Why tie yourself to this prick?

There are other men in the world.

Learn to listen to yourself instead of settling for this dickhead because you don't want to be alone.

Why "aren't^ you listening to your instincts?

izzyizin Fri 18-Jan-13 11:27:22

5 months into it, your relationship with this man was blown and that was the time you should have dumped the fucker ended all contact with him.

You would be insane to commit yourself to buying a house with him or to think that the lack of trust you have in him is somehow going to disappear 'if only'.

You've given it a trial and it's not worked out. Send him on his way and don't listen to any pleas from him to change your mind.

Always trust your gut feelings honey; they're screaming at you now for a reason and that reason is he's a proven liar who won't be changing his ways anytime in this life.

pictish Fri 18-Jan-13 11:29:02


You know he was holding out for a better offer. You're not stupid.

He contacted other women to prove to himself how much he loved you?? What sort of bullshit is that? The sort of bullshit you are having difficulty swallowing, because you know it's a lie. And it's an outrageous, insulting lie at that - he must think you're desperate if he saw fit to pedal that one out, and have you accept it.

Your relationship will not recover, because you know the truth.

Have some self respect and put him where you know he should be...out the door!

LesBOFerables Fri 18-Jan-13 11:32:58

No. No way. Look at the other thread active at the moment. That's you, that is, if you carry this on.

LesBOFerables Fri 18-Jan-13 11:37:27

This thread. Horrible situation to be in. But the warning signs were there. Are you going to ignore them too?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 18-Jan-13 11:40:43

You would be mad to buy a house with him.

I know it's hard when you love them (or think you do) but honestly, a guy who is (or is trying to) cheat on you a few months into a relationship is not the guy you want to be with. Life's hard enough without this kind of crap.

It will be hard to do I know, but do yourself the biggest favour of your life and GET OUT.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 18-Jan-13 12:00:18

No, I do not believe a relationship can survive early deceit - nor should it. Your peace of mind and self-confidence have been eaten away by his deceit. It has damaged you, and staying in the relationship stops that damage from ever being healed.

"I confronted him and he had no choice but to admit it but said it was purely 'chat'/ego boost/something to do when he was bored/something to prove to himself how much he loved me etc"
- purely 'chat'/ego boost/something to do when he was bored - believable, but clearly indicate that (as you acknowledge) he regarded his relationship with you as only good enough until something better came along.
- something to prove to himself how much he loved me - nasty. Just plain nasty. Shows him to be a horrible, horrible liar. And that he thinks you were infatuated enough or stupid enough to swallow it. Shows a complete disrespect for you.

As others have said, do NOT buy a house with this lowlife. Bad enough that he has broken your heart and your spirit, do not let him damage your finances too. End it ASAP and give yourself a chance to mend.

flurp Fri 18-Jan-13 12:20:41

"something to prove to himself how much he loved me"
This has to be the worst excuse I've ever heard. So he was showing how much he loved you by checking out other women... He will be telling you how lucky you are to have him next because he turned them down for YOU!!!
He sounds like an abuser to me!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 18-Jan-13 14:09:45

A relationship can survive but, in your case, it is clearly holed below the water-line.

pictish Fri 18-Jan-13 14:14:31

He will be telling you how lucky you are to have him next because he turned them down for YOU!!!

I agree. I think by his logic, you're supposed to be flattered and grateful that he didn't shag someone else.





browniebear Fri 18-Jan-13 16:08:36

I don't believe they can survive. Once that seed of doubt is in your head it will only get worse. I tried desperately to get over it and trust ex again but it never goes away IMO.

TalkativeJim Fri 18-Jan-13 17:25:13

Get out OP.

You've spent the last 6 months trying to bury your instincts- luckily for you they're stronger than that!

He's not a keeper. He's a player and you know it - you will be heading for heartbreak with this one. Don't waste a second more on him!

izzyizin Fri 18-Jan-13 17:35:17

Aw jeez, I missed that one.

He contacted other women to prove how much he loved you???!!!

ROFL. That really does take the biscuit. Who the fuck would believe that one? He must think you are dim, dumb, and utterly besotted with (to nick AF's term) his golden cock to swallow that cock and bull story grin

Er, you're not dim, dumb, and besotted with his bits, are you? hmm

ProphetOfDoom Fri 18-Jan-13 17:48:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf Fri 18-Jan-13 17:52:10

My ex snogged someone at a party I was at. That was very very early in the relationship. I wish I'd bailed out then and there. I never felt quite right about things and in the end he did cheat big time.

ChuffMuffin Fri 18-Jan-13 17:53:19

Please don't buy a house with him. I am stuck on a mortgage with my ex p. The bank refuse to take my name off it unless I give them £10K.

badinage Fri 18-Jan-13 18:02:23


If in the first flush of a relationship, someone is casting his net wider, it means he either thinks there is better out there or he doesn't want to be monogamous but expects monogamy in return.


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