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Could this be the end? Trust, paranoia, his. (way too long first post)

(52 Posts)
loveboathitrocks Thu 17-Jan-13 15:48:39

Where to start?

I cant sleep, barely eat, cant think straight, started smoking again, can barely take the evening 'wine as medicine', my stomach is too empty, feel numb, exhausted, nauseous, scared, confused......

DP is my first serious love story and we've lasted four years to date. We'd known each other very distantly through mutual friends for almost 18 years. He'd come out of a 16 year relationship, I am step-mum to his three teenagers and we have DD of our own, 22 months today.

We got together when I was 37 and had both been single for a couple of years. I've had a few meaningless short (1.5 - 2 Year) relationships at various times in life but have otherwise been single, sometimes celibate for many months and other times having what I thought was a reasonable (not slutty) dose of casual sex. I never thought I'd meet someone at that age and be totally and utterly head over heels in love, he has been the happiest years of my life, despite what I'm about to describe.

My DP has been obsessed with my past sex life, in particular that not everyone was white, he is. Most of the time we are a happy couple getting on with life and the four kids we have between us, although three live with their Mum, we have them about a reasonable amount of time. Then this rage flairs up where he calls me every name under the sun, its' too embarrassing and offensive to repeat here. He puts words into my mouth, makes statements about me that are just not true and doesn't believe the things I say repeatedly and have done so over the years. My message to him is consistent and never changes, I love him with every cell of my being, fancy him from top to toe and only him, want to grow old with him and care for each other for the rest of our lives, adore him, respect him etc. I have no desires for ANY other men from the bottom of my heart this is true.

Anyway, long story short, if possible: On Monday I tried to talk to his cold brick wall that he's put up for a few weeks, signs I know too well, and he's come out with the same as above, it makes him sick, he'll never get over it, he cannot stand the snickering that other guys do behind his back, he loves me and knows that I love him, but he cannot be happy and cannot get over this. Friends of the friend that bought us together and really know me in a very removed way work with him, if they know anything about me or even my past sex life, it is gossip and thrice removed.

A day later he's hugging me and using our nicknames again (always a sign of peace) and being sweet, then came home pissed and hours late for dinner last night and started, that I'm a fucking liar, all I do is bullshit, bringing up questions he allegedly asked me years ago and proving how I don't tell the truth. To be honest, I think it is a woman's right and in our interests not to have to pen out each and every sexual encounter we've had when single to our lifelong partner, I don't think either party need that, it's not sexy, loving or dignifying. So I haven't gone into detail about my past but he does know the gist of it, which I think is fair. When he started to rage at me last night I said as much, he threw furniture, broke some of DD's toys, shouted at me to get out the sooner the better. I 'slept' in our bedroom with the baby-gate locked between me and the spare room.

I know he is a bully, and twists my head and words but he's not a danger to me or baby, for those of you who might suggest it, he's never raised a hand to me, nor his ex, or kids and although he gets flipping mad, its' more an expression of his anger. I know what it feels like to be so angry to throw things across the room. It's really not an OW issue either here ladies.

He left for work angry but quiet today. Baby is sleeping now, its' afternoon and the step kids are with us soon, so there will be a rest from it tonight. There is a significant possibility that with a few more tearful, angry, hideous evenings he completely calms down and will be loving again, but I've been through this more times than I can count now and each time I become more resigned and it feels more real, the prospect of it really happening, us separating.

I don't have any problem with him apart from these 'episodes'. Life with a little one can get a bit humdrum as you all know and we niggle each other, and have our good days and tetchy days, but I am happy and couldn't imagine my life without him. His 'brewing and blow ups' have become less severe and occur less often as time as gone on, this hasn't happened for over a year and it used to happen more nastily and often, so there is some improvement and I know he's made a conscious effort to try and manage his feelings and not externalise them. Once the dark cloud passes, it takes me weeks or months, depending how bad it was, to feel settled again and not worry about his every nuance, or who I will get home that day. That said I actually get better at it too, and try not to internalise all his shit about me.

But I'm in the eye of the storm right now and all I can see ahead of me is single parenthood, living all alone with just DD, who will save me from being suicidally depressed. I quit a freelance career (14 hour days) to take care of her and cannot go back to that lifestyle as a mum, so would have to find a new career/job at 41! We are not married but I am sure if it we do split I will be looked after, he is not a bastard at heart, takes good care of his ex and kids, is a fantastic Dad, fair, reliable, consistent and decent and quite able to provide for more than one family. I know I am very lucky on this issue.

It is the emotional turmoil that brings me here. He's a man that trusts nobody, always believes things will go bad in the end, looks for the weakness in anything good and then obsesses about it. He is without a doubt very angry about my past and feels that I should have told him everything up front and blames me for the whole thing. Whether justified or not, he is hurt and angry, this plays right into his trust issues and I think the only way he can show me how much it hurts him is by making me believe he doesn't want to be with me, he knows that's as painful as it gets for me. I go through moments of numbness and of absolute wretched pain and heartbreak. Historically, when he sees me at a certain point of madness and emotional fucking sadness and the separation becomes emotionally real to us both, he sees how much he loves me and melts, like it all ebbed away down a dirty gutter somewhere.

It's is ruining our beautiful family and love story and breaking my heart. Are there any wise old souls out there who can offer some advice?

NettleTea Wed 30-Jan-13 20:44:35

Loveboat i think, and I mean this kindly, that you need to go back into therapy, and possibly look out the 'Freedom Programme' - you can do it online, so that you can get to the bottom of why you felt it was acceptable to stay with a man who treated you like this for 4 years (though Im guessing he didnt start off like this) and to help you build the boundaries for your next relationship.
Your past is nothing to be ashamed of. As others have said, you lived your life, and there re very few of us here who havent done much the same a some point.
You cannot help put your STBX partner back together again, thats his journey to make, and only will happen if the losses he has are big enough for him to acknowledge that his behaviour needs addressing. Most dont. Some may give lip service to it, but fundamentally its because most believe they are entitled to behave the way they do.
I can understand you thoughts about being 'looked after' as you probably feel that you have given up a good job to look after the baby, but sadly without you being married (and even if you had been 4 years isnt enough) support would only be for the child - spousal support is the thing of american movies and courts, doesnt happen here except in extraordinary cases. Maybe you can look into going back PT.
But i am glad you are getting out and wish you the best.

CastroIsDead Wed 30-Jan-13 21:12:45

you need to take steps to remove yourself for your dds sake. my dm married a man just like yours an i can tell you that living in fear and watching your dm being abused is damaging. i can tell you that even after you have kissed and made up and he seems ok the shadow of it and the fear remain with the dcs and they won't forget. i watched my dm go from a bubbly vibrant person reduced to someone who had to walk with her head down from fear of his jealousy. if she smiled at the postman then she must be sleeping with him. ridiculous and insulting . thank god she got out but not before damage was done to myself and my siblings not 1of us have had a happy healthy fulfilling relationship

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