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If anyone is still awake, please help me

(96 Posts)
SneakyNuts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:14:21

I don't know how to word this, I can't even be bothered to name change

I woke 'D'P up earlier as he had fallen asleep on the sofa- when he woke. He swung at me sad

I suggested he go to his parents for the night and that he had scared me. Then he smashed up my laptop which had the only copies of all Dd's photos.

I'm fucking devastated

BitBewildered Mon 21-Jan-13 18:43:45

Thanks for the update. I'm glad you're ok, hope it all goes well. smile

porridgeLover Mon 21-Jan-13 12:47:12

As above good luck. Come back if you need support again.

AlienReflux Mon 21-Jan-13 04:19:20

Thanks for coming back and letting us know, really hope this is the kick up the area he needed.
good luck with it all

Sunnywithshowers Sun 20-Jan-13 20:49:13

Sneaky, I hope it gets better for you. smile As Leclerc says, we'll still be here.

TisILeclerc Sun 20-Jan-13 19:23:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SneakyNuts Sun 20-Jan-13 19:19:20

Hi all, I'm ok. I must say I am feeling slightly pressured by this thread to leave him but anyway...

He came back Friday night with his tail between his legs. He got a bollocking from his parents and seems really ashamed of what he's done.
We were due to get married (once we could afford it) but I've told him that's off as he needs to prove himself. He's been back to his usual self over the weekend- very helpful and kind.

I have let him know in no uncertain terms that this is not happening again, he knows I mean it.

Thank you for all of your comments, I felt really cut up that evening so I'm really thankful for you all being there thanks

TheAllNewMe Sun 20-Jan-13 16:56:39

The reason you have ended up in this situation is due in no small part to your having spent your formative years having it imprinted on your brain that a relationship between a man and a woman involves the woman getting abused. Your mother got out in time to save herself, but not you.

If you take him back you will be teaching your own child the same lesson. In 20 years' time she will be wondering if she over reacted and making excuses for the man who has just criminally assaulted her and destroyed her possessions.

Is that what you want?

AlienReflux Sun 20-Jan-13 16:35:36

hey sneaky how you doin love?

you know we won't judge you if you're trying to work it out, but please keep posting, it's so easy to not see the wood for the trees in these situations.

hoping you're alright either way

BitBewildered Fri 18-Jan-13 15:03:44

You're not alone. You can cope. It will be ok without him.

porridgeLover Fri 18-Jan-13 12:10:13

Actually yes you can cope on your own.
Truely, you can.

You have been programmed to believe that you cant. But look at your DD. Think about what you want for her. Do you want to to be hit by her partner in 25 years time??
No? Show her how it's done. You will NOT regret this.
It is scary, people may tell you you're over-reacting, that he didnt mean it, it was just one thing blah blah blah. But I, and many others here have been where you are....and we survived getting rid of that poisonous partner. You CAN do it.

I get the feeling he really didn't mean to do it

What he (or anyone else who says this) really means is

'Im sorry for myself that I did the wrong thing and now I have to face the consequences. No-one told me that there would be any bad reaction to me behaving like that. I dont deserve this. I feel sorry for me'.

His concern is for himself...not you and not your DD. If he was concerned, he would be keeping away from you, trying to figure out why he does this, and how he can change himself. If you see that happen there will be a blue moon then you can think about having him back.

dequoisagitil Fri 18-Jan-13 11:55:37

It doesn't matter whether he 'meant to do it'.
He did do it.
And he's done it before.
He will do it again.
It is something he does.

You don't want this to be happening, of course you don't, you want it all to go back to normal. But if you will just be going back into this cycle of violent behaviour if you let him back in, and he may well get worse. Better, charming, loving, remorseful for a while - then swinging at you again.

You'd be doing your dd a favour by not taking him back, not subjecting her to what your dm showed you as you were growing up. Don't make her mistake.

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 11:48:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameTaken Fri 18-Jan-13 11:47:14

Don't panic. You're doing the right thing. You're being a better mother to your DD than your mother is being to you.

I left my abusive ex when DD was 18 months old. I was racked with guilty and agony because I felt I was separating a little girl from the daddy she loved. I was always daddy's girl myself. But hard as it was, it was the right thing to do. DD has a relationship with her dad, but even more importantly, she has a home with me where she is safe and happy.

Taking your ex back is not the solution. Don't do anything hasty. Give yourself a breathing space. Contact arrangements can be made so your DD will still see her father. But the most valuable thing you can give her, more important than her daddy, is a peaceful home, free of violence and abuse.

Try to line up some kind of real-life support - Women's Aid or the Police DV contact point will help if family and friends can't.

This won't go away. If you take him back, he will do the same thing again, and this time your DD might be a witness. These are not the childhood memories you want for your child.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 11:40:51

I can't cope on my own. My friends can't really help either.
Now I get the feeling he really didn't mean to do it.

Tis yes DD is 13 months. I feel like I'm struggling already sad

porridgeLover Fri 18-Jan-13 11:22:54

Sneaky hun. You have done the right thing. Your mum (for whatever reason...not your problem) is in denial and doesn't want this for you....she is probably hoping this will all go away.

You are probably not in the habit of standing up for yourself, but now is the time to start. It will feel great. Honestly.

Do not under any circumstances allow him to come back to your house.
Any conversations with him about your joint finances, the house, DD etc can be done without him moving back in.

Get some real life support.....anyone who tries to minimise it, is not on your side.

ThePinkOcelot Fri 18-Jan-13 11:21:31

So sorry this has happened to you Sneaky. Am livid with your mother on your behalf. She might think the world of him, but you are her daughter! FGS, is she for real. Disgusted with her TBH. Hope you have someone else in RL that you can rely on because your own mother has let you down big time! xx

JuliaScurr Fri 18-Jan-13 11:15:14
will help re legal issues, money etc

Snazzynewyear Fri 18-Jan-13 11:11:54

Your mum specifically said she doesn't believe you? She has let you down hugely then. That is awful - it is a parent's job to be on their kid's side for things like this. I suspect that TisILeClerc is right and she is in denial about what happened to her therefore she also has to deny it when it happens to you.

I echo the suggestion to ring Women's Aid. They will believe you and advise you. Also about ringing another friend. Don't be tempted to let him back in. If he keeps pressuring just say you need space for now, to avoid a discussion before you are ready for it.

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 11:04:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc Fri 18-Jan-13 11:04:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlienReflux Fri 18-Jan-13 11:03:30

It's only been a morning, don't get sucked in OP.

Good that he's taking the laptop to be repaired, and that he's sorry, although, I do think, that's because you've put your foot down and shown him the door.
at first, he was blaming you!!

and yes, bloody right he should tell your Mum what happened, fgs don't be pushed into anything today, take time for yourself, you're still in shock, and not being supported.

Is there anyone else, like a friend that will support and believe you?

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 11:02:03

Sneaky, have you got a good friend you can call?

There may be a whole host of reasons why your Mum is acting like this. Pure speculation on my part, but she may be in denial simply because she is desperate to believe that you would never be in a similar situation to her.

SneakyNuts Fri 18-Jan-13 10:51:57

To answer some questions-

The first time he smashed a vase, it cut up the vinyl flooring in the kitchen.
My Mum doesn't know about that. I saw my Dad treat her terribly, even pin her down on their bed when she told him to leave- I was the one to run in and stop it...why won't she believe me?

DP said he will tell her what happened. He is really very sorry and is getting the laptop fixed ASAP. He's missing DD and she is missing him.

Lemonylemon Fri 18-Jan-13 09:49:41

Your mum may think the world of him, but she hasn't had to live with him. You and your DD are better off without him.....

Just give yourself a couple of days to start calming down and give yourself some headspace and then you can start thinking about how to live.

If you read one of the support threads for emotional abuse, I think the poster olgaga has posted a lot of links to support organisations that you can access.

Good luck.

AlienReflux Fri 18-Jan-13 09:45:29

You're tired love, and no doubt bitterly dissapointed in your mums stance, she may think the world of him, but what he's done is real, does she know about the last time?

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