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Could this be the end? Trust, paranoia, his. (way too long first post)

(52 Posts)
loveboathitrocks Thu 17-Jan-13 15:48:39

Where to start?

I cant sleep, barely eat, cant think straight, started smoking again, can barely take the evening 'wine as medicine', my stomach is too empty, feel numb, exhausted, nauseous, scared, confused......

DP is my first serious love story and we've lasted four years to date. We'd known each other very distantly through mutual friends for almost 18 years. He'd come out of a 16 year relationship, I am step-mum to his three teenagers and we have DD of our own, 22 months today.

We got together when I was 37 and had both been single for a couple of years. I've had a few meaningless short (1.5 - 2 Year) relationships at various times in life but have otherwise been single, sometimes celibate for many months and other times having what I thought was a reasonable (not slutty) dose of casual sex. I never thought I'd meet someone at that age and be totally and utterly head over heels in love, he has been the happiest years of my life, despite what I'm about to describe.

My DP has been obsessed with my past sex life, in particular that not everyone was white, he is. Most of the time we are a happy couple getting on with life and the four kids we have between us, although three live with their Mum, we have them about a reasonable amount of time. Then this rage flairs up where he calls me every name under the sun, its' too embarrassing and offensive to repeat here. He puts words into my mouth, makes statements about me that are just not true and doesn't believe the things I say repeatedly and have done so over the years. My message to him is consistent and never changes, I love him with every cell of my being, fancy him from top to toe and only him, want to grow old with him and care for each other for the rest of our lives, adore him, respect him etc. I have no desires for ANY other men from the bottom of my heart this is true.

Anyway, long story short, if possible: On Monday I tried to talk to his cold brick wall that he's put up for a few weeks, signs I know too well, and he's come out with the same as above, it makes him sick, he'll never get over it, he cannot stand the snickering that other guys do behind his back, he loves me and knows that I love him, but he cannot be happy and cannot get over this. Friends of the friend that bought us together and really know me in a very removed way work with him, if they know anything about me or even my past sex life, it is gossip and thrice removed.

A day later he's hugging me and using our nicknames again (always a sign of peace) and being sweet, then came home pissed and hours late for dinner last night and started, that I'm a fucking liar, all I do is bullshit, bringing up questions he allegedly asked me years ago and proving how I don't tell the truth. To be honest, I think it is a woman's right and in our interests not to have to pen out each and every sexual encounter we've had when single to our lifelong partner, I don't think either party need that, it's not sexy, loving or dignifying. So I haven't gone into detail about my past but he does know the gist of it, which I think is fair. When he started to rage at me last night I said as much, he threw furniture, broke some of DD's toys, shouted at me to get out the sooner the better. I 'slept' in our bedroom with the baby-gate locked between me and the spare room.

I know he is a bully, and twists my head and words but he's not a danger to me or baby, for those of you who might suggest it, he's never raised a hand to me, nor his ex, or kids and although he gets flipping mad, its' more an expression of his anger. I know what it feels like to be so angry to throw things across the room. It's really not an OW issue either here ladies.

He left for work angry but quiet today. Baby is sleeping now, its' afternoon and the step kids are with us soon, so there will be a rest from it tonight. There is a significant possibility that with a few more tearful, angry, hideous evenings he completely calms down and will be loving again, but I've been through this more times than I can count now and each time I become more resigned and it feels more real, the prospect of it really happening, us separating.

I don't have any problem with him apart from these 'episodes'. Life with a little one can get a bit humdrum as you all know and we niggle each other, and have our good days and tetchy days, but I am happy and couldn't imagine my life without him. His 'brewing and blow ups' have become less severe and occur less often as time as gone on, this hasn't happened for over a year and it used to happen more nastily and often, so there is some improvement and I know he's made a conscious effort to try and manage his feelings and not externalise them. Once the dark cloud passes, it takes me weeks or months, depending how bad it was, to feel settled again and not worry about his every nuance, or who I will get home that day. That said I actually get better at it too, and try not to internalise all his shit about me.

But I'm in the eye of the storm right now and all I can see ahead of me is single parenthood, living all alone with just DD, who will save me from being suicidally depressed. I quit a freelance career (14 hour days) to take care of her and cannot go back to that lifestyle as a mum, so would have to find a new career/job at 41! We are not married but I am sure if it we do split I will be looked after, he is not a bastard at heart, takes good care of his ex and kids, is a fantastic Dad, fair, reliable, consistent and decent and quite able to provide for more than one family. I know I am very lucky on this issue.

It is the emotional turmoil that brings me here. He's a man that trusts nobody, always believes things will go bad in the end, looks for the weakness in anything good and then obsesses about it. He is without a doubt very angry about my past and feels that I should have told him everything up front and blames me for the whole thing. Whether justified or not, he is hurt and angry, this plays right into his trust issues and I think the only way he can show me how much it hurts him is by making me believe he doesn't want to be with me, he knows that's as painful as it gets for me. I go through moments of numbness and of absolute wretched pain and heartbreak. Historically, when he sees me at a certain point of madness and emotional fucking sadness and the separation becomes emotionally real to us both, he sees how much he loves me and melts, like it all ebbed away down a dirty gutter somewhere.

It's is ruining our beautiful family and love story and breaking my heart. Are there any wise old souls out there who can offer some advice?

CastroIsDead Wed 30-Jan-13 21:12:45

you need to take steps to remove yourself for your dds sake. my dm married a man just like yours an i can tell you that living in fear and watching your dm being abused is damaging. i can tell you that even after you have kissed and made up and he seems ok the shadow of it and the fear remain with the dcs and they won't forget. i watched my dm go from a bubbly vibrant person reduced to someone who had to walk with her head down from fear of his jealousy. if she smiled at the postman then she must be sleeping with him. ridiculous and insulting . thank god she got out but not before damage was done to myself and my siblings not 1of us have had a happy healthy fulfilling relationship

NettleTea Wed 30-Jan-13 20:44:35

Loveboat i think, and I mean this kindly, that you need to go back into therapy, and possibly look out the 'Freedom Programme' - you can do it online, so that you can get to the bottom of why you felt it was acceptable to stay with a man who treated you like this for 4 years (though Im guessing he didnt start off like this) and to help you build the boundaries for your next relationship.
Your past is nothing to be ashamed of. As others have said, you lived your life, and there re very few of us here who havent done much the same a some point.
You cannot help put your STBX partner back together again, thats his journey to make, and only will happen if the losses he has are big enough for him to acknowledge that his behaviour needs addressing. Most dont. Some may give lip service to it, but fundamentally its because most believe they are entitled to behave the way they do.
I can understand you thoughts about being 'looked after' as you probably feel that you have given up a good job to look after the baby, but sadly without you being married (and even if you had been 4 years isnt enough) support would only be for the child - spousal support is the thing of american movies and courts, doesnt happen here except in extraordinary cases. Maybe you can look into going back PT.
But i am glad you are getting out and wish you the best.

ShephardsDelight Wed 30-Jan-13 17:29:43

Unless you had cheated you have nothing to be ashamed of, you shouldn't be tolerating this at all , I think his behaviour is abusive tbh and you should leave while you still can.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Wed 30-Jan-13 17:12:58

Sorry - I see that you are separating, so that last question is redundant.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Wed 30-Jan-13 17:11:42

Loveboat - take an objective look at the things this man has said and done to you and ask yourself this:

Would you be happy for your dd to be in a relationship with a man who treated her like this? Do you think there could be any behaviour of hers that would make it OK?

I am willing to bet that you would be appalled at the mere thought, and the answer to the second question is 'Hell, no!' - and I hope that this might help you to see how unacceptable his behaviour and attitudes are.

You shouldn't accept any behaviour towards you that you wouldn't accept towards your dd, or any other human being, for that matter.

One last question - do you want your dd to grow up thinking it is OK for a man to treat a woman this way? He is highly unlikely to change, so if you stay with him, she will see how he treats you and accept that as a norm. She might end up in a similar relationship as a result, and I am sure you don't want that.

loveboathitrocks Wed 30-Jan-13 16:55:34

^Quote: fromSunday GIRL
Wow. I don't get these boards sometimes. You can get a mix of someone with pages and pages of support and heartfelt advice with similar problems and people being incredibly patient, sometimes for weeks on end. And then a poster like this being summarily 'told off' on another. Often on the same day.

Maybe the OP has not yet begun the (often) slow process of really admitting she is being abused. Maybe it's not such a good idea for lots of posters to jump down her throat from the get go.

Just a thought.^

Thank you Sunday Girl. As you can see I cannot quote or highlight names (2nd post only)..... but thanks for realising that there was a fair number of posters being really bloody critical. The name of my post was 'Is this the end?', not "I will do anything to stay with this bastard'.

This has blow up happened once in the last 12 months, and only twice in DD's lifetime. Whilst I was writing on Mumsnet she was sleeping peacefully in her cot and when we have had these 2 episodes, we are grown up enough to make sure she is in bed and asleep before we talk - not shout. So I take huge objection of some people suggesting I am neglecting my daughter, who is brilliantly cared for and loved.

Your right I wont be back here much but I do thank the kinder of you posters who offered thoughtful advice and experiences very much.

I am not here to defend my difficult DP and am already in the process of looking for somewhere to move, either he or me first, we have confirmed that we are splitting and it is really tough as many of you know. But you need to think about where someone might be at in their process before some of you start jumping down their throats. Everyone has to start somewhere.

MorphandChas Sat 19-Jan-13 11:48:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grannysapple Sat 19-Jan-13 11:32:09

This kind of 'condition' is not amenable to counselling, in fact it makes the situation even more dangerous. This man will merely use the counselling to his own ends and the OP will find herself abused even more by being honest in the sessions. I know, I tried it and the counsellor refused to see us any more as she was so concerned.

Just get out but make sure you have RL support to hand, OP.

badguider Sat 19-Jan-13 10:08:58

This guy has serious enormous issues (if he genuinely is obsessed with your past and not just using that as an excuse). He needs specialist help. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that these thoughts about your past are really seriously causing him torment then If he won't go to proper counselling with you then you need to leave him. I hardly ever say LTB on mumsnet but its clearly counselling or leave (and even with counselling you might still end up having to leave).

grannysapple Sat 19-Jan-13 09:54:12

I had one like this OP. We ended up in a psychiatrists office. The psych diagnosed Morbid Jealousy, one of the most dangerous types of personality disorders. Look it up. I got out whilst I still had my sanity and could see the future.


My adult DS (who was about 11 at the time) still remembers hearing the verbal abuse through his bedroom wall. You can't tell yourself that your DD doesn't pick up on what's going on. She does.

nospace Fri 18-Jan-13 10:51:38

OP, if he didn't use your past as a stick to beat you with, then he would have found another thing to use, to treat you as his whipping boy, to keep you in the doghouse, that you are a bad person and he is good. It's cruel to knowingly manipulate a partner to the point where they are in an uncontrollable state of wretchedness, it's sadistic. that's not loving.

nospace Fri 18-Jan-13 10:48:05

OP, if he didn't use your past as a stick to beat you with, then he would have found another thing to use, to treat you as his whipping boy, to keep you in the doghouse, that you are a bad person and he is good. It's cruel to knowingly manipulate a partner to the point where they are in an uncontrollable state if wretchedness, it's sadistic.

hopkinette Fri 18-Jan-13 01:48:21

His previous relationship was 16 years. You've "lasted four years to date" (interesting choice of words).

Can you do another 12 years? Why wait til you're 53 to accept that this is who he is, fundamentally this is part of his personality, and he is not going to change? Can you live with this for over a decade more, OP? Throughout all the rest of your forties and beyond?

You do deserve better. Being alone would be a million times better than what you have now. Leave.

SundaysGirl Fri 18-Jan-13 00:44:38

Yea well. I don't find the communication style to my taste but some people express themselves in a more 'flowery' way when writing.

Doubt she'll be back though so nevermind.

olgaga Thu 17-Jan-13 23:31:12

OP you need to read your post again. What would you say to a woman who'd told you all that?

He is without a doubt very angry about my past and feels that I should have told him everything up front and blames me for the whole thing.

He has no right to be angry about your past! He's using it as a stick to beat you with whenever he feels like it, precisely because he knows there's nothing you can do about it.

This is disastrous for your DD. For heaven's sake, don't force her to grow up thinking it's normal for women to be walking on eggshells in their own home, waiting for the next explosion of cruelty and abuse, broken furniture and toys.

Are you really so desperate to hold on to this abusive man that you are prepared to sacrifice not just your own happiness, safety and security, but even that of your infant daughter?

Love story? Definitely not.

SignoraStronza Thu 17-Jan-13 23:00:38

Please leave him. I had one almost exactly as you describe, except that with each one of his tantrums a little bit of my love and respect for him died. Final straw was when one of the missiles thrown in his rage hit our dc in the crossfire.

Look up borderline personality disorder. Go on the freedom program to help pull the wool away from your eyes.

DC was 2.5 when I left. Even then it took at least two years to sort her out. Please don't leave it any longer. You won't be able to change him. He's unlikely to seek and sustain help for himself and you will forever be treading on eggshells.

nospace Thu 17-Jan-13 22:28:42

OP, I know there's alot to take in from everyone's posts, and I know you want a happy ending, but, in the end, there will be no 'reward' for endurance and suffering, there is no prize, and there are situations where just because you put all your energy and effort and commitment......into them, they still cannot be made good, and this is what I hear from your post- that you have tried so hard, but cannot process it all yet.

Sunnywithshowers Thu 17-Jan-13 21:39:25

<applauds Oxford>

AnyFucker Thu 17-Jan-13 21:20:09

hear fucking hear

arthriticfingers Thu 17-Jan-13 21:12:26

Spot on Oxford

OxfordBags Thu 17-Jan-13 21:06:17

Yes, AnyFucker, YES!!! (I want to say that to everything you post, btw)

OP. you sound like Bella mooning over Edward in bloody Twilight, not a grown woman nearing middle-age with a daughter. Beautiful man, love story, my arse. You're getting off on believing you can save, change, heal this man whom everyone else has treated so badly, who has become this racist, abusive, misogynist,paranoid freak of a human being through zero fault of his own, and your reward will be fairybook style perfect love and passion. I'm being tough because you need to do like a fairybook and wake up like Sleeping Beauty. This man is terrifyingly unhinged and abusive. By staying with him you are literally training your daughter to grow up to be abused by her future partners, you are denying her the chance to learn about healthy, decent love and relationships.

You say he us not violent. Destroying items, especially of value to the woman'd children, is seen as a very serious form of do estic violence, actually, as it is used as an item in lieu to control through fear of further destruction just as surely as trying to avoid the next beating does.

You know what your story reminds me of? The Justin Lee Collins case. He used to grill and terrorise his partner(s) for hours, obsessively demanding insane levels of details, trying to trip them up over the tiniest inconsistency, calling them slags, whores and worse, making them feel guilty for the most innoculous parts of their past, and doing this over and over and never being satisfied. Then, when he wasn't being like this, he was all about the grand romantic gestures. The judge declared this behaviour as a very severe level of abuse and I believe declared him a danger to women, emotionally.

Your partner is deeply damaged, too damaged for you to help or change. The only source of relief from this damage for him is to damage you worse.

It is a lie that he is a good father, as no half-decent man would treat the mother of his children this way. To abuse a child's mother is to abuse them; it destabilises their whole sense of the world and ruptures them emotionally. He might not behave this badly to them, but that's only because his problem is a freakish misogynist obsession with the purity of his female chattel. I guarantee you that when your DD reaches puberty, he will go mental about boyfriends, her appearance, etc. I just hope you break out of this romantic bullshit insanity and he isn't in her life by then.

Sunnywithshowers Thu 17-Jan-13 20:31:13

OP this isn't a beautiful love story. You are in an abusive relationship.

badinage Thu 17-Jan-13 19:45:18

Well I'm thoroughly sick of all the threads where women are putting their relationship before their children's safety and wellbeing and other posters say 'there, there' and prolong the OP's victimhood. Staying with a dickhead like this is selfish because he's a fucking disgrace and is putting fear into the lives of children. Arsehole.

AnyFucker Thu 17-Jan-13 19:38:25

No, not similar problems. This Op is positively wallowing and relishing the angst and the ohhh the pain of it. She is 37yo with a child. It's not behaviour that should be condoned with a "there there" and a pat on the head. She has dependents, who are learning some very damaging lessons here.

I haven't even started on the behaviour of her so-called partner here. It is actually irrelevant (in this context) because this OP sounds like she would put up with anything to stay in a relationship with him. I could never support that.

SundaysGirl Thu 17-Jan-13 19:25:42

Wow. I don't get these boards sometimes. You can get a mix of someone with pages and pages of support and heartfelt advice with similar problems and people being incredibly patient, sometimes for weeks on end. And then a poster like this being summarily 'told off' on another. Often on the same day.

Maybe the OP has not yet begun the (often) slow process of really admitting she is being abused. Maybe it's not such a good idea for lots of posters to jump down her throat from the get go.

Just a thought.

OP - He sounds very emotionally abusive and also domestic violence can and does encompass the way this man is behaving also. I hope you are not put off by some of these posts in seeking advice and support, there are so many knowledgeable and compassionate people here from what I've seen who can be a wonderful source of support.

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