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DH's gift to OW

(182 Posts)
madgered Thu 17-Jan-13 19:48:52

Tell me what you think. My DH gave OW a £250 bracelet for Christmas. I saw a text he sent saying; "Hi gorgeous. Happy Christmas x". He says it was just a flirtation and nothing sexual happened. He says they met a couple of times for lunch and spoke on the phone quite a lot. What would you think if you were me?

badinage Thu 31-Jan-13 12:41:47

Have you shown the solictor the E mails? If you have and he still said there was nothing you could do, then change your bloody solicitor, because this one's a dud.

Smudging Thu 31-Jan-13 07:22:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Thu 31-Jan-13 07:04:58

yes I really want him to leave. but he flat refuses. the law cannot help me. I've spoken to my solicitor about this and he said there is nothing we can do unless I am physically threatened.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt Thu 31-Jan-13 06:24:39

I lived with my xh for a year whilst he had an affair. I didn't realise the affair was going on for most of that year but it was a strange and awful year. When he left it was an incredible relief and I realised how strange the home had become. There was no shouting or arguments in the house, just an odd atmosphere where in the end each member of the family became quite isolated and odd.

XH stayed in the home for that year for a variety of reasons. In retrospect I do think it would have been much better for everyone for him to have gone much much earlier.

Three weeks is no time at all. What you will think at three weeks is way different to 2 months, 4 months, 8 months...I think he needs to go quickly ideally but I can see it's difficult to make that decision now and it could take a while to get to that point.

badinage Thu 31-Jan-13 00:43:06

A calm house is still one with a dreadful atmosphere. Just because you're not throwing things at one another and shouting, doesn't mean it's not an oppressive environment for children. They must be completely torn about what's going on.

If he still wants a divorce, yes he is still seeing the OW. I don't know why you need to think otherwise.

Why don't you use the e mails as evidence of abuse if you want to get him out?

I fully appreciate that this is still unbelievably new and raw to you, but if you honestly intend to co-exist like this until the divorce, it will damage your children. It will further damage you too, but you and he have choices and your kids don't.

Please consider a civil conversation with your husband about him moving out for the sake of the children and if that doesn't work, use the abusive e mails as evidence.

madgered Wed 30-Jan-13 22:57:17

Very tricky situation and you're right we both need to grow up.

it's been 3 weeks since I discovered his affair and emotions are still running high for both of us. I don't think he's seeing her anymore, so he's got stuff to deal with too. I don't want to get back together with him because it will be mental self flagellation.

I know you're worried about the DCs, but I can promise you the house is calm. we avoid each other and no longer communicate unless necessary. I've blocked him on my email. he gets the message that his behavior is unacceptable. if I'm in the kitchen he'll go into the sitting room and play with the DCs. when dinner is ready he tells them he's got a bit more work to do. if he goes out I babysit and vice versa.

we can't move into the other properties because there are tenants living in them. DH works from home and our home is close to the DC school. We have both been advised by our solicitors to stay put.

it is a lot to put up with.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 30-Jan-13 22:29:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage Wed 30-Jan-13 21:54:56

I don't think it's possible for the children not to feel any vibes in this horrendous situation. You might like to think they aren't suffering any adverse effects, but I think you're kidding yourself a bit there.

I don't understand why if as a family, you own other properties, it's not possible for you and the children to move to one of those? Those are joint assets as you are married. Now that your husband has sent abusive E mails, I'd advise returning to your solicitor because emotional abuse is classified as DV these days and you would probably have enough to get him out, especially as he has places to go.

Are you absolutely sure that one of the reasons you're staying put isn't because you think he'll change his mind about the divorce? I've had the impression throughout this thread that if he hadn't been pressing to divorce, you would have caved in and believed the unbelievable about his affair. I think that's what's behind the phone business. If you were committed to divorce I don't think you would be obsessing about the affair and his contact with the OW. You know he's been at it - why did you need further proof?

scottishmummy Wed 30-Jan-13 21:20:42

time to both grow up.really.youve al got to live in that weird hate you vibe
him stop sending abusive emails,you stop acting like bulgy eyed ex throwing out phone
so long as your both intent on staying put,avoid each other,cool,cordial

madgered Wed 30-Jan-13 14:02:14

I know. I wrote him a letter a week ago asking him to please give me some space to get over my awful shock at his revelations. I explained that I need to work through my grief and I need to adjust to my new life as a single mother. therefore I will no longer do things for him and with him, ie cook his meals, washing etc. To be fair he has respected my wishes and has kept out of the way. He probably feels the same!

he has now been conversing with me via email, which has thrown up it's own set of problems. He feels free to be incredibly abusive. So I've put a stop to that by blocking him.

We no longer discuss the divorce. it is now handled throughout the solicitors.

we manage to work around the children without any vibes. if they ask where daddy is I just tell them he's working late.

bedtime stories and such things somehow manage to work themselves out, sometimes he does it and sometimes I do. it's strange, but it just happens naturally without us having to say much to each other. weekends need a bit of dialogue. We're both so sensitive about keeping things calm for the DC

I am feeling calmer. especially now that I've got rid of that infernal phone.

I know it will take time, so I'm keeping myself busy. I've no where to go, he has, perhaps he'll eventually decide to clear out. I have safe havens here at home where I can escape to if need be.

badinage Wed 30-Jan-13 01:11:47

I don't think this atmosphere is at all healthy for you and the children.

It can take a long time till divorce and the sale of houses. It really isn't worth living under the same roof until that happens.

It's all very well for solicitors to say 'sit tight' and 'you can't force him to move out' but they are giving legal advice, not advice about the emotions involved or the harm all this does to children.

Can you at least try to sit down with him and have a civil conversation about how this living together is bad for you all and as he has other properties, it would be better for him to move out? Or for you all to move into one of them, or rent another? You can get something legally drawn up in the interim that will protect your financial interests in owned properties.

Please don't let this go on all the way till divorce. It's very bad for all of you. While I understand you trying to get into his phone and doing what you did with it, all this just raises the temperature of an already volatile situation.

Absolutelylost Wed 30-Jan-13 00:55:08

I laughed at the waterborne phone, my fantasies are around throwing it on the fire in front of him. I do regularly pop into the kitchen and sneakily turn the wifi on and off again - the 'poor connection' drives him wild!

ProphetOfDoom Tue 29-Jan-13 20:32:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Tue 29-Jan-13 20:12:32

I hope you delete history when youre finished on mums net,and laptop/ipad/ phone

madgered Tue 29-Jan-13 20:09:40

He's furious. Can't get in touch with OW.

He's convinced I've got it. I just look disinterested. grin

ProphetOfDoom Mon 28-Jan-13 22:07:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 28-Jan-13 22:06:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Mon 28-Jan-13 20:20:29

Yes it is password protected and it was on vibrate. Couldn't crack the password.

I felt so awful about it I got rid of it and threw it in the river! My guilt will haunt me for days. At least I won't turn crimson when he employs our entire household for a second day of searching.

That was one of my maddest psycho moments and I'm not proud. I hope I don't have anymore of these episodes. Horrible feeling.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 28-Jan-13 17:11:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Mon 28-Jan-13 06:59:21

I've done something really silly. I've managed to get hold of his phone. I've hidden it and I'm going to try and hack into it. I need to know if he's still seeing her. I know this is bad and compulsive behavior. he's going nuts trying to find it, suspects I've got it. Oh god what am I doing. should I just throw it away?

ProphetOfDoom Sun 27-Jan-13 21:00:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Sun 27-Jan-13 20:07:07

I'll look into the occupation order. We're in the early stages of divorce at the moment. he isn't unpleasant or abusive. my solicitor says there isn't anything I can do unless he's abusive . I'm just so hurt by what he's done, I'm finding it hard even just hearing him move around. AArgh!
I've lost 1/2 stone since Christmas! looking quite hot actually!

ProphetOfDoom Sun 27-Jan-13 19:08:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgered Sun 27-Jan-13 18:59:22

he refuses to move out. I cant. We try to avoid each other. I don't cook for him and tonight for the first time he's cooked, but not for me. Which is good, what I want. but today's been tough. Our DS had a music concert and we all travelled together to see him and had to spend the day together. I found it hard, it's set me back. He seems quite cheerful. I just want to kill him every time I have to look at him. any tips would be very helpful. trying to maintain no contact is impossible.

Numberlock Sun 27-Jan-13 18:00:55

What steps are you taking to arrange separate living, OP?

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